Here’s the Thing (Seddledowne #4)

Chapter 13 – Tally

thirteen

TALLY

I am no bird; and no net ensnares me; I am a free human being with an independent will, which I now exert to leave you.

— CHARLOTTE brONT?

A shley flung her backpack onto the floor so hard that it bounced up and hit me in the shin.

“Oof.” I jumped.

“Sorry.” She flopped into her seat cussing Ashton under her breath. “He found out about the TikTok account and he’s making me take it down. Can you believe that?”

I rubbed my leg, positive it was going to bruise. “I mean, kinda. You were posting videos without his permission.”

“You’re taking his side? I thought he’d be flattered.” She slouched in her chair. “I wish someone would secretly make an entire account dedicated to me.”

I bit back a smirk. But she looked truly hurt. “Count your blessings, Ashley.” I broke out my best British accent to do the Pride and Prejudice quote justice. From the 2004 movie that is. “If he liked you, you’d have to talk to him.”

She snickered. “Precisely.” Her accent matched mine. “As it is, I wouldn’t dance with him for all of Derbyshire.”

Together, we whispered, “Let alone the miserable half.”

Ashton walked in, folder between his teeth, a coffee in his casted hand, his textbook in the other, his bag slung over one shoulder. I winced at the sight of him. His nose was a purple-red and both of his eyes were black. The man looked like he’d tried to negotiate a peace treaty between rival gangs.

Ashley’s forehead crinkled. “Do you know what happened to his face?”

“Nope,” I said suspiciously fast. “No idea.”

She blew out her lips. “Well, whatever it was, he probably got what he deserved.”

A lump formed in my throat. No. He most definitely did not. And I needed to make it up to him. Watching Ashton drive away on Saturday, I was sick to my very soul. He’d accused me of not wanting him but nothing could be farther from the truth. I wanted him. Too much. The more I thought about it the more I realized it wasn’t him I was afraid of.

It was me.

Somewhere deep inside, after that kiss, I knew if I let him, he’d have the power to control me if he wanted to. And after having control taken from me in the most traumatic way possible, the thought of letting someone else have that kind of access to me was immobilizing.

But looking at him now, beat to crap all because of me, I wanted to love him. To take care of him. And I wanted him to do the same for me.

I pulled out my phone and looked at the texts Mom had sent after I told her how I’d messed up our date.

Mom: Oh, honey. You need to stop believing the lies in your head. Being loved, even intimately, is a beautiful thing.

Mom: You need to let go and relax into the love of Ashton.

Relax into the love of Ashton.

I played those words through my head over and over. Mom was right. I needed to take a freaking chill pill before I lost him altogether. Needed to show him that I was capable of a relationship and being open to affection and intimacy.

I kept going back to the grounding techniques my therapist had taught me. I wrote in my journal, which always helped. And I reminded myself over and over— Ashton’s a good guy. He won’t take advantage of me. I doubled up on the EMDR sessions my therapist had recommended.

I thought about what Ashton had said to me in my bedroom. About how maybe the universe matched us on Incognito on purpose. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was time to stop being a cynic and have some faith. Maybe things would finally start going my way.

But two weeks later, sitting on the curb outside Brianna’s apartment complex, I seriously doubted.

Today was hard.

Brianna received word two nights ago that she’d gotten the Household Chef job. She started immediately. As we’d packed her apartment over the past forty-eight hours, she’d fired off a barrage of instructions on child-rearing, clearly overwhelmed by her sudden departure. Bri acted tough, but she was struggling to leave the kids behind. Mom, as luck would have it, was in Atlanta for work.

Brianna blubbered as she leaned out of the U-haul window hugging Theo and Charlie, who stood on the running board, sobbing. I’d held back, letting them have their moment.

“Hey,” she said softly. “This isn’t goodbye forever. Aunt Tally is so excited to have you live with her. In a couple of weeks, you guys will be full-time Seddledowne residents.”

At least she was saying all the right things. Theo and Charlie loved Seddledowne and cried every time they had to leave. They prayed every night that they’d get to live there someday. Their prayers were being realized. I had no idea how the four of us were fitting in Mom’s tiny two-bedroom house but we’d figure it out.

Theo and Charlie both turned, whimpering, snot running out of their noses, watching me as if to make sure she was telling the truth.

It was time to do what needed to be done.

I stood, brushed the dirt off my pants, and stepped forward, opening my arms for them. I smiled. “It’s gonna be so fun.” It would be. That was the one thing I didn’t doubt.

They reluctantly let go of Brianna and fell into my arms.

She gave us a hearty wave and pulled away from the curb. “Love you, guys! I can’t wait for you to come see me in New York.”

“Bye Mom!” Theo said in his best brave voice.

“Love you, Mom!” Charlie followed his example.

We stood, huddled together, as she disappeared around the corner. Thank goodness I was done with my thesis. I only had two weeks of classes and then I’d be a free woman. A free woman with a full-time online writing job. But at least I’d be home with them. I was excited for that. These two had my whole heart.

“Well, this is going to be an adventure, isn't it?” I said, rubbing their backs. “What do you say we head to Dairy Queen and get Blizzards?”

“Yay!” They squealed. It was way out of my budget. McDonald’s ninety-nine-cent cones were more on point, but today we needed something a little extra. “Do we have everything from the apartment?” I asked them.

Charlie’s long brown hair fell to the side as she cocked her hip. “You know we do, Aunt Tally. The apartment is empty.”

I laughed at her attitude. Then I looked at Theo. “You have everything?”

He rolled his bloodshot eyes, wiped his nose on his sleeve, and smiled. “You know it’s all in the trunk of your car.”

I scruffed them on their adorable heads. “Then let’s do this thing.” I clicked the unlock button on the fob. We climbed inside and strapped in. I turned the key and it cranked to life.

But when I shifted into reverse the car wouldn’t move. I put it back into park, gunned the engine, and tried reverse again. It sat completely still, like the gas pedal had lost all its power.

“What’s going on?” Theo asked.

“I’m dying for a blizzard,” Charlie said.

“It’s not going into reverse.” I jammed the gear shift again. Still nothing. I tried putting it in drive and going up over the sidewalk to turn around in the grass. It wouldn’t go forward either. My head fell against the steering wheel.

“Is it broken?” Theo asked.

“Yeah.”

“Can we fix it?” Charlie asked.

I blew out my breath. “Let’s give it a shot.”

We climbed out of the car and lifted the hood. The three of us, Charlie standing on the bumper, peered into the engine looking for the problem. But I knew nothing about cars and had no idea what I was looking at. I rubbed my cheeks, warding off the helplessness that was settling in. Brianna was gone and late for her first night on the job. Mom was in a meeting seven hours away. And Brooklyn was at Jonah’s in Durham, North Carolina .

“What are we gonna do?” Charlie asked.

“No worries. It’s part of the adventure.” I gazed at the playground on the side of the building. “Why don’t you guys go play while I come up with a plan.”

Charlie hooted and took off.

Theo stared at me. “Do you need help with the plan?” Bri had talked to him about being the man of the family and watching out for Charlie. Looked like he was taking his responsibilities seriously.

I tousled his hair. “Can you go keep an eye on Charlie? Take her mind off of everything?”

“You got it.” He jogged toward his sister.

I stared at my phone. “Who to text?” I muttered. I really only had one option.

Me: Any idea what to do when your car shifts into gear but when you press the gas pedal nothing happens?

Anna responded immediately.

Anna: Call Triple A.

Me: What is that?

I totally knew, but I didn’t have Triple A. That kind of thing was for graduated people with jobs. Which I was not.

Anna: Where are you? Find My Friends says you’re at Brianna’s. I thought she was moving today.

Me: She just left. I’ve got the kids’ stuff packed up but now we’re kind of stranded.

Anna: She’s already gone?

Me: Yes.

Anna: How are the kiddos holding up?

I glanced up to see Charlie wiping a tear even as she came flying down the slide.

Me: As good as can be expected.

Anna: I don’t understand, Tal. I know she’s your sister, but I don’t like her very much right now.

I stared at her message, my heart aching. Everyone was going to hate Brianna for leaving. But they shouldn’t.

Anna: Sorry, I should keep my mouth shut. The kids will be fine. You know why?

Anna: Because they have the world’s best aunt.

Me: Not feeling like the world’s best anything at the moment.

Anna: Hold on. I gotchu…

I had a hunch what that meant.

Me: DON’T BOTHER ASH. He needs a break from me.

She left me on read.

Me: ANNA.

Ten minutes later, as my niece and nephew were seeing who could go higher, I sat on a swing, staring at my phone. Another text finally came through.

Anna: Help is on the way.

Anna: In the form of a hot professor who looks awfully cute in a cowboy hat.

Me: Anna, NO.

Anna: Too late. He’s already on his way. Gotta run! Doing a c-section on a horse! Wahoo!

I muttered my retaliation plans. Flour in her blow dryer. Bouillon cubes in her shower head. Sign her up for countless telemarketers who would hound her from here to eternity.

My phone dinged again.

Ashton: Hey, I’m on my way. We’re working cattle today so I’m coming from Seddledowne. I’ll be there in about forty-five minutes.

I put my toes in the dirt to stop myself from swaying. He was busy. I should tell him not to come. Lie and say I figured something else out. But I did in fact need his help. So I swallowed a large mouthful of humble pie.

Me: Okay. I really appreciate it. I’m sorry to bother you. Mom’s out of town.

Ashton: Don’t ever say that again. You’re not a bother. Now stop texting me so I can drive.

“Grumpy, much?” I frowned and slipped my phone into my pocket. But the frown quickly gave way to a smile. I was going to see Ashton today. And we were saved.

“Aunt Tally, do you want to go down the slide with us?” Theo asked .

I grinned at the two cutest kids in the whole world. “You know it.”

Forty-three minutes later, Ashton pulled up in his white truck. I left the kids on the playground. By the time I got to my car, he was standing next to it waiting for me. Adorably, he was wearing a blue T-shirt with a cowboy throwing a rope and a Kansas City Chiefs hat. Blue had gone twenty-seventh in the NFL draft last week. Not bad for a guy who hadn’t played in a couple of years. Looked like he’d already decked the Duprees out in his new team’s merch.

“Hey,” I said. “Nice hat.”

Ashton held out his hand, ignoring my compliment. “Key.” A scowl dug lines into his forehead.

He turned the car on. After fiddling with the gear shifter for a minute, he flipped his cap backward. I may have swooned a little. Hands resting against the frame, his triceps flexed as he peered at the engine.

A few minutes later, he closed the hood and turned to me, a perturbed purse to his lips. “Has your car been shaking lately?”

“Yes.”

His scowl deepened. “Have your gears been grinding when you shift?”

“Yes.”

“Your engine revving too high but not going faster when you gas it?”

Maybe it was PTSD from having him as a professor the last few years, but this felt like a pop quiz I hadn’t studied for. Sweat sprung up between my shoulder blades. “Yes?”

He glowered. “Yeah. Well. Your transmission is dead.” He huffed like I was an idiot.

“I was going to take it into the shop as soon as I got my first p-paycheck.” My voice trembled. My job started the day after graduation. Payday would be two weeks after that .

“You can’t put off stuff like that. You’re going to have to shell out five or six thousand dollars now.” He frowned, annoyed. Then he rolled his eyes. “Hop in my truck and I’ll drive you home.”

My face flamed and shame rolled over me. But I stopped it in its tracks. I had done the best I could with what I had.

I channeled my inner Brooklyn and put my hand on my hip. “No thanks. I’m not putting those kids in a car with you. They’ve been through enough today.” I snorted. “If I’d known you were going to be a first-class jackass , I would’ve told you not to bother coming.” Then I poked him in his left pec. “What is your problem? Are you still mad about the date? About your nose?” Which looked like it had almost healed. “Mad that I can’t get my crap together to write the bedroom scene? Or mad that you had to take time out of your busy day to come save us?” I poked his other pec. “Trust me, I would’ve asked someone else if I had anyone else to ask.”

His entire countenance fell and he looked shamefaced. “Sorry.” He blew out his breath. “I’m twenty-five percent frustrated that I keep getting sucked into your gravity and seventy percent frustrated…for you. ”

“You’re frustrated for me? About what?”

“Your sister taking off.”

My heart turned into a ball of goo. “Oh.”

His worried gaze shifted over my shoulder to Charlie and Theo, still on the playground. Theo was standing under Charlie who had her feet on his shoulders as she tried to master the monkey bars.

“I mean, what kind of person leaves her kids behind to go pursue her dreams .” His hands waved mockingly. “A selfish piece of crap, that’s what.”

Ashton wasn’t one to talk bad about people and he disliked it when other people did. The way he was watching the kids right then, I knew he was feeling protective .

I got that. But I also didn’t want him thinking those things about Brianna.

“Hey.” I tried to calm him with my tone. “Brianna is a really good person. There’s a lot more to this than you understand. She deserves to go live her dreams.”

The fire in his eyes burned hotter and it only melted me more. He thrust his hands toward the kids. “Tally, you can’t possibly condone her leaving?—”

An oof escaped his chest when I sacked him in a hug.

“Thank you,” I said. “For loving the kids. And me.”

His arms stayed stiffly out, making sure not to touch me. “Is it okay if I hug you back? I don’t want you to rebreak my nose.”

I laughed. “Um. You better. This is very awkward doing it by myself.”

His arms wrapped around me and I relaxed into him.

“It’s not fair to you though,” he said softly. “You have your whole life in front of you. You’re just finishing school. You should be living your dreams.”

“I am,” I said. “I promise. I want them. They are part of my dream.” I ran my fingers over his beard. “I’m sorry about the date. And your nose.”

“It’s okay,” he murmured and I wondered if his knees were shaking as much as mine.

“I’m working on stuff,” I said. “Be patient with me?”

A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth and there was relief in his eyes. “Yeah. Of course. Are you okay if I kiss your forehead?”

I nodded.

His lips on my skin lit a fire in my stomach. And my thighs. And my chest. Okay. My entire body was a glowing ember. I forced myself to be honest right then. I felt safe with Ashton, really safe. At least, when I didn’t get in my own way.

My fingers wrapped around his biceps. “I need to turn this day around for them. Would it be okay if we ran through the Dairy Queen drive-thru on the way out of town? I promised them Blizzards.”

“Yeah. But we can do better than just Dairy Queen. Are you guys up for helping at the ranch after? When we’re done with cows, we could saddle up for a ride?”

I grinned. “Yes. They would love that.”

He stepped away, putting distance between us, and rubbed his hands together. “Let’s do it.”

“Oh. You got your cast off.”

“Yesterday.” He smiled. “And my nose is feeling much better.”

He stretched, arms to the sky, a full-toothed grin on his face. His countenance had done a one-eighty since arriving. Looked like I’d learned something about The Care and Feeding of Ashton: if at any time you find your Ashton a bit grumpy, a simple hug will do.