Heart of Christmas (Curiosity Bay #4)

17. Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen

Audrey

I stared at my turkey and cranberry sandwich on my desk and rubbed my temples in frustration. Bing Crosby crooned a classic Christmas song through the speakers of our antique store while I tried to focus on pricing the influx of Christmas decorations I needed to get on the shelves today.

The morning and most of the afternoon had zipped by, and I was lucky enough to get one of my favorite sandwiches from the café across the street. Yet, I hadn’t touched it. Not one bite.

The scary thing was that the morning went by so fast because I was lost in my thoughts.

My MacGregor thoughts.

Spending dinner with him last night as a friend was more than I could ask for, but it highlighted everything I’d be missing if I let our relationship naturally evolve, which I wouldn’t.

Couldn’t.

It wasn’t because I was annoyed about Bethany. I really wasn’t. We all had pasts, but my history with MacGregor was intense. It shaped so much about who I’d become merely from thinking I’d been swept aside.

And none of it was true.

He’d never swept me aside.

I’d been conjuring up all these scenarios for years, only to find out he had tried to be one of the good guys. Finding out that he did have feelings for me and wanted to see where our relationship could have gone should have made me feel free.

It didn’t. Instead, I had all this leftover stuff to figure out on my own. I couldn’t keep projecting my unhappiness on someone who turned out to be an incredible human being.

For years, I’d kept my guard up around men and never truly gave myself a shot at being me. I was so afraid that a kiss would lead to an overnight stay and that I’d wake up the following day washed in regret.

I envied people like Bethany who just had fun. It didn't matter whether things worked out or not. She was able to live in the moment.

“Oh, yum,” Emily said, walking up the steps to the large office where I’d been hiding.

“You want some? I haven’t been able to eat any.”

Emily’s brows pulled together. “Why’s that?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Just inside my head too much.”

“Does this have to do with MacGregor?”

“Yeah.” I pressed my lips together and shoved the plate toward Emily.

She grabbed half the sandwich and took a bite. “Mmm. So good. You’re missing out.”

“Thanks for that.” I chuckled.

“So, what’s the problem? I don’t get it.” She shook her head. “You’ve spent every weekend and quite a few weeknights bouncing around from club to club or bar to bar in Seattle in search of Mr. Right. This has been going on for years.” She took another bite and started talking again. “I mean, we could hardly keep you on Marigold. You’d always tell us they were all duds. Not what you’re looking for.”

I nodded. “All true. They weren’t.”

“Because?” She motioned with her hands.

“Because what?” My brows lifted.

“Honestly, I’m super confused. I thought you liked dating, but now that you have someone who looks like he’d be a good catch, you don’t want to?”

I laughed, shaking my head. “Do you even know me?”

“Audrey, I’m so confused.”

“I hate dating,” I tried to explain. “The awkward glances, the drinks, the lack of conversation, the avoiding being kissed, the riding home on the ferry in disappointment.” I shuddered at the thought.

“Then why’d you do it?”

I shrugged and let out a sigh. “I knew I wouldn’t find the right guy just sitting on Marigold.”

Because I was searching for someone like him.

“Okay.” She eyed the last half of the sandwich. “Do you mind?”

Amelia came up the stairs and smiled as Emily ate the sandwich. “What’s up? Everything okay?”

I groaned and shook my head. “Everything is fine. All good.”

“Doesn’t sound like it.” She glanced at my sister. “Why are you here when you could be with your man? Isn’t he heading back to Wyoming soon?”

“He’s not my man.”

Amelia’s brows shot up. “What do you mean?”

“We’re not together. We’re just friends.” I turned to look at the jolly Santa glass bulb before me. The ornament was the perfect distraction as I furrowed my brows to prove I needed to concentrate.

“He didn’t look at you like you two were just friends,” Amelia said, chuckling.

I kept my gaze focused on the man in the red suit.

La-la-la.

“That’s an understatement,” Emily agreed.

I cleared my throat. “I know what’s best for me right now, and the whole thing feels like a mind-bender. I thought things happened one way for eons, and now I find out it was all me. I just… can’t right now, especially with the holidays.”

Because of what went on with MacGregor, I knew I’d been caught in a vicious cycle of dating the wrong men. It wasn’t that I didn’t know better. I just didn’t want better, and coming to that realization in the last couple of days freaked me out.

It was easier to choose the wrong guys, to keep chasing after the emotionally unavailable ones, or only moderately interested ones, or the overly ambitious men who only wanted to be friendly now and again because at least I knew where I stood. There was no fooling me.

Each time I hopped on the ferry to Seattle, I pretended it might end differently… I might run into someone like MacGregor who could see me for me and make me feel things I hadn’t felt for years, but I didn’t want that. I wasn’t ready for it.

I waited for that spark when I met someone new, but it never came. So, I ignored what it meant to be attracted to someone so I didn’t have to get to know them. I could write off the whole thing and go back to Marigold Island.

“I need time for me.” I looked up at both of my sisters, who were staring at me.

“You’ve had years for yourself,” Emily said softly. “I think you’re just afraid.”

“So what if I am?” I shrugged. “It only took me once to have pain so debilitating that all I wanted to do was stay in bed and eat popcorn.” I held up my index finger. “Once, and I don’t plan on ever going through that again.”

Emily’s brows arched. “So you’d rather choose men who are emotionally unavailable so that you don’t have to put your heart on the line.”

“Then you just pretend you’re actively in the dating scene.” Amelia let out a sigh. “Audrey, have you ever thought that what you felt with MacGregor was genuine?”

“I know it was,” I said softly.

“Then why not try it again?” she asked.

“Because if I fall for him a second time, nothing will be left of me if it doesn’t work out.”

“What if it works out?” Emily asked, leaning against the desk with her arms folded over her chest. “Then it could be your happily ever after.”

I laughed and shook my head. “Listen, I get it. You both have found your men, and Mae is off having the time of her life in the sand and sun with her pregnant belly, but I’m okay with just me.”

“Then why has it taken you two hours to price that Santa ornament?” Emily eyed me carefully.

“Okay, I’ll tell you what else worries me,” I said, rolling the chair back. “I’ve gotten really used to keeping things surface level. I’ve enjoyed meeting men and not worrying about sleeping with them or coming up with anything deep. I have a social life and can come home to a place I love and be happy.”

“Happy or numb?” Emily asked, studying me.

Her words sank quick and deep. “Happy.”

“You sure about that?” Amelia asked.

“My version of happy.”

Amelia and Emily shook their heads.

“Is it so bad to not want to get hurt again?”

“I’m going to be honest,” Emily said, frowning. “Everyone hated when you’d drag us to Seattle.”

“What are you talking about? You always said you had fun.”

Emily shrugged. “We had fun because we were with you and you’re our sister, but when you get over there…”

“You don’t act like the Audrey we know and love,” Amelia finished.

I sighed as their words circled my head, drifting in and out of my version of truth.

“But with MacGregor, you’re just… you.” Emily took a step closer and touched my hairpin. “Plus, I mean… Jasper? Come on.”

I chuckled and shook my head. “You’re sounding like Mom.”

Emily chewed her bottom lip for a split second. “Well, she’s been right so far. We’ve had a broach, earrings, and a necklace all kind of—”

“Kind of what? Just because Mom gave us these mementos when we were born doesn’t mean that the rest of our lives, specifically our love lives, have been carved in concrete.”

“The coincidences have been pretty hard to ignore. I mean, she gave me a carved jade apple and I happened to fall in love with the boy I hadn’t seen for decades but was the little kid I threw an apple at?”

I chuckled and shook my head. “I’m just gonna come out and say that’s a stretch.”

“The man owns an apple orchard,” she argued.

I giggled. “So, you’re saying fate already planned this years ago?”

“Maybe I am. Maybe Mom knows a thing or two about listening to fate,” Amelia said wistfully. “And this is the second time she’s trying to push you and MacGregor together.”

I smiled at my sisters. “I love you both. I love my family. I love Mom. But we might not be living in reality. For crying out loud, Mom named us after Mae West, Amelia Earhart, Emily Dickinson, and Audrey Hepburn. The woman is living in the past. She’s just living in some fantasy land where love bumps into one another.” I frowned. “And I think you two have drunk the Kool-Aid.”

“Well, it tastes pretty good,” Amelia said, grinning.

“This is all more than I can handle.” I laughed. “All I know is that I have a good friendship starting with MacGregor, and that’s all I need. It’s safest.”

Emily shook her head. “I think you’re wrong about that. Limiting yourself could be the most painful thing you’ll ever do, and you’ll figure it out when it’s too late.”

“What do you mean, when it’s too late?”

“When he’s tired of waiting for you, Audrey.”