For Better or Hearse

Chapter Thirty-One

I t’s nearly ten before they return to the hotel, and they have to be up early for a tropical island excursion his grandfather has pulled strings for them to participate in. As they exit the van after dinner and Nathaniel tips the driver, he tucks Ash tight against him.

Letting go of her proves a feat impossible.

After today, he’s never seen clearer in his life.

She’s the woman he’s going to marry.

And not someday.

Soon.

Nothing else matters. Them . Fuck the North Sea. Fuck his hike in Peru.

He hasn’t loved anyone in five long years.

But he remembers what it feels like.

It feels like Ash.

The knowledge burns through him.

She makes him want to stop running. To make a home. But unless it’s with her, it’s not worth it.

“Come to my room,” he tells her. He can’t explain this inexplicable pull to keep her close. To hold on.

“And do what?” Her eyes twinkle.

“Whatever you want.”

A mischievous smile tugs at her lips. “Then we’re escaping to the roof and howling at the moon.”

He feels breathless as she laughs and tugs him forward. This is one of those fleeting moments where she drops her guard. He craves them.

How has he lived without her his entire fucking life ?

Different. She is different. Unlike anyone he’s ever known. She offends his family. Makes little kids cry. Once upon a time, he’d say they’d never work. They’re different in so many ways, yet they get each other. Belong together. A car can’t be wired without two opposing wires. And that’s what she is to him.

Feral, mean, his .

He’s trying not to think about it. What happens when this trip ends. But suddenly, it’s the only thing on his mind. While Ash dozed in his arms in the helicopter, he worked through scenarios. Ways to make it work.

How he will make it work.

Whatever he does next, all he knows is he can’t let her get away.

It was inevitable. Falling in love with Ash. He’d have a million babies with this woman. He’d also be content living in a lighthouse at sea with fifty cats. Whatever Ash wants.She owns him completely.

“There you are,” his mother says, coming toward them when they enter the lobby. Her eyes land on his arm around Ash’s waist.

He doesn’t let go of her. He’s stopped caring about who sees them. Let them say something.

“Have a nice time?” Claire asks.

Nathaniel angles his head to Ash. “We did.”

In return, Ash pokes him in the arm. “He’s a show-off with that helicopter.”

Nathaniel asks his mother, “What are you still doing up?”

She nods her head toward the bar. That’s when he picks up the sound of Delaney’s great giggle of a laugh. “Late night chess match between Tater and your grandfather. You two should come.”

Nathaniel murmurs to Ash, “What do you think?”

“I think I’m betting on Augustus.”

His mother gives him a quick smile, then focuses on Ash. “Someone’s been calling the hotel trying to get a hold of you. He’s very…growly. ”

Nathaniel frowns.

“Who?” Ash asks, her brows pinched in confusion.

“He said his name’s Solomon.”

Ash pales, goes rigid in his hold. “Fuck.” She slips out of his grasp. Then she’s moving so fast, speed walking for the elevators, that Nathaniel has to jog to keep up.

“What’s wrong?” he asks immediately.

She’s shutting down. Tense expression. Tight voice.

“I never called her. Tessie.” Her lips are pressed flat. Storm clouds enter her eyes. “It was my turn. And I forgot. I put her off.”

In silence, they take the elevator up to the thirteenth floor. The minute they pass through the doorway of her hotel room, her phone’s at her ear. “Shit. Shit, shit, shit.” Her curses are soft and panicked. She hangs up. Tries again. “I forgot to call her.”

“Ash,” he says, alarm rising in him too. “What can I do?”

Wide, worried eyes on his, she shakes her head. Then she startles, like maybe the other end of the phone finally picked up. “Solomon? What happened?” A pause as she listens. Then, “ What ? Oh no.” Ash presses a hand to her chest, worries her lower lip between her teeth. “Is she okay?”

Nathaniel sets his backpack on the counter. He moves to stand behind her, running his hands over her shoulders. Ash, eyes closed, leans back against his chest like she’s absorbing a blow.

“Fuck.” She sniffles. “Okay. Call me if anything changes.” A growl of warning in her voice. “ Anything , Solomon.”

The moment she hangs up, she turns around and buries her face in Nathaniel’s chest. His entire body jolts, stiffens when wetness coats his neck, his shirt. Fuck. She’s crying. Her tears do something violent to his heart. Why does he feel like he’s drowning?

“Hey, what is it? What’s wrong?”

“Tessie went into labor.” Her voice breaks. “They stopped it, but it’s too early.”

“Fuck.” His stomach sinks. “I’m sorry.”

“She told me she wasn’t feeling well yesterday, that she was tired and dehydrated. I didn’t think anything of it…” She trails off, her eyes lined with silver.

“It’s not your fault.” He pulls her closer, crushing her to his chest. Their hearts hammer together. He rubs her back in slow circles. Keeps his voice calm and steady. “They’ll give her terbutaline to stop the contractions. Then bed rest. She’ll be okay.”

Wiping her eyes, Ash pulls back. Drops onto the couch. His heart clenches when she turns away from him. “Please, go see your family. Let me ugly cry in peace.”

“Right now, I don’t give a fuck about a single human in existence but you.”

He won’t let her do this. Push him away.

Her smile’s wobbly. “Then can you bring your shoulder closer so I can cry on it?”

“Absolutely.” He sits beside her, pulls her onto his lap. “Let me guess. Tears of rage because your one and only keeps scaring you to death.”

Her smile is thin. “Something like that.” She curls up against his chest. “I don’t like this,” she whispers.

“What?” he murmurs, stroking her wild hair.

“Life. It’s not nice. It hurts too much.” Her words are anguished. “She’s all I have. My York Peppermint Patty. I’m not scared of death. But I am scared of losing Tessie. She can’t die. She’s mine. She matters.”

“She’ll be okay.” He has to say it. Because the woman he loves is crying, and he feels so goddamn helpless. All he can do is hold her tight and let her rage.

Ash blinks up at him with big green eyes. Tears sparkle in the dark flutter of her lashes. “Sometimes I think death is easier than love. With death, all you have to do is survive it. And in the end, it doesn’t hurt. Love…you have to chase it. Tend to it. Work for it. Give it back. And sometimes it’s so, so hard. To love someone.”

“It is,” he says, desperate to ease her pain. “It’s hard to love. It’s hard to hurt. It’s hard to see you hurt,” he amends. “But I’m here, okay? I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

A wobbly laugh shakes out of her. “Lie?”

“No, Ash. That’s the truth.” He looks into her eyes. Wills her to see how earnest he is. “It is always the truth when I’m with you. I hope you believe that.”

Ash considers him. She wipes a hand over her swollen face and nods. “I do.”

Nathaniel hugs her, cradles her in his arms, rocks her side to side. When her breathing’s evened out, he loosens his hold but keeps her on his lap.

For a few long seconds, silence.

Ash leans into him. Puts a hand above his heart. “The reason I hate Maui,” she says in a small, resigned voice, “is because I was supposed to have my honeymoon here.”

His eyebrows shoot into space as his stomach drops to the floor. He couldn’t be more surprised if he tried.

She inhales a deep breath. “Jakob. He was my fiancé. I was twenty-nine. We both liked to travel. Shitty music. I thought he was the one for me.” A shrug. “At the time, I was trying to do something right in my life, and having a serious boyfriend with a good job…it felt steady.”

She licks her lips. “A month before the wedding, I came home early from work, and he was home.” Her eyes flick to his. “In bed with someone else.”

“Jesus,” he swears. His heart crumples in on itself.

“Yeah. Nothing beats walking in on your fiancé balls deep in another woman.” She gives a long, tired sigh. “We called everything off. I was so fucking pissed. So embarrassed. Heartbroken. You name a gamut, I ran it.”

It pains him to think about Ash seeing that. It pisses him off to think a man dared to do that to her. He wants to find the guy and put his head through a wall.

Ash’s expression softens. “That’s why I interrupted your wedding. It was like a bomb went off inside me. Back then, all I wanted to do was destroy. It’s so stupid. For letting a man make me feel so fucking insane, and for such a long time.” She lets out a bitter laugh. “One thing about me? I’m gonna make everything about my trauma.”

“You could have told me,” he says softly.

A shake of her dark head. “No. It’s gross. I didn’t want your pity or the sad looks. It’s bad enough he’s haunted me this long.”

Ash inhales an angry breath. But the tears are back. Seeing them fucking kills him.

“It’s not even that he cheated. Not anymore. I couldn’t care less. I dodged a fucking bullet. I should have known he was bad news when he spelled his name with a fucking K .” She makes a sour face. “We weren’t right for each other. He never asked about my diabetes. He didn’t know if thirty-five was death spiral or A-okay. Thinking back on it, he didn’t know anything about me.” She bites her lip. “Not the way you do.”

Finally. Someone said it aloud.

“Then what is it?” he asks. “What haunts you?”

“It’s what he said to me. That last day at the apartment, when I was packing up my things. I asked him why. Why he did it. Like maybe it would give me closure. Like there was some fucking answer that would take away the sting. And he told me—” Her voice breaks like she’s reliving the memory. “Oh fuck.” She grinds her fingertips into her eyes.

Nathaniel curls his hand into a fist, reins in his anger.

Ash ducks her face. Big tears slip out of her eyes to slide down her cheeks. “He told me I was too much. Too messy. That everything about me was too messy. My hair. My life.”

“He fucking did not,” Nathaniel growls. Cheating on a partner then gaslighting them to think they’re the one with the problems is a whole different level of disrespect.

Ash’s lower lip trembles. “He did. ”

“That man deserves to be fucking flayed and tortured for saying that.”

“See?” Her laugh is wobbly. “Medieval violence is the answer.”

He draws her tighter against him. Tilts her chin. “He’s an idiot. You know that, right?”

“Sometimes,” she admits. “Sometimes I think he was right.”

Shame, sadness, stains her voice, slumps her shoulders. Dims her light.

“I’ve always felt like I didn’t belong,” Ash says. “Not because I’m not good enough, but because of my weird interests, or my diabetes. Take your pick. What Jakob said cemented it in my head. And I hate it. I hate that I let a man like that, a man who couldn’t even stay faithful, who didn’t even see the real me, make me feel like that.” She gives him a sad little smile. “I know who I am…but sometimes I think people don’t want me because of who I am. That they don’t see me.”

Nathaniel inhales a deep breath. “I see you, Ash. I see someone who comforts others, but not herself. Someone who wants the best for everyone else, but not herself.” He pushes a damp lock of hair behind her ear. Stares into her wide eyes. “Do you know how you make me feel? How you make others feel? Someone has you in their corner, they’re fucking lucky. You are fierce and you are loyal and you are extremely, extremely mean. And I’m glad to be on the receiving end of all your asshole s.”

That pulls a laugh from her.

“Nothing about you is messy,” he says. “I love your wild hair and your mean mouth. They are impossibly perfect. You are perfect.”

Her answering smile is wobbly but true.

He cradles her face in his hands. “And fuck that guy,” he says roughly. “He doesn’t deserve you.”

She meets his gaze, her eyes softening. “I know.”

With a deep breath out, he pulls her closer. “It’s late.” They have a long day tomorrow .

“Nathaniel…” Ash peers up at him through wet lashes. “Will you stay with me?”

The rare, shy vulnerability on her face spears something deep within him.

“Stay. Please.” She catches his shirt, twists it in her hands. “I want you to. And it’s not because I’m sad and lonely and don’t want to be alone.” She cups his face in her warm hands. “It’s because I want you, Nathaniel.” Her wet eyes search his face. “I want you more than I can stand it.”

“I’ll stay,” he says hoarsely.

I’ll stay as long as you’ll have me.

“Thank you,” she breathes.

He dips his head and kisses her, fingers knotting in her hair.

This time, the sex is slow, needy, purposeful. Unbreakable. A link snapping taut in the middle of them. When they’re finished, they lay on the couch in the dark, tangled up together, Ash’s breathing steady and her face content.

I love you , Nathaniel thinks.

He stays awake until the sun rises.