For Better or Hearse

Chapter Thirty

A sh wakes in a soft bed, blankets tucked up to her chin. She snow-angels her arms in the cool sheets, blinks her eyes open to blazing sunlight. “Ugh, fuck,” she groans, dropping a hand to her face. It feels like the morning after a night out with Tessie when they were young. Bleary eyes, dry mouth, throbbing head. The holy trinity of their best drunken nights.

That’s when the night comes back to her. Tearing Don a new one at dinner. Delaney and the tarot reading that rocked her world. Nathaniel plucking her from the sand like she was a drunken damsel.

Nathaniel.

She sits up and scans her surroundings.

It’s not her room, but it’s the spitting image of it. On the nightstand is a bottle of water, a mini bottle of orange juice with the cap missing, two ibuprofen and her phone. A flash of memory hits her. Nathaniel waking her, cradling her in the middle of the night, making her take a few sips of juice.

Phone in hand, she checks her blood sugar. Her texts.

Tessie: Can you talk?

“Shit.” Ash rubs her eyes. It’s her day to call her cousin and catch up on the trip.

Footsteps snag her attention. She looks up.

Nathaniel appears at the doorway to the balcony.

His lovely mouth quirks.

Ash smiles as her heartbeat thunders. He is a beautiful man, and she is never getting over him.

“How are you feeling?” he asks.

“I hate my liver, the sun and myself.” She wrinkles her nose. “Listen, about last night— ”

He holds up a hand. “You don’t owe me an apology for last night.”

Setting her phone down, she studies him. “I don’t?”

“No. You don’t owe anyone an apology.” He half grins. “Don’s probably rightfully banished from the family for a day or two.”

He pours her a cup of coffee, comes to the bed and sits beside her. “But you know what I would take?”

Ash grins. Her attention dips to the waist of his boxers. “Rough, wild sex?”

“Later.” He stills her hand when she reaches out to cop a feel. Searches her eyes, his look blistering and concerned. “How about an explanation about Maui?”

Fuck.

She forgot about that part.

Heat climbs into her cheeks. She glances at the window, then down to the sheet covering her. “I want to let you in…”

She does. She truly means that. But can she get through it without falling apart? Or feeling weak? Those are the parts she hates.

He taps her chin, bringing her back to him. “While you’re considering it, let’s go.”

Her breath hitches. “Where?” Her eyes go wide. “Wait. What time is it?” She shifts, gaze landing on the nightstand clock. “Shit. We missed the tour.”

“We haven’t missed anything. Plans have changed. Our plans, at least.”

She narrows her eyes in suspicion. “Where are we going?”

He smiles. “Pack a bag. I’ll show you.”

The helicopter takes them from Maui to Kauai. A picturesque four-hour thrill ride where they’re gifted perfect views of the lush scenery of Hawaii. She and Nathaniel talk about everything—except Maui. When they land, they take a taxi from the airport to the tip of Kauai’s northern shore.

When they arrive, backpacks in hand, she gapes at where he’s brought her.

“Nathaniel,” she says softly, shocked. In the distance, Kilauea Lighthouse stands tall, overlooking the Pacific Ocean.

“You said you wanted to see a lighthouse.” His grin’s lopsided, like he hasn’t figured out how to use it.“I reserved it for you.”

She stares at the lighthouse and its bright red roof. Her breathing goes shallow. “You can do that?”

“For you, I did,” he says seriously. He watches her face closely. “Do you like it?”

Her heart thumps so hard it hurts.

Nathaniel did this. For her. Whisked her away on an impromptu trip. A sweet excursion that’s tailored to what she wants to do. It’s such a kind, thoughtful gift that she wants to cry.

To scream.

Because she can feel it. The slow dissolve of the walls of her heart. It’s all breaking down. Like bones in acid.

Suddenly, she can’t contain it anymore. Her joy.

She flings herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Thank you,” she says, clasping her hands to his face. She stares into his eyes. Kisses his lips. “I love it.”

His throat bobs, his face heavy with emotion in the hazy sunlight. “I thought we’d stay for the sunset, then head back. It’ll be late, but…”

She nods. She wants every second of this day. A world, a memory she gets to share with only Nathaniel. “I don’t care.”

Hand in hand, they walk the trail that leads up to the lighthouse. Seabirds—kestrels, petrels and boobies—swoop over the waves.

A thousand bonfires ignite in her heart. “Look at it.” She points up at the structure, fascinated by how big it is, how small she feels. There’s an electric energy to the place. A meant-to-be type of feeling. “It’s like a great looming giant.”

She turns her head, and her breath hitches. Nathaniel is watching her, gaze intense. Heat slicks up her thighs.

She wiggles her brows. Squints up at the tower, the beacon and the viewing platform, and a chill creeps over her spine. “Do you think the ghosts want to meet us?”

A kind of amused laugh escapes him. “I don’t know how I feel about being offered up to the spirits.”

“I’ll be the first sacrifice.” She tugs at his hand. “C’mon.”

Feeling giddy and reckless, she opens the door of the lighthouse. Inside, it’s part gift shop, part museum. They look around, reading plaques and various other displays, and then Ash drifts to the circular staircase.

“Up?”

Nathaniel nods. Hand on her back, he follows as she takes the stairs carefully. They climb. Up and up.

“Be careful.” His voice is hard. She knows now that he’s being cautious. Worrying. When they get to the small circular walkway that lines the beacon tower, he holds tight to her waistband.

They step out onto the observation platform. Salty sea air hits them in the face.

Ash takes a deep breath, inhaling. “Oh my god,” she breathes, grasping the railing.

Their surroundings are stunning. Panoramic ocean views. The sunset dipping beyond the horizon. She can picture it. Kilauea’s guiding light giving early sailors safe passage from the dangerous bluffs and guiding them home.

Nathaniel wraps his left arm around her middle and pulls her back against him. She snuggles against the hardness of his body. Tips her head back to look up at him. “Now’s your chance,” she teases. “Three days left to murder me.”

The mention of the end of the trip kills the light in his eyes .

A muscle works in his jaw. Then he husks, “How about I kiss you instead?”

He turns her toward him, crushing her against his chest. He kisses her. Hard. Almost angrily. Her heart knocks at her sternum as she sweeps her tongue over his. Runs her nails through his wind-ruffled hair. She digs them in, earning a sharp curse of pleasure from Nathaniel.

He’s evil. The way he makes her want him.

Without breaking contact, he coasts his hands over her ass, squeezing, yanking her against him tight. Every ounce of willpower inside her shatters.

Ash whimpers against his lips.

Nathaniel pulls back. They’re both breathing hard.

“Tell me what you want in life,” he whispers, kissing her hair, her temple, her throat.

“I want cats. I want a place in the forest or on a boat near the water. I want to travel to witchy woods and tremulous oceans and take lazy naps in a cabin in one of those big blankets with the loops that are so ridiculous I can already see your eye roll. But I…I want all that. I want to be healthy and have good sex and maybe live in a lighthouse.”

Heat kindles in his eyes. “Your weirdo dreams are my absolute favorite. And you are my absolute favorite weirdo.”

“Really?” His words do something swoony to her insides. Like he could know everything about her life and never run from it.

“Really.” He cups her face. “I’m insane for you, Ash.”

He’s nodding, nodding, nodding, his lips moving around her name, and then he’s moving into her.

“Ash,” he breathes. Fingers shaking, he cradles her face. “Tell me a truth. Tell me your name.”

“No,” she laughs, too happy to ward him off, to scoff, to joke. “Not yet.”

Satisfaction flickers in those pale-blue eyes .

A ping on her phone. Quickly, Ash silences the text. It feels wrong to interrupt this moment. Whatever it is.

Nathaniel, immaculately backlit by the sunset, leans in. “What if I told you…I want to live in a lighthouse with you?”

“I’d say…” Emotions swell and bubble in her throat. “Maybe I’ll let you.”

It’s that maybe that does her in.

Her heart’s in this. Whether she likes it or not.

Whether she can admit it or not is a different story.

Is it stupid, silly to want? He’s conventional, a doctor with a game plan. She’s unconventional, a death doula with no direction. Complete opposites. Sure, they can commit, whisper sweet nothings. But they can’t escape real life. Or their differences. Reality’s creeping up on them.

Three days, and they’re all over.

“My turn,” she whispers. “Tell me a lie.”

Right now, the truth terrifies her the most.

“I don’t like you,” he says hoarsely, and her chest wrenches. “I don’t think I ever will.”

She takes him in through lust-addled eyes. Her heart feels heavy. Like a one-hundred-pound weight sinking in quicksand.

No one else on earth has ever seen her so completely. It’s terrifying.

She shivers as the wind kicks up. The sky’s turned dark and ominous.

“Cold hands.” Nathaniel gathers her hands in his and brings them to his chest protectively.

She steps into him, slipping her thigh between his. “Colder heart.”

“But I have warm lips. Very, very warm lips.” He drops a strong hand to her skirt, roughly pushes it aside. “Ash.” His voice is intense, velvet. His eyes drugged and dark.

She lets out a whimper. “I need you.” God, she hates begging, but she’s a flame .

Approval fills his eyes. “Fuck.”

With urgency, he unzips his pants. His long, muscular body hovers over her as he backs her against a portion of brick wall. Roughly, he grabs her leg and drags it up to his waist.

When he shoves her panties aside, Ash closes her eyes.

And then he slips into her. She cries out silently, head falling back. He’s so hard, fits her so right. She rides him, grinds against him in mindless desire.

His eyes blaze with hunger. Hand tangled in her hair, he brings her mouth to his and whispers, “Come with me.”

At his words, something sharpens inside her.

Her heartbeat pulses in her gut. Desire rises like a wave inside her. “Yes, yes,” she breathes. She falls forward, that strong chest holding her up as they rock wildly—together.

The thorns around her heart release. Then constrict.

Not loose. Not quite yet.