Here’s the Thing (Seddledowne #4)

Chapter 6 – Ashton

six

ASHTON

I love mankind, he said, "but I find to my amazement that the more I love mankind as a whole, the less I love man in particular.

— FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY

A nna jangled the keys to Stella, her white CRV, against her thigh. “You’re sure you don’t want to come to the movie with everyone?”

I sat at the kitchen table of her mom’s old house—Anna and Blue’s house now—my laptop humming, ready to work. The house usually sat vacant. Anna and Blue only stayed here during weekend and holiday visits since they were both still students at Virginia Tech. Austen’s work light was already lit on the screen. She was waiting for me. “Nah. I gotta get some stuff done. I’m not much of a horror movie guy anyway.”

Anna’s hand went to her hip. “It’s spring break.”

We dropped a new chapter on Incognito every Thursday at midnight—spring break or not. It was Wednesday evening and we hadn’t even begun. But I couldn’t tell Anna any of that because I hadn’t told her anything about my secret writing gig. Because if Anna knew, then Tally would know. And I wasn’t ready for that. Especially with the way things were now.

“I know,” I said. “I promise I’ll be done by the time you get home and we can hang.”

Her head cocked to one side. “She’s not coming to the movie if that’s the reason. She said she has stuff she needs to work on too.”

I slumped down in the chair, wishing everyone didn’t think all my life choices were based on Tally and her whereabouts. “It’s not that. I really do have to get some stuff done.”

“All right,” Anna said with a tone of disbelief. Then she pointed at me with one eye half closed. “When I get back, you’re going down in 7 Wonders.”

I chuckled. It was Anna’s new favorite two-player board game. She was ridiculously good at it but I wouldn’t tell her that. “Looking forward to it.”

She gave me a wave before leaving.

I got straight to work.

Leggolas1012: You ready to write?

Austentacious119: Give me three minutes.

We should’ve gotten Jack and Raven together seven chapters ago. And not just a kiss. The tension was cranked so high at this point that it had to be a bedroom scene. Our readers were clamoring for it. There was a whole Reddit thread on how frustrated they were. While I waited, I found myself clicking on the thread I’d bookmarked.

As I scrolled, I saw a common theme.

“ These authors are seriously testing my patience here. ”

“This is becoming a snooze fest. Get on with it already!”

“I'm about ready to DNF this book if they don't confess in the next chapter.”

If we wanted any chance at a book deal, we needed to be winning more people over, not chasing off the readers we already had.

Austentacious119: Okay. I’m back.

I cracked my fingers and placed them on the keyboard, ready to work.

Leggolas1012: Is today the day? Are we finally going to give the people what they want?

I crossed my fingers in hopes she’d say yes.

Austentacious119: Actually, I need to talk to you about that…

I let out a long sigh. Austen was about to give me another reason why we should wait.

Austentacious119: Sorry, I’m just…

Austentacious119: Struggling. I probably need to be forthcoming with you on some stuff.

My stomach tightened. What could that possibly mean?

Leggolas1012: Okay.

Austentacious119: I know we owe our readers a bedroom scene. I just can’t make myself write it .

I stared at the screen waiting for her to expound. After sixty seconds, I nudged.

Leggolas1012: What’s going on? Tell me the same way I told you about The Girl. You’ll never regret it. Not a single day.

Austentacious119: Your sarcasm has enveloped me like a fuzzy blanket, even from 3500 miles away.

Leggolas1012: Glad to be of service.

Austentacious119: It’s super personal.

Ahh. She was feeling self-conscious about getting spicy with me. Understandable. It was my first time too. Writing a bedroom scene, that is.

I was about to remind her that we could make it fade to black if she wanted. I’d suggested it before but she was the one who’d insisted on the open door. But then another message came through.

Austentacious119: No, I still *want* to write it, but if we’re going to keep writing together, I need to tell you something.

Okay? I pulled my hands from the keyboard, sensing she needed me not to interrupt.

Austentacious119: There’s no good way to sugarcoat this so I’m just going to come out with it.

Austentacious119: I was raped.

The air in my lungs leaked out in a slow hiss. I swore and rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands.

Austentacious119: It was a long time ago, and I’ve been to years of therapy. But I haven’t been with anyone since, so that’s my only experience with intimacy. And every time I go to write it…

Austentacious119: I just can’t.

My heart was racing. Sweat beaded along my forehead. What was wrong with some men? No. Anyone who did that wasn’t a man. He was a monster.

I had to be very careful with my next words.

Leggolas1012: First of all, I’m so sorry. And I’m sorry I’ve been pushing you to write the scene.

Leggolas1012: Secondly, I hope he’s rotting in jail. Please tell me he’s rotting in jail.

Leggolas1012: And lastly, that’s not intimacy, Austen. That’s pure evil. What we’re trying to write is something between two people who love each other deeply.

Then I amended,

Leggolas1012: It’s okay if you don’t want to do that scene. Scrap the dual point of view. I’ll write it from Jack’s POV.

We’d planned on writing half the scene from Raven’s POV, and half from Jack’s. Giving our readers a double prize since they’d had to wait so long.

Austentacious119: No! I want to do it the way we planned. I think it will be beautiful and it might help me heal. I just need to figure myself out.

Austentacious119: Can you give me one more week?

I stared at her words, worry pitting in my gut. But I couldn’t push her on this. She needed to do it in her own time. Even if it didn’t happen in this book at all.

Austentacious119: What if today we write a scene where they’re trapped in a tight closet and they keep bumping into each other?

I blew out my breath, determined to forget about the Reddit thread and the outcry that was going to follow. Austen’s mental health was more important.

Leggolas1012: Yeah, of course. Do you want to talk about *it*?

I stared at my last message with my finger hovering over the return key. Did I want to hear about it? No. But she’d become a close friend. And friends listen. I pressed enter.

Austentacious119: Not really.

Austentacious119: Not trying to be mean. I’ve talked about it ad nauseam for the past nine years with my therapist. I’m all talked out.

Austentacious119: Is it okay if we start writing?

Leggolas1012: Absolutely. Let the writing commence!

Austentacious119: Wait! Not so fast. You know my next question…

Leggolas1012: *groans*

Austentacious119: Did you tell The Girl yet? Read her the poem?

I stared at her message. I could tell her about the kiss. But what Austen needed right now was something light and optimistic. Something with a happily ever after off in the distance. And my relationship with Tally was the opposite of that.

Leggolas1012: It’s my turn for the motivational quote.

Austentacious119: LEGGS.

Leggolas1012: Let the writing commence.

Austentacious119: *grumpily crosses arms* Let the writing commence.