Forever Starts Tonight (Wilder Family #4)

Chapter 14

Poppy

Welp.

Something new just got added to my to-do list.

Research pregnancy-related hallucinations was on the very top because there was no way on God’s green earth that Jax Cartwright just said what I thought he said.

Over the pounding in my ears, I sucked in a shaky breath. “I … what?”

His jaw flexed, eyes darting to the side before settling back on my face again. His chest expanded on a deep breath. “I think we should get married.”

Nope. That was really real. Those were the actual words that came out of his mouth. Not once.

Twice .

Like hearing it a second time helped anything.

For a long moment, all I could do was stare because the absolute fricken irony of this was just too much.

I stood slowly, notebook clutched in my hand, papers crinkling in the tight grip of my fingers.

Think, Poppy, think.

Even in my wildest dreams when it came to this man, matrimony felt like it was anchored somewhere in a different stratosphere .

The older I got, the more I watched him move through life, the further and further away it got as a possibility. Jax was thirty-five, and never once had he showed a single inclination toward marriage, let alone more than one date with the same woman.

A couple of years ago, I’d made peace with the fact that if his ass ever got married, it would be one of those marriage-of-convenience deals where he needed a bride for some hidden fortune he never knew about. A choked laughter born from sheer hysteria slipped up my throat, and I swallowed it down. Barely.

It felt like the pressure of that laugh was ripping open my insides, but holy shit, if I let it out, tears would come right on its heels.

And then I’d sit here and sob, and he’d look at me like I was losing it, and it would be a whole thing. But honestly, what else was a girl supposed to do?

Think.

Think.

The notebook anchored me, and I pinched my eyes shut, pulling in a slow breath through my nose, then let it back out again.

“Jax, can I ask you a question?”

He didn’t answer right away, and I peeled my eyes open to gauge his facial expression. The nerves weren’t visible anymore, but his brows were in a deep V over his dark eyes.

And the eyes? Oh God, those were ripping my insides open too.

He looked tortured.

Eventually, he nodded.

With cautious steps, I walked closer to him. “When you woke up this morning, did you have a sudden, overwhelming desire for matrimony? Or was this a recent development?”

Jax pushed his tongue against the inside of his cheek while he held my gaze. “Recent,” he said in a rough-edged voice .

My ribs creaked dangerously, the force of all the things I was holding inside pressing against the seams.

I attempted a small smile, my mind whirling at a million miles an hour. “You know, before this,” I said, gesturing to my bump, “I never would’ve called you impulsive, Jax. You hide it well,” I said lightly. “What brought you to this conclusion since the last time I saw you?”

His jaw flexed. “Fucking Wade,” he said in a tight voice. “He … he said I better do right by you, and if he was your dad, he’d haunt me for eternity.”

A loud, shocked laugh burst from my mouth, and when Jax gave me an incredulous look, I slapped a hand over my mouth.

“Sorry,” I said, wiping that shaky hand over my forehead. “God, this day. I wish I’d had a little heads-up when my alarm went off.” He gave me another look. “Right. You too, huh?”

With another deep breath, I stared out at the trees lining either side of the long driveway that led to the house.

Carefully, I spread my fingers open over the back of the notebook, an idea unfolding in my jumbled brain. Every step we took now had to be made with intention. With thoughtfulness.

I’d tried to do that, setting this meeting with my family, but as usual, Jax had a way of bulldozing through even the best of my intentions.

It was always him, wasn’t it?

Even when it shouldn’t be. Even when it hurt me to keep a hold of him at the back of my mind. Just like I’d done when I agreed to my date with Dean, I made sure that the thing binding me to Jax wasn’t hooked deep anymore, wasn’t erasing any ability for logical thought. It had for years, hadn’t it?

I’d never been able to logically explain why my whole body angled toward him when he came into the room. Why my eyes were always drawn to him. Why my soul recognized something in his that couldn’t ever be named.

It was time to set those childish things aside. My hand coasted down my belly again, and I took a deep breath. It wasn’t about me or the feelings that plagued me for so long. And he knew that too. My feelings were probably the reason he offered in the first place—some misguided attempt at chivalry.

Chivalry had its place. But between me and this complicated, mysterious man, marriage did not.

“I think we should make a pros and cons list,” I said decisively, my shoulder barely brushing his as I came to a stop next to where he stood against the railing. His entire frame was taut with tension, a low level vibration seeping from his skin to mine, and I could only imagine how hard this was for him.

Jax glanced up at the sky wordlessly.

My fingers tapped a frantic rhythm against the front of my bump, and for the briefest of seconds, his eyes locked onto the small, nervous gesture, then moved away again.

“Pros,” I said in a steady voice. “I think we’d get along well. I mean, we don’t hate each other.” His chin dropped to his chest, the biceps in his arms popping with the force of how tightly he held himself. “But I’m not sure that’s a reason for marriage,” I added lightly. “I’d very much like to enter into that particular legal arrangement with the belief that it will last forever, and will be for love.” Somewhere in my chest, my heart thumped unevenly—a bruising sort of pain buried deep in that irregularity. It was another moment before I spoke again. “And I don’t think you’re in love with me, Jax.”

Under his breath, Jax muttered a curse word so softly that I couldn’t hear it. He pushed off the railing, and in a few long-legged strides, he gave us both some space while he braced his hands on his hips and stared out at the trees too .

My chin rose an inch, eyes locked on his harshly beautiful profile.

“Cons,” I continued, steeling myself for the reaction. “I have a boyfriend, and I’m not sure he’d understand me getting engaged to someone else on such short notice.”

Jax’s head snapped up in my direction, his eyes blazing so fiercely that the force of it sucked the air straight from my lungs.

“You what?” he rasped.

It sounded like his voice was wrenched from deep in his chest, some painful, battered place, and a corresponding spot in my own body felt it like a blow.

“His name is Dean,” I told him. “We met just before you left on your trip. He’s … the vet in town and responded remarkably well when I had to inform him his girlfriend was pregnant by another man about a month after we started dating.”

Jax dropped his chin down to his chest again, leaning forward to grip the porch railing. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the way the skin on his knuckles went white from the force of it.

His rib cage expanded on deep, uneven breaths, and the veins on his muscled forearms were just another glimpse into how tightly he was holding himself together.

“I’m sure you’ll meet him eventually,” I said steadily.

His eyes stayed locked on the ground. “Can’t wait.”

The dangerous edge to his voice had me standing straighter. “Jax, even if I hadn’t met Dean, us getting married because I’m pregnant is a terrible idea.”

The line of his throat moved on a swallow, and he pushed back from the railing, crossing his arms again as he faced me.

“When I get married, it’s going to be for love—because he can’t imagine not marrying me because being apart sounds like punishment.” The thick press of emotion clogged my throat. “Not out of obligation.” His brow furrowed, and his mouth pinched into a straight line. The look in his eyes almost made it impossible to speak, but I was not going to let this day pass without letting this be said. “I know you’re trying to do the right thing, but this? This is not what I need from you.”

In an instant, his face went blank. Like a wall slammed shut behind his eyes, blocking his thoughts from view entirely. He blinked a few times, clearly gathering himself from whatever that disconnection did inside him.

“I know you don’t,” he answered. The rough, low tone of his voice threatened to pull me under the surface, and I mentally planted my feet and refused to let it. “I shouldn’t have…”

He gritted his teeth and had the distinct look of a man who’d punch a wall if given the opportunity.

“It’s okay,” I told him with a tiny smile. “It’s not a bad story to say that I finally got you to propose to me. Took you long enough.”

Jax stared at me, a plaintive light in his eye that had my heart skipping a beat.

I blew out a slow breath, dragging my gaze away from his sternly handsome face.

“What do you need, Poppy?” he asked carefully.

I really, really needed him to shave that beard, but I decided to keep the request to myself.

It was impossible to answer right away, hearing those words from his mouth almost more than I could handle after a really hard day.

What did I need?

Not what I wanted . Not what would magically make my life easier.

Giving the question the full weight of the past four months, I answered just as carefully as he’d asked.

“I need us to be friends,” I said softly. Risking a glance at him, I could see exactly how stunned he was. “I know that’s a lot to ask, but … I think it’s the best option. ”

Jax ran a hand over his jaw. “Friends,” he repeated.

Vulnerable words crept up my throat unbidden, and I decided to risk not swallowing them down. “It’s all I can handle with you right now.”

The bend in his brow at my answer looked a lot like pain, but Jax gave me a short nod.

I pressed a hand to my cheek, the skin underneath my palm was tellingly warm. I took a few long, deep breaths before speaking again.

“So,” I said after my heart calmed down a little bit, “you’re heading to my brother’s house?”

Jax nodded. “Can’t say I’m looking forward to getting my teeth knocked in.”

I laughed. “He won’t punch you.”

He raised a disbelieving brow.

“He won’t,” I said firmly. “Cameron knows you. He’ll be fair. And if he’s not, just remind him that it’s horribly sexist to assume that I wasn’t the sexual instigator.”

“Fucking hell, Poppy,” he muttered under his breath. “Yeah, I’ll get right on that.”

I managed to hide my smile by turning to the side.

Jax slid the sunglasses back on his face, and the moment his eyes were covered, I felt like I could breathe just a little bit easier.

With the promise of talking soon, Jax swung his leg over the bike and the rumbling engine made my chest bone rattle when he turned it on. I could feel his eyes on me as he backed away, then I let out a slow breath when he turned and headed down the path toward Cameron’s house.

I sank back into the chair and stared out at the trees.

“Well,” I said to absolutely no one, “didn’t see that one coming.”