Don’t Be in Love

43

Don’t Be In Love — Adelaide

A week until the start of the spring semester, when I’d be surrounded by even more wandering eyes and questions than I already was, and these women were absolutely no help .

Cheese and wine , they said. It’ll be fun , they said. I wanted to remain curled up in my personal hobbit hole, but I couldn’t miss book club if I wanted to. Not when I had invited Maureen.

In yoga pants and a sweater, I buried myself into the cushion of the loveseat beside Mia, hiding from the circle of women.

“One second, everyone in the ballroom is dancing. Then the next, phones start pinging and all the photographers flee the museum for the gardens. I had no idea they were looking for Addy and Dorian until I saw the article on Brina’s phone,” Mia recited.

Dotty and Iris already heard this story, but they gasped with everyone else anyway.

“Did you escape?” Cora questioned.

“This wasn’t some spy mission guys.” I shook my head.

“No one got any—additional—photos of them thankfully,” Mia answered.

“How did Sabrina take it?”

I brought my legs to my chest and rested my chin on my knee. “She was upset. Really upset,” I exhaled. “Rightfully so. I’ve been a terrible friend. I expected her to say that she hated me, but she only asked for space, so I’ve been giving her that. We talked this morning though, and it went really well.”

This morning, Sabrina had shuffled into my room with her pink fluffy slippers wanting to talk. She crawled into my bed and shooed my laptop out of my hands.

I twisted my gold rings off and on my fingers. She picked her nails. Thick silence radiated between us.

Her glossy lips parted. “I can’t believe you had to tutor him,” she thought aloud.

I twisted, finding a small smile curling upward. It made me burst with a giggle. Her smile heightened until a laugh sparked from her.

“And for free,” I added, laughing again.

“You didn’t charge him?”

“Talking to him was painful enough in the beginning!”

We collectively exhaled.

“You really didn’t know it was him that night?” She turned to me.

“I had no idea, I promise .”

She nodded. “So … is he a good kisser?”

“Brina!” I shrieked, covering my face.

“Fine, fine, too soon!” Her cheeks slowly deflated from their blush pink joy. My hand tingled with warmth as she pressed her palm over mine. “I’m sorry about the article … I should’ve said something sooner. I can’t imagine what it was like to read about your … past, and not have your friends by your side.”

My throat swelled. “It’s alright. I deserved it.”

“You didn’t deserve any of it. And you should’ve told me about Dorian the second you realized it rather than keeping it from me like I’m some terrible friend who would resent you for who you love.”

“No, no, I don’t love him. I want nothing to do with him. For all I know, he leaked those photos.”

“You really think so?”

“He was the only other person who knew where we were—”

“No not that. You really think you don’t love him?”

“I—” I lost my breath. “I don’t.”

“Of course you love him. Oh my gosh, don’t tell me you’re doing this because of me?” She threw her hand to her chest. “I would never take that away from you. You love him and he loves you. What’s more magical than that?” Her eyes darted across my face with optimism. “You must talk to him.”

“I’ll think about it.”

She rolled her eyes as if she had expected that. “Alright, now,” she exhaled, “the crescent purse?”

“From him.” I winced.

“The time you said I couldn’t come to the bookshop?”

“Him.” I winced again.

“The Christmas tree you brought back that had a squirrel in it?”

“That was not my fault! How was I supposed to know the tree was hosting animals?”

She laughed so hard that she swung her head back and hit the bed frame, causing me to snort. I attempted to soothe the back of her head, but I was laughing too hard.

And in that happy moment, I let herself think about what it would be like to be with Dorian.

But sitting in the bookstore hours later, surrounded by women who have loved and lost, I was terrified.

“That’s amazing! What did Dorian say?” Evelyn asked.

“What do you mean?”

“What did you say when you told him Sabrina was alright with everything?” she explained.

“Nothing because I didn’t tell him. I haven’t spoken to him since the ball six days ago,” I said.

“So … you two aren’t talking … at all?” Jane asked.

I shook my head.

“Do you plan on it?” Lottie questioned.

I shook my head again.

“Do you want to?” she followed up.

“No.”

“That was an awfully quick answer,” Beatrice muttered.

“There’s no point since I think I’m moving back to Boston after graduation.”

“You’re what?” Mia almost shot out of her seat.

“There’s nothing keeping me here. You’re most likely moving back home, Sabrina is going to Scotland, and I’ll never hear back from these jobs now. Not like I had a chance anyway, no one wants a new grad. I’ve either been ghosted by these companies or sent vague rejections.”

“But you can’t leave. There’s so much for you here. Dorian’s here,” Mia rushed.

“I can’t stay in London for a guy.”

“You wouldn’t be staying in London for him . I think he’d go anywhere for you if you left. But you came to London for you ,” Iris explained.

“I don’t think I can.”

No corner of London would be safe. I’d spend every second outside anxious to run into him on the train or the pub down the street.

No train ride or walk home or rainstorm would be ordinary. They’d all be glued to his singular presence. His figure leaning over me or his hand in mine or his wet hair dripping down onto my cheek and his head tilted back as he watched me from my balcony.

I prefer you in every room .

I think there are many things about you that people find attractive, Adelaide .

Tell me to stay .

Then tell me you care for me. Because I care for you.

I’d be trapped in what ifs .

My throat was constricting more, and the skin under my eyes was taut with tears.

“But why?” Iris asked.

“Because I think I love him.” My throat burned as I got out the words, clogged emotions escaping in one thin river down my nose.

The room hushed as I wiped the tear.

Evelyn spoke up. “Oh hun, that’s something worth smiling about, not to cry over.”

“I can’t love him.” I shook my head.

“You’re mourning something you haven’t even lost,” Iris stated.

“I have lost, because I can’t have him. He’s not mine to have.”

“I think he would heavily disagree,” she replied.

“I feel like I’ve been climbing this tree for my entire life, toeing the edge of happiness. But branches keep breaking underneath my feet and now I’m scared to sit on a stump, let alone approach an entire spruce,” I rambled, more tears falling.

The women looked at me with turned down brows, slumped forward in their seats. Wine glasses were pushed onto the coffee table like a messy game of chess.

“But what would life be without the satisfaction of succeeding after a fall?” Maureen asked.