Elevator Pitch (Hapless In Love #1)

65. The Dreaded ‘S-Word’

65

the dreaded ‘s-word’

Greyson

Manhattan, NY | April 23, 2024

My recent sessions with Dr. Pierson have been rough, but I am not giving up. Therapy isn’t easy, and I’m proud of myself for finally getting to this point and sticking with it. We talked about Selah today and the upcoming wedding. She recommends I continue letting Selah have her space and of course, if she comes to me for anything, I should meet her wherever she’s at.

I unpacked her reaction and keywords she mentioned so we could dig deeper into that. Overall, I’d like to make sure that I am able to love her in every way she needs it and properly. That’s why I’m here.

Selah and I still aren’t speaking to each other. I haven’t seen her since she ran out of my apartment over a week ago. I must admit not having her in my daily life has been torture. My house is empty without her laughter filling it. My bed is cold without her warmth. My plants are no longer thriving in her absence. Clifford misses her and Peach. They’d become good friends and then their parents stopped talking to each other. I’m worried about him, and I hope that for all our sakes, she and I can clear the air soon.

I’m not happy she stormed out when I told her how I felt, but when I role-played this—her running away was a scenario that we discussed, so I’d be ready for any reaction. Except nothing could have prepared me for walking out. I just wish she would’ve stayed and talked to me. I didn’t want her to leave, and I hate that she felt she had to. I have so much patience for Selah, and while I am frustrated with her, my feelings remain.

I love her on her best and worst days. She is my sunflower and always will be. Even if she never wants to see me again. Though I’ve gone a few days without her in my life, it's excruciating and after knowing what it’s like to love her, I’ll never be the same. Aileen’s wedding is this weekend, and it’s safe to assume she isn’t going to join me. I’ve hoped we’d at least make up or have a conversation before then.

I don’t regret how I handled things with Selah because she deserved to know the truth. I promised that I wouldn’t keep anything else from her, and I meant that. Even if there is no chance that she’ll love me back. She needs to know that as much as she feels she isn’t worthy of love, she is loved. Selah doesn’t allow herself to be human, and that’s all I’ve asked of her.

I’m maintaining the working-from-home experiment without her, and it’s an obvious change when she’s not around, but I’ve made an effort to stick with it. Except I’ve felt terrible every day and haven’t been back to the office since last week. Clifford has been enjoying my time at home, and Selah has even made sure I’ve been eating. She set a picnic basket outside my door yesterday and today. I’m thankful she has or else I wouldn’t have eaten anything. Unfortunately, I can’t even thank her since she disappears before I answer the door. Either that or I suspect she had Estelle deliver it. While we’re not really speaking, she’s been dropping off lunch and sweets. She sends texts to let me know there’s food waiting for me, but she never explains why.

Later that day, I receive a text from her and I get nervous when her name flashes on my screen. I’m secretly hoping it isn’t about food, but I’ll take what I can get because I miss her. So much. I have my fingers crossed that one day soon, she will want to talk about where we go from here.

Sunflower

Hi.

I don’t want you to think I don’t intend to talk about what happened. I do.

Did you still want to attend the wedding together?

Me

Of course, I would, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to.

Sunflower

I want to.

I also made a promise I intend to keep.

Still fake dating or just friends?

I was not expecting her to say that at all. She’s still down for being my fake girlfriend. I’ll take it over what we’ve been doing. Avoiding each other has been fucking hell. If I can have her for another day, I’ll never leave her side.

Me

Fake dating, but I won’t ask you to do anything you’re not comfortable with, Selah.

Sunflower

I’d like to be there, but if you don’t feel comfortable,

I understand and will stay home.

Me

I want you to see you. So badly.

Of course I want you to come.

Would you like to ride together or separately?

Sunflower

I’d like to see you too.

I know we need to talk, but I just need a bit more time.

I’d like to ride together, if you can stand me.

Me

It’s fine by me.

I’ll pick you up at 1 on Saturday.

Sunflower

I’ll see you then.

How was your lunch?

I tried a new recipe.

Me

Amazing. Thank you!

It would’ve been better if you were here with me.

Sunflower

I'm glad you liked it.

Did you give Clifford the treat I put in there?

Me

He loved it. :)

I miss you, Selah.

Sunflower

I miss you too.

I start to text ‘I love you,’ but decide against it. She said more today than she has been. That’s gotta be a good thing. Plus, I’m giving her space, and she asked for more time. I can wait. I will wait.

“Saturday,” I repeat to myself. I’m unsure of how we’re going to pull this off, but I wasn’t going to miss another chance to be around her.