Forever Mine

Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

JAY

“What the fuck is that sound? Make it stop.”

Some high-pitched irritating noise infiltrated my brain, adding to the already stabbing headache that was pounding through my temples. I squeezed my eyes shut, like that would do a damn thing. My hand found a pillow and I threw it over my head, blocking it out a little.

“It’s my phone, hang on,” Dakota’s sleepy voice came from beside me. The bed dipped, and then miraculously, the noise fuckin’ stopped.

“Hello?”

“Yeah, sorry. He’s fine. It was a late night. I think his phone is dead and I didn’t hear your messages. Sure, hang on.”

“Jay?”

I grunted but still didn’t open my eyes.

“It’s Beckett. He wants to make sure you’re alive.”

I groaned. Last night was…hazy. I remembered blowing off Dakota and showing up at the bar Beck worked at. I remembered having a few beers, and then thenext thing I knew Dakota was there and dragging my ass out of the bar. Everything in between was a blur. I had no idea how I got here, but Dakota must’ve brought me back to his place. I would recognize the smell of his sheets anywhere.

“Jay, you know he’s not going to hang up until you talk to him.”

“Damn fuckin’ right. Let me hear your voice, man. You scared the fuck outta me last night.” Beck all but yelled through the phone. I winced. His voice was filtered and muffled but it was still fuckin’ loud and hurt .

The guilt was enough to make me open my eyes though. Thankfully the lights were still off, even if the phone was fuckin’ blinding. I squinted at the screen, glad that Beck didn’t video chat.

“Was I that bad?” It wasn’t what I meant to say but it got a laugh out of Beck and an irritated snort from Dakota.

Beck started talking, but my attention turned completely to Kota. His expression was neutral as he looked somewhere beyond my shoulder, but I knew this man inside and out. Something was wrong. My gut churned.

“I’m gonna be sick.” Beck said something but I was already bolting out of the bed and somehow made it to the toilet before losing all the contents in my stomach.

Once I was sure I had nothing left in me, I collapsed, resting my head against the cold bathroom tile. It felt good and emphasized my shame. I wish I could remember last night so at least I knew how badly I fucked up.

There were footsteps heading in my direction. I hadn’t bothered to close the door, since I was more worried about puking on Kota’s floor than privacy, but now I wished I had. I was still tempted to close and lock it, delay the shit storm that would be coming for a few more minutes, since I was a fuckin’ coward.

I didn’t though. Mostly because I didn’t have the strength to stand. But also because I wouldn’t hurt Dakota anymore. Even if he was coming in here to dump my ass and wash his hands of me, I needed to face it head-on. Running from him was only making things worse.

Kota walked into the bathroom. He had acan of ginger ale in one hand and a bottle of pills in his other.

He eyed me with a clinical glance, like I was one of his fuckin’ patients. I forced myself to lift my head off the floor. If I was gonna get kicked to the curb, I wanted to do it with a little bit of dignity.

Kota stayed quiet. He just sighed heavily and sank to the floor next to me.

“Here, drink some of this, and then take these. I’m guessing you have a bad headache right about now.”

I winced again, suddenly remembering the butcher knife repeatedly stabbing my temples.

“Just a little.”

Dakota rolled his eyes. “Just drink, Jay.”

I tried to swallow, but my throat was bone dry. Fuck. I tried to take the drink from Dakota, but he held on to it. So I just propped myself up on weak arms and put the straw to my lips.

After taking the pills and drinking about half the can of soda, I was feeling better. Enough that Dakota stood up and took the can with him.

“Why don’t you take a shower? I’ll make us something to eat.”

He started to leave but I reached out for him, hesitating before my hand made contact with his arm. I heard him suck in a breath, but he stopped, still staring toward the door.

“Kota…”

“Not yet, Jay. Get cleaned up. We’ll eat and then we’ll talk.”

Jay walked out, closing the door behind him.

“Fuck!” I banged my head against the wall, which spoiler alert, didn’t fuckin’ help my headache, “Fuck.”

I didn’t wanna shower. I wanted to chase Dakota and beg him for forgiveness. Promise that I’d stop being such a fuck-up and fix whatever mess I made last night. But somehow, I stopped myself. It would only piss Kota off more if I didn’t listen and get myself cleaned up. Plus, anything I said would probably be a lie. Even if I tried, I’d find a way to mess it all up and drive Dakota away. Everyone but Beck and Riley always gave up on me. The only reason they didn’t was ’cause they were as fucked up as me.

Dakota wasn’t, though. He was everything good in this world. He was successful and driven, and never once spent the night on the streets or traded his body for a loaf of bread. He never knew what it was like to feel so alone, like ending everything seemed like the only option. He was so fucking pure, and I was tainting him with my poison. Maybe I could just let him walk away. It would be best for everyone.

I finally turned on the water. Kota’s shower got hot. Not lukewarm, but hot. It was glorious. But I only turned it up halfway, letting the almost too-cold water cover my body.

I should hurry up, but the shower was doing wonders in waking me up and taking the edge off of the headache. It was easing the hangover enough for me to remember more details of the night before. I was pretty sure my phone was dead somewhere, but if I charged it, I was positive there would be missed calls and ignored texts from Dakota.

If I could’ve stalled for longer, I would’ve, but eventually, I shut the water off and grabbed the towel that was hanging over the bar. It smelled like Dakota. Fuck, so did I since I used his body wash. I brought the towel to my nose and inhaled, trying to commit it to memory. If it was the last time I ever got to smell like him, I was going to savor every moment.

With the towel wrapped around my waist, I made my way back to Kota’s bedroom and to his dresser where he had a drawer for me with all the clothes I’d left there over the last few months.

I had to swallow back emotion once I opened up the drawers. It wasn’t much. A pair of sweats, a couple jeans, my favorite hoodie that Dakota often stole from me, one work coverall, two t-shirts, and a few pairs of underwear, but it meant so much. It was mine. He made space for me. Would he make me clear out that drawer when he kicked me out of his life or would he keep it to remember me by?

I quickly grabbed the sweats, not bothering with anything else, and turned away, my eyes burning. Get it together, Jay. This isn’t like you. Nothing bothers you. Put a smile on your face. Joke and brush off your emotions.

Taking a deep breath, I finally left the bedroom. I immediately smelled eggs and bacon. Normally the smell would make my mouth water, but today all it did was churn my stomach. I was gonna be sick and I didn’t know if it was the hangover or nerves.

I forced myself to walk toward the kitchen. Dakota had his back to me as he worked on the stove. He also hadn’t bothered with a shirt, only wearing low hung black joggers, which were a fuckin’ weakness for me.

I took a moment to admire him. Dakota wasn’t particularly buff or muscled. His stomach was soft, as were his thighs. But his shoulders were broad, and his arms were more defined than the rest of him. People didn’t realize how physical being a nurse could be. Especially a male nurse, since they were always grabbed when they needed to lift or assist with bigger patients. It might not be obvious, but my man could manipulate the fuck outta my body when he was in a mood. I licked my lips, remembering the times he flipped me onto the bed and had his way with me.

Dakota turned, and immediately my mood dropped. He looked so fuckin’ serious. “I know you might not feel up to it, but you should try to eat something.”

I rocked back on my heels, shoving my hands in my pockets, just for something to do with them. I eyed the two plates in his hands like they were poison. I didn’t want to fuckin’ eat.

“I’m not hungry.”

Dakota rolled his eyes and sighed, like he was dealing with a bratty kid. He put the plates down and turned to me, hands on his hips. “Jay…”

I shook my head. “If you’re gonna end things, just fuckin’ do it, Dakota. I don’t wanna eat first.” I already felt like I was gonna puke. I wasn’t gonna add fuel to the fire.

Oh, I pissed Dakota off. That cool demeanor was wiped right off his face, and all I saw was rage as his eyes darkened.

“So, is this how we’re doing this?”

I shrugged but looked down. I couldn’t look him in the eyes when he told me he was done with me.

“I knew it was comin’. You were gonna get tired of me eventually. May as well get it over with now. No point in stringing things along.”

I tried to sound casual, unbothered either way, but my voice hitched, betraying how much this was getting to me. I cleared my throat. Fuck my eyes were burning again. Why’d that keep happening?

“Go fuck yourself, Jaylin Michael Parks!” My head snapped up at my full name. I didn’t even know that he knew my middle name.

“What?”

“Are you really ready to walk away that easily? Do you really think that’s what I want?”

I shrugged again. “You’re pissed.” I didn’t know what else to say to that. I didn’t want Dakota to walk away. I wasn’t sure I’d survive it. Even thinking about it sucked all the air out of my lungs. But this was exactly why I tried to keep some distance between us. I needed to find a way to protect myself, even if I did a poor fuckin’ job of it.

Dakota threw his hands in the air, frustrated. Then he started to pace the room. I didn’t know what to do, so I kept standing there like a fuckin’ jerk.

“No shit, I’m pissed! You ghosted me, Jay! You know how fucking worried I was for you? Things ended weird with us, and then last I heard you were coming here after work, and then nothing? I know this wasn’t the first time you’ve done shit like this, but it still scares the fuck out of me. I thought you crashed and were in a ditch somewhere. Or got mugged and were bleeding out in an alley behind the deli.”

He was worried about me? “No one’s gonna mug me in that neighborhood. They know better than that.”

By the way Dakota’s nostrils flared, that was the wrong thing to say.

“That’s not my fucking point, and you know it, Jay. I hate when you act like you’re not smart, when we all fucking know it’s not true.”

Yeah, I didn’t know about that. Didn’t think that many smart people dropped outta high school at fifteen, but whatever. “Then what is the fuckin’ point here? ’Cause, smart or not, I ain’t gettin’ it. You’re pissed. I fucked up. Again. I get it. This is the part where you say you’re tired of my bullshit. That you can’t deal with how much of a screw-up I am, and that I need to leave and forget you exist. Let’s just get to it, please. My head hurts too much to deal with this back and forth.”

Not that I’d ever be able to forget Kota or let him go. If I survived the next few days, I knew I’d always be here. He was it for me. He was the first person I ever opened up to like that, and it wasn’t happening again. I’d be watching from the shadows for the rest of my life. Protecting him and making sure no one gave him crap. But I’d keep my distance. It was the best option for him.

Something hit the center of my chest with a plop. Confused, I looked down. Right there, right below my pecs there was a piece of fuckin’ toast just stuck to my bare skin.

I stared at it, having no clue what was happening. It didn’t move for what seemed like fuckin’ forever, and neither did I. I just watched as in slow-motion the toast peeled off my chest and fell to the floor, leaving nothing but a smear of butter in its place.

I blinked up at Dakota. He was watching me with the same dazed look I was watching the bread. “Did you just throw toast at me?”

Dakota’s eyes widened, like he just realized what he did, and he covered his mouth. I couldn’t help it. I started to laugh, like a lot.

“What the fuck, Kota,” I choked, wiping the remains of the butter with the back of my hand. It wasn’t coming off, just making my skin greasier.

Dakota just glared, though I could see the corners of his lips tipping up. “You deserved it. If I had to hear one more fucking time about you leaving I was going to lose it.”

That somehow got through to me, and I stopped trying to clean myself. “Huh? You’re not leavin’ me?”

Dakota sighed. He grabbed a piece of paper towel off the table and stepped over the toast on the floor and into my space like he belonged there. For the first time since I woke up this morning, I could breathe.

He didn’t say anything while he wiped off the greasy butter. When he was done, he looked up at me, but he didn’t step away. I wanted to touch him so badly, but I didn’t dare.

“No, you dumbass. I’m not leaving you. And if you think you’re gonna take the easy way out and just walk out on me, think again. I will not give up that easily.”

I was still confused. “Then I really don’t understand what’s happening. You’re mad at me. Which you should be. I screwed up. I shoulda called last night. I didn’t realize you’d be worried for me.”

Dakota scoffed and shoved at my chest, pushing me back a few steps just ’cause he took me by surprise.

“You didn’t realize I’d be worried for you?” His voice was dripping with disbelief. “Fucking hell, Jay. What the hell do you think this is?” He waved his hand between us, meaning our relationship. “You think I’m just here because of how good you dick me down?”

I didn’t respond and looked back down. I mean, I knew it was more than that. Dakota obviously cared. He made it clear over and over again that he wanted me. Didn’t make it any easier to believe, though. Also, Kota was a good fuckin’ person. He cared. He’d be worried for a stranger, not to mention someone who was more than that. I just wasn’t used to that shit. Even Beck expected me to disappear every now and then. It was why we added tracking to each other’s phones, so we could keep an eye on each other without being up each other’s asses when we needed space. Kota didn’t have tracking on me though. He never asked, and I didn’t offer. He’d have no idea if I was hurt or just needed some space.

Dakota didn’t say anything else, waiting for me to respond. I bit my lip, sucking in my lip ring. “I know it’s not just that. But I don’t know what else I could offer you that would make up for all the shit I put you through. I can’t figure out why the fuck you’d want to stay, darlin’.”

Besides Beck, anyone who wanted me around wanted something from me. More times than not, it was my body and my willingness to do just about anything for some cash or food. And as soon as I became more trouble than I was worth, I was ditched. Even my ma kicked me out more times than I could count when I couldn’t keep up her supply of booze or drugs.

Logically, I got that Dakota wasn’t the same, but logic didn’t always play a part in the fucked up chaos of my brain.

Dakota raised his hands, cupping my face and forcing me to look him right in the eye. “I’ve been avoiding saying it because I was afraid it would push you away. But you’re pushing away anyway, so I may as well say the fucking words. I love you, Jaylin. I’ve loved you since you were just the scared, lonely guy sitting with his mom. You may not understand why, but you don’t have to understand it to know it’s true. You are lovable, Jay. You. Not for what you provide me, or the sex, or the jokes you tell. None of that fucking matters to me. I. Love. You.”

I tried to pull away. No. There was no fucking way. I didn’t care how many times Dakota had implied it, he couldn’t love me.

Kota wouldn’t let me go though. He held me right there in place. Tears started to fall down his cheeks, but he didn’t move.

“Jay, I love you. But I’m terrified for you. You’re not doing well, baby. I’m not just talking about last night either. You’ve been struggling for a while now. I didn’t know how to approach it, which is my fault, but I’m trying now.”

I couldn’t even deny it. Suddenly, I felt exhausted and couldn’t stand on my own two feet anymore. I all but collapsed into Kota’s arms.

“I’m scared, Kota. I’m so fucking scared.”

Dakota wrapped his arms around me tightly as I buried my face into the crook of his neck. His nails bit into the bare skin of my back, and that spark of pain was the only thing keeping me in the present.

“What are you scared of, baby? Please talk to me.”

I shook my head. The tears that had been threatening to come finally spilled and I was soaking Kota’s skin.

“Everything. All of it.”

“Please, Jay. I need more than that. I want to help, but I don’t know how to if you don’t talk to me.”

The words were lodged in my throat. If I said it out loud, it would make it real. It would bring life to the fear that had been dragging me down since the first time Kota and I kissed.

“No matter what you say, I’m not going anywhere. I’m here.”

My heart was hammering so hard, it was all I heard. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. But Dakota deserved more than that. He should get everything.

“I’m scared of losing this. I can’t lose you, Kota.” Then I started to sob.