Forever Starts Tonight (Wilder Family #4)

Chapter 15

Jax

This isn’t what I need from you right now.

If there were ever a phrase to knock my ass back into reality, it was that one.

What was I thinking?

That was the point, though, right? I wasn’t thinking.

She was just there, looking up at me with those dark eyes, and I lost my fucking mind.

Do something.

Do anything .

Turned out anything could absolutely be the wrong thing. The moment the words came out of my mouth, I knew, I knew they were the wrong ones.

All over again, I felt like a little kid clutching a beat-up bouquet of daisies, the crumpled plastic practically disintegrating underneath my grip.

Intentions didn’t matter for shit, not when I laid something at her feet that looked a lot like pity. Like obligation. Like a sacrifice I’d make in order to do the right thing.

My hands tightened as I took the curve to Cameron’s place. A screaming part of me wanted to make a sharp U-turn and tear in the opposite direction, feel the wind on my face and the roar of the engine while the road disappeared underneath me.

Leave.

Go.

Don’t make anything worse.

If there was a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, the latter looked and sounded a lot like Poppy. The devil, however, was a voice I was used to hearing whispered into my ear.

Today, for now, I ignored that little son of a bitch.

The roofline came into view, and I slowed my bike as much as I could, my pulse racing while I tried to cram everything I was feeling into a dark, locked place in the back of my mind.

A boyfriend.

She had a fucking boyfriend.

My teeth clenched, thinking of the stupid letter in my stupid duffel bag, and my stomach churned with the unfamiliar feeling of regret. Of longing.

The undeniably bad timing of my feelings for Poppy was almost comical, if it didn’t all feel so fucking tragic right now.

Cameron’s house—a large A-frame cabin with floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the wooded lot—sat about half a mile away from his mom’s place. I’d spent so much time there over the years, watching football or basketball. Having beers on the deck. Since his girlfriend, Ivy, moved in, it was less frequent, but even with the unrest churning inside me, it still felt like home as I pulled my bike in behind where his was parked.

Like a stone-faced executioner, Cameron was sitting on the deck, legs spread and his hands folded over his stomach as he watched me approach. Next to him on the patio chair was Ivy, her legs tucked up against Cameron’s lap. Her expression wasn’t so much guarded as it was terrifyingly thoughtful.

As much as I liked Ivy, she was undeniably intimidating, and I’d never felt it quite as much as when Cameron spoke low in her ear, and her eyes turned to mine as I got off my bike and walked up the steps.

She stood, giving Cameron a soft peck on the mouth before turning to me. “You know, before I hooked up with this guy, before I was all disgustingly happy in love or whatever, I might have glared you off the front porch. Threatened your manhood, something fun like that.” Ivy paused, a regal arch to her brow. “Or I’d have reminded you that Poppy is one of the very few people I’d risk prison for, even though orange isn’t my color and I’d make a terrible prisoner.”

I blew out a slow breath. “But you’re not going to do any of those things anymore?”

Ivy merely smiled. “No. I actually think this is a fairly interesting turn of events, even if I think the entire male species is punching way above their weight class when it comes to her.”

“On that, we agree,” I said evenly. “You feel that way about her boyfriend too?”

Giving me just a slight arch to her eyebrow, she turned and disappeared into the house without a response.

Cameron watched me silently as I took a seat in the chair opposite of his. After a few minutes, my skin crawled with the need to say something. Anything. But he merely kept his hands folded. His face even. His eyes on me.

“I think it would be easier if you just punched me,” I said.

“I don’t want to punch you, Jax. I’m not letting you off that easily.” He leaned forward, his gaze hard and unyielding. “I never judged the way you were with women. Never cared because you weren’t hurting anyone, and you were always clear with them about where you stood. And I never worried about Poppy’s crush on you because she was the one woman in the world I trusted you not to touch. The one you promised me you’d never touch. ”

I rolled my lips over my teeth and let his disappointment hit me like a tidal wave.

“I don’t know what happened with you two that night, and I really don’t want to hear details. But I’m telling you this right now, Jax, if you cannot handle the responsibility of being a father or giving my sister whatever it is she needs to feel supported by you, then leave.”

The breath left my lungs in a hard whoosh, like he’d socked me straight in the gut. My head reared back as I registered what he was saying. “What?”

“Leave before you make anything worse for her. Before she thinks you’ll swoop in and turn this into some fairy-tale ending because you know that’s what she’s always wanted more than anything.”

Anger had my skin going hot. “I’m not fucking leaving, Cameron. That’s my child too. Maybe you’re not giving your sister enough credit, because trust me, that is the last thing she’s expecting me to do. I have no intention of making her do this alone, so fuck you for suggesting it.”

His brows crawled high on his forehead. “Fuck me? Fuck me ?” he yelled. Slowly, he stood, fists clenched. “You slept with my little sister who’s been in love with you forever, got her pregnant, left for months while we watched her deal with the fallout, and you think you get to curse me out for trying to protect her now?”

It was my turn to stand, my heart thudding uncomfortably in my chest. “I didn’t know she was pregnant when I left, Cameron. I wasn’t thinking about anything like that when I decided to go.”

He gave a sharp, uncomfortable laugh that I felt in my gut. “You never do, do you? The whim hits you, and you’re off on the next adventure.”

“It wasn’t a whim,” I said as evenly as possible. “I’ve wanted to do that trip for years, and I needed time to get my head on straight, and I couldn’t just stay here after?— ”

Understanding dawned on his face, and it was like someone gripped their hand around my fucking throat, slicing off the path for any more words to escape.

“That’s why you left,” he said, brows bent over his eyes. Cameron’s chin dropped into his chest, his hands spearing into his hair as he gripped the sides of his head in disbelief. “Holy shit , that’s why you left for so long. Because of Poppy .” He took a step closer, eyes blazing and frame tense. “I asked you if something happened, and you lied to me, didn’t you? You left the country for over three months to get your head on straight after you fucked my little sister,” he yelled. “Am I getting that right?”

Holding his eye contact was the hardest thing I’d ever done in my entire life because his anger cut me to the fucking bone.

My voice came out like someone had wrung my entire body dry—resigned and empty. “Yes, that’s why.”

He exhaled a harsh puff of air, shaking his head as he stared at me like he didn’t recognize me. “Does she know that?”

“No.”

There was a haunted quality to my friend’s face that I’d never seen before, not even after his dad died, and that cut just as deeply as anything else. “I don’t know what else to say right now, man.” He held his arms out and let them drop by his side. “You’ve spent your entire adult life avoiding anything that could make you beholden to a woman, to anyone other than yourself, so I’m not exactly filled with confidence that you’ll do right by my sister.”

Over and over, it seemed I’d be forced to come face-to-face with the fallout of my choices. The good and the bad, no matter how much sense they made to me at the time. Being alone was the only thing I’d ever wanted out of life. Being able to make decisions that were only rooted in my own wants and needs, desperate to break the cycle I’d watched play out in front of me over and over and over, desperate to prove that I didn’t need anyone. That I wouldn’t ever need anyone.

It all felt painfully hollow now.

“I’m trying,” I ground out. “I have had less than a day to wrap my mind around this, all right? Cut me some slack.”

He let out a harsh laugh, a sound I’d never heard from him before. “Believe me, cutting you some slack is all I’ve been doing today. If I wasn’t, I’d probably have broken your jaw by now.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose, dropping back down into the chair while I took a few deep breaths. “I’m trying to do right by her,” I said again. “And I’m not saying I’m doing a good job of that yet, but God, I don’t blame you for being pissed, okay? I spent months beating myself up for what happened. I knew it was stupid to let her in the house when we’d both been drinking.”

Cameron let out a harsh exhale and sat back down too. “I can’t hear this, Jax. I can’t .”

“Sorry.” I tipped my chin up and tried to breathe.

He shook his head. “She showed up at your place,” he said quietly, running a hand down his weary-looking face. “I swear, it’s hard to think about Poppy as a grown woman sometimes. She’s Poppy . She’s the kid who always wanted me to put Band-Aids on her skinned-up knees if Mom wasn’t around because Dad didn’t do it right.” He sank his head into his hands for a moment. When he lifted it again, he looked about ten years older. “I don’t know how that same little girl is even old enough to be the one we’re talking about. We’ve all been protective of her for so long, and with Dad gone, I think we all just … held on to that a little bit tighter than we should have.”

It made sense. But that didn’t mean it didn’t fucking sting to be the one aimed in their crosshairs.

I gave him a beseeching look. “Do you really think I’d have left if I’d known?”

It took him a long minute to answer as he studied my face, jaw tight and eyes conflicted. “No,” he said eventually. “I don’t.”

My shoulders deflated, the pressure on my chest easing slightly. “Good.”

Cameron eyed me carefully before speaking again. “She was finally moving on from you,” he said softly.

“Yeah, I heard about what’s-his-name.” It sounded so much more bitter than I’d expected, but I felt slightly bitter about his entire existence.

“Dean,” he corrected firmly. “His name is Dean, and he’s a great guy.”

Of course he was.

He saved puppies, for fuck’s sake.

“Yeah, I bet everyone loves him.”

Cameron’s mouth softened in a hint of a smile. “Ivy doesn’t.”

“Well, Ivy is incredibly smart, so…”

His smile grew. “He beat her in chess. She’s been a little salty about him ever since.”

Oh goodie. He was a chess prodigy too. This kept getting better and better.

Cameron sighed. “So what are you doing to be there for her?”

I scratched the side of my jaw. “She wants me at her next appointment. We’re going to try being … friends,” I said slowly, tasting the word as it came out. It was strange. I fucking hated it. I hadn’t earned the right to hate it, but I’d never claimed to be the most rational guy in the world.

“That was your idea?” he asked, brows climbing high on his forehead.

My mouth flattened into a line. “No, it was your sister’s. I, uh, sort of asked her to marry me.”

Cameron’s jaw went slack.

The slider door flew open. “You what?” Ivy yelled. “You did what ? ”

Cameron’s eyes fell shut. “I should’ve known you’d be listening.”

“Of course I was listening. You’re terrible at telling me stories after the fact. You never give details or facial expressions or proper inflection.” Ivy crossed her arms, pinning me with another fierce glare. “You proposed to her? Are you trying to break her heart?”

“No,” I yelled, then instantly deflated. “I thought … fuck, I don’t know what I thought, okay?”

She scoffed.

Cameron rolled his eyes. “You’re an idiot, Jax.”

“Yeah, well, I get that now, okay?” I folded my arms over my chest. “Believe me, your sister had no qualms about telling me how opposed to that idea she was.”

Ivy smirked. “Good.” Cameron gave his girlfriend a quick, loaded look, and Ivy held up her hands. “Okay, okay. I’m going back inside now.”

“Door shut all the way this time, Ivy,” he warned.

She let out a disgruntled sigh. “Fine. But you better have all the details.”

When the slider closed firmly, Cameron shook his head, a hint of a smile on his lips. “She drives me insane sometimes.”

It was so strange to watch him with her, watch the perfect balance of their opposite personalities. For years, Cameron had been just as single as me. The difference between us was that Cameron didn’t have the time or energy to sleep around in his single state. Until one day, he met Ivy, and he just … knew. After that, he had no compunction turning his world upside down. Isn’t that what Poppy wanted? Someone who would set their world on fire for her love.

I rubbed at my chest, wondering if I was even capable of the kind of thing she dreamed of. Everything inside me felt cold. Empty. Only slight flickers of heat with the right person.

More than flickers of heat with her. The times I noticed her and didn’t want to. That night. In the weeks and months after, too. I kept waiting for them to dissipate, for those flames to fizzle out. But they didn’t. Not once. Not even a little.

I had to ignore those too. More importantly, I had to not fuck this up.

“I’m sorry, Cameron,” I told him. I hung my head, bracing it in my hands. “I should’ve kept my distance, and I didn’t. And if you can’t trust me after this, I don’t blame you.” I lifted my head and met his gaze. “But I won’t let her down. If I’ve ever promised you anything, I’ll promise you that.”

“I love you like a brother, Jax, and I’ll get over it eventually,” he said, then he sighed. “But right now, I hate that it’s you.”

The naked honesty in his voice cut just about as badly as you’d think, scoring down the edge of my ribs as it flayed me wide open.

But I gave him a steady look instead of flinching away. “I know you do.”

“Fuck,” he muttered, swiping a hand over his face. Cameron leaned his head back on the chair and stared up at the sky. “Dammit.”

There was no point in apologizing again, so I didn’t. This time, the silence didn’t stretch out in a painful, thick way. It was the kind of silence that comes with acceptance.

Eventually, he dropped his head back down and leveled me with a tired look. “Want a beer?” he asked. “I think I need one.”

I exhaled a quiet laugh. “Normally, I’d say yes, but jet lag is killing me. I should get home to eat something and go to bed.”

He gave an understanding nod, standing from his chair as I stood from mine. “You still might want to wear a cup the next time you’re around Greer.”

I managed a grim smile. “Believe me, I will.”