Heart of Christmas (Curiosity Bay #4)

16. Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Sixteen

MacGregor

I could see it in her eyes. It was the moment I knew I’d lost her before I’d even had her.

Truly had her.

The look nearly killed me as she dropped her last snowball and turned away from the kiss I’d almost swept along her beautiful, full lips.

“I’m sorry, MacGregor,” she whispered.

It felt like the ground beneath me had disappeared. Minutes ago, I was having one of the best moments in my life, chasing after the girl who got away, holding her close, and daydreaming about the mere idea of starting over with her.

The ache seared into me like a hot iron skillet pressed against my chest, shooting down to my stomach, where it left an empty void. It was the kind of agony that made it hard to catch my breath.

Not because of today or yesterday.

But because I’d spent years hoping and wishing I could get a second chance with Audrey. And I’d been teetering on that edge of hope for so long that it felt like all those years were for nothing when it got taken away.

I’d always heard people talk about heartbreak, and the crazy thing was that when I should have felt it all those years ago, I didn’t.

I was destroyed when I found the empty room, but I was also determined.

I decided to find out what went wrong between us in one night. It had all felt so right that evening, and then she left.

So, I never let myself feel heartbreak.

Until now.

And it wasn’t purely an emotional pain. It was physical. My heart ached and felt heavy, like a boulder rolling over my chest with no end in sight, and my thoughts weighed down my shoulders.

Audrey looked away, but I shook my head.

“Audrey, is there any way to try?” I asked softly as she let out a deep breath, creating a spiral in the air.

“Try?” She looked surprised.

“To forgive me,” I said, closing the gap between us again.

Pain etched her gaze, too.

None of this made sense. We got along, we connected, and there was just one crazy misunderstanding to get over and laugh about.

“There’s nothing that needs forgiving,” she said, smiling. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I shouldn’t have reacted swiftly and assumed the worst that morning.”

“Then why not try?”

“Try what, MacGregor?” She shook her head. “You saw how my family got. They barely know you and they’re invested. I barely know you.”

“Not true. We spent nine hours straight talking about everything in our lives.”

“Over ten years ago.” Her jaw locked, and she looked toward her family’s antique store behind me. “What we know of each other from then isn’t who we are now.”

“Then let’s get to know each other,” I offered. “Take things slowly.”

“And then what, MacGregor? You live in Wyoming, and I have a life here.” She shook her head and shrugged. “I have to be honest with you and, most importantly, myself.”

“Then be honest. Let me hear it.”

She slipped her tongue along her bottom lip, and my chest ached even more for what I couldn’t have.

“We’re on Marigold Island,” she stated flatly. “Most people in the country have never heard of the place. It’s the size of a pinhead on the map.”

My stomach knotted tighter, knowing where she was headed.

Bethany .

I had a shot until Bethany.

She drew a deep breath. “And then, out of the blue, you come to this tiny island in the middle of nowhere, and who do you find?”

“You,” I said softly, knowing that wasn’t the answer she wanted to hear.

“Bethany.” Her nose wrinkled as she pushed a forced smile on her face. “And that’s okay. You’re a single guy. You do you. The whole thing was from eons ago. I get it.”

I watched her, not saying a word.

“But that’s not how I want things to go for me. Not when I already felt like a number to you for years.”

“You weren’t ever just a number.”

“I know… I know that now,” she said genuinely. “But I’ve spent over ten years feeling that way. And then bumping into someone I’m friends with who’s also slept with you… It feels like a sign.” She shook her head. “I want to believe I’m better than that, more mature, worldly, and accepting. But I’d wonder if he would get bored of me and go on to the next.”

“ He is standing in front of you, and I would never go on to the next. That night, I saw a future with you, Audrey. I saw the possibility of something I’d never thought much about. I’ve spent ten years trying to chase that feeling down again. It doesn’t exist unless it’s with you.” I locked my gaze on hers, feeling the painful chemistry churn between us. “And you said so yourself.”

“What did I say?” Her brows raised.

“That you haven’t felt it since.”

She shook her head and groaned. “That doesn’t make this right. It doesn’t mean I’ll be able to push all my random thoughts aside. All those dreams I’ve had about you also included other women trying to take you away.”

Shock punched through me.

“Dreams?” I asked.

Her eyes widened. “I didn’t…”

“You mean like dreams for the future or actual sleeping dreams?”

A hint of a smile touched her lips. “Does it matter?”

“Kind of. Yeah.”

“Dreams at night.”

“You’ve dreamt about me?”

She chuckled and shrugged. “Only recently.”

“Like since I arrived on Marigold?”

She pursed her lips together. “A little before.”

“I don’t know what to say, but…” I shook my head.

Audrey bent down and grabbed some snow. “I wish I were as carefree as Bethany and could forget everything I thought about myself over the last decade, but I can’t. So, you’ll have to be okay with only being my friend. I have a lot of work to do on myself, and you don’t need to be bogged down in the Audrey saga.”

I wished I knew what she was talking about, and maybe I’d ask her someday, but now wasn’t that moment. I could see the familiar twinkle in her eye as she squashed the snow over my head.

“It’s not you. It’s me.” She grinned and shrugged. “For real, though.”

“The old it’s-not-you-it’s-me trick.” I rolled my eyes. “Great.”

Shaking my head, I knew I’d rather have her in my life as a friend than not have her at all.

“Friends?” she asked.

“Deal,” I said, laughing and trying to push away the deepening ache of losing her before I’d even had her. “But you must promise you’ll humor me and come to Wyoming to meet Jasper.”

“As a friend,” she repeated.

I nodded, smiling. “As a friend.”

She smiled. “See? I feel better already.”

“Can friends still hold hands?” I asked.

Audrey nodded and held up her gloved hand. “For sure.”

I clutched hers in mine, and we started to walk out of the park.

“How about I treat you to an early dinner at the hotel tonight?” I asked. “As a friend.”

She glanced at me and nodded. “Sounds fun.”

“Just one last question about the whole complicated mess we’re in.”

“Okay.”

“Did that kiss this morning…” I didn’t finish before she stopped and turned to me.

“That kiss reminded me of what I’d been missing for so long.” Her eyes stayed on mine, but I could see the turmoil behind her gaze.

She still liked me but couldn’t trust herself to trust me.

And worse, herself.

“Me too.” I searched her eyes. “And for the record, I’ve never felt that connection with anyone. Never, ever.”

Audrey nodded and looked up the street toward the hotel before I returned to me.

“Me neither.”

A little relief flicked through her gaze, but not enough to change her mind.

I nodded and touched her cheek with my glove. “I just wanted you to know that. And for the record, I slept with Bethany before I’d ever met you.”

Her cheeks blushed. “It’s not my business.”

“It kind of is. You’re making decisions for both of us.” I cleared my throat. “And I’d like you to have all the facts.”

“All the facts,” she repeated, kicking snow into the air and glancing back at me. “The facts are complicated.”

“I suppose.” I nodded as we started walking to the hotel. “But probably not as complicated as it’s going to be explaining things to your mom after I leave.”

She chuckled and shook her head. “You have no idea.”

I laughed, glancing at the coffee shop and seeing no sign of her family inside. “I think I have a clue.”

“It’s so funny. I love having a close family, but everyone feels entitled to an opinion when something like this pops up.”

The lobby doors opened to the hotel, and we stepped inside. The warm air welcomed us into the space, which was filled with the scent of pine from the Christmas tree in the corner.

“It’s so pretty in here,” she gushed, glancing at me. “I can see why you chose to check in here rather than crash at my place.”

A low grumble of laughter rolled off my lips as I shook my head. “We both know it’s best if I stay here.”

“I suppose, but it’s just a friend helping out a friend,” she teased.

I laughed as we went down the corridor to the hotel’s restaurant. “After the conversation at the park, I think it’s safe to say that being here is the best option. But you play the role of temptress quite well.”

She spun around and smiled as we waited for the hostess to appear. “I bet we could pull it off.”

“I kissed you this morning.”

“But I wanted it.”

“And what if you wanted it again tomorrow morning? I doubt I could resist, and that wouldn’t be me being a very good friend to you.”

Her eyes narrowed on mine, and I couldn’t help but smile as the hostess arrived.

“Just two,” I told her.

“Right this way.” She grabbed the menus, and we followed her to a corner table overlooking the water. The snow-covered pier bobbed slightly with the waves, and the candle on our table flickered with each breath Audrey let out. She was breathing fast.

The server came over, and we ordered drinks before I returned my gaze to Audrey. She’d been quiet since we took our seats, and I wondered what was running through her mind.

“It was fun with you at the park,” she said, looking at the menu.

“Even though you lost to me?” I asked, scanning the dinner items and landing on halibut.

“I did not lose. I won so hard, you had to tackle me.” She set her menu down, eyeing me.

“I thought it was more of a cuddle, but…” I shrugged with a smile. “I can see how we landed in the friend zone so fast if that’s the vibe I’ve been giving off.”

Audrey laughed, and I felt my heart rate speed up again.

“I remember you told me you wanted several kids one day. Is that still the same?”

She twisted her lips into a pouty smirk. “I told you that when I was a lot younger and thought I had a chance at it. Now, I don’t know.” Audrey shrugged. “I’d love if I could even have one, but time has a way of moving ahead faster than I’m ready. Mae’s pregnant. Did you know that?”

“No. I had no idea. That’s awesome.” I nodded, knowing exactly what she meant about having a family.

It was hard to believe that forty wasn’t so far away.

“What made you stop working in finance?” she asked as the server came to take our order. “You were with one of your brothers doing development and finance, right?”

We both rattled off what we wanted, and he brought us drinks before I returned to Audrey’s question.

“I didn’t enjoy it anymore. I’d made enough to last me a long while, and…” I felt awful for saying what was about to roll off my lips.

She leaned closer. “What?”

“I don’t want to turn out like my brother.”

“Which one?” she asked, cocking her head to the side. “Aren’t you all at the ranch?”

“Three of my brothers are there, but my older one is back in Connecticut.”

Audrey nodded. “Oh, that’s right. You worked for him when we met last.”

“Yup.”

“I thought you liked it. You traveled a lot and made good money, if I remember correctly.” She eyed me curiously. “I thought you were into the fast lifestyle.”

I chuckled, nodding. “I thought that too.”

The server brought out the appetizers, and Audrey reached for some shrimp.

“Until about six years ago.”

She frowned. “Isn’t that when Jasper came into your life?”

I nodded, realizing she was just as good a listener as she had been many years ago. “Yeah. I had the epiphany right before adopting Jasper. I returned to my parents’ ranch and started helping out, and I’ve been trying to figure out my next steps ever since. Ironically, something I disliked doing for so many years is paying my way right now.”

“You don’t want to spend a lifetime doing something you hate,” she said softly. “I’m glad you realized it before you lost yourself.”

“Yeah.” I remembered my brother Owen and how pursuing more had eaten away at him. He was a shell of the guy I’d grown up with, constantly putting relationships on the back burner, including friendships.

“And your older brother? Does he enjoy what he’s doing?”

“I think he does. He’s moved heavily into development now, too. Every project has to be bigger than the last.” I shrugged, taking a sip of my drink. “It’s like he’s addicted to the next big project.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad.” She eyed me.

“He’s pretty much by himself. He never really dates unless he has to find someone for a work function. He reminds me of a modern-day Scrooge.”

“Poor guy. Maybe he needs a Jasper.”

Or an Audrey , I thought to myself.

“Yeah. Maybe, but I don’t think he’s wired for anything like that anymore. He’s just too focused on money.”

She chuckled. “Well, if I can turn a fifty-buck item into a hundred, I’m pretty excited, so I can only imagine what he’s dealing with.”

I laughed, glancing outside to see the sun setting in the distance.

“And your younger brother Larson. How’s he doing?”

Audrey remembered, and I couldn’t help but smile.

“He’s doing tremendously well. He’s on the ranch with my other brothers, helping out and working as hard as anyone.” I smiled, thinking back to my youngest brother. He’d taught me so much about living in the moment. “Truthfully, he works harder than anyone.”

“He was working hard in occupational therapy when you told me about him. I think he’d just graduated high school.”

Pride swelled inside. “Yeah. He still goes, but he’s the kindest human I’ve ever met and the most capable. But I always assumed at this point in my life, I’d have to lend a hand a lot like I did when we were in school. I looked forward to the idea, but the joke is on me. The least of the things he wants is a roommate or a pesky brother hanging around. He’ll probably be taking care of me someday.”

She chuckled and nodded.

“Yeah, I’ve got great brothers. Even Owen, I suppose,” I said sarcastically.

“I hope I can meet him and your other brothers.” She smiled genuinely, and I wondered if she remembered what I’d told her about caring for Larson when my parents were gone.

“See? This being friends thing is working out just fine.” She grinned, dipping a shrimp into cocktail sauce. “Now, I just have to figure out what to tell my parents tomorrow so they don’t pester you to death.”

I chuckled and shook my head. “Don’t stress about it. It will all work out just fine.”

She nodded, and my heart clenched, thinking about leaving this island and never returning.