Her Christmas Wish (The Cottages on Ocean Breeze #1)

Chapter Twenty-Four

W as she or wasn’t she? Gray woke every morning of that next week with the question in mind. Sage could start her period any minute of any day.

Then he’d get up, focus on the day’s tasks and refocus every time his mind strayed. It was an exhausting process, but it worked.

And though he was incredibly busy, he made a point to be on the beach three of the five evenings. He may have been a little tense around Sage, needing answers, feeling as though his entire future was in the balance. But there was no way he was going to have little Leigh think that he was mad at her, or didn’t like her.

Why his opinion seemed to matter to her, he had no idea, but knowing that his absence had affected her negatively, he made certain not to be absent.

His plan had only been loosely formed. It wasn’t like he was thinking he’d head down to Sage’s and hang out with them. On the contrary.

He was trying not to think about the woman he’d been carelessly ecstatic with on the beach.

As it turned out, the four-year-old took care of the situation for him. As soon as she’d see him, she’d run up, give his legs a hug and run off. Or call out to him asking him to “Watch this!” He’d been treated to everything from somersaults to throwing sand as high in the air as she could. She showed him she could skip. And at one point, had crooked her finger at him, instructing him to bend down, and had whispered that Mommy had forgotten to punish her for running down to see him and so could they please keep it a secret so neither of them had to take a time-out.

He’d agreed immediately. With the caveat that she’d never run off again, and he would always tell if he knew she was breaking a rule. To which she’d solemnly agreed.

He saw Sage, too, but only in a group on the beach. Never alone. He caught her eye a time or two, but one or the other of them would look away.

They talked on the phone several times, pertaining to business. They’d been granted a hearing with the judge assigned to the GB Animal Clinics case the next week, and would know, possibly even that day, if he’d be affluent again. She’d received twenty-two signed commitments from investors; money was rolling into the Buzzing Bee Clinics account, enough to allow him to sign leases on three of the four properties and make offers to purchase the other two.

Two of his eighteen veterinarian contractors had changed their minds about joining him, but two others had immediately accepted the spots, and Sage had appointments to finish up paperwork with all of them that next week as well.

Each time he’d seen her on the beach, met her gaze, he’d looked for some kind of nod, letting him know she’d started her period. Each time he’d answered her call, his first thought was to hear her say she was calling to let him know she wasn’t pregnant.

The week passed, and she made no mention of their secret situation. None.

Leaving him to ruminate on things in a way he never had before. Was she scared? She’d be happy if she was, right? Having a baby was the one thing she’d always wanted most. Two would be twice the happiness, right?

And twice the work.

Was she praying she wasn’t? Was that why she didn’t talk about it? She was in denial. Telling herself not to worry. Unless she found out otherwise, there was no pregnancy.

If she’d just said something, anything, to clue him in to her state of mind, maybe he wouldn’t have spent so much time on the topic. He’d never been good with the not knowing. Get all the facts. Weigh them. Make the decision.

He’d learned practicality in the cradle. For necessities, you found a way to provide. And you moved on from the wants you didn’t need.

Pay the bills you had to pay, eat whatever you could afford after that. Even if it was oatmeal three meals in a row because all it took was oats and water.

Find out if you got the woman you’d once loved to distraction pregnant, and if you had, then figure out how you were going to live with yourself for the rest of your life.

As the week passed, he was slowly starting to see a picture gelling on that one. He’d be living down the road. Not in the house.

No way he’d be the main source of example, or the one a child looked to for early-development security. Although, he knew a lot about not having that. Knew what the child would need. Might not be a bad thing to be close, just to help Sage in case something came up in that area.

Give his advice. His point of view.

Still, living down the street...he’d have a step back. A step out. Precluding the need to worry about forming resentments that others could sense.

Like little Leigh. He’d rather die than have her ever think he resented a second of her sweet spirit filling the air around him.

His problem in the past, with his mother and grandmother, had been that he had no way out. Though, thinking back, he was sure, even if he had, he wouldn’t have taken it. He’d been where he belonged.

And the cottage at the end of the road...that night he’d found out that Sage hadn’t been on birth control, when his life had been careening out of control, he’d been unable to sleep, had walked down the beach to the cottage, slid to the ground, leaned against the broken-down building...he’d found home. A sense of peace he wasn’t sure he’d ever had.

In the midst of the worst storm in his adult life.

Facing his worst nightmare. Possibly being a father.

He’d put his head back, listened to the waves and had actually fallen asleep. Waking hours later as dawn was breaking.

He’d made the offer on the place as soon as he’d had Sage’s blessing.

All the Ocean Breeze residents had been notified and all seemed genuinely glad to have him join them. He’d received an official invitation to the Thanksgiving gathering on the beach. And a flyer telling him about the holiday lights that went up right afterward. Apparently, Ocean Breeze was known throughout Southern California for the beach light display that could only be seen by those living in the private neighborhood, or by boat. The sheet warned of the hundreds of boats that would be appearing in their waters, outside their reef, every weekend during the holiday season.

He’d never done holiday lights in his life.

Was on the end of the beach where it wouldn’t matter much if he didn’t shine as bright.

He’d figure something out.

Most of his time on the beach that week had been spent being joined by different clusters of neighbors, welcoming him to the neighborhood.

Wanting to join his water rescue class.

Asking him when he was getting a dog.

His usual answer, that he had an entire practice filled with dogs who needed him, worked long hours and lived alone, had sounded a bit weak to the Ocean Breeze residents. At least in his own ears.

All the Ocean Breeze residents were single professionals. The majority had dogs. But not Sage.

She had the only child on Ocean Breeze.

Class on Saturday morning had two new students, and several of the dogs were already running into the water on command to get a treat. He’d had it easy for the beginning steps. All of the dogs on Ocean Breeze were already used to the water and were comfortable in it. And all the ones in the class already responded immediately to basic commands. That had been a prerequisite for joining the class.

Standing in the wet sand after the session, talking to his students’ owners, Gray laid out a brief overview of their goals. Next step would be to play games with the dogs while in the water, building up to retrieving a toy for a treat. And later, retrieving it off a boat. Progressing from there to bigger object retrievals, and then a person floundering in the water. Owners would have to work with dogs one-on-one. And Gray would have private sessions with all the dogs who showed proficiency for actual rescue operations when they got to the more advanced stages of training. The dogs would be expected to work with distractions going on, to learn to ignore the distractions.

And, of course, only the stronger and bigger dogs would be capable of adult rescue. But the smaller ones could still alert to a potentially life-threatening situation...

Morgan ran from his side, and he turned to see that Sage had joined them. Her presence jarred him, stole his train of thought. Sage...she didn’t attend the actual class.

She had news.

Because he’d interrupted himself to stare at her, everyone else was watching her, too.

It wasn’t their news.

“I just wanted to let you all know that I put together a package of toys and other objects you can use for your individual work with your dogs. I found everything on sale and got bulk rate on shipping. Anyone who’s interested, let me know...”

It was their news. She’d even talked to him about it that morning, just before class. When he’d asked where Leigh was.

She’d been in the house getting ready because Uncle Scott was taking her to the park to play.

Gray had seen Scott just before he’d come out to the beach. They’d stood in the kitchen, sipping coffee. Talking guy banalities. Scott hadn’t said anything about taking his niece out for the morning.

And Gray had zero business feeling left out due to the fact that he hadn’t. He had no business being in .

He hadn’t been himself since he’d woken up that morning. Other than class time, when he was in his zone, doing what he loved, he hadn’t been focused at all.

Mostly, he’d been trying not to focus on the one thing consuming his mind.

Sage’s bodily functions.

Was she pregnant?

They’d reached the two-week mark. If she hadn’t started yet, they could do an early test. He’d looked it up. Ten days after conception, home tests could often detect positive results.

And he had a right to know.

She could have texted him. She knew Gray had to be living on the edge of cold blades, waiting to find out if his worst nightmare was coming true.

At the same time, she needed to take care of her. She had a little girl wholly dependent upon her and had to keep herself above water.

So she’d taken the night. And then had asked Scott to watch Leigh so she could have time alone with Gray—not that her brother had any idea about that.

Which had been part of the plan.

She didn’t want Scott to know—and couldn’t guarantee that, on a Saturday morning, her twin wouldn’t wander in on a tense conversation and get suspicious.

“You got a minute to walk up to my place with me?” she asked, as the final laggers in Gray’s class dissipated with their dogs. She held up the folder of class paperwork, some of which she’d just had signed.

“Just let me get changed,” he said, barely looking at her, as he took a couple of steps backward while he spoke, heading toward Scott’s place. “Tea on the porch in five minutes?” he asked, and barely waited for her nod before he turned and jogged up the beach.

Leaving her with more minutes of anxiety to get through. And...on the porch...

Not at all how she’d planned.

And she’d planned it all so carefully.

The segue in with class paperwork. Talking about how it was going. Keeping it calm. Casual.

Because she needed it that way.

And the privacy? That was all for her, too.

The last time things had ended between her and Gray, while starting out with a private moment between them, had precipitated the canceled wedding, the canceled life, and had been the most humiliating experience of her life.

While she’d been trying to hold together pieces of her heart and fighting anxiety as she’d tried to figure out, overnight, what her life was going to look like.

As she remembered back, the sympathetic looks and comments she’d received, even months later, had been unbearable. People had meant well, but their pity...had weakened her. Set her back notches in her growth.

It had held her in a place she hadn’t wanted to be.

So...no chance for sympathy on the current time around. Most particularly not with Gray moving onto Ocean Breeze.

And with Leigh in the picture.

She loved them both so much. And if having Leigh in her home, raising her alone, with Gray on the outskirts of their family life, was what the future held—she was good with that.

Genuinely and sincerely.

As badly as she needed Leigh happy, she needed Gray happy, too. She loved him. The man he was, not the man he’d seemed to think he had to be for her.

Something that had been true back then, but that maybe ten years of maturity, and actually being a mother rather than dreaming about it, had shown her more clearly.

If Gray had been able to be completely open with her in the past, things might have been different. At the very least, any breakup would have been a mutual thing.

None of which mattered, she reminded herself—firmly—as she poured glasses of iced sweet tea and set them on coasters on side tables in the living room. Next to two chairs that faced the couch.

Getting through the next minutes with Gray believing she was just fine...that was the goal. No pity. The goal.

Being able to build a healthy life on the beach with Gray joining their close-knit group—that mattered.

As did having him in her life.

Truth be told, that mattered most.

She was watching for his approach. Stood inside, sliding open the glass door as he stepped up onto the porch. Inviting him in.

Leaving him little option was more like it.

And led him straight to the chairs in the living room. No couch. No even getting close to the hallway where her bedroom could be found.

No attraction. No tears.

Absolutely no regrets for what could have been.

Just friends.

In another pair of the cotton pants he seemed to prefer, with a light-colored, long-sleeved button-down shirt hanging loosely over them, Gray didn’t touch his tea. Or sit.

He stood over her and said, “You know.”

Sitting there with her tea glass held between her hands on her lap, the sweat getting her jeans a little damp, she forced herself to hold his gaze, and nod. Then smile. “I’m not.”

She braced for the relief, the overjoyed light to shine from his eyes. Focused on keeping the smile pasted on her lips.

It was for the best. She knew that. Had been praying that she wasn’t.

Just her heart...it had been sabotaging her all week. Hoping...

Figuring that it would all work out. Her with two children, giving birth to Gray’s child as she’d always dreamed of doing, with Scott as the father figure, and Gray a close friend right down the street.

Unconventional, sure, but so what? If it worked for them and the children grew up safe and secure, loved and happy and healthy...

Her spray of thoughts halted as she realized Gray wasn’t shining joy all over her.

He’d dropped to the seat she’d left open for him, knees apart, elbows propped, his hands clasped and hanging in the air between them.

His sideways glance...didn’t show her anything she’d expected. Or really even understood. “Gray?”

Had he decided not to go through with the sale on the cottage? Or be her friend? The scare had been too much for him? Chances of another one too much of a threat looming over him with them living on the same mile-long stretch of beach?

“I’m sorry, Sage,” he started, and her heart dropped further. “I just... I know that a part of you...it’s what you’ve always wanted, more than anything else, being pregnant.”

No! She would not be pitied. Most particularly not by him.

“I knew I was meant to be a mother, Gray,” she said softly, feeling the conviction of her words with all her heart. “And I am one. The possibility of a baby...” She stopped, glanced at him. And made a choice. “Yeah, I was disappointed, on one level. Gutted, actually. But on another...just as much relieved. I knew what it would do to you, Gray, and honestly, it wouldn’t have been worth it.”

The truth slid out—both from some hidden source inside her and into the room. Simultaneously.

Having a family had been vitally important to her.

But so had he been.

And while she’d never once considered giving up motherhood.

She hadn’t fought for him.

Or for them.