Elevator Pitch (Hapless In Love #1)

66. That Dreaded ‘L-Word’

66

that dreaded ‘l-word’

Selah

Manhattan, NY | April 24, 2024

Today’s session with Dr. Garnett is unique , to say the least. I think she’s hoping for a breakthrough today. We’re diving into my self-sabotaging and fear of commitment. I understand now that all my efforts to protect myself have done more harm than good. When I mentioned we’re still going to the wedding together, she made an interesting face and said we’d unpack that in this session. That only made me more nervous.

“Why aren’t you speaking to Greyson? What happened?”

Just diving right into it, huh?

“I’m not speaking to Grey because he told me he loved me. I freaked out and ran.”

She jots something down on her notepad.

“Why did you feel the need to run?”

“I don’t know-I-I’m not proud of it. I just didn’t know how to process anything at that moment, so I removed myself from the situation.”

“And what did you do after you left? Did you allow yourself to process what happened, or did you avoid it?”

She fucking knows me. Too well, I fear .

“I got high, and Eric pushed me around in a cart at IKEA.”

She writes something else in her notepad and I am growing concerned. I trust Dr. Garnett to be honest with me, but I am nervous to hear what she has to say.

I know she is going to drag me , and I deserve it.

“So, you were avoiding your feelings. That’s all you had to say.” She sits up straighter in her chair and slips her pen over her ear. “How did you feel after that? I don't want you to consider anyone else's feelings right now, just your own.”

“I felt awful. I wanted to knock on the door and talk to him, but I convinced myself not to. I crawled in bed and stayed there. I called in sick yesterday and slept constantly, tortured with nightmares. At least when I shared a bed with Greyson, I didn’t have any. He protected me, even when he hadn’t known about them. I miss him. So much,” I say as tears soak my shirt.

I grab the tissue box and pat my face dry. Her face softens as she assesses me.

“I know you ran and said some things you didn’t mean. I’d like you to place yourself back there with him. If you hadn’t run, what would you have shared with him?”

“I’d want him to know that I’m taken aback by what he just said and that I’m not angry with him. I just need a minute to think.”

She nods and listens intently.

My voice is shaky with every word. “I’m frustrated because he promised he wouldn’t keep anything from me, and he had to have been holding onto that for a while. I wish he had been honest about this sooner, but I imagine it was difficult for him to share, and he was probably afraid. Given everything he’s experienced, it makes sense why he didn’t tell me right away.

I’d want him to know that I trust him, and I’m scared too. I’m scared of getting hurt and falling for the wrong person again. There are sirens blaring in my head telling me to run, but that’s not what I want to do right now. ”

“You’re doing great, Selah,” Doc says with a soft smile and encourages me to continue whenever I’m ready.

“I’ve never been in a healthy relationship and when I thought I loved before, it wasn’t reciprocated. So, I’ve convinced myself that I’m not lovable so that I won’t be disappointed if someone can’t meet me in the middle again. I’ve enjoyed the casual arrangement we have because it allows us to avoid the expectations that come along with actually dating someone. Though, I believe that whatever this is that we have together is healthy.” I pause and take a sip of water. “He listens and includes me in his life. He’s a busy man who makes time for me even when I just want to lie down and read. He’ll come over with a book and join me. We can coexist in comfortable silence. I’ve never had that before,” I chuckle as tears fall. “Sorry,” I choke, wiping my tears.

“It’s okay. Take your time and if that’s enough for today, we can stop,” she says softly.

I nod understandably, but I’d like to keep going.

“I feel safe around Greyson, I really do. When he said he loved me, there was a part of me that didn’t panic. I was excited about the possibility. Like maybe that tiny glimmer of hope could prevail over my fears for once. I’ve daydreamed about what it would feel like to be loved by him and I realize now that he’s always made me feel loved, heard and seen…he’s honestly like the men in my books.”

Her brows scrunch as she takes more notes. I sip more water and stare at my keyboard.

“Selah?”

“Um. Doc, I-I think I love him too.”

Her eyebrows raise and she looks over her glasses at me.

“About time. I’ve known this for a while, but I had to wait for you to get there on your own. I couldn’t just give you the answer,” she says with a knowing smile.

I scoff. “Well, why the hell not? That could’ve saved some time and embarrassment.”

“As your therapist, I am here to listen and make sure you’re equipped with the tools you need to advocate for yourself. I can challenge you and give you a little nudge whenever you’re close, but my job is to help you trust yourself to find the answers.”

“I suppose that makes sense. It’s kind of annoying, though.”

She chuckles and I join her.

I said out loud that I love him and I felt a weight lifted off my chest.

I do love Greyson. I’m struggling with accepting his love because I don’t believe I can maintain it. He asked me to stay and that’s what I should’ve done. I got frustrated and blamed him as if he did this on purpose. I know he didn’t. It just fucking happened. I’d be lucky if he’d ever speak to me again. When he said those words, I got scared. My mind went back to all the times Jourdan said it and never meant it. ‘I love you’ is a cause of destruction that was once my lifeline.

Dr. Garnett suggested role playing the conversation so that I can get more comfortable expressing these feelings out loud. She’d like for me to feel confident sharing with him whether it’s received positively or not. He opened his heart to me and I abandoned him. Knowing what he’s been through, I don’t expect him to forgive me because I wouldn’t. I know I talk a lot about how I wish I was normal again, but I never was. I don’t wish to be the woman I was before I met Jourdan. She wasn’t brave, didn’t take risks or make her own friends. Though, I’ll admit whenever the world feels like too much, I lean into the remnants of her for comfort.

The goal of the Fuck It List was to abandon my comfort zone and see what was out there. The woman I’ve worked so hard to become after I left is a result of that experiment. A piece of fucking paper and some goals I wrote down. The people I’ve met and the love I’ve surrounded myself with. That very love I fear from a romantic partner I’ve accepted platonically. I’d like to acknowledge my ‘new normal’ because while I survived, I wasn’t living until now . This may be as close as I get to being normal and Greyson loves me anyway. I know he does. He’s never made me question if he’d be good to me. I always thought I wasn’t good enough for him because I’m imperfect. I have blemishes and scars that I refuse to cover up, I wear some with pride, but not all. He’s accepted me, but I haven’t accepted myself.

I need to give myself permission to let him love me while I’m still a work in progress. I may never be fully healed, but Greyson meets me where I am and gives me all he’s got. Imagine how much more he could do if I let him. Mama said whenever I felt it, I wouldn’t be able to stop it no matter how hard I tried. I’ve read a lot of romance novels and while they are fiction, that part about love they do seem to get right. She wasn’t lying about that.

Love doesn’t give a damn if you’re ready for it. When it knocks you answer.