Finding Me in the Storm (Sweet Christmas Kisses)

Chapter Fifteen

Elaina

“Hey, Mom.”

“Honey, where are you? I thought we would hear from you by now on the big career decision. This is a huge culmination of all these years of training, residency, and all you’ve been through. You know how much we talked about your goals over the years, and we are happy to see you in this place. Your father has been itching to call you as well but has been busy on the latest research project.” She rambles on without a breath for what feels like an eternity.

Finally, a pause for my response.

I inhale deeply as I realize how important my career is to my family. The truth is, I would love to have them more worried about me, what is happening in my life outside a hospital, and, like other parents, a possible relationship. That has never been my reality, though, and I squash any resentment before it blossoms fully to life.

“I’m actually in Haven, New York, right now,” I say aloud.

Silence.

There have been only a handful of times in my life when I have rendered my mother speechless, and apparently, I can add this admission to the list. I wait for her to formulate a question, or some concern. As the silence extends, though, I feel duty bound to interject something to prevent the topic from going stale.

“I needed a break before I signed a new contract. I know, after all these years, that this is the next huge step in my career which requires me to look at all choices from multiple sides. For that reason, I thought a mini vacation would be the perfect opportunity to get away from it all. I’m spending time clearing my mind after a challenging residency and thinking about what I want next in life.”

“Sweetie, this is what you’ve been working years to achieve. I’m hopeful you are not second-guessing all your hard work,” she replies in a slightly edgier tone than a second before.

I can imagine my mother’s face, with her lips drawn into a painful line. Her eyes would be squinting at me, and she is probably signaling my father to come closer to the phone. These two rarely work me over for my choices without the other being engaged in the process. This always felt like a power play of some kind on their part versus just sharing my news with both parents in unison.

“Mom, I’m the one that worked all these years. I’ve watched you and Dad, along with hosts of other doctors, make their career their only achievement in life.”

“Medicine is necessary for the future generations. It is an honor to be smart enough and, in a position, to do a role such as those your father and I have done. We did adopt you later in life due to the sacrifices we chose to make, and I hope you realize how much more all that work has allowed you,” she remarks in a stilted, abrupt tone.

“Of course, I appreciate all you have done for me, and I know the sacrifices you have made. That said, it doesn’t mean that work needs to be the only thing in my life. I am human, after all,” I say, but before I can go further, she loudly interjects.

“Oh, this is about a man. What’s the loser’s name?”

I move the phone back to stare at the speakers. I have never heard that anger from my mother. Even if she disagrees with something I’m saying, it turns into some debate—anger is rare in our family. Disappointment and talk of how I’m letting them down—that is to be expected.

“Mom, I didn’t say I’m throwing anything away that warrants this anger,” I reply gently.

“Oh, I’ve seen this ridiculous set of choices by other brilliant minds. I thought we raised you better, though,” she finishes with an odd clucking noise.

My mother never raises her voice. Sometimes, the terrible things she says sound even more alarming because of her even modulated voice spitting out file truths, according to her. She is judgmental and is always the harder of my parents to please. This is the first time I’m working to withstand the force that is my parents’ expectations for me and start forging a path of only my choosing as I go forward. I’m almost thirty; after all, I guess it was bound to happen at some point.

“Okay, this is not about a man. I am burned out. I didn’t take a gap year or even miss a beat between a decade in school, internships, and residency. Mom, I know that this is a lifelong passion for you and my father. Your research and patients are the center of your world, and I can respect that. What I’m struggling with is how much you want to control and tell me what to do because you feel your experiences should translate to me in some weird way.”

“I’ll admit that your father and I have been fortunate that all moves in our careers have been forward and upward. That doesn’t happen with everyone. I can see how our pushiness may have been perceived and I do apologize. Elaina, please remember that you can’t make career decisions based on trying to make me happy. If you were to actually wish that, you would be at New Edge Specialty Medicine already and on your path to that bright future I know you have ahead of you,” she lectures.

I stop short at that speech. How did she know about New Edge Specialty Medicine? I had held back details of that role so as not to give my parents unnecessary details about the places I applied to work. If she knows, that means someone told her, or she pulled strings to even get me that offer.

“Mom, what did you do?” I growl into the phone.

“I have no idea what you could be talking about.”

“How did you know about New Edge Specialty Medicine?”

“You had to have told me at some point,” she replies.

The fact she can lie this easily to me in the first place is disturbing. I inhale and count to ten before proceeding. I don’t need an emotionally charged crossroads in my life to lead to an estrangement. On the other hand, I won’t tolerate her untruths as if I’m still a child she needs to protect—from what, I’m not sure.

“Mom, I purposefully didn’t tell you specifics of my job hunt because I didn’t want you putting in a call to someone who knows someone. I wanted to be able to do this all on my own, so I held the names of the various organizations I applied to. I’m a fully vetted doctor and capable of making choices for myself,” I plead.

“Well, maybe I saw it—”

“Mother. Answer me now, or I’m hanging up.”

Silence.

“I need to go,” she says. “Please text your final choice so your father and I are aware which direction you are choosing. Remember, we didn’t all put in this much time for you to chase some man to a certain life of misery.”

“Mom, did you pull some strings?”

The line goes dead.

“What’s up?” Nate’s voice interjects.

I pivot to him with a hand to my chest. He is less than a foot from me, and yet I never heard him come into the small space. My heart starts to pound nervously as the scent of the soap he uses and just the heat of him rolls over me in comforting waves.

“You really do have a tendency for sneaking up on me at the worst moments.”

“I was just passing by and then heard just a snippet of the conversation. Didn’t go well, huh?”

“I think my mom or dad, or both, arranged something with New Edge Specialty Medicine. I guess I had thought I took proper precautions against that happening. Here we are, though.”

“What did she say in particular that made you believe that?”

“She hung up when I pushed the topic.”

“Oh. Yeah, that is not a good sign. So, you want me to call her back and get the information out of her?”

Nate raises two hands in front of his body, like a fighter ready to protect and defend himself. For a moment, I imagine him going up against my mother. He definitely has a way with words and could maybe charm her into giving up the truth. The problem is that underestimating my mother has never ended well for anyone I’ve met—and that includes me more often than I like to recount.

“No. We have been headed to a firm conversation regarding boundaries and my ability to live a life separate from their choices for years now. I know I have to establish some boundaries and consequences for their meddling, as they just can’t seem to help themselves. I have to wonder if this was the plan from the moment they decided to adopt or only happened when it was revealed how smart I was.”

“I would assume they were always going to be helicopter parents. The late-in-life timing of when you came around all but assured it. Still, they have to learn that you are not a baby and something in your life needs to be left for you to decide.”

“Thank you,” I reply with a wave of my hand. “Oh, and I might have made it worse for myself by telling her about the vacation I’m taking here. She assumed there was a boy involved in leading me astray.”

“First off, I’m a man,” he grumbles.

“I did not tell her about you,” I retort, horrified. “She would be on the next plane trying to rescue me from the clutches of my bad choices.”

“I did have to rescue you from a snowbank,” Nate sarcastically replies as I playfully punch him.

“That is a story you better take to your grave.”

“I mean, I think it’s working out great for us. Though leading you astray, I have definitely tried to downplay so as not to scare you too much from coming back.”

Our eyes lock and the electricity in the small space sparks life between us. He’s so close, within a few steps he could wrap those big arms around me and make the world fade away. Just the romantic silliness of that, though, makes me realize I need to move out of this space.

I sniff the air, as there is the smell of rotisserie chicken.

“Did you bring chicken?”

“Yeah. I know it a favorite of yours from Chicago and thought it might be some comfort food for you.”

Man, I need to understand how Nate is still single. He is perfect and always seems to know exactly what I need without being overly pushy. Yet, I know that this is part of his personality, and the bigger emotions I’m feeling toward him still could be one-sided. I’m his sister’s best friend and a guest—the good manners run in the family. The rom-com that plays in my head every time he is near is probably my creative brain playing tricks, I reason with myself.

“Yes, of course, I want chicken,” I tell him with a huge smile.

“Good because I want to know how the Doctors Without Borders interview went,” he says, as I move my gaze to his eyes.

“How did you know?”

“You are the only person I know who still uses a paper planner.”

I see his finger point to the open book on the table. I forgot to stow that before he got back, so I have only myself to blame.

“The call was amazing,” I explain to him. “The sheer number of initiatives and countries they now cover is astounding. I might even be able to do temporary assignments of a short enough duration so that I can keep my job afloat with some planning. It might be a good compromise of a steady role, along with feeding my soul on occasion helping others.”

“That sounds all good to me. Do you believe you would thrive doing both?”

“For sure. I mean, everyone you see needs you. Not wants you, but their lives hang in the balance of the food and water we all administer, and that’s before the first doctor’s exam. Vaccinations and the ability to change the very direction of a child’s life in such meaningful ways, I believe, would be nothing short of a dream role.”

“Okay, then, what is the obstacle you can’t seem to move out of your way? Besides your mother, as we both understand that one. What holds you back from making this plunge?”

I feel a litany of emotions rage through my systems. Anger at the past makes me hesitate to try new things for less money but a lot more personal satisfaction. Additionally, I hate that Nate is seeing me at such a vulnerable time and filling the void. That is further complicating my feelings and just how we might get on after I move to a new job.

“I think you are stopping me to some degree now, but not you exactly,” I tell him, trying to find the words to put everything in perspective for him.

“Maybe I’m hungry, but that made no sense,” he replies.

“You just need an excuse to wolf down more food,” I tease in return. “We just ate some rotisserie chicken.”

“That was a snack; I have the chef making us something great, and I thought you might like to enjoy it out on the terrace,” he says, as I look at the man to see if he is kidding. “Why don’t we head out there and continue this conversation? I’ve blocked off the rest of my day and evening just for you.”

I get this warm, syrupy feeling down my midsection. Seriously, I’m not sure how I managed to get to this age and not have a first crush this fierce. It sucks so bad it had to be Nate that turned on that romantic side of me, as this is a complication with Luna, where we live, and a million other tiny logical things that seem to make us incompatible.

“You know that the terrace is snow-covered and in sub-zero degrees—right? Are you still working to kill me before I get a chance to go home and tell your sister all sorts of gossip about you?” I tease.

“Trust me,” he says as he holds his hand out.

I place my palm in his. “You know Luna is a force to be reckoned with if you injure or freeze her best friend, right?”

“Oh, I’m fully aware,” he says as we start toward the dining room. “When that little girl came into the family, she brought drama and chaos. I remember her little squeak as a baby could bring all of us running. She figured that out soon enough and would make these terrorizing wails.”

“I don’t think Luna wails to get her way anymore,” I tell him with a giggle as we cross into the kitchen behind the dining space.

I watch as Nate has a quick chat with the man who appears to be in charge. After a few introductions, we head back out and then onto an outdoor space. I’m stunned that the space is warm with these fire-spewing towers on all four sides of the small outdoor area.

The mountains beyond are snow-covered, the snap of the air cool despite the warmth of the cozy dining space with a table having only two chairs. Nate moves to pull my chair back and tucks me into the table before crossing to sit down. I can’t keep my head focused on him, as there is such a breathless feel to the scenery in all directions laid out for my eyes to feast upon.

“This might be the single best place I’ve ever eaten,” I tell him breathlessly.

“You haven’t eaten a bite yet,” he says with a laugh.

“The view alone is breathtaking; you could feed me fries, and I would call this the best meal of my life. It is weirdly unsettling being outside in this brutally cold weather but feeling warm and toasty without heavy outerwear on.”

“I told you that I wouldn’t let you freeze,” he offers back. “I’m glad you love this view, though; it’s one of my favorites. Now that I have you comfortable, let’s talk about what you want for the future, not what everyone else has planned for you, and how we get you toughened up to make those boundaries—and stick to them.”

“Wow, who knew you were planning miracles over this dinner,” I mutter as I shake my head.

“Come on, you can heal people and deal with the worst emergencies. I have a feeling you can solve this,” Nate says.

As I stare into his eyes, my stomach clenches. The attraction I feel for this man overwhelms me in a way I’ve never felt before. He seems truly intent on helping me navigate this time of my life to get what I feel is best for me, and with nothing in this for him. I see him reach out a hand to me, and with a slight hitch in my breath, I put my smaller hand in his. As he closes his hand around mine, I feel safe in a way I never have before, and I can’t wait to see how this evening ends.