Delivery to the Farmhouse (Havenwood Cowboys Romance #4)

Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty-Four

T he address Colton gave me was farther out in the countryside than I’d ever been. His farmland was past Pomerelle ski resort, nearly to Rock Creek. And it was beautiful. The hills rolled in the distance.

A fire had blazed through these hills a few years ago, singeing everything in sight. Some of that damage was visible even now, with fallen trees’ blackened trunks and a lot of younger trees and new growth.

To my left, a tractor was visible in the middle of the field. I pulled off the road just behind Colton’s pickup and called him, waiting for the dial tone.

“I see you,” he said with a note of excitement.

“I think I see you, too. You’re in the tractor?”

“Yes, ma’am. I got a seat right here just waiting for you. You can either hang tight until I make it back to that end of the field or you can trek your way to me. Whichever you’d like.”

“I’m coming,” I said, since I didn’t much like the idea of standing around and waiting. That tractor was moving slowly.

I watched my feet, stepping carefully between rows and rows of sugar beet greens. It was kind of a sidestep thing since I was crossing the field perpendicular to the direction the rows headed.

The tractor’s engine gave a distinct rumble as Colton pulled the machine to a stop just ahead of me. I approached the massive tire, which was taller than me, and peered up.

The ladder leading up to the tractor’s cab was much higher than I anticipated. He leaned over, wrenching the door open from the inside, and gave me the biggest grin. My heart sank a little more.

I wanted to return it. I wanted everything he thought this was.

Why couldn’t I just let go and accept the way things were?

“Just step right there,” he said, calling over the tractor’s rumbling engine and pointing to the jagged ladder steps.

I climbed up to find him sitting on a larger seat in the center with one hand on a wide, thin steering wheel. A heap of contraptions lay to his right, including a console that was covered with buttons, controls, and even a little joystick.

Taking me by surprise, Colton reached behind and pulled the huge glass door shut.

“Hey, there,” he said, sweeping me over to his lap instead of the buddy seat to his left.

I squealed and laughed as he wrapped his arms around me and planted a kiss on my neck.

“Mm,” he said. “You smell amazing.”

He claimed my mouth, and every move of his lips against mine killed me a little more.

“Mm,” he said again. “Taste pretty good, too.”

Tears stung my eyes. I didn’t want to do this. But I had to do this.

“Guess what?” he said, eyes lighting up. His hands stroked my sides, pulling me to him for another kiss before he answered his own question. “Bex had her baby.”

This was news. “She did? When?”

“Yesterday,” he said. “She’s in the hospital now. They’re checking the baby or doing whatever it is they do when babies are first born.”

“What did she have?”

“A boy,” he said, flashing that grin again. “Bouncing baby boy.”

I remembered the pink balloons that had taken over during her baby shower. I’d even given her a gift for a little girl. What was she going to do with all of that girly stuff?

“Have they picked a name yet?”

“Not that I’m aware of. She’s bringing the baby to meet everyone at the farmhouse tomorrow, and I wondered if you wanted to be my date.”

My fingers traced the skin on his neck but stopped. “I’d love to. But Colton, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“Go on then,” he said. “I just need to kick this thing back into gear or we’ll be here all night. Not that I’d mind, but you might.”

I chuckled and after another befuddling kiss, I moved to the buddy seat beside him. It was a fraction of the one he sat in, but I squeezed onto it without problems. It did make things extremely cozy in here; my leg had nowhere else to go but against his.

He tapped a few buttons on his console. The tractor kicked back into gear once more, moving slowly down the row. Stupidly enough, the words, “Merrily we roll along,” played in my mind.

“There,” he said. “You have my full attention.”

“Don’t you need to…” I gestured out the massive front window where the tractor’s long snout and huge wheels were visible, crawling along the row of greens in front of us.

“The GPS does it all for me. I just need to turn the wheel when we get to the end of the row.”

“Really?”

“Makes my job easy,” he said. “Before, I used to have to check my lines so carefully, but this new technology keeps my wheels right where they need to go. ”

“That’s amazing,” I said, staring at the tractor’s wheels with new appreciation.

Some of my favorite romance novels took place during pioneering days in the U.S. Many of the characters in those stories had to clear land and plow fields using horses and metal contraptions. Working, pushing, sweating into the hottest hours of the day.

It made for a lot of robustly attractive men returning home after a long day’s work. And some pretty sweet romantic scenes, which was the whole reason I read books like that.

Here we sat in air conditioning and full-on tractor luxury. It put those early days of farming to shame. Though I could think of a few other instances that would fit our modern world today and make this scenario extremely romantic, I wasn’t in the mood to carry any of them out.

Not with so much else on my mind.

Cue frowny face.

“So tell me,” he said as the machine beside him made a few beeping noises. “What’s up?”

I didn’t want to. I had to.

“You remember before we left for our road trip?”

“Which part? The part where you said you wouldn’t date me? The part where you nearly scared a rabbit out of its mind? Or the part where you finally said yes? That’s my favorite.”

“Colton,” I said. Hating this.

“Actually, I think the ice fight was my favorite. Or the morning after.” He raised his brows and smoldered at me again. “In fact, we’re all alone out here. No telling the kind of trouble you and I might get into if we’re not careful.”

He slipped his hand to my jaw and leaned in. I closed my eyes as a tear escaped.

Colton paused. With a look of concern, he retreated before his lips made it to their destination on mine.

“What’s up?” he asked. “Are you crying? You okay? ”

Did I really have to end things? What if there was a way to just be honest with him without going there?

Even as my mind presented the option, more arguments sprang up in response. Asking him to wait while I figured my life out wasn’t fair to him.

“Remember when I told you I wanted to be fair to you?”

He pulled back. The concern in his gaze shifted to something like wariness. He flicked a glance toward the tractor’s huge windshield, checking on things, and then back to me.

“Uh-oh. I get the feeling I’m not going to like where this is going.”

The tractor crawled toward the row’s end, and the machine to his right made little beeping noises. Moving slowly, gradually, Colton directed the steering wheel, turning it just enough to get the tractor angled around to go the opposite direction down the field.

“I just…I’m still restless. I still feel like something is calling for me to find it.”

“Okay, then go find it,” he said.

I blinked at him. How could he act like it was so simple?

“Just…just like that?”

“Mind if I offer a suggestion, though?”

He was so sweet, so thoughtful of me. “What’s that?”

“What if what you’re looking for is right here?” He took his gaze away from the contraption to his right and met my eyes. His were introspective, soulful, and as though they were pointed and corrugated like a drill, they bored right into me.

“Wouldn’t I know it by now?” I asked, and there it was. That flash of pain I’d been worried about inflicting.

It glinted in his eyes. It stomped on his smile, tearing it down and making him lower his chin to his chest.

“I get it,” he said. “You’re trying to let me down easy. Man, I’m an idiot.”

“What? Why? ”

“Here I was, gushing over seeing you, kissing you, wanting to keep you in my lap for the rest of the night, and you’re trying to tell me goodbye.”

The pain in his voice nearly killed me. I remembered how I’d felt after our parting kiss last night.

Maybe I’d read things wrong…

“It doesn’t have to be,” I said. “I just…it’s not fair to expect you to wait for me to figure things out.”

How could I help him understand that I was doing this for him ?

“What else do you need to figure out?” he asked, sounding exasperated this time.

“I—I loved our trip, Colton. You have no idea how much. And I can’t tell you how much I loved that you were willing to drop everything to go with me. You…you’ve become…”

I didn’t know how to say what I wanted to. How could I enunciate just what he meant to me without using the word “love”?

Did I love him?

I’d thought I loved Jensen and that had only made things harder when they’d ended. Some of the same feelings I’d had for him crept through me even in my sleep. The hollow pit in my chest that somehow burned at the same time. The way my thoughts constantly drifted in his direction. The flurry he gave to my heart with every beat.

As I considered things, my thoughts led in a new direction. I didn’t want things to end with Colton. I just…I needed a pause button.

Would he be willing to do that?

I tried again. “You…”

He cut me off. “I get it.”

“No, wait.”

The little machine next to him beeped, and we neared the end of another row. Carefully, slowly, he turned the wheel, guiding the tractor back in the direction of the road. My car and his pickup were visible in the distance.

Once he got things straightened back out again in the field, his hand went to mine. The touch of his callused fingers sent a zing up my arm and snared my attention as though he were a rancher roping a stray calf.

I met his blue eyes, my heart pounding. Mostly because of the kindness I saw in his.

“It’s okay, Nat. You told me from the start you weren’t ready for anything. I should have listened. I just thought maybe I could change your mind. I was hoping I could.”

Those words swept away the bramble clearing my path. The whole reason I’d wanted to call things off was for his sake, but if he was fighting for me, did that mean he’d hold on a little longer?

With sudden lightness in my chest, I turned to face him more fully.

Or…I tried to, anyway. My legs jammed against his. He didn’t seem to mind.

“You did change my mind,” I said. “I’m not breaking up with you, Colton.”

The words bloomed inside of me. Manifesting that this was the right course.

I’d felt so conflicted, so lost up until now. Why was it that sometimes we didn’t know the way to go until we were on the path?

He pushed something and the tractor stopped moving. He looked right at me. “You’re not?”

“No,” I said.

Then as if to prove my point—and because I wanted to bask in the relief this new direction brought—I leaned in and kissed him. His mouth felt more uncertain than it ever had before, but at least he kissed me back.

“Then what are you saying? ”

“I just need to get away,” I said, resting my hands on his thigh. “That trip I told you I wanted to take? It’s calling me to take it.”

He rubbed his jaw. “And you’re saying you don’t want me to come.”

“Not this time.”

His lips pressed together. “I see. And just where are you going?”

“I was going to let the road lead me.”

“For how long? There’s a lot of road out there.”

“I don’t know,” I said, my muscles tightening. “I know it doesn’t make sense. I know…”

It wasn’t fair. I knew it wasn’t. But he didn’t seem to want to let me go, and I didn’t want that, either. If he was willing to hold on, why couldn’t I do the same?

From the view out of the large window behind us, the tractor had left chopped bits of greenery in its wake. The contraption at his side made several more beeping noises.

“Then go,” he said. “I’ll be here when you get back.” He gave me that smile, but it wasn’t the token playful one I loved. It was sad, leaving a heaviness in my body that I couldn’t shake.

But I had to do this. It wasn’t just the major changes that had happened in my life lately, with the post office being transferred to a new postmaster and moving out of the only home I’d ever known, though that did play a part. It wasn’t even the fact that Jensen was back in town, reviving past hurts that I thought I’d gotten over.

It was the unfulfilled dream I’d always had. And I needed to answer its call. To prove to myself that I could. It was like there was something I needed to discover, and I couldn’t do it relying on anyone else.

The rest of our conversation that evening fell short. It wilted like flowers after days of direct sunlight with no water. Once Colton made it to the last row in the field, he had me follow him as he took the tractor to a neighboring field where he parked the machine in order to begin thinning the following day.

I then gave him a ride back to the previous field we’d been at, to where his truck was parked.

The cab of my car filled with the smell of him. He reached for the handle and then glanced my way. My fingers drummed on the steering wheel. I didn’t want him to leave. I wasn’t sure where things would go for us after this.

“You up for meeting that baby with me tomorrow?” he asked.

I was momentarily disoriented. “Really?”

“Is there somewhere else you need to be?”

“No. I want to be with you. I just…I’m surprised you still want me.”

Releasing his hold on the door handle, he leaned toward me instead. Eyeing me, his expression grew too solemn.

“Would you do me a favor?”

“Anything.”

“Would you step outside with me? I want to keep talking, but not with anything between us.”

He didn’t wait to see if I’d agree, but opened the door and stepped outside. Wetting my lips, I did the same. The evening had cooled significantly, sending goosebumps down my arms and making me wish I had a jacket.

Colton stalked around the car. He wrapped his hands around my waist, holding me to him while he leaned back enough to look at me. He smelled amazing, even though it wasn’t his usual body wash and cologne I’d picked up on during our trip.

This was the smell of a man who’d been working all day in the sun, the heat of summertime in his skin had a scent, and there was something that was purely Colton about him.

I breathed it all in.

Chuckling, I hugged him back, and he burrowed his head into my hair .

Warmth pooled through my entire body. My breath hitched. My head tilted to one side, and I rested my hands on his biceps.

“Tell me something,” he said. “You don’t want to break up with me.”

Not a question. A verifying statement.

“No,” I said, moving my hands on his chest. His heartbeat thrummed against my palm. “I don’t.”

“You just need some time to wander. Is that right?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, then.”

He was fine with this?

I expected him to argue. I expected him to question me further or point out just how harebrained this whole idea was. Instead, he was just…accepting it?

“I don’t understand,” I told him.

“What don’t you understand?”

“Why you’re so…why are you okay with that? It feels wrong for me to expect you to hang around and wait.”

“When you find something worth holding onto, you don’t let go,” he said simply.

He was too good. He was too much.

I rested my forehead against his chest, my posture slumping against him. His arms locked in, keeping me there. My stomach hardened and clenched. I was lightheaded. I couldn’t grasp why he was doing this.

“You once felt bad because you thought you hurt me,” I told him, lifting my head. “It led to the best kiss of my life.”

He smirked at this. “The best?”

“I’m just calling it like I see it.” I pressed my cheek against his chest and wrapped my arms around him, and I went on.

“I don’t want to hurt you by doing this. By making you wait. By pulling back.”

To my disappointment, he did pull back. Colton released me from his embrace and leaned against the hood of my car, scraping his hand over his chin.

“Am I bugged that you don’t want me to come? A little. And I have to say, I hope this isn’t going to be a normal thing for us. You leaving on your own all the time.

“But I believe we have something amazing. Remember Samantha, that girl I told you about?”

I nodded.

“It was not a super functional relationship. I didn’t tell you everything. Even though we had a long-distance relationship, she started asking me for things. Money, mostly.”

“Oh, Colton.” Knowing him and his generous heart, he probably gave her what she’d asked for.

Not that there was anything wrong with helping someone out, but I could imagine how that would strain a relationship if it happened all the time. If he thought it was the only reason she wanted to be with him.

“She clung to me, depended on me so much that it was almost like I was a caretaker or something other than her boyfriend. Every time we talked, she only seemed like she wanted more, more, more, to the point where she didn’t seem like she cared about me at all.

“I didn’t like it. I didn’t like that it felt like that was the only reason she wanted to be with me. But you make me feel strong. You get me, you let me be myself, and if this is all you’re asking for in return? I can give you that.

“I’m a man of faith, Nat. And my faith isn’t just in God. I believe in you, too. I believe in you and me. We’re amazing together, and I’m thinking you’ll figure that out soon enough. You need this. And I need you.”

He rose to his full height and crossed the few feet between us. He slipped his hand to the side of my throat, drawing my face up to meet his.

“So if this is what you feel like you have to do, I want you to know I’m here for you. So go. Clear your head. Do what you need to do. Just as long as you come back to me and let me come along next time.”

The phrase about jaws dropping was totally cliché, but mine did at that moment. My jaw fully gaped. I didn’t deserve how good he was. I didn’t deserve him.

I placed my hand on his waist. “How are you this kind? This selfless?”

“It’s not completely selfless,” he said. “Because I want you to have what you want. You are a totally selfish desire of mine.”

“And you are a total marshmallow.”

“Only when it comes to you. But I got a request of my own.”

“What’s that?”

The sides of his jaw ticked. He stroked his thumb across my cheek.

“Don’t go breaking my heart. I’m settled here, Nat. My life is in Bridgewater. If you don’t want yours to be, I need to know. I need you to be straight with me.”

He cradled my face in his hands and held me aloft just enough to look into my eyes. His were tender with a fierceness I’d seen the night he’d defended my honor and punched the lights out of the guy who’d cornered me in the booth.

“I’d do anything for you,” he said with solemnity usually reserved for prayer.

The sound coiled itself all the way into my chest. It struck me with uncertainty. It was like he and I stood on opposite sides of a scale, a teeter-totter, and he was on base, pulling all the weight while leaving me stranded in the air.

“I don’t plan on breaking your heart,” I told him. “I want to be as careful with it as you’ve been with mine.”

“That’s all I need to hear.” He pressed a kiss to my cheek, and it tingled down to my collarbone.

I wanted to tell him that I’d do anything for him, too. That he was all I wanted. I felt it. So why couldn’t I say it? Why couldn’t I be as selfless as he was?

What did it mean that I couldn’t give him everything he was giving me?