For the Love of the Broken Man (Love & Cowboys #3)

19. Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Nineteen

Danny sat on the porch of a little cabin he shared with three other guys he hadn’t known prior to the day he’d arrived at rehab. He was in Utah, of all places, but it had been an eye-opening experience for him.

Cirque Lodge in Provo Canyon was an upscale facility. It was nicer than nearly anyplace he’d ever been, except maybe Wonderland when he’d gone to visit Mick and Jon.

Jon had found the place for him through a friend, and Jase had given him the courage to go. It was the first time he’d been on a plane, and he couldn’t even comprehend who was paying for it, but three years in the gutter was long enough to live in the dark.

Danny couldn’t blame his addiction on anyone but himself because he’d been the one to turn his life upside down when he pushed Jase away, thinking there was no way for the two of them to work things out and have a wonderful future together.

Danny didn’t think about the fact Jase could have gone to college in Blacksburg and they could have stayed together. He’d made the decision for Jase, thinking he knew what was best for the two of them. It was a mistake Dan would own, but he was determined not to become one of those platitude-spouting people who were in recovery at the lodge with him.

He’d heard them rehearsing apology speeches to all the people they’d wronged. Undoubtedly, Danny had his own apologies to make to most of the people he loved, but he wasn’t going to make an ass of himself about it. It wasn’t his way, and those who knew and loved him wouldn’t expect anything else.

He heard the screen door of his cabin open and turned to see Curtis Armstrong, his sponsor at the lodge, walk inside. “You packed up?”

Curtis was shorter than Dan, who stood tall at five-ten, but Curtis was nothing but muscle. They’d sparred in the gym a time or two, and Dan learned not to discount his abilities.

“Yeah. I’m ready. Why don’t you ever go home?” Danny asked, curious about why Curtis stayed in Utah. He’d been a source of support in group therapy, and Dan knew Curtis hailed from New Mexico. He hadn’t told them too much about himself, but Dan chalked it up to the fact he was a counselor. It still bugged him, though, so he asked anyway.

“They set us up in groups according to things we have in common, so it’s not a coincidence you’re in my group. I’m gay and I grew up on a ranch in New Mexico. As I told you, my husband died. Actually, I couldn’t call him my husband back then, but we felt we were as married as any straight couple.

My husband was beaten to death. He was a social worker in Albuquerque, and he went on a routine call to check on a family. The father was high on PCP and beat him to death with a hammer because Grayson asked how the son had broken his wrist.”

Danny held the gasp at the news, wondering how Curtis was still alive. If Jase had been killed, Danny would want to be in the ground next to him.

Curtis continued. “I was a cop at the time, so I was first on the scene. When I saw it was Grayson, I walked away from the scene and got into my car. I couldn’t… well, I wouldn’t be allowed to work the case, but I couldn’t handle it. I drove to Mexico and stayed in a tequila-fueled stupor for months. When I sobered up enough to go home, Grayson’s parents wouldn’t tell me where he’d been buried. Seems they didn’t know he was gay.”

The man’s story had to be one of the saddest things Dan had ever heard. How Curtis was able to function was a mystery.

Curtis’ gaze had landed on the floor while he was recounting the events, but then, his eyes snapped to Danny’s, a determined look on his face. “There are so many fucking things I wish I’ve have done differently, Dan, but you have a chance I never had. You have the man you love waiting for you at the common house to take you home.

“He’s ready to offer you love and support to get to the other side of your addiction where you can be solid in your sobriety. Take the hand he’s extending to you and hold it tight, and never, ever, take it for granted. You don’t know how long your life might be,” Curtis suggested after he explained his own personal hell. Dan damn well didn’t want that for himself.

They loaded Danny’s things into the golf cart and sped toward the common house where a lot of cars were in the parking lot at the side of the building. When Curtis stopped, Dan was hesitant to get out of the cart and even grabbed Curtis’ arm before he could step out. “What if I can’t stay sober once I get home? What if I…” He searched for another reason why he was suddenly frozen with fear.

Curtis took his hand and tapped on the top of it. “Focus, Dan. Remember what you have to lose… your daughter and your extended family who we’ve talked to during conference sessions. Get yourself a sponsor at home and find meetings near where you live. There are online groups that meet at different times of the day if you need to talk and can’t find a meeting. Your sponsor will be there for you as well, Dan.

“From what I understand, your boyfriend has been going to ALANON meetings, so I think you’ll have a wonderful support group waiting for you at home. And, in the unlikely event all those things don’t fall together when you need them, here’s my number.” Curtis handed Danny a laminated business card.

Danny chuckled. He should have known the man was prepared. “How about if I just wanna check on ya? Is it okay if I call ya when I’m not havin’ a crisis?”

Curtis laughed and nodded. “Those are my favorite calls to get, Dan. Keep me updated. I had a chance to talk to Jason while you were at your exit seminar, and he’s an impressive guy. He said your daughter is chomping at the bit to get you home, so go on inside and get on with your life. Don’t let alcoholism be your legacy.” The older man hopped out and helped Danny carry his bags inside.

When Dan saw Jase pacing in the family room of the common house, he stopped for just a minute to observe the changes in the young man. He was damn tall, which Danny hadn’t noticed the last time he’d seen him when Jase and Mickey took him to the airport to put him on the plane to Utah.

Jase had bulked up, which made Dan miss the slender young guy who he’d met when the kid came to work at the Circle C. Jason Langston wasn’t the same guy Danny had originally fallen in love with, but then again, he wasn’t the same guy either.

It would take them some time to get reacquainted, and his newfound sobriety would factor into it as well. He wasn’t sure how they’d work it out, but he prayed they’d be together at the end of it. The world was a great unknown to Danny, but the possibilities were truly endless as he studied Jason.

Dan cleared his throat, seeing Jase turn around to grin at him. Jase opened his long arms and hurried across the parquet floor to take Danny into them, even lifting him off the floor for a moment.

He put Dan down and pulled back, tears streaming down his face. “I’m sorry, Danny. I’m so happy to see you. You look amazing,” Jase whispered as he reached up to wipe his cheeks. Danny stopped him and leaned forward, kissing him on both cheeks before wiping away a few tears of his own.

“Thank you for comin’ to take me home. Hell, thank ya for even comin’ back. I love you so damn much, but we need to take things slow. We’ve had video sessions with the doc, so you know him. He said it might be a good thing if we start over and take it slow. It would give us time to—”

Jase cut him off. “To get to know each other again and make certain we both still want the relationship. I know. I talked to my own therapist. I rented a house in Holloway, not far from the Katydid. I work from home, but I go to Rockville once a month to meet with my team, most of who also work from home.”

Danny grinned. Jase had paid attention.

Jase motioned his head toward the door. “So, we have a one o’clock flight. I have a rental car. You have your walking papers.”

Dan laughed as he picked up his things, having already said goodbye to the people he’d walked with through the fire to find temperance. He prayed they’d all stay on their path.

The sun was setting as Jase drove them home from the airport where they’d landed in Roanoke. The running tally in Dan’s head had the whole thing costing a lot more money than he knew he could ever repay.

“How am I gonna pay for that rehab? I have health insurance through the ranch, but that was a high-priced place. I can’t pay ya back for a long time, Jase.” Dan’s anxiety was skyrocketing as he spoke.

Jase took an exit and pulled into a gas station with a convenience store, parking in a spot where eighteen-wheelers were parked. The younger man turned to look at him and grinned. “I didn’t pay for your rehab, Dan. I would have if I had that kind of cash, but I’m not the guilty party on this one. You’ll need to talk to your bosses when we get back to Holloway. You hungry? I need to fill the tank.”

Dan wasn’t surprised Matt and Tim had paid for his rehab, and he knew for a fact that things were going to be awkward when he went back to work, which reminded him. He hopped out of the pickup and walked around where Jase was fueling the truck. “I’m gonna get a bottle of tea. You want somethin’?”

“I like those flavored teas like they served at the lodge. Kayley and I are becoming addicted to flavored teas, but don’t get worried, I make sure she has the flavored green teas with no caffeine.

“We’ve been experimenting at home with trying to make a pitcher of it, but we can’t get the flavor right. We went to Sam’s Club with Miss Katie and bought a couple of cases of assorted teas,” Jase explained as he smiled at Danny, reminding the older man the reason why he’d fallen in love with the Jase in the first place.

“Your favorite?” Dan asked.

“Peach, as a matter of fact.”

Danny chuckled as he turned to walk into the little market, heading to the restroom first. After business was finished, he stopped at the cooler to pick up two bottles of flavored tea. When he got to the cash register, he asked for a pack of cigarettes which was a new, horrible habit, but it gave him something else to focus on besides the craving for alcohol. If caffeine and cigarettes were his new addiction? He’d figure it out. He didn’t know anyone who could live a vice-free life anyway.

Dan walked out onto the porch of the store and opened the pack of Marlboro Reds, pulling one out and holding it between his teeth as he struck the match from the book he’d taken from the counter.

After that first gratifying puff, he exhaled. He knew it was a disgusting habit he hoped Jase would learn to tolerate until he got to the point where he could let it go. It was as unhealthy as alcohol, but it had helped him deal with the times when he needed something. A lot of the guests… as the staff called them at the rehab facility in Utah… picked up the habit. After three months, it had become a crutch for him, but he knew he couldn’t use it for long.

He saw Jase eyeing him with a smirk. He’d finished filling the tank and walked over to the porch where Danny stood, taking the cigarette from him to take a long draw. “Ahh,” he released as he exhaled.

Jase handed it back to Dan with a kiss on the cheek as he went inside to head to the men’s room. It was a surprise for Dan, but it showed him how much they had to relearn about each other.

Once they were back on the road, Danny turned to him. “So, you smoke now?” He knew it sounded hypocritical, but they needed to catch up…and change the subject from Dan’s struggle with the bottle.

Jase chuckled as he opened his tea and took a hearty swig. “That’s about the tamest thing I smoked, but yeah. I mean, I can take it or leave it, but sometimes when I’m nervous or upset, a cigarette calms me a bit. I mostly smoke OPC’s, but I try to limit it because it makes the workouts murder. You hooked on them? You didn’t smoke before, right?”

Dan laughed. “As you might guess, I picked it up in rehab because it seemed like everybody there smoked. Fuck, they had most of the group meetin’s outside since the building is smoke free. I forget what they called it, but it’s like tradin’ one bad habit for another. I won’t smoke in front of Kayley, and I’ll try to taper off…what’s OPC’s? I don’t know that brand.”

Jase chuckled. “Other people’s cigarettes. If I don’t buy them, then I can say I’m not a smoker. Anyway, maybe we can share packs until we’re both ready to quit. So, you have a schedule of meetings in the area yet?”

“I’ll look ‘em up on my computer when I get home. Where’s Kayley?” Dan asked, feeling ashamed he hadn’t asked about her earlier. Dan knew for sure there were a lot of people who were in their corner, so he was sure Kayley had been well cared for while he was gone, but he still wanted to see her as soon as possible.

“School just started, so she rides the bus to Miss Katie’s. They’re taking care of her right now since I flew out to get you. She was staying with me, and we got her room at my place all set up. Surprise! It’s spring green and pink,” Jase explained with a laugh.

Danny couldn’t hold the laugh either. After he calmed down, he reached over the console and took Jase’s hand. “This okay?” The younger man nodded with a grin on his face.

After a few minutes of allowing himself to feel the warmth he’d missed more than anything in his life, Dan cleared his throat. “Do you think she hates me for this?”

Jase turned to look at him, slowing down the truck to take the next exit. He pulled into a commuter parking lot and shifted into park, all without letting go of Danny’s hand, which was reassuring.

“I can guarantee you she doesn’t hate you, Dan. She loves you so much, and she’s worried you won’t want her to live with you when you get back. She feels she’s to blame for not being able to care for you, and I’ve already found a lady I think you should take her to see, but I won’t overstep my bounds.

“I told her that you love her more than anything, but she feels some of the responsibility for all of this because she used to bring you beers when you asked,” Jase explained.

Danny blanched at the answer, knowing it was the truth and feeling the shame settle into his soul. Kayley was an eight-year-old child, and he’d made her a bartender. The guilt was like quicksand.

He glanced at his watch to see it was just after five. “Can we get back on the road? There’s a meeting at Good Shepherd at six, and I need to go.”

Jase nodded and returned to the highway, turning up the radio station they both agreed they liked. It was an oldies station, and it helped fill the silence between them.

Danny wondered if they’d ever get back to the relationship they’d had, but if they didn’t, at least he knew he had a good friend who loved him. If that was all he could hope for, it would be enough. It had to be because he had to get well for his daughter. That was his priority, as it would always be.

When Jase pulled into the parking lot of Good Shepherd Church, Danny started to bolt. Jase grabbed his hand to hold him still so he could tell him something.

“Take the keys because I’m within walking distance from here. Ask Pastor Stu how to find my place. I’ll take you home to your house after you’re done at the meeting,” Jase told him. He hopped out of the truck, shoving his hands into his pockets as he went north on Rolling Hills Lane.

Dan looked at the keys he was holding before he took a deep breath. It was yet another step for him to go to a meeting in his hometown. He’d gone a couple of times before going to rehab, but he hadn’t participated because he was doing what other people insisted he should. The meeting he was about to attend was definitely his coming out party in a whole different way.

Dan walked into the church basement where he knew the meeting was held, and he saw some familiar faces. When Pastor Stu walked up and extended his hand with a big smile, Danny took it in gratitude. The man had tried to help him, back when Danny refused to acknowledge the reality that he was living as an alcoholic, but he was still grateful for the pastor’s attempts.

“Hi, Pastor Stu. I want to apologize to you for how shitty—Uh, I mean…” Dan was stammering, knowing it wasn’t exactly appropriate to curse at a man of the cloth.

Pastor Stu held up his thumb, which had a black thumbnail. “See that? I blew an f-bomb when that hammer collided with my thumb. I was tryin’ to secure a shutter and it got away from me. We all drop a little coarse language from time to time, Daniel. How was Utah?”

“It was… exactly what I needed. I truly appreciate what you, Phil, and Javie tried to do for me, but I guess my skull’s thick enough I needed the tough-love experience. You’re my first amends, and I mean it, Pastor. I appreciate the help you offered, and I’m sorry I didn’t listen when you tried to give me a helping hand in the beginning.”

Pastor Stu shook his hand enthusiastically. “I accept your apology, Dan. I hope if you need anything, you’ll call me. Jason and Kayley have become regulars in my congregation. I hope you’ll find your way to joining them, but no pressure. One thing at a time,” the kind man told him as he walked to the front of the room to start the meeting.

Dan looked around, seeing Phil and Javie sitting in the row across from him. When they saw him, they quickly moved and embraced him. “Oh, God, I’m so glad you’re home,” Phil whispered as the three of them sort of rocked together.

“We’ve missed you, but your daughter has become our adopted niece and Jason? Geez, he’s great,” Javie said, his voice soft.

They all heard a throat clear, so they quickly sat down and turned to the front. “Now that I have everyone’s attention, I’d like to welcome you to…” And so, the meeting began.

After a few people stood to tell their stories, Danny took a deep breath before he stood to approach the podium. He thought about things for a minute because admitting his shortcomings... his addiction... to people he knew wasn’t easy. He assumed admitting things to people he didn’t know wouldn’t be any easier, but they were all there for a reason. Seeing one of the kids who worked for him at the Circle C made it all very real.

“Hi, my name is Danny, and I’m an…I’m an alcoholic.”

“ Hi, Danny.”

He looked out at the crowd and didn’t feel judged. He felt accepted and supported, which was what he needed.

After the meeting, he went to the back of the room to get a cup of coffee. He was craving a cigarette, so he headed for the back door when he felt a peck on his shoulder.

He turned to see Adam Horvath, one of his ranch hands, looking concerned. “I’m goin’ out for a smoke? You wanna talk, come with me.”

The younger man, who was still in college and only worked at the ranch part-time, nodded as he grabbed his own cup of coffee and followed Danny upstairs.

They settled away from the group of smokers who were at the top of the stairs, and after Adam lit a cigarette of his own, he exhaled. “I heard you went to help at a ranch in Utah. One of Matt’s bulls was sold to a ranch out there, and you went to show the new owner how to train it for the rodeo circuit. That true?”

Dan chuckled. “Well, you heard me share, so you think that’s why I was in Utah?”

The younger man took a sip of the coffee, frowning. “Who makes this shit? It’s always burned. Anyway, will this hurt my job at the ranch? I’m goin’ to start vet school in the fall, and I hope to come back to the area to work with Bart. Do you think people will hold this against me?”

Dan was a little surprised. “How do you know Bart Grant?”

When Adam lifted an eyebrow, Danny laughed. “Jesus, how many fuckin’ queers live in this part of the country? Kid, this isn’t a big deal to me, obviously. When did you start drinkin’?” Danny knew the young man was about Jase’s age.

“Alcohol isn’t my vice. I was a drug addict when I was in high school…oxycodone. My parents sent my ass to rehab when I was sixteen and then moved me out here to live with my uncle so I could finish high school. They hoped being away from my old friends would make it easier for me. If only that was the case.

“I graduated high school with good grades and got admitted to UVA for my undergrad. I’m gonna attend Virginia-Maryland College of Veterinary Medicine in Blacksburg. I don’t want to fuck up my future, Dan. Bart and I met at a seminar he held regarding insemination programs, and we hit it off. I fell in love with him, and I don’t want to disappoint him.” Adam stood there and stared at Danny, likely waiting to be told he was fired. Of course, Dan wouldn’t hold the kid to a higher standard than he held himself.

“Adam, you got no worries from me. My lips are sealed, but maybe if you and Grant wanna get together with me and Jase sometime, we could get dinner or somethin’?”

The kid relaxed and nodded as they finished their smokes and coffee. They exchanged numbers before Adam went to his little Honda, waving at Danny before he got inside.

Dan felt a hand on his shoulder, turning to see Phil and Javie with bright smiles. “We’ve missed you! How was Utah?”

“How about we get together later in the week, and I give you the story? I need to see my girl. I had Jase drop me here, so rain check?” he asked.

Both men hugged him and nodded in agreement. Danny was surprised about how much acceptance he’d felt on so many fronts, but he wanted to get home to Kayley and Jase. They had a life to pick up, after all.