Finding Home at Randy’s (Diner Days)

Chapter 11

C allum’s door is ajar, so I knock once and push it open enough to stick my head in. I find him lying on his stomach on the bed, feet kicked up behind him. “What are you doing?”

He blinks at me. “Talking to Nat.” He brandishes his phone for emphasis. “What are you doing? I thought you were going to Randy’s?”

“I am, wanted to see if you needed anything first.”

He shakes his head and goes back to texting. “I’m fine. Go, have fun. Get some words done, ’cause I wanna read the next book.”

I laugh. “I'm not going for work, but you’ll be happy to know, I’m at least a fourth of the way into the book now.”

That catches his attention. “Wait, you’re actually going to hang out with people? I thought you just said that so Da would leave you alone.”

I shake my head. “I have friends, Cal. It’s not that much of a surprise.”

“Eh, kind of is.”

Sighing, I say, “Anyway, I’ll be gone for a few hours. Don’t get into anything you’re not supposed to, and get your schoolwork done.”

“How do you know it’s not all finished?”

“Is it?”

“No,” he admits with a grumble.

“Thought so. Get it done, Callum, or no more talking to Nathan unsupervised.”

“That’s unfair!”

I stare at him and he seems to weigh his options, because he sighs but sits up, tossing his phone onto the bed. “I’m getting my priorities straight.”

“Good, you do that. I’ll see you later, behave, and if you eat something, clean up after yourself. Da said you didn’t last time.”

That earns me an exasperated sigh, but I ignore the dramatics and leave him to it.

I should probably be offended that my kid is so surprised I’m leaving the house for something more than work, but…he’s not wrong. Even before the divorce, I only went out every once in a while. I like being around people when I’m working because it helps keep me on track and makes me focus, but going out with friends hasn’t ever been a priority.

Though getting married at nineteen and having a kid two years later had something to do with that.

Of course, I was more introverted before that. Rory has always been outgoing enough for the two of us. It’s part of the reason we’ve always worked so well; we’re able to balance one another.

Going to the munch today, while it’s not my first time, it has been a while. Last time, it was at Rory’s insistence as well. I should probably work on that and start doing things that I want to do but am too awkward about, without needing my best friend to talk me into them. It’ll be less pathetic at least. Maybe.

Making sure I have everything, I realize I can’t stall any longer, if I actually plan on going to the munch today.

As if he can read my thoughts from his office in the city, my phone vibrates with a text from Rory.

Partner in Crime

Don’t stall. You’ll regret it if you don’t go. *And* if you don’t, I’ll make you go to the club with me next time.

Graeme

I hate you

Partner in Crime

I know. Now go, or else you’ll be late

Graeme

I’m going

Walking out the side door, I flip off the security camera, knowing he’ll check the notification to make sure I’m actually doing what I said.

Nerves try to overtake me once I'm in my car, but I push them to the side. Maybe Rory is right, in more ways than one. Because while I’ve never been the most outgoing person, this sudden anxiety is surprising, and it’s messing with my head even more. It might be my first time doing something like this in a long while, but it is not my first time ever. That doesn’t seem to matter though as the anxiety churning through my body threatens to crush me. Holding the steering wheel tightly, I breathe deeply a few times.

After a few minutes, my heartbeat steadies and my breathing levels out, enough that I don’t feel like passing out, or as if I’m going to shake apart. It’s kind of disconcerting, as I’ve felt anxiety on and off over the years—publishing my first book was fucking terrifying —but this, though, is something different.

Before I can think too hard, I start the car and then put a call through to Rory.

“Change your mind?” he asks in lieu of hello.

“Almost,” I admit, backing my car out of the drive. “I…I think I had an anxiety attack?”

“Are you okay?” Concern threads through his tone, and whatever lingering feelings I had finally ease. “You don’t have to do this if it’s going to cause so much stress, Cher. I didn’t push you too hard, did I?”

I take a moment to think it over. Realizing that, no, he didn’t make me do anything I didn’t already want to, he just pushed me to action.

“I promise,” I tell him firmly. “It wasn’t you. I wouldn’t have agreed had I not also thought it was something I needed. I guess I’m just worried I’ve been away from the scene for too long, and they won’t want me there. Or maybe I’m too rusty for anyone to take me seriously, even though we’re not there for anything more than conversation. Or…maybe it’s not for me after all.”

Rory is quiet for a moment, but just his sheer presence helps soothe me further, so I’m not worried. “ It’s okay if you realize you no longer want to be part of the scene, Grae. It’s even okay if you come to realize your limits and needs have changed, more than you originally thought.”

“I know,” I reply. And I do know that. Part of the reason Rory and I never worked as a couple, despite the love and sexual chemistry between us, is our kinks have never lined up enough. And while it’s never been the be-all end-all for us, when you need that little something more, being able to have those needs met is important.

Rory and I made do for a long time, because we loved each other and the life we built, but love isn’t always enough. Luckily for us, we’d known each other too long at that point to not realize something had to change if we were going to stay together and continue being a family, for our sake, as much as it was for Callum’s.

“No, I don’t think it’s that. Do I think I’ve gotten too rusty and maybe too soft over the years? Sure, but the need to take care of someone is still there.”

“You’ve always been a soft Dom, Cher.”

“Thanks for the reminder,” I say, knowing my smile is bleeding through my tone.

“You’re welcome. Now, go and relax, enjoy catching up with people, and if you need me, I’m just a phone call away.”

“I don’t want to bother you.”

“It’s not a bother, Graeme. I’ll be home soon, so you won’t be interrupting anything.”

“I thought you had a date?” I ask.

“Eh,” he says. “I called it off. I wasn’t really feeling it to begin with, then I said something about having a kid and he got…weird.”

I scoff. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s whatever. I can’t go back in time and change having Cal, and I wouldn’t, even if sometimes I wonder what I did in a previous life to deserve him.”

I laugh, knowing the feeling well. I love my son, but sometimes… He got the best and worst parts of both of us. Poor kid.

“I understand some people don’t want children,” Rory continues, “But to look down on those of us who do have them…”

“Yeah.” I sigh. “I’m sorry you had to experience that.”

“It is what it is. So anyway, I’ll just be hanging out with Callum, you can call or text, or even send a smoke signal if you need to. I promise, you won’t be interrupting anything; let’s be honest, you’ll probably be saving me.”

“Such a drama queen.”

“Did you hear what I said?” he asks, tone serious. “I’m hanging out with Callum tonight. You know, our loveable but one hundred percent strange child.”

Thankfully, I’m stopped when he says this because I can’t hold back my laughter.

“Hmm,” I say, when I can finally catch my breath. “I wonder where he gets his ridiculousness from.”

Rory sniffs. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Uh-huh, sure you don’t.” Taking a deep breath, I say, “Thanks, Ror. I appreciate you talking me down. And…for being my friend, after all this time.”

“Anytime, Cher. I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

When Rory hangs up, I almost want to call him back, but swallowing down the urge, I find a parking spot and muster up the courage and good feelings that talking to my best friend ignited in me.

Trying to stall that one little extra bit, I pull down the visor mirror and mess with my hair, pretending I’m the type of person who actually cares about how neat my appearance is.

Taking one last deep breath, I flip the mirror back up and get out of the car on mostly steady legs.

Walking into the diner, it’s slightly easier to breathe when I'm surrounded by the familiarity of the place. Before I allow myself to second guess anything, I stride over to where familiar people are already congregating around a set of tables.

Cin comes bounding up, a set of cat ears perched precariously on their head, though I wouldn’t need the playgear to guess what they’re into. Cin is…very open, forward, and their sassy nature is a draw. I’m not into kittens, or their style of play, but I do admire how neither Cin nor their partner care about fitting into neat little boxes of what they “should” be. It’s one of the reasons I love this group they’ve managed to pull together; our hosts being themselves makes it easier on us, which means the risk of being judged is low.

“Hey, Cin.” I smile at the adorable kitten, who’s currently dressed in a tight black crop top and skintight pants that show off way more of…everything than I’d ever be comfortable with.

“I’m surprised you’re here,” they say, moving in for a quick hug. “I mean, I got your RSVP, but I still didn’t think you’d show up.”

I look at them in confusion. “I didn’t RSVP…” I know they prefer that we do, just so they can have a headcount, but nobody cares if someone wants to join us at the last minute, so long as they’re respectful.

They grin up at me. “Well, the text was from Rory, but it was on your behalf, so same difference.”

Rolling my eyes, I reply, “I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“Sure it is!” They bounce on their toes a little, even as they give a cheeky smile that lights up their hazel eyes.

I shake my head. “The two of you need to stop conspiring against me.”

“But where’s the fun in that?”

Shaking my head, I sigh and look around at the people already here, not seeing either of the two I was hoping for. A hint of disappointment runs through me, but I shove it to the side, knowing I can’t hinge this little outing on either Denver or Luka. I need to do this for me, more than anyone else.

It’s incredibly annoying that the reminder comes to me in the form of Rory’s voice.

“It’s good to see you, Cin,” I tell them. “You can’t tell him this, but Rory is right; I think today’s going to be good for me.”

Cin beams. “Your secret is safe with me.” They look past me and bounce in excitement once more. “Ooh, Denver brought someone with them, they said they might.”

Turning slightly, I look to where Cin’s gaze is directed, to find Denver did bring Luka with them.

The two walk hand in hand, and seeing them together makes both my stomach and heart flip over itself. They look good together, even though it looks as if Luka is clinging to Denver a bit.

When Denver sees me standing with Cin, they smile, and it lights up their entire way-too-fucking-pretty face. Some small part of me is hopeful that they look like that because of me, but I know better than to think that.

“Hi.” Denver sidles up to us with Luka in tow. “I wasn’t sure if you’d be here.”

“Neither was I,” I admit. I give Luka a small smile. “Nice to see you again.”

“You, too.” He has the usual deer-in-headlights look that all newbies get, and it’s fucking adorable.

Denver introduces Luka to Cin, and I allow myself to fade away, still too full of my own anxiety to handle being so close to Denver, knowing they’re here with someone else.

I’m not a jealous person, so it’s not that. At least, I don’t want to equate the weird, jittery feelings now running through me as jealousy. Especially when there’s nothing to be jealous of. Not when Denver and I are nothing but…acquaintances? We’re friendly, sure, but not enough to call us friends. Denver knows about my work and my kid because they like talking to people, and they make whoever they’re with feel seen. They may or may not know some of my history as a Dom because of the munches, and the fact my ex-husband is still very active in the scene.

Other than that? We don’t know each other, and this crush I’ve harbored for them over the last few years is as one sided as it’s always been.

So, I find someone I’m familiar with, and pretend I don’t studiously watch as Denver introduces Luka to everyone, all the while keeping a hand on him.

The weird ache building in my stomach moves up to my throat, and I force myself to look away, determined to enjoy this part of myself that I’ve lost, rather than craving something I’ve never had.