Haven Bound

23. Austin

23

Austin

I’ve played out my confession to Chelsea in my mind hundreds of times over the years, but in every vision, she’s always been this sweet delicate flower and not the incredibly strong woman that sits before me.

If I had known then what I know now, I never would have left without asking her to come with me or, at the very least, to attempt something long-distance with me. I would have come home as often as possible. I would have arranged for her to fly out to me, wherever I was. If I'm being honest, there were times over the years when I could have come home to Haven Beach.

But I was afraid.

I was afraid I would return and find that her life had moved on without me as though our time together never mattered. I was afraid I would return and find Chelsea happily married, maybe with children. That thought alone was enough to keep me away. I knew that I would be devastated if I came back to Haven Beach and found her living a happy love-filled life without me, even though I knew that’s exactly what she deserved.

Memories of her and our time spent together were often the only solace I found in the dark recesses of my mind. Kneeling at her feet with her hands in mine, the only thing I’m afraid of in this moment is losing her.

“Chelsea,” I murmur, my head hanging as I take a deep breath and do my best to find the strength to finally open up to her. “I’m worried that if I tell you everything, if I tell you why I left and even why I’m back now, it’ll change the way you see me. Now that I have you back in my life, I don’t think I could handle having to walk away again.”

Her vibrant green eyes search mine for a moment before she pulls her hands away and stands up from the bed. She steps around me before she turns and says, “Then don’t walk away again, Austin. Trust that whatever you’re going to tell me, whatever reason you think you had for leaving me in the first place, is complete bullshit. I would’ve done anything for you. I would’ve followed you anywhere . And maybe that makes me stupid, but I loved you, Austin.” She crosses her arms over her chest and shifts her weight to one hip.

I hate the way she says "loved" in the past tense, even though she has every right to keep her heart guarded. She deserves to have someone who will fight for her. Someone who will show her just how fucking incredible she is and worship her in every possible way.

If I intend to be that someone, then I have to start by telling her the truth.

Standing up from where I had been kneeling on the ground, I take a second to admire her strength. I wish I would have known about everything that she experienced as a child. I wish I would have realized just how hard things had been for her at home with her mom. But I can’t go back and rewrite the past. All I can do is hope that somehow I still have a chance of Chelsea being my future .

“Chels, I know that I’ve fucked up, and I know that you probably have a whole slew of things that you'd like to throw at me, and that’s fine. I deserve it. But if I’m going to tell you everything…” Her lips are pressed into a tight thin line. Her brows pinch together as she stares at me, a glimmer of hope shining through as she waits for me to continue. “I need you to just… let me get it out.”

Her arms remain crossed over her chest as she shrugs a shoulder, giving me the go-ahead to proceed.

I turn away from her and run a hand through my hair, resting it at the back of my neck as I tilt my head back and close my eyes. I mentally gather every possible ounce of strength before I lay my heart bare at this woman’s feet.

Do I start by confessing how I feel about her, how I have always felt about her? Or do I start from the beginning?

All I know is that the words I’m preparing to speak, the confession I’m preparing to give her, will forever change my life. Once it’s out, that’s it. There’s no taking it back.

“Chelsea, you have to know that I loved you. God, I fucking loved you. But it’s not that simple. When I was eighteen, my father pulled me into his office and told me that our family business involved so much more than the Elysian Suites. My family…”

Fuck, I can’t believe that I’m doing this, that I’m actually confessing everything. This isn’t only my secret to share. It’s one that belongs to my entire family and several others worldwide.

My body is vibrating with energy, and it’s making it damn near impossible to stand still. I begin to pace as I allow the words to continue to flow out of me and do my best to keep my gaze off of her. I know that I won’t be able to withstand the disgust and disappointment that will surely paint her face as I spill this next part.

“My family is part of a mercenary organization known as The Phoenix Legion. Their sole purpose is to remove the worst kind of people from this Earth,” I say quietly. Though I asked her to just let me get everything out, her silence is killing me one second at a time.

“My father was kind enough to give me two years to continue living a normal life before I was expected to leave and begin training. Two years to pretend that my entire life wasn’t a lie. Two years to say goodbye to every dream I'd ever had for myself.” I can’t help but steal a glance in Chelsea’s direction. At some point during my rambling, she moved to sit on the edge of the bed, her elbows resting on her knees while she buries her head in her hands.

As if she can feel my eyes on her, she picks her head up so that her gaze meets mine. “Please keep going,” she encourages. I can’t get a proper read on her emotions right now, but she’s still here. That has to count for something.

“Those months we spent together were the best I’ve ever experienced. I wanted so badly to hold onto them and live in those moments with you forever. I knew that we wouldn’t have much time, and I wanted to spend what little we did have showing you just how much I cared about you… how much I loved you.” My heart feels like it’s going to pound its way out of my chest, and there’s a nauseating pressure building in my stomach.

I’m terrified that when all this is said and done, she will walk away.

I continue to pace across the room as I say, “I wasn’t strong enough to say goodbye. I knew that if I had to face you and tell you that I was leaving and I didn’t know when I would be coming back, that if I saw tears in your eyes and you asked me to stay… I would have. But I owed it to my family to follow through with what was expected of me.”

Chelsea’s continued silence feels like nails on a chalkboard, and I'm suddenly imagining all of the horrible thoughts that could be plaguing her mind right now. I have to ignore this feeling. If I let myself sink into it, I won’t get this all out, and she needs to know everything.

“My first assignment took me to Vegas where my target was a man whose list of crimes would make you sick to your stomach. By that point, I’d already put myself through the most rigorous training possible, all so that I would be able to sink into a dark place inside my mind where I wasn’t killing someone. I was cleansing the Earth.”

It’s the word "killing" that has me turning to face her. Chelsea stands up from where she’d been sitting on the edge of the bed and crosses the room to take my hand in hers. There’s a part of me that wants to flinch and push her away as though my skin on hers will somehow contaminate her soul. But there’s another part of me, an even stronger part, that wants to sink into her pool of sunshine and let it completely surround my soul.

“Austin…” Her voice is a quiet tremble as she squeezes my hand in hers, but I’m not done. She has to hear the rest.

“I spent two weeks tracking my target and learning his habits. He frequented a few brothels in the area and seemed to think that because he was paying a pretty penny for the services that he received, he was somehow above the law. Even an escort has boundaries, but he ignored them countless times. I won’t go into the more gruesome details, but just know… he didn’t deserve to continue living. ”

Her hand is holding tightly to mine, while her gaze has fallen to the ground. I don’t blame her for not wanting to look at me. I’m not deserving of her love and affection.

“What did you do?” she asks, voice barely above a whisper.

Looking down at our fingers intertwined, I do my best to keep my voice steady as I say, “I picked out a rooftop spot that gave me the perfect unhindered view across from where I knew he would be. I don’t even remember his name, but I’ll never forget the sick panic that flooded my senses when his body hit the ground…”

I’m immediately assaulted by memories of the people I’ve killed. I’ve made it a point over the years to not dwell on details like the names of my targets or what they look like. I focus on the fact that with each kill, lives are saved. That knowledge does nothing to ease the shadowed flames threatening to burn through my body.

I’m vaguely aware of Chelsea saying my name as she unlaces her fingers from mine, my body craving the warm pressure of her hand again. My eyes close as my chest heaves with quick breaths, vision after vision of each kill I’ve made over the years assaulting me.

“Austin…” Her voice sounds like it’s buried beneath water. It's too far away to hold on to in the storming sea. Then there’s a new pressure at the back of my neck. Her hand.

I can feel her body pressed against mine like an anchor keeping me from getting lost in the waves. Then her arms are wrapping around my shoulders, her face nestling into the crook of my neck as her sweet vanilla scent envelops me and the storm that had been building in my chest completely fades away.