For the Love of the Broken Man (Love & Cowboys #3)

16. Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Sixteen

“I’m so sorry, Jase, but this ain’t gonna work out between us. If the social worker finds out…well, you know from livin’ with Jon and Mickey, and you know from Matt and Tim. It’s best if we don’t see each other anymore.

“I got a call from the woman that she’s gonna come in the morning to speak to Kayley and me, so I had Adam go to the house and pack your stuff so you can stay at the Katydid tonight. If he missed anything, I’ll send it to ya at Mick and Jon’s. I’m sorry, but Kayley’s my responsibility. I gotta look out for her because I’m all she’s got.”

“Sure, Danny. I understand about it. Um, can we… I mean, can I call you? Can we keep emailing? I won’t bother you too much, but I love you, Danny.”

“You don’t know what love is, Jason. Son, you’re eighteen years old, and we’ve only known each other for about three months. Your life is just startin’, and I’ve got responsibilities you’re too young to comprehend.

“You should be in college, getting a fake ID to slip into bars, and hangin’ out with friends. You don’t need to worry about how kindergarten is gonna be for some older guy’s kid. This has been a good time, really it has, but I think we both need to wake up and smell the co…”

Jase sat up in bed, feeling tears on his face, yet again. The whole scene was too much to contemplate, which was why he supposed it came to him in his dreams because, in his waking hours, he refused to think about it. Remember it. Feel the gut-wrenching pain that made him wish to go to sleep and never wake again.

Having his heart crushed in his chest and feeling like a fool had been more than enough to make him retreat. After that fateful night, he’d gone back to Wonderland Farm, slipping in during the wee hours of the morning, unnoticed, before hiding away for a week.

He’d always give Megan credit for knocking on his door every morning and keeping him alive. “ Jase? You wanna come outside? We can swim,” she’d ask.

His sniveling “No thanks, sweetie” would send her little feet scrambling down the stairs. When he heard her yell, “He’s alive,” he smiled. He knew Jon and Mickey were worried about him, so after that first week, he crawled down those stairs and went back to work.

He’d called his mother, telling her he’d come to visit her, and he’d gone at Mickey’s urging. The visit had been intense.

“This is nice,” Jase had told his mother when she pulled into the driveway of her house at Ft. Sill after she’d picked him up from the airport in Lawton.

“It seems smaller than Ft. Bliss, but there are actually gay and lesbian… Um, how’s things been with you?” They got out of the car and walked up to the small brick house on yet another Army base where Jase didn’t want to be.

He thought about telling her how his heart had been torn apart and how he’d been humiliated beyond compare in a few short months. Should he tell her how he’d sat one night with a razor blade in his hands and considered ending the pain? He didn’t believe he was worth anything to anyone—not his father, not her, and especially not Danny Johnson.

Jase finally decided if he did himself in, nobody would even care which pissed him off so much, he tossed the blade in the trash, dried his tears, and vowed to never look back.

“Yeah, well, it’s nice. What do you want, Mom? You know he’s never going to approve of having a queer son, so this is for what?” Jase was trying to get to the bottom of her request for him to visit.

She took a deep breath and looked into his eyes with big tears of her own. “This is for me, Jason. I love your father, but I believe he’s wrong in his homophobia. I’ve been going to meetings with a group on base. It’s called PFLAG. If your father knew, he’d be upset, but I needed to understand, and since they repealed DADT, the Army is more accepting of LGBTQ folks. Unfortunately, older people like Dad have a hard time with it,” she explained.

Jase was taken aback for a minute, but the fact she was doing it behind James’ back told him the real story. When the saber-tooth tiger’s away, the mouse will play. He didn’t want to fuck up his mother’s life, so he simply nodded.

“Okay, Mom. Anyway, I’m here. What’s there to do in Oklahoma?” he asked. She proceeded to show him around the new base and even introduced him to some of the other women on base who had families with soldiers deployed. Some of the kids were pretty great and reminded him too much of a little girl with a crooked ponytail who he was missing very much.

The day he was to return to Wonderland, his mother drove him to the airport and parked in a departure lane with a look of worry on her face. “I have something for you, Jason. I love you so much, and I wish things were different, but we have to play the hand we’re dealt, I suppose. Anyway, after Grandma and Grandpa Cooper died, they left me a little bit of money your father doesn’t know about. I want you to have this.” She handed him a large yellow check. He looked at it to see it was a cashier’s check for fifty thousand dollars with his name typed on it. He was in shock.

“Mom, they had a little piece of shit farm…”

“No! I know it didn’t look like much, but they lived on a little patch of land with more acreage around it than even I knew, and it sold for a tidy sum when Grandma passed. I had the lawyer put it in a trust for me so your father would never know about it, and I contacted the attorney after we moved to have him dissolve the trust and send me the remainder after all expenses were paid. I want you to go to college, Jase. You have the gift of intellect and it shouldn’t go to waste. Use this to fill in for the money your dad refused to help you find, okay? Please?” she begged him.

When he got on the plane to go home, he cried because he felt like he was stealing from his mother, but he’d always wanted to go to college. The money she’d given him would be enough if he was careful and took advantage of work-study programs, grants, and scholarships. It just might work.

His bedroom door opened, so he closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep. “Shit sakes. Get your lazy ass up,” his roommate ordered as she bounced her foot on his bed in the closet he called a bedroom of their three-bedroom apartment.

Brittany leased the place, having lived in the dorms and hating it her freshman year. He’d met her at a coffee shop near the college where he was applying for a job, and she’d been a lifesaver for Jase when he first hit the campus and became dismayed with his freshman roommate, a total homophobe.

Brit’s abrasive personality had been trying over the three years he’d been enrolled at Georgia Tech—Georgia Institute of Technology—but they’d come to appreciate each other over little things.

Jase liked to get up early in the morning to review notes before class, and he made their coffee. Brit wasn’t a morning person at all, and when she trudged into the kitchen without saying a word, he handed her a full cup without the woman even having to open her eyes.

Grocery shopping and cooking was another thing Jase enjoyed doing. Brittany, in return, would leave money on the table with a note of thanks.

Jase was afraid of spiders, and in the old place where they lived, there were a lot of them. Brittany had no such phobia and would delight in killing them with a grand curtsy when she walked out of his bathroom after she flushed them. The two of them were nearly a match made in heaven aside for the fact she was a lesbian, and he was a gay man.

Atlanta, Georgia, had become his home for the last three years after the devastation that rocked his soul when Danny dropped him like a bad habit. As a result, Jase had fast-tracked his education because he had limited funds and a goal to get through school and still have some money left to be able to eat and maybe have first and last months’ rent for an apartment somewhere.

Jase had already accepted a job in Rockville, Maryland, for a cybersecurity firm that contracted with the Securities Exchange Commission in Washington, DC. The company had corporate housing available until he found a place of his own, and the salary was good. He could work from anywhere, but Maryland seemed like as good a place as any to settle since he had no real ties to anyone or any place.

“You’re a cunt,” he told the woman shaking his bed, hearing her loud cackle which always made his blood curdle.

“I let your little playmate out. God, you pick twinks afraid of their own shadows,” Brit complained. It was then Jase remembered picking up a sophomore from a bar near campus and bringing him home. After the blow job the kid had given him, Jase passed out and didn’t even remember the guy’s name. He felt bad for about a minute, but it passed.

“I’m not a dyke. Everybody’s not a raging lunatic like you. I like my men submissive,” he explained as he rose from the bed, not bothering to cover up his semi-hard cock.

“Oh, gross!” Brittany groaned before she turned away.

“This is a no-pussy zone, and you know it, Brit. Did you turn on the coffee pot?” Jase strutted across the small room to the communal bathroom he shared with Brittany and their other roommate, Bryan, “with a Y you see,” as he’d told them.

It had seemed important to the man when he’d pointed it out, so they began referring to him as Y , kind of like Q from the Bond films they watched on movie nights.

“ Y didn’t come home. You don’t think he’s fallen into any mischief, do you? He’s supposed to be here through next term, and he has a lot of shit in his room,” Brit complained, which was a constant in Jase’s mind.

Brittany was in a perpetual state of hatred for everyone around her whether they deserved it or not, as far as Jason was concerned. She’d toughened him up as well, and she’d made him attend yoga classes with her over the time they’d shared the house. He’d become very nimble over the years, and while it should have been a plus on his dating resume, he didn’t date. Thus, no one had experienced his agility.

Jason came out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist in deference to Brit’s tender sensibilities when it came to the male form. “I’d guess he got laid. I wouldn’t send a search party just yet. So, how long will you give me to move out? I mean, I’m sure this closet will go for top dollar while you’re in grad school,” he taunted, hoping to piss her off. He loved nothing more than arguing with his landlady.

She laughed. “God if you had tits and a pussy, we’d be a match made in heaven. You get as long as you need, Sprout. Pack this crap up, and I’ll make sure it gets sent to your new address as soon as you give it to me. I reserve the right to come visit, by the way.” Her declaration led him to believe something he’d always known. Brittany didn’t hate him as she often claimed. It gave him some comfort.

“Thanks, Mom.” Jase shoved her out of the small bedroom so he could dress. It was his graduation day, and he was damn excited to get on with his life.

For so long Jase hadn’t cared about his life, but that was now semi-ancient history. In the words of the great Dalai Lama XIV, “There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow.”

Or was it a Celine Dion song? Jase might have been a little high when he heard the interview with Oprah because one thing he loved about Brit, she had a hookup for some of the most exquisite herb he’d ever had in his life. It was, however, time to put it all behind him and move on to the future.

When he strolled out of his small bedroom in a suit that he’d been able to buy with some of his nest egg, he felt like the king of the world. He had the blue and gold tie loose around his neck because it was hot as fuck in the house, and he still had an hour before he had to show at McCamish Pavilion.

He already knew his mother wasn’t coming because after his father returned from his deployment, he hadn’t heard from her again. For six months, they’d become best friends and had visited each other. She’d loved Atlanta and all things southern, so most of the time she’d come to him while he was in school.

Jase couldn’t hold it against Ginny because it was the life she’d signed up for twenty-two years earlier. He didn’t expect her to change.

He’d sent email invitations to his graduation to Jon and Mick, along with Ally and Ham, his extended family. Savannah and Andy were going to Italy for a summer abroad course between their junior and senior years of college, having left as soon as their classes ended, so he knew they wouldn’t be attending.

As he sat in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee, he did something he rarely allowed himself to do… he thought about Kayley and Dan. He knew Dan’s brother, Zach, had married his college sweetheart, Amy, and they had moved to New York when Zach got a promotion at his job.

At Christmas, they had a baby boy, as Mickey had told him when they had a regular call. Mickey had heard the news from Tim Moran, which surprised Jase. Mickey never mentioned having a discussion with Danny, and it had Jase puzzled.

The adoption of Kayley had been finalized without incident, which made Jase happy and sad at the same time. Danny still worked at the Circle C, he and Kayley still living in the little house in Holloway. Jase’s heart ached as he wondered what they were up to, and much to his shame, he still missed them every fucking day he drew a breath.

Meggie was in the third year of her special school in Richmond, and she was doing quite well. So well, in fact, Mickey and Jon were considering mainstreaming her when she got to middle school level. Having visited the family over the years when he had forced breaks from school, he could see how she’d grown and matured, so Jase was convinced she’d do well in whatever course her life took.

Terry was a junior in high school at seventeen, and he was a football powerhouse. From what Jon told him during their video calls, Terry had been scouted by some of the top colleges on the East Coast. Jase was happy for them all and looked forward to the two weeks he’d planned to spend with them before he moved his ass to Maryland and took the next step into his future.

Jase sipped his coffee and looked around the shabby apartment they’d all shared in Atlanta, smiling at a few choice memories. There had been guys over the three years, but they were only temporary, and he hadn’t fucked them, or them him. There were other ways to get off that suited him fine.

On occasion, he’d take a cock into his mouth, but Jase had become quite selective. Only sandy-blond, shorter men with muscular builds had been his choice, and he didn’t dismiss the reasons why.

He couldn’t help himself. He’d always be in love with Danny Johnson, though they hadn’t been in contact in three years. It was for the better. Jason’s heart couldn’t take another hammering.

Jason sat in an uncomfortable metal chair inside McCamish Pavilion. He looked around at parents who seemed to be happy, and he smiled a little at the sight. He hoped they were supportive of their kids who were graduating from college, and he blocked out things circling his own mind about wishing for happiness for himself. It wasn’t in the cards.

Jase believed himself destined to be as miserable as his father—undoubtedly—so he accepted his fate early on, but decided he wouldn’t be bitter. He’d accept the unhappiness which seemed to be his birthright. It was easiest to be…resigned.

When his row was called, Jase stood and glanced around the large auditorium to see no one he knew which wasn’t a surprise. He was a footnote in the world of the people he’d met one summer, so why he’d hoped his friends in Virginia would come was simply embarrassing.

Jase got into the line and listened to the names called before his, clapping for his classmates. He’d done his degree in three years, and he was proud of himself even if nobody else in his life gave a damn.

“Jason Eric Langston.” Jase slowly strolled across the stage. He heard a loud cheer and turned toward the sound, seeing several signs held in the air that stopped him in his tracks.

“Congratulations, Jay,” his adviser stated as he was pulled around to move him off the stage with a handshake. He shook hands with Dr. Sanders, the dean of his school before he made his way to the stairs.

Jase had no idea who the hell was cheering or who had made signs with his name on them that wished him congratulations in large capital letters, but he wanted to know, so he pointed to the corner of the room and gave them a thumbs-up, hoping they knew he wanted to meet them after the ceremony.

“Come on, mate.” Jason turned to see Thomas Leeds with a handsome smile on his face as he pulled him down the stairs. The Aussie was one he’d have liked to get to know, but it seemed the guy was straight—though Jase wasn’t exactly sure about the speculation from his friend group that consisted of classmates in his field of study. Perhaps it was wishful thinking on his part to hope the man wasn’t? Thomas certainly had a look about him that could lead a gay boy around by the dick.

“Hey, Tom. Congrats. You headed back to Australia?” They’d had a few classes together over the years even though Tom was older than Jase. He was double majoring, so he’d taken an extra couple of years to finish, but Jase had no doubt the guy would be a big success.

The Aussie laughed. “Naw, mate. Headed to Miami as a matter of fact. Seems Father’s gift to me, since he didn’t bother to come witness his youngest make his mark, is a condo on the beach and a nice, tidy sum for a gap year I never took. I’ll get a tan one way or another,” the handsome man joked as he slapped Jase on the back.

His bright red hair and pale complexion said otherwise, but Jase laughed. “Watch out for yourself, man. Things are different down there than they are here in the ATL. Every big city has its own pros and cons.” They shook hands and parted company.

Jase headed back to his seat to watch the remainder of the degrees conferred to his fellow classmates because they’d sat and watched him walk the stage. He was considering what he was going to do for the time until the next day when he planned to pack up the pickup that he’d bought secondhand with money he’d saved from the sum his mother had given him.

Jon and Mickey had begged him to return to Wonderland for two weeks before he moved to Rockville for his new job. He’d eventually accepted their invitation, finally embracing the fact he had nobody else waiting for him to be anywhere.

It was a little heartbreaking if Jase dwelled on his lack of familial obligations, but he was grateful for the found family he had acquired, though truth be told, they weren’t really his. They were Danny’s.

After hugs with a few classmates from a study group and some social acquaintances, Jase made his way to the corner of the pavilion he’d pointed out to the group of anonymous supporters he had in the stands.

He unzipped his gown, reaching into the pocket of the new suit slacks he’d worn to pull out a flask of first-class bourbon. He toasted to himself—because he was all he had to depend upon—and he took a long sip before he put it away and pulled the mortarboard off his head where Brittany had secured it with bobby pins. He was examining how much of his hair had been pulled out when he felt a tug on his slacks. When he looked down to see Megan Wells, he grinned broadly as he picked her up.

“Oh, sweetness, I’ve missed you. Thank you for coming. Who else is here?” He kissed her cheek and looked into her beautiful brown eyes. Her brown ringlets had been tamed into a bun, and she looked as lovely as she’d ever looked to him. He’d missed her intensely.

“I missed you, too, Jase. You’re comin’ home, right?” she asked.

Home. Jon and Mickey’s… well, Ally and Ham’s... horse farm had become his home, though he always thought he’d have a home with Danny and Kayley Johnson. He felt tears in his eyes as he remembered the last time he’d seen them, and he knew he had to get ahold of himself before he completely melted down.

“I am, for a couple of weeks, at least. I have a job waiting for me, you know.” He kissed the adorable girl’s cheek again.

Mickey walked over to him and gave him a big hug. “So, honors in three years? I hate you.” Mick fingered the gold braided cord around Jase’s neck and pretended to choke him with it. Mickey had another year to go for his degree, but Jase respected the man more than he could say for all his accomplishments considering the challenges he’d faced.

Mickey Warren had a lot on his plate, and the late nights Jase had seen from his carriage house apartment window with the man at his computer taking tests and submitting worksheets in his online classes had impressed Jase enough to make him want to do the best he could, if for no one other than Mickey. The cowboy had been a mentor to him for several years, and Jase owed him a mountain of gratitude.

“Hey, I had a lot of luck on my side, along with those grants and scholarships you helped me find. I couldn’t have done this without you,” Jase admitted.

Mickey blushed, which surprised him. He’d missed him since Christmas. “Where’s Jon and Terry?” Jase asked as he looked around to see two family members missing.

“They’re outside,” Meggie answered as she wiggled to get down from Jase’s arms, which was a new thing. She usually loved being held.

Before the three of them had a chance to walk out of the pavilion to find Jon and Terry, Jase felt a pull on the back of his robe. He turned to see the one he wished he’d not let get away.

Devon Shea was a gorgeous guy from Boston. He had bright blond hair, cute freckles that speckled his milky white skin, and eyes as green as Mickey’s. Two dates, which had both been amazing, but Jase still cut him loose and came up with a lot of reasons why he couldn’t go out again. Jase determined himself to be a stupidly, stubborn man.

“I guess this is goodbye,” Devon said as he pulled on Jase’s hand, leading him into a more private area.

“Look, I’m sorry I was such a prick, but I wanted to get school behind me, and with your good looks, you had the potential to derail me, Dev. How about you? Prospects?” Jase asked, using the guy’s nickname.

The guy’s full name was Devon O’Donnell Shea, and he was as Irish as Irish could be, without the brogue. His build reminded Jase of Daniel Johnson, and that made him taboo. He wasn’t going down that road again.

“Law school, actually. Goin’ to Georgetown as a matter of fact. You?” the young Irishman asked.

“I’m going to work for a firm in Rockville. We should exchange numbers. You’re not that far away. I believe the metro goes to Georgetown, or somewhere nearby.” Jase offered a sexy smile as well.

Just then, he felt an arm around his waist and a head on his shoulder. He turned to see Mickey standing next to him with a bright smile. “Baby, who’s this? I’m Mickey, Jase’s someone. You’re a classmate?”

Jase was too dumbfounded to speak, but Dev wasn’t. “You truly are a fucker. Good luck.” He then stormed away, leaving Jase stunned as they stood in the lobby of the pavilion.

Jase wheeled on Mickey and had to fight an instinct to slug him. He’d worked out and built some muscle over the years. He played on an intramural softball team at school with some other geeks who were out to prove a point, plus, he’d taken up boxing along with yoga. At six feet, four inches, Jason Langston felt he was able to take care of himself, but what Mickey had done? That was unconscionable.

“What the fuuudge ? That guy had no gag— What are you trying to do to me? He’ll be about ten miles away when I get a place in Rockville.” Yes, Jase was whining, but he was entitled. Dev was sexy as hell.

Mickey exhaled. “You are far too special for someone like that, Jason. Let’s go.” Jase threw his hands in the air in disbelief, but he followed Mickey outside anyway.

“We need to explain some things to you, Jason. There’s shit you need to know, and I’m not sure if you’ll hate all of us when you find out the truth, but it was never my idea for things to go this way. I was sworn to secrecy by Jonny’s attorney-client privilege, but you need the truth. You’re old enough to make your own decisions.” Mickey was cryptic as hell.

It was par for the course when it came to his friend. The guy talked in circles a lot of the time, but Jase knew Mickey loved him like a brother, so he was prepared to listen to whatever was on his mind.