Fix You (The Irish Rogues #3)

Chapter Nine Maeve

T hree Months Later

As soon as I’d finished with my last exam, Callum sent the private jet for Mam, Eamon, and me to come spend the Christmas holidays in Boston. Considering his and Caterina’s newlywed status, he’d wanted to start their own family traditions rather than spend Christmas in Belfast.

Truthfully, I welcomed the change. There was nothing for me in Belfast but the ghosts of my past. Last Christmas our large extended family rallied around us in our first holiday without Da. My emotional turmoil was still too fresh, so Mam had given me her blessing to sneak away on Christmas Eve to our beach house.

But I hadn’t been alone. Quinn, who was still dealing with his own pain from the bombing that had left him scarred both physically and emotionally the year before, had taken the keys from my bodyguard and driven us both away. Then on Christmas Day, we’d been joined by the others with leftovers from lunch.

The moment we’d landed we found Caterina had been doing everything she could to make it a holiday to remember. I think it had a lot to do with the fact it was her first Christmas as a married woman, not to mention she’d spent the last one in a religious order.

The more time I spent with Caterina, the more I liked her. It didn’t hurt that we were so close in age. After I’d returned to university, we’d started texting daily, and we usually Facetimed two to three times a week.

Like me, Caterina really didn’t have any close female friends. While I had many acquaintances from my classes that I might pop into the pub for a pint or catch a movie at the cinema with, I always kept them at arm’s length because of my past. Caterina helped bridge that gap to have someone to truly depend on who knew my darkest secrets.

Well, except the one where I kissed her brother and had a mental breakdown.

Over the months, there had been one person who had consistently stayed on my mind, and that was Rafe. So many times I’d wanted to reach out to him either with a phone call or maybe even an email. Even Dr. Leighton had urged me to speak with him about what had happened. She’d handled several emergency sessions with me right after the incident while I was still in Boston. He’d been a frequent topic of conversation in all of my sessions since returning to Dublin.

But in the end, I ignored her advice.

Deep down I knew the reason remained the same as I’d told Mam. If I reached out to him, I would have to explain about my past. And just like before, I didn’t want to ever see a look of pity in his eyes. Or worst of all disgust. I wanted to always remember him frozen in time on that night. When he’d looked at me with attraction.

And with lust.

Even though I knew he was eventually destined for an arranged marriage, I sometimes allowed myself a daydream or two about what it would be like to be with him. In my fantasies, I never reacted like I did that night. I allowed him to kiss me over and over again.

Of late, he’d starred in all my explicit fantasies. Months before I’d met Rafe, Dr. Leighton had asked me to conquer touching myself before I allowed anyone else to touch me. I needed to understand what brought me pleasure and what my limits were at my own hands before I was with someone else.

Those earlier sessions with my rabbit had been fantasizing about Henry Cavill in his Tudors days.

Now it was only Rafe who got me off. I didn’t even need any toys. Just the thoughts of him with his face between my legs, licking and sucking at my clit, could bring on multiple orgasms. I sometimes like to imagine him taking me to a club and jerking up the hem of my dress and fucking me where anyone walking by could see us.

But in the end, it was only fantasies.

Some of them were so dirty I often felt the need to repent for them during mass much like I was at the moment. After days of shopping and baking, we all piled into two bullet-proof SUV’s to attend Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.

As I knelt on the kneelers with my rosary in my hand, I let my prayers of repentance for my sinful fantasies go to the man who controlled my ability to be sexually free. Even outside of mass, I prayed to be free from Oisin. I desperately wanted to be able to experience what other young women my age were.

I wanted the fantasies that I experienced with Rafe to be a reality.

I wanted dates and romance and…intimacy.

I wanted to feel a man’s hands on my body that brought pleasure, not disgust or shame. I wanted to be able to give myself freely, not tethered to my trauma.

I wanted to have sex again…or I suppose I should say for the first time.

Dr. Leighton had coached me many times not to count what had happened with Oisin. I hadn’t given my consent, so it wasn’t truly part of my sexual history.

My focus thankfully went from Oisin to Rafe. Despite how things had ended with him, I couldn’t help wanting him. At the impure thoughts filling my head in church, heat rushed to my face. Ducking my head, I tried to rid my mind of the x-rated thoughts of Rafe Neretti. Instead, I focused on what the new year would bring to me.

I hoped for peace and happiness.

And despite all the obstacles, I hoped for Rafe Neretti.

After arriving home late from mass, I slept in on Christmas morning. When I rolled over to peek at my phone, it was after nine. With a grimace, I threw back the covers. Mam and I were going to help Caterina prepare Christmas lunch. Although she was an exceptional cook, Caterina was still learning some of the traditional Irish dishes. She’d also mentioned wanting us to sample some of the Natale meals she’d grown up with. I felt bad that she wouldn’t be spending Christmas with her blood family. Callum wouldn’t be welcome at the Nerettis, so I’d heard Caterina saying she wouldn’t be attending any of their parties or gatherings.

At my movement in the bed, Murphy began rousing as well. I knew he would need to go out, so I threw on my robe and took him downstairs. After putting my coat over my robe, I entered the alarm code and headed outside.

Once I deposited Murphy on the ground, he began to sniff around the snow. After a few minutes passed with me shivering, I urged, “Murph, come on. I’m freezing my tail off out here.”

Thankfully, he took my words to heart and did his business. After grabbing him up, I hurried us back inside.When I entered the kitchen, I found Caterina alone. I wondered if Mam had overslept too. Murphy yipped and ran over to Caterina.

After she scooped him up, she turned around. With a beaming smile, she carefully pronounced, “ Nollaig shona , Maeve.”

“Thank you.” Since I’d done my homework, I replied, “And Buon Natale to you.”

Her dark eyes lit up. “Oh, you don’t know how much it means to hear that in a house full of Irishmen.”

I laughed. “I bet.”

Grabbing a mug from the cabinet, I went over to pour some much needed coffee. After surveying the dishes and ingredients lining the massive countertop, I mused, “That looks like an awful lot of food even for us.”

Caterina laughed. “Actually, I made more because my brothers are joining us for lunch.”

Her brothers ….

Rafe ….

At the thought of seeing him again, all the pent-up emotions I’d been sheltering overwhelmed me, sending the mug in my hands crashing to the floor. “Oh I’m sorry I’m so clumsy,” I cried as I bent over to gather the pieces. As I deposited the shards in the trash, I felt Caterina’s inquisitive gaze on me.

Although I dreaded what I would see in her eyes, I finally looked at her. Both concern and understanding was written on her face. “I’m sorry that I surprised you with the news of the boys’ visit. I imagined Callum or your mother would’ve told you already.”

While Callum probably hadn’t given it any thought, Mam had most likely concealed the news so I wouldn’t try to bolt on Christmas Day. I shook my head. “Oh, I’m not upset about seeing them. My hands are still slick from the lotion I used after my shower.” To reiterate my lie, I reached for one of the hand towels.

As I was working the fabric furiously over my skin, Caterina reached out to stop me. “Maeve, I know why you’re anxious about seeing my brother.”

I swallowed hard before whispering, “You do?”

She nodded. “I know something happened between the two of you at my reception.”

“What do you–”

At that moment, Callum burst into the kitchen with a broad smile. “ Nollaig shona , my beautiful ladies.” The mirth slowly faded from his face. “What’s wrong?”

While my panicked gaze spun to Caterina, she waved her hand. “Maeve accidentally broke one of the mugs and was afraid I would be angry, but I was more worried that she cut herself on the shards. Thankfully, she’s fine.”

I shot Caterina a grateful look. At the same time, I couldn’t help being impressed with her ability to lie to my brother so quickly.

Frowning, Callum came over to inspect my hands. “Are you sure you’re okay?

With a wave of my hand, I replied, “I’m fine. Just klutzy.”

Satisfied with my answer, Callum turned to eye the food. “That looks like quite the spread.”

“For Natale lunch, we’ll be having braised beef in wine sauce along with ricotta and spinach stuffed ravioli,” Caterina announced with pride.

Peering around the counter, Callum's nose wrinkled. “While that would normally sound out of this fucking world, what about the turkey and stuffing and potatoes?”

Caterina and I laughed. Patting his back, I replied, “Don’t worry, Northernman. You’ll get your traditional Irish lunch.”

Callum grinned. “Does that include those delicious mince pies you make?”

“Of course. They’re thawing as we speak.”

With an exaggerated smile, he rubbed his belly. “I can already taste them.”

Caterina snorted before pushing Callum to the doorway. “Go on and leave it to us women.”

“Fine, fine,” he muttered.

When Callum headed to the living room, Mam appeared down the back staircase. Caterina appeared momentarily disappointed. I know she wanted to say more about the night of the reception, but she wouldn’t dare in front of Mam. Of course, she had no way of knowing that Mam knew everything that had transpired that night.

Grateful for Mam’s appearance, I focused my attention on preparing the mince pies on a baking sheet. More than anything, I tried pushing my out-of-control thoughts of Rafe out of my head.

As soon as the pies were done baking and I’d helped Mam with the turkey and stuffing, I followed her upstairs to get ready. Just as I was about to go into Kellan’s room where I was staying, Mam followed me inside. “What is it?”

“I just wanted to see what you were wearing.”

I cocked my brows at her. “You haven’t cared about what I’ve worn to Christmas lunch in years.”

Mam swept her hands to her hips. “Can’t a mother be interested in her daughter’s clothes?”

As I made my way over to the closet, I eyed Mam suspiciously. After flicking through a few hangers, I pulled out a very plain midnight blue dress. I’d chosen it for comfort, not for fashionability.

“Here it is,” I said, showing it to Mam.

She appeared contemplative before finally wrinkling her nose. “That won’t do.”

“Excuse me?”

“You need something flashier.”

“Since when?”

Her green eyes narrowed at me. “Maeve Diana Kavanaugh, why are you being so stubborn?”

“I’m not.”

Crooking her finger at me, Mam said, “Come with me.”

With an exasperated sigh, I followed her out of Kellan’s bedroom and across the hall to Dare’s. Standing in the middle of the room, I waited for her as she rustled around in the closet. When she reappeared, she held in her arms a breathtakingly beautiful green velvet dress. As she held it out to me, it had an almost vintage look with the fitted waist and wide skirt.

As I ran my hand over the fabric, I asked, “Where did you get this?”

A secretive smile played on her lips. “Santy brought it for you.”

With a roll of my eyes, I replied, “Mammy, I haven’t believed in Santy since I was nine years old.”

She laughed. “Fine. I brought it with me for you to wear today.”

“Whatever for?”

“Because I knew you needed to look divine for a certain lunch guest.”

I gasped. “You knew Rafe was coming today?”

“I didn’t know for certain, but I wanted to be prepared just in case.”

With a frustrated grunt, I flopped down on the bed. “Mam, it doesn’t matter what I look like. There is no future for me and Rafe.”

Mam huffed as she came over to the bed. “And who says?”

“He’s going to have an arranged marriage one day like Callum and the rest of your sons.”

“Who says he can’t have a marriage with you?”

My head fell into my hands. With a groan, I replied, “I just want to forget about Rafe and what happened at the reception.”

“Bullshit.”

I jerked my head up. “Excuse me?”

“You’re still mooning over him. I know it.”

“I am not,” I protested. No, you’re making yourself come to fantasies of him.

“Have you even tried to meet a man since you got back to Dublin?”

“I’ve been busy with school.”

Jabbing a finger at me, Mam countered, “Once again, bullshite.”

I threw up my hands in frustration. “What would you have me to do, Mam? Wear the dress and fix myself up.”

“Absolutely.”

“And then if he looks at me wrong, Callum and the others will beat him within an inch of his life.”

“You leave your brothers to me.”

I rolled my eyes. “Somehow that doesn’t make me feel better.”

Mam grabbed me by the arm and pulled me to my feet. After playfully swatting my backside, she said, “Get your arse into the shower. And when you get out, you do that beautiful hair of yours and use all your best makeup.”

“Seriously, Mammy?”

“Aye, I am.”

Since I knew she wasn’t going to back down, I decided just to do what she said. As I trudged across the floor to the bathroom, she said, “I’ll hang the dress up on the back of the door.”

“Fine.”

“And I brought that emerald and pearl necklace and earrings Hugh gave me for our twentieth anniversary. It will look divine.”

“Anything else?” I questioned.

She smiled. “Go get him!”