Forever Mine

Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

DAKOTA

My heart shattered into a thousand tiny pieces as I carefully lowered Jay and myself to the ground. I wasn’t sure he even noticed when his knees hit the floor, he just kind of fell into me, his body still wracked with rough, hiccup-inducing sobs.

I was…lost. All I wanted to do was fix this, make this right, but I had no idea how. This wasn’t how I imagined the morning going, and it was making me feel helpless. I expected the fighting. I expected the indifference and for Jay to try to push me away. I even half expected him not to take it seriously at all and brush it off. What I didn’t expect was for him to completely break down like this.

I doubted words would help, so I just held Jay as tightly as I could and let him cry it out. His nails were digging into my skin and would likely leave marks, but I didn’t dare ask him to stop. I moved one of my hands to his hair and held the longer length on top in a tight but not painful grip. He needed to know I was there. That he hadn’t scared me away, despite his best attempts.

My mind raced as the heart-wrenching sobs started to die down to quiet whimpers. I was already planning to suggest that Jay get professional help, but I was even more convinced he needed it. I would do anything for him, and so would Beckett and Riley, but none of us were trained professionals. There was only so much we could do to help.

It was a touchy subject for them for valid reasons. Beckett had been sexually abused by his former therapist for years. None of them were very trusting to begin with, and after being betrayed and hurt like that, it was like talking to a brick wall getting any of the three of them to listen. Riley’s dad and his group of friends had been trying to convince them, but no one was really pushing Jay. That would be my job. I had no idea how to broach it though, and had a feeling now might not be the best time.

I wasn’t sure how long we sat on the floor of my dining/living area before Jay finally spoke.

“Sorry,” he mumbled into my shoulder.

I kissed the top of his head. “Shh, love. You have nothing to apologize for.”

He shook his head but didn’t say anything else.

My ass was starting to fall asleep, and I had to imagine Jay’s knees were killing him. Besides, the way he had himself twisted like a pretzel was probably uncomfortable.

“Let’s go back to bed.” Jay shrugged, which was as good as I was going to get.

It took some doing but he eventually sat up and I was able to slide out from underneath him. As soon as we were both standing, I immediately took his hand again. Distance wouldn’t be good right now.

I ignored the plates of ice-cold breakfast and the toast still on the floor, and led Jay back to my room. Before I put him back in bed, I carefully reached for the band of his sweats. I watched his face for any apprehension. But there was none. There wasn’t much of anything. His bloodshot and puffy hazel eyes stared right through me.

“I don’t want anything in between us right now,” I explained gently, even though Jay didn’t protest. I pushed his pants down, and he lifted his legs one at a time, the movement enough for me to feel confident he understood what was happening. I tossed them to the side and shoved my own joggers off. It seemed neither of us had bothered with underwear.

When we were both naked, I cupped his blotchy, tear-streaked cheeks and waited till I was sure he was looking at me. “I’m right here, love. Just you and me. I love you.”

He made a choking sound in the back of his throat, but I just kissed him, soft and gentle, and with all the feeling I could muster. “I love you.” I said again.

Jay didn’t respond, not that I expected him to. I wasn’t saying that over and over to get him to say ‘I love you’ back. I hoped if I kept repeating it, he’d eventually believe me.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, and I wondered if he even knew what he was apologizing for.

I kissed him again. “It’s okay, baby. It’ll be okay. Let’s go to bed.”

He nodded, and I got us both back into my bed and under the covers.

We wrapped around each other so there wasn’t an inch of space between us. His soft cock rubbed up against my thigh, but that was the last thing either of us were thinking about. We were face to face, our noses touching.

For a while, we didn’t talk. We just lay there, the only sounds in the room are our hearts beating and soft breaths. I never lost eye contact with Jay. I barely blinked. I was afraid if I looked away he would disappear.

“I don’t want to lose you.” His voice was raw, probably from the crying, and he sounded so fucking vulnerable. I held him tighter.

“You’re not. That’s what I keep trying to tell you.”

“I-I know. I’ll try harder to believe it.”

I rubbed our noses together, my heart clenching in my chest. “That’s all I want, Jay. Just for you to try.”

He was quiet again for a while, his eyes drifting closed. I started to believe he fell asleep when they fluttered open again. “There’s so many changes happening. Good changes. I’m terrified to give in to them, ’cause that’s exactly when they’ll be taken away, and when that happens I’ll have nothin’. I wanna let go of all that shit. I want to be able to trust you. To trust the fancy new apartment and that I’ll survive on just the factory salary without the fuckin’ sub shop or the dealing. But if I let it all go, I got nothin’, Dakota. If I lose you, I have nothin’. I don’t know how to survive losing you.”

I’d never been more afraid than I was right then. Even as Jay clung to me so tightly I could feel his chest expanding and his breath was hot on my face. I prayed I was reading too much between the lines, but I didn’t think so. He was saying if he lost me he didn’t have anything else worth living for.

It was an unfair amount of pressure to put on a person. And it was bullshit. He didn’t just have me, and if he wasn’t so emotionally vulnerable, I’d point that out. But I was pretty sure that would only have the opposite effect on him in his current state. He didn’t need other lifelines. He needed me.

Everything I learned in psychology was in the forefront of my mind. If I condoned this, I’d be encouraging an unhealthy codependency. The list went on and on about why that wasn’t good. I just—what else was I supposed to do? Fuck, if I couldn’t get Jay to go to a therapist, maybe I should go? I was at such a fucking loss.

Staring into Jay’s eyes now, so filled with vulnerability and hopelessness, I knew what I was going to do, regardless of whether it was right. I adjusted my legs and rolled us over so that Jay was on his back and I was on top of him, straddling him. I let my entire body weight press against his slim frame. He may have been a lot taller than me, but I was pretty sure we weighed close to the same. Hell, I may have had a few pounds on him because I had a lot of condensed muscle in my stockier build. I made sure Jay felt every single bit of that. I balanced myself on my elbows and brought my forehead to touch his.

Jay’s breath hitched, his eyes wide as he watched me. I swallowed, feeling more determined than ever before making a promise I had no idea if I could keep. “Trust me, Jay. I won’t let you fall.” Then I kissed him.

Jay melted into the mattress, his lips parted willingly as I dominated his mouth. His fingers curled into my hair holding me in place. I poured everything I had into that kiss, willing to make it all better. There was no such thing as a magic kiss, or a magic dick that would make things right for Jay or between us. This pain we were feeling wouldn’t disappear by the taste of his lips. It didn’t stop me from trying, though.

Jay seemed to be in the same mindset, his fingers tightening in my hair, to the point where it was a little painful, but it only made me smile. He was holding on, and not running. I’d take a little pain for that outcome every fucking time.

This wasn’t supposed to be sexual, but I was human, and with my sexy-as-sin boyfriend writhing underneath me completely naked—yeah, I was going to get hard. I tried to ignore it, but Jay didn’t.

He pushed my head back, just enough so my tongue was no longer jammed down his throat. We were both breathing hard and there were tears in my eyes from his grip.

“Please, Kota.” He sounded so desperate and needy, I would’ve fucking done anything he asked for in that moment. I just had no idea what he wanted.

I pressed another kiss to his lips. “What is it, baby? What do you need?”

“You. Dakota, I need you to fill me up.”

Fuck. My hips had a mind of their own and jerked at his words, causing my ever-hardening dick to drag along Jay’s stomach.

Normally, he wouldn’t need to say another word. Jay typically needed more of a fight before he bottomed. Don’t get me wrong, he wanted it, but asking for it wasn’t easy for him. I needed to show him I could handle him before he finally submitted to his desires. If Jay just came right out and asked me to top him, I’d typically have him bent in half and be two fingers deep before he finished his sentence.

Nothing about this was typical though, and there was one thing that was making me hesitate the most. Jay was still soft.

“Jay, are you sure?” I hated asking him that. It was hard enough for him to express what he wanted, questioning it was a quick way to get him to close back up. Still…this time, I had to. “You’re soft, love,” I said in the gentlest voice I could manage.

Luckily, he didn’t push me off. Instead, he knocked our foreheads together before nodding. “Y-yeah. I need to feel you everywhere, darlin’. Nothing will ever be close enough, but I gotta try.”

My mind was still warring with my body that was all fucking in. Jay wasn’t in the best head space, and I would never, ever do anything to violate his consent. He kissed me again, his troubled hazel eyes boring into mine when he pulled away. “Dakota. I need you.”

The knot in my chest unfurled. “Okay,” I told him quietly. “Okay. Of course.”

Jay’s whole body relaxed, and for the first time in too long, he smiled at me. The death grip he had on my hair finally released, as if he convinced himself I wasn’t leaving even if he wasn’t holding me there.

Careful to keep as much of my body weight on him as possible, I leaned over into my nightstand drawer to get the lube. Jay didn’t say a word, just watched me through hooded lids, the rise and fall of his chest the only part of him that was moving.

I grabbed the lube and tossed it next to me on the bed. I’d give Jay what he wanted, but I would take my time. By the time I was done with him, there would be no question in his mind that he belonged to me.

I kissed his lips, then his cheeks. His chin, his jaw. My lips trailed down his neck. He tilted his head ever so slightly, allowing me more access, those little breathy sounds giving me fucking life. I let him feel my teeth as I trailed down, never staying for long, but careful to touch every inch of exposed skin. My tongue traced over the black raven tattoo on his neck.

I shook away the thought as I moved on to Jay’s collarbone. He was so thin they were fairly prominent, and I sucked along the bone. Something about that spot was sensitive for my man, and I smiled softly as his body fully relaxed, and I finally felt his dick move against my leg.

“That’s it, baby. Just let go. Let me take care of you.”

Jay’s fingers flexed at his side, like he was about to move them, but with a deep breath, they relaxed. I licked along the bone again, before moving to the other side.

I adjusted my position so I could comfortably get my hands involved as well. I put more of my weight on my legs so I could run my hands up and down Jay’s sides while my mouth still continued its exploration.

“Fuck, I love your tattoos.” The tip of my tongue traced along the edges of a fading crow, one of his first, he’d told me. Jay’s skin tasted faintly of salt from his sweat, but it only made me more eager to continue to taste him.

“Kota…” Jay whispered, desperation lacing the word. His body arched under mine.

“Shh, love. I got you.” I reached his chest and sucked a pierced nipple into my mouth.

“Fuck…you’re killin’ me .”

I arched an eyebrow but didn’t stop. He wanted to feel me everywhere? Well, I was happy to oblige. I tweaked his other nipple with my fingers, lightly flicking the tiny barbell that pierced through it.

Jay gave up keeping his hands to himself. He squeezed my hips tightly, his fingers pulsing with every flick of my tongue or tug of my fingers.

I switched sides, keeping my leisurely pace. It was working, though. Besides his hands, the rest of Jay was like a bowl of Jell-O, loose and relaxed, and he was finally as hard as I was. I didn’t want to rush, but I thought both of us were ready to move things along, so I reluctantly pulled off his nipple and continued my exploration downward.

I took special care as I reached the treasure trail that led from his navel down to the trimmed hair around his balls. I buried my nose in there, just pausing and breathing him in. Jay’s hands clenched around my hips, the rest of his body poised and waiting.

I met his eyes with a small smile and sucked his balls into my mouth.

“Kota. Jesus Christ.”

I slid down further on the bed and adjusted Jay so his feet rested on my shoulders and his knees were bent, giving me better access. I wrapped my hand around the base of his cock, and licked across the slit. I watched Jay’s eyes flutter when my lips wrapped around his dick and sucked him halfway down.

“Dakota. Kota. Fuck. Sweetheart. Fuck. Fuck.”

I hollowed my cheeks, removed my hand, and took him deeper, sucking in long, slow strokes. It was driving him mad. Blunt fingernails dug into my hip bones, and Jay shook with the effort of staying still. I could tell he wanted to thrust so fucking badly, but somehow resisted.

I pulled off and Jay cried out. “It’s okay, baby. I’m giving you what you asked for.”

I adjusted Jay again so he was folded in half, used my thumbs to pull him apart, and buried my face between his cheeks. Jay had showered this morning, before everything, and still tasted faintly of soap, mixed with sweat, and a uniqueness that was all Jay.

He moaned, his head thrown back, completely lost in the pleasure. My tongue pierced the rim.

“Holy shit. Dakota. You’re gonna kill me. I’m…fuck, sweetheart. Don’t make me come yet. I wanna come on your cock.”

Fuck. I wanted that too. “Just making you nice and loose and ready for me, baby. You can hold off, can’t you?”

“Ungh.” I took that as a yes.

“You taste so good, Jay. I could feast on you every fucking day.”

“Ohhh, oh.” He was beyond words, and it fucking sent me. Nothing made me feel higher than taking Jay apart like this. It was so hard to get him to relax and let someone take over, and seeing him willingly give in to whatever I was doing made me feel like the happiest person on earth. It was easy to forget everything else when I was turning Jay into a puddle on my mattress.

But my own dick was painfully hard, and I couldn’t tease him forever. I reluctantly pulled away, just long enough to grab the lube and pour some on my fingers. Jay didn’t even have a second to mourn the loss of my tongue before I plunged two fingers inside him.

“Jesus fuck.” I grinned as I gently fucked them in and out, scissoring them.

“What’s the matter, Jay?”

He glared at me. I was pretty sure he was about to curse me when I curled my fingers, hitting that spot, and all he could do was scream. I added a third finger.

“Dakota. That’s…enough,” Jay panted, “I’m…I’m good. Wanna feel you. Wanna feel the burn.”

Fucking A. I didn’t ask him if he was sure this time. I could see it on his face. I removed my fingers.

Jay immediately protested the loss, but I didn’t take long. I poured some lube on my dick and stroked the length a few times, coating it. Then I knelt between his legs, lined myself up, and pushed in.

Jay hissed and squeezed his eyes shut. He always did that at first, as if he was trying to block out the barrage of memories. It scared the crap out of me the first time I tried topping. I pulled out and was reluctant to do it again. Jay and I had a long talk after that, one of those rare times where he was vulnerable, and he explained to me how he wanted this and how it was replacing bad memories. Sometimes it just took his brain a second to catch up. I was so in awe with his honesty I agreed to try again. Now, I learned to push past my own hurt to get him to where he needed to be.

“Jay, look at me, love.”

His eyes flew open, and like always, my heart broke at the haunted expression, before it cleared.

“Dakota?”

“Yes, baby. It’s me. I’m filling you up so good. No, don’t look away. Watch me while I claim you, Jay, while I make you mine.”