Guarded Rebellion (The Baranov Legacy)

24. Eva

24

EVA

T his time, I didn’t try to hide after having sex with Lev. The time I gave him my virginity was awkward because I’d been so shocked that I’d actually done it. That we’d met in the middle like that and exploded together in a rush of heat and desire.

He didn’t seem ready to let me go after we came together, though, and as I lay on him, getting sleepier and sleepier under the weight of his hand on my ass as he talked to Rurik and my uncle, I had to catch myself from sighing with deep contentedness.

His body was so warm underneath mine, every inch of his bare skin flush against mine. And his voice was so deep and low, lulling and comforting, which amazed me. He was quite the juxtaposition, so firm and commanding but also able to take it down a notch and be calm and steady.

As I lay there, so secure and feeling so sated, I dared to wonder.

What if we tried to make this work?

It was foolish to get my hopes up, but a tiny seed of hope took root in the back of my mind.

What if… I didn’t have to be arranged to someone else?

What if… he really means it when he says he knows what I need and can give it to me?

By the time I got up to shower, I realized that I wanted that little illicit fantasy to blossom into a reality.

I slipped out of his embrace when he was called again, and before I would be glued to him, I winced and slowly got up.

It seemed he had the same idea in mind. While I cleaned up, he’d showered too. I felt braver to face him, not hide or sulk. Today had been a true roller coaster of emotions, but I lacked the energy or willpower to go through another silent treatment or cold shoulder with him.

I came out to the living room, spotting him in the kitchen. My phone rang, though, holding me back from speaking to him about what it might mean that we’d had sex twice now. Unprotected sex.

“It’s Kelly,” I said, glancing at him. “Isn’t Rurik with her?”

He nodded, frowning. “That’s what he said.”

I answered on speaker, though, already aware that Lev would want to know any clues or facts that she could share about what happened to her earlier.

“Hey, Kel.”

“Eva? Can you come sit with me?”

I furrowed my brow. “Isn’t Rurik there?” It wasn’t like she knew him. She’d seen him and understood he worked for my family. I wanted to support her, but I wouldn’t push Lev to make the trip there again. Besides, we needed to talk—not just fight, then have sex.

“He is. But I want you to sit with me. I’m…” She sighed, or maybe it was an inhale to stave off tears. That was how it sounded. “I’m scared that I could’ve been raped.”

I lowered my head, hating that she’d fear such a thing. Lev didn’t hesitate to come over and stand next to me. His hand moved slowly in steady rubs up and down my back.

“It’s not a good time of the month in case that were to happen. And I–I can’t handle a pregnancy now, let alone…” Now she cried. My heart cracked at her sniffles. “I want to have a rape kit done, but I’m nervous and scared and you’re the only person I can think of to call and ask for company. Rurik hasn’t left the hall, but I don’t want to ask him and?—”

“I’ll be there,” I replied. Confirming this with Lev was probably what he expected, but fuck that. He could not be that hot and cold where I was concerned. He couldn’t be so tender and skilled at making me feel amazing and also be a hard-ass cruel enough to stop me from being there for my friend. He couldn’t be that twisted and contradictory.

I disconnected and looked up at my bodyguard. Or could I get away with calling him a lover now, too?

My only lover.

“Just give me a minute,” he said.

“You’re not going to challenge me?”

He didn’t reply, leaving me to go back to the kitchen and grab his phone.

“You’re not going to tell me that I can’t decide to go there and be with her?”

His face remained blank as he faced me, deadpan even.

“What gives?”

“Nothing gives ,” he said simply, gesturing for me to precede him out the apartment door. It was late, and no one was out in the hallway. Even the parking garage was emptier than usual.

In the car, I let it go. It made no sense to push him for an explanation of why he wasn’t fighting me about going to be with Kelly. He wasn’t insisting that I stay locked up with him. More than anything, I was grateful he wasn’t trying that bullshit line about my not being friends with her because he didn’t trust her…

Yet, I couldn’t quit while I was ahead. “I thought you said you didn’t trust Kelly because of her background. That I shouldn’t befriend her.”

At a red light, he turned to face me, stoic as ever. “But I trust you, Eva.” He swallowed and didn’t break this serious gaze on me. “I think I can trust you, and if you feel that she won’t be a threat to you, I won’t deny that.”

Wow.

I blinked, stunned silly by his profound admission.

He trusted me. That wasn’t as deep as caring for me or loving me or anything else, but trust?

That mattered in my corner of the world.

We didn’t speak on the way there, but for the first time, this quiet was comfortable, not tense. I imagined he had to be thinking about a lot. I was. Mostly, I envisioned what kind of a state Kelly would be in, and I worried that I might not be warm and nurturing enough to comfort her.

Lev walked into the health clinic with me, but when we spotted Rurik in the hallway, the men approached each other. “She’s in the room there,” Rurik told me with a point of his finger.

I nodded, letting them talk while I knocked then entered the room. “Hey,” I greeted.

“Oh, thank God you’re here.” Her shoulders sagged as she closed her eyes. Relief was evident, and it made me feel better, like I could be of assistance to her.

“Did they…?”

She nodded. “It, uh, wasn’t as weird as I worried it would be. Just like a pap. You know? Or not. I think the adrenaline is making me jittery, and they gave me something to help with the nausea and pain on the back of my head, and that’s making me hyper loopy.” She yawned. “And tired.”

“I’m so sorry this happened.” I sat, offering my hand to hold hers.

She grasped it and sighed that deep, relaxed exhale again. “I can’t claim to think straight right now, but when they… checked me, I felt like I was worrying for nothing. Like a phantom feeling that wasn’t there? If someone forced me into something, my body would remember the touch, right?”

I shrugged, not wanting to give her false platitudes. “I don’t know.”

“I hate that it’s all so foggy. I remember walking home from class. But then I stopped at the café for a coffee because my coupon for a free one expires tomorrow. And on the walk home, I felt terrible, like I was going to faint or puke or shit myself. Or all three at once. I don’t know. I vaguely remember going to shower, thinking it would make me feel better, but then I woke up on the floor. They think I passed out and hit my head. Which would explain the lump there.”

Her rapid-fire style of rambling confirmed her hyper state of mind from the medications.

“But I could’ve sworn I heard voices when I started the shower. And some guys were talking to me at the café. I think?” She scrunched her face, deep in thought at trying to remember.

“We’ll figure it out.”

She sniffled and nodded, smiling at me with so much gratitude shining in her eyes that I wondered how high these meds were making her. They’d probably given her a sedative or something to help with the nerves, but wow, was she all over the place.

“Thank you for coming to sit with me. It makes this wait for answers more bearable.”

“No worries. I’m glad to help you however I can.”

“Without you…” She lifted one shoulder and let it fall again. Another yawn cracked her mouth wide open. “You’re the only one who is here to help me.”

What a sobering comment. I stared at her getting drowsier with every breath. It was as though my presence could soothe her to lower her guard and rest.

The contrast between us couldn’t have been clearer. Kelly’s words proved just how different of a life she'd led compared to the messy one I often wanted to escape.

She had no family in her life. Lev mentioned drug addicts for parents, but since she’d gone through the foster system, she had no such family now. She lacked a single person to defend her, to look out for her interests.

Whereas I had the might and wealth of the Baranov Family behind me. My father was a waste of space. My mother ran off with my sister. But I had Uncle Oleg and the decent soldiers he employed. Like Rurik and Marcus.

Like Lev.

As I stroked my fingertips over Kelly’s knuckles and watched her sleep, I accepted this realization as proof. This was evidence that Lev wasn’t as bad as I claimed him to be when I called him an overlord asshole. He could be commanding and controlling, but those traits were fashioned out of a place of loyalty. He cared. He had to give a damn about me to be this diligent to do his job as my bodyguard and to make me feel so good.

He cares. About me .

I had been forced into close proximity with him because it was his job to keep me safe, but over the course of the last couple of months, we’d forged a messy, uncoordinated union.

It can’t just be sex, right?

He was my first. I had zero experience with how sex could change things, but I didn’t want to assume I was na?ve to think that we could grow closer together afterward. I felt the changes between us. The fact that he didn’t argue with me about coming here to sit with Kelly was a clear sign of his loosening up with me.

If it’s not just sex, then what could it be?

We were on the same page with one critical rule. I would be arranged in a marriage to someone of my uncle’s choosing. It was careless to assume I could sleep around or have a lover, a boyfriend, even a bodyguard-with-benefits before my engagement.

Yet, we’d mutually dismissed that expectation. We’d ignored it together.

What am I saying, that we could have a real relationship? That we could be together and stay together?

“I can’t see him being with me then letting me go to a fiancé…” I whispered aloud.

Even if he was open to that, I wasn’t sure my heart or soul could handle it.

Assuming Lev and I wanted to play with fire and be together until I was arranged to someone else…

I furrowed my brow, picturing it.

Would he still allow me to try to hold on to the “fallacy” of independence? Would he let me have my own thoughts and not dictate every part of my life?

I let out a long, deep breath, confident he would continue to grow with me in the newness of our connection.

Or am I getting my hopes up too high for something that’ll never be feasible?

I sat there, musing and deep in my thoughts with no clear direction.

Should I consider the risk of really opening my heart up for Lev to have it? Or should I continue to eschew the concept of love because no matter when or how I would be paired with a man, it would symbolize the damning end of my freedom?