Harmonizing Hearts (Darkest Symphony #1)

7. Chapter 7 Jax

I ’ve always carried the weight of my insecurities on my shoulders, a constant reminder of a past filled with uncertainty and loneliness. Growing up in a foster home, I never had a sense of belonging, of having a place to call home. But then Emma entered my life, and somehow she became my anchor in a world of chaos. I don’t know how it was possible but she got under my skin way too fast. Fuck my rules and all the bullshit, all I need is her. My heart is throbbing making even my breathing unbearable. Fuck, it’s been ages since I got wasted. I’m too old for this shit! I swallow a couple of ibuprofen and grab my keys. I should have followed her. Asked her why the fuck she was acting so freaking weird, instead I choose alcohol.

Now, as I stand outside Emma’s apartment, I feel the familiar grip of insecurity tighten around my heart. She’s been distant, evading my calls and messages, leaving me to wonder what have I done wrong. The emptiness I feel without her by my side is suffocating each day. I need her more than ever, but it seems like she’s disappeared from my life.

I find myself digging deep, battling against the self-doubt that threatens to consume me. Did I do something to push her away? I can’t help but question if I’m enough for her. Maybe she has found out about my childhood and if my past is a stain that she can’t overlook.

Desperation drives me to find her, to understand why she’s shut me out. I manage to track down her current address from a Royals member. Yeah, I am that desperate. Praying I’ll find her waiting inside, ready to listen and offer some explanation because seeing her with someone else broke my heart. But as I stand outside her door, anxiety courses through my veins, tightening my muscles. The door remains closed, and she’s nowhere to be found.

A wave of disappointment crashes over me, threatening to drown me in its depths. I try to quell the panic rising within me, reminding myself that she might just be out for a while. But my insecurities claw at the corners of my mind, whispering doubts that I can’t ignore. What if she’s deliberately avoiding me? What if I’ve lost the one person who made me feel like I had a home? I thought we had something special. Ours. But now I’m the one wondering what the hell I did wrong.

Unable to bear the uncertainty any longer, I start reaching out to the only person who might have some answers.

“Hey, Jax,” Angel's voice reaches from the speakerphone.

Sitting on the hood of my car I peer at my feet. “Hi Angel, do you have a moment?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“Would it be possible to have a meeting with Emma?” I feel so dumb asking her but still she’s the only one that can help me.

“A meeting? Is everything okay?” The concern in her voice makes me want to slap myself, she’s my boss after all.

“Yeah, I just need to…” I pause to come up with an excuse. Not that I can tell her the real reason, “to discuss some options about an apartment I’ve seen here.”

She hums, “Then shoot her an email, Jax. Emma is in Europe at the moment since we’re organizing Devil’s Sides’ concerts in Italy.”

Her words are like a cold shower. In Italy.

“Jax, are you still there?”

Shaking my head, I unlock the car and get inside. “Yeah, will do it, thank you, Angel.”

“No worries. The nine-hour difference is a bugger so it may take her some hours to get it back to you, but she’s always reachable.”

No, she’s not. Texts and phone calls seem to go unnoticed.

“Okay, thanks Angel.” Emma’s been actively engaging with others, responding to their messages and calls, but the silence she reserves for me is deafening.

Confusion and hurt mingle inside me, intertwining with the insecurities that have plagued me for so long. My mind races, searching for a logical explanation. What have I done to make her resent me? Was my attention not enough to anchor her in the same way she did with me?

As days turn into weeks, my attempts to reach out to her go unanswered. The pain of rejection grows unbearable, slowly chipping away at my resolve. Yet, deep down, I can’t abandon the flicker of hope that lingers within me. What I feel for Emma refuses to fade, despite the torment of her absence. I won’t let my insecurities win this battle. I must confront the pain head-on, find the strength to communicate with her openly, and discover if there’s still a chance for us, if what was between us can withstand the weight of our individual struggles.

* * *

Taking my cell phone out, I dial Mac’s number. I need advice since I suck at relationships.

“Jackson, is everything okay?” Dad’s voice makes me realize it’s dark outside. When did the hours fly by?

“Hi Dad,” I sigh, “Are you busy?”

He chuckles, “Never been for ya. What’s wrong?”

“I fucked up, Dad.” I pinch the bridge of my nose, “I don’t even know what I did wrong and now she’s in Europe and avoids me.”

“Ah, now I get it. Heart problems.” He pauses, making me wonder why am I so dumb, “I thought this moment would never come. Who’s she?”

“Emma.” I lean back on the couch, “Do you remember the girl I met at the New Year’s party?”

“Hmm-hmm.”

I let out a deep breath, “Well, turns out she works for SMD too.”

“And she’s against it because you’re colleagues?” Dad asks. “For some the ethic means more than anything.”

“We’ve spent a week together and I thought it wasn’t so. But then something has changed and now she’s avoiding me.” I clench my fist trying to release the anger that mounts.

“You fell for her, didn’t you?” he chuckles. Have I? “I know it may scare you but you should talk to her and open your heart.”

“But what if she doesn’t feel the same, Dad?” I sit straight when Jill sits opposite me with her ice cream jar.

“If you don’t tell her how can she know? Trust your gut, Jax, and follow your heart.” Follow my heart? I’ve always been in control but now I feel like I have any control anymore.

“Thank you, Dad.” I massage my pulsing temple while trying to erase my headache.

I take a deep breath, mustering the courage to face the unknown, to fight for her. Emma may be physically distant, but the bond we share is something I refuse to let go of. I’ll keep pushing forward, hoping that she’ll open up to me once more, allowing me to prove that even if I’m not perfect I can love her unconditionally.

“She who? Emma?” Jill crosses her legs and peers at me.

“Jill, don’t,” I mumble while pushing myself up on the couch.

“She’s hurt, Jax. I don’t know what you’ve done but you should fix it,” she says before eating a spoon of ice cream.

“Fix what, Jillian? I thought everything was great between us and the next day she flirts with someone else.” I snap at her regretting it right away. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

She narrows her eyes at me, “Maybe it was a consequence of something you’ve done or said.”

I’ve done nothing.

* * *

Angel told us we can use one of the recording studios whenever we want. In the past days, I spent my days closed in my home pouring my heart out at the gym and on the paper. A new song came out of this madness but I want to hear it before recording a demo for Angel. Are thoughts, pain, rage and disappointment all merged into what I think are good lyrics. Dex was about to kick the door down and for the first time since he knew me I cried. I felt like a fucking pussy but it helped me to understand I’m head over heels with Em. I’m not sure when our bond got so strong and maybe that’s the beauty of love.

"Earth calls Jax.” William’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts.

“Hey, hi.” I get up from his chair, “Sorry, I was waiting for the guys.”

“No worries,” he switches the console on, “do you know how to use it?”

“Yeah, I have something similar on my computer, just smaller,” I chuckle. “Actually, could you start with this base?” I hand him the pen drive. I worked on this track with Dex and I want to see if it works for this piece.

“That’s cool, is it in beta?” William plugs it in and opens the file.

“Yeah, I'm just playing around with it, we have our wizard who does miracles.” I chuckle while the guys come in.

“Good morning,” Jill hugs me. “Any news?”

I shake my head, “Go get ready.”

William takes his headset off, “Okay, so, the beta raises some notes while here we can make them flow and get a little less aggressive, while here,” he points to the chorus part, “we definitely can leave it that way. You did a great job but I need to hear it played to make sure we can use this base.”

“We’re here for it.” Dex and I high five. “Thank you.”

We move in the sound proof room and Dex takes places behind the drum set. Jill and I stand in front of the microphones and her smile makes me smile. She’s been a sweetheart to try to talk with Em even if I told her not to. I tried to keep the guys out of what I thought was the beginning of a relationship. Fuck, I broke all my rules in one setting because of her and I don’t regret it. I feel alive when Emma is with me and I’ll be damned if I’ll let her push me away.

“Whenever you’re ready.” Will's voice reaches us. We wear the headset and I look back to nod at the guys. We are ready.

The first lyrics leave my mouth and I close my eyes letting the music carry me away. The drum sets the tempo while the bass and guitar gives it that power that sinks in your bones. My mind drifts back to Em and I pour my heart in the song. The jolts irradiate over my skin while I leave the soft part to speak up what I can’t. Because it scares the hell out of me to let anyone see that vulnerable part of me. I’ve been absolutely many times that now, I got used to that feeling, but now, after ages I feel like the same toddler who thought no one ever would love him.

The last chorus hits hard, and I open my eyes gasping for breath.

“Sublime! Well done, guys.”

I snap my head toward the window and meeting Angel and Matthew’s gaze wasn’t something I thought possible. The two of them wear the headset and listen to what I think is the registration. Angel moves her head to the rhythm and the smile on her face makes me relax.

That’s a good sign.

I hope.

I need to focus on something other than Emma or I will go crazy.

We join them and Angel takes her headset off, “I adore the lyrics.”

“They’re perfect for this base.” Matthew nods in approval. He’s one of the best I know and that compliment pumps my ego.

“Yeah, but I’d add a few violins… no wait, hear your version first.” I stand by her and focus on the song. Her cell phone pings and she takes it out. I can’t help but watch the screen and seeing her chat with Emma breaks my heart. Deep down I knew she was ghosting me but now it’s even more clear but the last text is a bittersweet taste.

I’m okay, trying to move on.

No, Em, I won’t let you move on.

Not a fucking chance.

Not until you tell me what the hell is going on.

The song ends and I focus back on the conversation.

“How does it sound?” Matthew asks us.

“It could have been better, more powerful,” I admit. I thought I gave it my all but it seems not my hundred percent.

“I disagree.” Angel shrugs.

“Honestly I like it, the rhythm is great,” Jill adds.

Angel approaches the console, and wears back her head set, “Okay, now, what about you add here, and… here the violins, but keep them lower, like their sound is fading that way it may seem he sings over them.”

William fumbles with the keys and adds them.

“No, they’re still too powerful.” Will lowers the volume, “Okay, and now here, make them be in a crescendo until their sound merges with the drum and guitar.”

I admit I have no idea what she’s doing but I'm getting nervous. I wanna hear that too.

“That’s magic. It’d break the charts.”

“That’s what we want.” She giggles, while she unplugs the headset again. “Now, close your eyes.”

The music starts with the bass sound merging perfectly with the drums and the violins adds that dreamy touch that takes you in another dimension. Just wow.

“I fucking love it.” Jill squeaks, jumping on my back.

“It’s absolutely amazing, Angel,” I admit. It took her so little to make it unique even though she’s not a producer.

“I did nothing, it’s your doing guys. Keep going, I love it!” She collects some files and looks up toward us, “Who wrote the lyrics?”

“Jax!” the guys say in unison.

“Great job, I’ll make sure you have the bonus credit on it.” She nods, “which means a higher fee and your name on the wall of our songwriters too.”