Elevator Pitch (Hapless In Love #1)

14. The Haunt

14

the haunt

Selah

Brooklyn, NY | October 24, 2023

My ex is the topic of discussion since my nightmares have become more prevalent, so I’m irritated during this session. I hate talking about him. I hate thinking about him. He quite literally haunts me, and while I understand life isn’t fair, I shouldn’t be the one suffering. I got my freedom, but I don’t feel free. Still. I may be to blame for that. Forgiving and forgetting isn’t easy, nor is that something I wish to do. He’s not worthy of either.

You know how we’re taught as little girls that when a boy is mean to you, he likes you? Well, that’s dangerous for many reasons because we aren’t teaching them to be kind, and us girls learn to accept whatever crumbs they give us. We’re easily impressed by the bare minimum, and them being mean isn’t a dealbreaker if you’re conditioned like many of us are. However, it leads us to find a man like I did. I didn’t even like Jourdan on our first date, but I gave him a chance as if I owed him something.

I didn’t.

If only the strike system existed for me back then.

I attended a well-executed pity party with a fog machine and house of mirrors. During my time there, he learned all my ins and outs for his benefit. Emotional manipulation was his favorite game to play and I lost every time. You’d think he’d be satisfied with his wins, but he never was.

His bruising victory laps made me a sore loser. Still, I’d forfeit and cry for mercy. He loved me, at least that’s what he’d say during timeout, but he refused. Even claimed there was no way out, not even a fire exit.

It doesn't escape me that after just one date with Greyson, I already feel more safe and secure with him than I had during the entirety of my relationship with Jourdan.

Greyson is interested in me for me and not for what he can gain from our relationship. He shares things, personal things, about himself that I'm certain no one knows. He makes me feel good . Like when he's speaking to me, I'm truly the only one holding his attention. When I was with Jourdan, I had to not only learn the game we were playing, but defeat him .

I called his bluff, learned his tells, and studied him for my benefit. I eventually escaped Jourdan’s house of mirrors and never looked back. He handled the breakup as expected, victimizing himself and making me the bad guy. I ignored him, though he was creative, using threats he didn’t act on. I haven’t heard from him in over a year, or any of his aliases either. Although, I swear I saw his face on a missing person poster once, I figured my mind was playing tricks on me, so I just let it go.

Today, Dr. Garnett and I discussed my nightmares and my date with Greyson. I preferred to start with the bad and then work on the good things. I pull up recent entries from my dream log. The nightmares have been more violent lately. Jourdan has been present in them a bit more often, but usually, it’s a faceless individual trying to harm me in some capacity. Mostly chasing me down with weapons or breaking into my home. Then there’s the original one, which is back home flashbacks with my ex.

I go through my dream log with her and we try to decipher any common patterns or situations that occur. I’m not taking any sleep medications because I can sleep, but she’s going to have me do more sleep studies to see what’s needed here. I’m not getting as much sleep as I’d like, but I use that time to be productive in other areas. It helps me get a head start on a lot of projects but the issue with that is, I’m exhausted all the time.

The vivid nightmares started after I left Jourdan two years ago. They started out as flashback reels, and it was a very trying time for me. I was reliving attacks and arguments. Me waking up to him standing over me was a frequent one. I can’t figure out a way through them or to curb them.

Doc suggested we try imagery rehearsal therapy, where I explain my nightmares in extreme detail and we rewrite the story with a different ending—reframing regular nightmares into something that’s no longer scary. I’m open to trying it. We’ll start it next week, and I’ll keep updating my dream logs.

Moving on to more positive things, I finally had a pleasant date with a man I didn’t meet online. My date with Greyson was amazing, and we had the best time, not to mention that kiss. We’ve been texting since we’ve exchanged numbers, and he’s been busy these past few weekends, traveling for work.

I’ve been going on dates in the meantime, but they do not compare, I’ll say that. First, there was the married guy who said he had a roommate that was really his wife. He revealed that after several shots. Then there was another guy, and our date didn’t happen because he got arrested for DUI on the way. My most recent match insisted on a day date, brought his kid along, and didn’t give me a heads-up either. I am proud to say that I’ve been using the strike system and have left when it felt right. Sometimes, before they hit a third strike. They’ve been awful dates, but at least Greyson was a palette cleanser.

My homework for the next week is to keep logging my nightmares so that we can try out IRT therapy, keep setting boundaries, and try a new nighttime routine to compare the sleep and dreams you have with a routine and without.