Elevator Pitch (Hapless In Love #1)

15. When Life Gives You Pot, Make Brownies

15

when life gives you pot, make brownies

Selah

SoHo, NY | November 11, 2023

Chess, Daya, and I are currently getting a front-row seat to a baking lesson from Audrey. Baking is one of her favorite things besides planning, and anytime she can indulge, she’s more than happy to do it. Tonight, she’s assisting me with completing two tasks from my ‘ Fuck It List :’ Learn to Bake and Make Pot Brownies. I’ll forget everything she is teaching us right now, but I’m following along and helping with everything I can. I always have the best time in her massive kitchen, and I’m certain I’d never stop cooking if I had a kitchen like this.

She puts me on duty to melt the canna butter because I have the most patience, and after my egg incident a few months ago, she thought it was best that I don’t handle the wet ingredients. I think that’s fair. Once we’ve got everything mixed in the pan, she starts pouring a separate batch that is ‘pot-free’ in a pink pan for us to enjoy after the high sets in. That’s a good idea. How will we know the difference? This batch is salted caramel; the other is chocolate chip in a blue pan .

While they’re baking in her convection ovens, we’re keeping busy by cleaning up and talking about what we want to order in for dinner tonight. Audrey has the idea to queue our food deliveries to arrive within the next two hours. We couldn’t decide on one thing, so orders from a few of our favorite restaurants will be here shortly.

Once the brownies are done, we let them cool and prepare for the fun tonight. Chess and Daya are making mocktails, cutting up fruits, and mixing up drinks while I am deciding on a good movie lineup. I think I’ve included at least one of everyone's favorites, and before I start to overthink it, I set down the remote to go help Audrey. She’s currently making a pillow fort with little success because her playful chocolate lab, Ghost, is very interested in dismantling every part of it. He’s quickly distracted by a squeak and when we look up, it’s Chess holding one of his toys. He dashes to her and grabs it, running off to go play elsewhere, leaving us to finish the fort.

Now, we have cooled brownies cut into perfect squares. Audrey is more experienced with edibles, considering she does these with her younger brothers from time to time. She bites into hers without a care, but the rest of us look at each other nervously before taking a bite.

She draws a marijuana leaf on the lid of the pot brownie container and writes ‘safe’ on the lid with the caramel ones—keeping them accessible for us.

“Take your time, ladies. Remember, start with a small bite. Wait a while before taking another one,” Audrey advises over her shoulder as she goes to hide the leftover brownie stash safely away from her pup.

I take a small bite and close my eyes, savoring it. This is the best brownie I’ve ever had and it doesn’t taste any different than a regular one. I’m highly anticipating my next bite.

“Fuck,” Daya blurts, and a gasp from Chess follows.

I open my eyes, whipping my head between the two of them and Daya’s eyes widen. I look down at her hand and see the teeth marks in her brownie. She quickly wipes the crumbs from her mouth. Chess places her face in her hands.

“She took a big ass bite, didn’t she?” Audrey asks without turning around.

“Y-Yes,” Daya squeaks.

“What do we do?” I ask nervously.

Audrey sighs. “Just let me think for a second.”

The house is so silent you could hear a pin drop until faint squeaking from a dog toy cuts through it and we start laughing.

After we settle down, she comes back to the island and sits with us, her palm resting on her forehead, still thinking of a plan.

“Well, I’m not letting her go down by herself,” Chess states as she takes an even bigger bite.

Audrey snorts and stares at me deadpan.

“I already know you’re next up, so go ahead.” She waves her hand.

I do want another bite, but I’m a bit nervous about getting too high. Then again, we’ll be together. I remind myself that this is for my list and its purpose is to encourage me to live a life for all the years I spent wishing I could.

“Fuck it,” I say, taking a bigger bite than last time.

She chuckles and takes another bite.

She mentions when she walks away, “If one of us is fucked over, we all are. Food will be here by the time these hit. I’m texting Rome. We should be supervised and he’ll be home soon.”

A while later, we’re all cozy in the pillow fort with Ghost, watching a movie. The blankets are warm and I still feel normal. I look over at the girls and they look the same. I’m not sure what to expect from an edible high, but from what I’ve heard, I’m nervous.

“Do y’all feel anything?” I ask.

“Nope,” Chess and Daya say in unison.

“You will,” Audrey warns with a chuckle. “We are not eating more. ”

“Okay,” I resign.

This movie is getting wild and I just can’t look away. Chess is snuggled up to me while we lay on the fort, enraptured in the movie. I’ve seen it before, but maybe this is a director’s cut because they’ve got my undivided attention. I’m startled by a strange jingling sound and start holding my breath while I listen harder for it. I try not to alarm Chess as I carefully listen for the sound again. I hear it once more, with footsteps approaching.

Someone is in the house with us.

What do we do?

I look around for something to protect us with, but we’re in the dark with only the projector to light up the room. I lock eyes with the remote and clutch it. I’ve never heard of anyone being bludgeoned with a remote, but I’ll do my best to protect my friends. My heartbeat quickens as the footsteps come closer to the couch. I hear a man’s voice grumbling and the jingle again. The light flicks on and I hear Rome’s voice, so I drop the remote with a thud. I can’t make out what he’s saying, but the sound brings him straight to me.

I’m surprised to see him upside down. I wonder how he got that way.

He’s carrying a pizza box and a bunch of bags. I’m curious as to how they’re not floating with him.

Weird.

He continues walking upside down as he enters the room and I watch in awe.

He stops for a moment and asks, “Why are you watching a movie in Portuguese? ”

I stare in confusion. “It’s in French, Rome,” I say matter-of-factly.

“No, it’s not. You and Chess don’t even speak French, Audrey does.” He pauses and looks around the room. “And I don’t see her anywhere. So, you going to tell me what’s going on?”

I look at Chess and whisper, “Do you know how to speak French?”

“Yeah. I just learned today,” she says loudly.

He lets out a deep sigh and walks off to the kitchen, setting down everything before he returns to the living room.

“Why are you on the floor? We have couches.”

“Why are you upside down?”

“What? I am not—you’re all high right now, aren’t you?”

I wrinkle my brow and think about his question.

Wait. What did he ask? Oh well.

He continues, “That’s why you asked for all this damn food. You’re high. Well, did you know you also ordered a bunch of food? It was waiting outside the door for you!”

Chess and I burst into laughter and she sits up slowly. I wonder if she has tingly fingers too. I think that means I should be doing jazz hands right now.

“I’m hungry,” Chess says as she stretches and enters the kitchen. I observe as she opens the container for another brownie. Rome makes his way over in quick strides and snatches it from her hand. He pulls it back and holds it above his head so she can’t reach. Chess stands on her tiptoes and wiggles her fingers, trying to steal the brownies from his grip and is unsuccessful.

Rome is still upside down.

I wonder if he's always been capable of this.

“Hell no. You don't need any more of this shit. I know exactly who made these. Where’s your ringleader?”

I look around and didn’t even notice Audrey wasn’t sitting with us anymore .

We hear a loud crashing noise coming from downstairs that causes me to jump, and we’re all looking around in confusion. Rome lets out a huff before he helps me off the floor and asks us to come with him.

I’m very surprised to find him no longer defying gravity.

“Ghost! Come here boy!” he coos.

He makes kissing sounds to lure him out, but he doesn't come.

We navigate the house, following where the crash came from when more noises sound from the basement. Rome quickens his pace and I look around to find that Chess has disappeared. I whisper-yell for her and she soon appears beside me, sliding across the marble floors on her white socks holding a wrapper for chocolate buttercups. One cup is stuffed in her mouth and she shoves the other in mine.

“I was hungry,” she says with her mouth full.

We’re toppling over in a fit of giggles and Rome is sighing as he waits for us to remember what we’re doing.

“We’re looking for my girl and my dog, remember? I really hope he didn’t eat any of that shit you’re tripping on. Babysitting four of you is enough. I don’t need a sick pup to worry about, too.”

When he reaches the basement door, we hear muffled music, and he stands in front of us before opening it, ushering us behind him.

Rome takes careful steps making sure we’re close behind and don’t slip.

When we get to the bottom of the stairs, we find her and Daya jumping up and down in the ball pit, rapping the lyrics to Wu-Tang Clan’s Method Man . Ghost has gotta be down here somewhere playing. They don’t notice us over the music. He stands off to the side for a moment, admiring her.

“I love that woman,” he says to me with a smile.

He is so gone for her. I love to see it.

I’ve never asked why she has ball pits in her basement, but she insisted on having them, and I think the dog loves them more than she does.

One is a drained indoor pool that has a trampoline floor filled with plastic balls. Ghost has his own ball pit; it’s an above-ground pool that he can get in and out of easily. Whenever he sees Rome, he runs over to him and is greeted with head scratches before jumping back into his pit.

Chess runs in front of us and uses the diving board to launch herself into the pit. She wears a look of surprise when she bounces off the floor, assuming she forgot about the trampoline underneath. Rome stands beside the pit, looking stressed, and shakes his head. Audrey is hyping her up and starts jumping with her, striking poses mid-air.

I climb down the steps on the other side and stand in the pit, swimming through the balls until I meet Daya in the middle. We join hands and jump around when the song changes to Lil’ Kim’s The Jump Off.

“Chess is going to throw up and I’m going to have to clean it,” Rome says as he rounds the pool and tries not to laugh at us. I notice him rapping along before he finds Audrey’s phone to turn down the music. Seeing serious Rome let himself have a little fun makes me smile. He squats beside the pool in front of Audrey and reaches his hand out for her.

Audrey grabs his hand and says, “Come in. The water’s fine.”

He chuckles. “I think you should take a break from swimming to eat and sober up. You can get back in the pool later, baby. Come on.”

She rolls her eyes but treks over toward the steps to leave the pit. We follow behind because food sounds good right about now. He makes sure we all get out safely before he walks over to Audrey, assessing her. He picks her up and carries her over his shoulder. Starting off towards the stairs, he whistles for Ghost, who follows behind .

“Let’s get you all fed and see if the neighbors are hungry since Audrey ordered enough for the whole block to eat.”

“Don’t underestimate my appetite. Watch me,” she argues.

He goes into dad mode, seating us at the dining table as he sets up our various orders as a spread in the middle of the table with Ghost on his heels, hoping that he drops something on the floor for him.

“You should let loose every once in a while,” Daya suggests to Rome.

“I am a lawyer, not a stoner. I missed that train. Didn’t have time to party in college. I was trying to pass the bar.”

“That’s why you’re so grumpy now. You don’t know how to have fun and you hate parties.”

“How potent did you make those brownies, babe?” he asks, looking at Audrey.

She glances over at him, and before taking a bite of her burger, she says, “Not very potent.”

He wears a knowing look. “You’ve all been acting like you’re eight years old tonight.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing. My childhood sucked,” Audrey argues with her mouth full.

The table is silent at her admission, looking around at each other for a subject change. Rome chews his lip hesitantly while she seems unfazed and focused on her food.

I take a stab at breaking the quiet spell.

I clear my throat and exclaim, “we’re healing our inner child!”

She looks up at me with a soft smile.

“To healing our inner child!” Chess agrees.

I hold out my burger and the girls join me, doing a cheers motion with our cheeseburgers.

Rome shakes his head in response, chuckling at us. “You know, as much as I complain, I love you little instigators , I just love this one more,” he says as he pulls Audrey in close, placing a kiss on the top of her head .

“You getting sappy on us, Romeo ?” Chess asks.

“Will I ever lose that name?”

“Never,” we sing in unison.

“We love you too, Romeo . You’re a good babysitter,” I add.

“Thanks.”

“Eric is a better one, though,” Daya says.

“That’s fair.”