Hero for the Holidays (Four Corners Ranch #9)

Chapter Thirteen

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

T HE DAY OF the party they were working at being sneaky and also getting everything together as efficiently as possible. Fia was ferrying a cake over as soon as Landry came to get Lila, and she had a free moment to be sneaky. She had managed to shape the cake into a gecko, and that had been a whole feat of sculpture. Piping the little scaly bumps onto him had been fun.

And he looked amazing if she said so herself.

They were doing a little bit of a complicated dance. Lila had spent part of the day with Fia, and then she would be going back to Landry’s, but then also thought she was going to the King farmhouse for dinner, which was where the party would actually be. And that was where Fia would meet them all.

Landry pulled into the driveway, and Lila rushed over and gave Fia a quick hug.

Fia just stood there and then watched as her daughter ran out the door to the car.

“Bye,” she said, processing that feeling. The hug. Which hadn’t been the first time that they had ever hugged, but had been the first time Lila casually initiated the contact.

Fia still felt...like everything around her had to be temporary. Like this couldn’t be real.

Like the cake she had made might vanish, no matter how much work she had put into it. No matter how much work she had put into making the process feel real.

Because how could it be real?

Lila being here. Her and Landry working together. It felt like it might all evaporate. The truth was, the last time she’d been this happy, it had all evaporated.

It was so easy for her to cling to the toxic parts of her relationship with Landry. Because it was the toxic parts that had killed them in the end.

But he had also made her into someone confident. Someone who had felt beautiful. He had given her stretches of happiness in a time when she had been happy at home.

She knew that she had done the same for him. That what they had done for each other wasn’t small.

It was just that it had gotten lost. In hurt feelings and anger. She had likened their experience to toddlers playing with knives. And in the end, they had been two teenagers trying to defuse a bomb. There had only been one way that it could end. In an explosion.

One that had devastated them both. One that had left fallout that had long-lasting implications.

So she held on to the hug, because there was still all the other stuff. Because even though things were progressing, she still felt...

Was there ever a point where you felt adequate?

And in this circumstance, was there ever going to be a time when she felt secure, or like she wasn’t...

She closed her eyes.

Lila patently hero-worshipped Landry.

She seemed to enjoy Fia.

But it was difficult to get a real read on her.

Landry carried the wound of what felt like abandoning a child deep inside of him. And even though he said he understood everything now, she wondered if that was still there. And it also made her wonder if Lila might carry around some resentment of her too.

No matter what she said.

She had gone through so much.

What-if had been Fia’s enemy for a very long time. It was very, very hard to stay away from asking what-if right now.

The truth was, she had wanted to spare Lila from going through any pain. But she hadn’t done that, had she?

It made her feel like she’d failed. Even though in many ways she felt like she had succeeded, this end point made her feel like she’d failed. Having Lila back here made her feel like she had failed. And at the same time she wanted her here.

It was an impossible circle of things. Realizations and feelings.

And at the center of it all was Landry and the fact that her feelings for him could never be anything like straightforward.

She sighed heavily and went to her bedroom—where she had hidden the cake—to gather her things.

She had to accept that this was the beginning, and not dwell so much on the past.

But she couldn’t escape the feeling that there was something in her past she needed to get a grip on in order to move forward.

She just wished she knew what it was.

I T WAS A pretty full house, the entire King family including Arizona’s husband and stepson. Rue was also there, an extension of Justice. Rory and Gideon, Levi and Quinn, and Gus and Alaina were there, and she knew that the horse was in a trailer, ready to be brought out at the right time.

Daniel was in a corner talking to a couple of girls that Fia didn’t know, but they must have been his recommended picks for the party. She did sort of wonder if he had chosen based on who he wanted at the party, because that was the amount of trust that Fia put in teenage boys.

Not for nothing.

Denver made his way over to her, and she braced herself. They hadn’t actually had a conversation by themselves since the revelation about her being Lila’s mother. The problem was, she knew Denver in the context of setting up the Four Corners collective. Because of that, she really was not surprised that he had something personal to say to her on the subject.

“All right,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Get it out.”

“What?”

“I had the feeling that you wanted to say something kind of snarky about the fact that I hooked up with your brother?”

“That is the least interesting part of the story, Fia. You two had a baby, and she ended up back here thirteen years later. That is vastly more interesting than whatever teenage shenanigans you two had going on.”

He was right, and she felt silly that she had assumed otherwise. It was just that to her, the whole thing with her and Landry kind of loomed large as far as revelations went. Obviously, it wasn’t as big of a deal to somebody like Denver for whom hookups were not that significant.

“Okay. Then what?”

“I was just curious how you were doing? I know it’s been a lot of years since we actually established the collective. And you and I never had the easiest time communicating.” He looked in the direction Landry had gone. “I kind of get why now.”

“I was never mean to you.”

“Not mean , per se. But we were not close.”

She squinted. “I’m deeply suspicious of cowboys.”

“Especially cowboys with my last name.”

“Right. Well. Fair assessment.”

“You were holding a lot on your shoulders. I don’t know that anybody ever gave you all the credit that you deserve. For being eighteen and stepping into that room with men who were older than you, and hardheaded, and making the case for what Sullivan’s Point needed. And now I realize you were doing that just two years after having Lila, after having all that happen with Landry. It really was amazing. And what you’re doing now, that’s amazing too. I am pretty damned impressed.”

“Well, thank you,” she said. “I hear that you’re secretly rich?”

His eyes widened and he took a step back. Then he seemed to recover himself quickly and shifted and smiled. “Depends on who you compare me to.”

“You contain multitudes,” she said.

“Not really. Ask around. I’m pretty basic.”

“You’ve been a good uncle to Lila. I can see that you’re taking care of her.”

“Listen,” he said, his tone heavy. “My dad didn’t take care of much. He broke things, he didn’t build things. He has blood on his hands in my opinion.” He sighed. “Let’s just say my dad has a lot to answer for. I’d like for some of it to happen in this life, but if it’s just in the next I’ll take that too. But I try to build things. For my part. Leaving it better than it was before. Not worse.”

“As far as I can tell, that’s what you’re doing.”

“You too.” He looked at her for a while. “Our dad was really hard on Landry. He didn’t give him any quarter to make mistakes. To grow. I’m always amazed at how good he is. How smart. Because living the way that we did, it can kind of beat you down. It can make you doubt everything that you believe, about yourself and about the world. But you know, Landry just thought up this thing to rehab some of the buildings on the property, and to expand our business. That whole finding your niche thing. He thinks outside the box, and I actually think when you’ve been through what we have, it’s difficult to do that. Because growing up with a dad who criticizes everything you are puts your brain in a cage. It’s the best way I can explain it.”

“I get it.” She said that easily, but she knew that she needed to turn over exactly what he just said. “I mean, I do know him.”

He was right, about Landry. Landry was forward thinking and focused. He was smart when it came to improving the ranch.

When it came to their personal interaction, his brain had been stuck in a cage.

And she could understand why. He’d actually explained it pretty well.

But it made her wonder how much that was true of herself.

Because even though her parents had been different than their father, they had definitely created an environment where their emotions were more important, demanded all the attention.

It limited you.

It limited what you could imagine for yourself.

Just like when she had found out she was pregnant and all she could imagine was being her parents.

“Oh, I see headlights,” said Denver.

She knew that they were here.

She turned her focus to the door. And then, it opened.

“Surprise,” everybody yelled.

Lila’s eyes went round. “What’s this?”

Fia went over to the side table, where the cake was. “It’s a new birthday. Because we know that you didn’t have a great one this last year.”

Lila blinked seriously. “Oh. Thank you.”

“Of course.”

She stood there, and she wondered if Lila would hug her again. But she didn’t.

She wished that she would. But maybe she was too overwhelmed.

Instead, she shrank back, she clung to Landry, which made Fia feel heavy in her chest.

She knew she should just be grateful that Lila had somebody she could lean on. It didn’t feel that way. Not all the time. Not right now.

She had the terrible feeling that because Lila just came in the afternoon, Fia wasn’t the only one who occasionally felt like it might just be babysitting. Something temporary. Something less than actually being a parent.

It was Landry who started singing, and everyone joined in, and Lila looked brighter then.

They led her into the dining room, where all the food was spread out.

Daniel managed to take it from there, pulling Lila into the group.

Fia felt some of the tension in her chest ease.

But she still felt like she was having some kind of strange out-of-body experience.

Landry came over to her, and leaned in and whispered in her ear. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she said, turning to look at him. Their faces were closer than she’d realized.

And she found it hard to breathe.

“Are you?”

“Yeah,” she said.

“Why do you look so sad?”

“Why do you care?” she asked, knowing she was being bratty.

“I’ve always cared.”

That made her feel like she’d been stabbed in the chest. She tried to be like when she’d said that. Somewhat flippant. But it had come out heavy, and that his answer had been heavier than she’d been expecting.

And it made her feel things.

“This makes me feel like we should have red Solo cups full of beer,” she said. “A big house party like this. Without our parents.”

He chuckled. “We’re the parents.”

It was so sobering. She looked over at the kids, who were talking and laughing.

“Do you get the sense that she’s happy she’s here?” she asked.

“She looks happy now.”

“Yeah. She does. She looks really happy. I never know... We get along well. We have a nice time together.” She realized that she was pulling strips off herself and exposing her insecurities to Landry, and the Fia of just a few weeks ago would hate herself for this. But she didn’t have anyone else to talk to about it.

“What don’t you know?”

“Does she still feel like this is foster care? Does she really want us to adopt her?”

“She doesn’t really have a lot of other options.”

“No, I know. But what does she want ?”

“We didn’t get to choose our parents. She doesn’t either.” He tried to smile, but she could tell that he didn’t think it was worth the effort. “I mean, I get it. This is complicated. Depending on how you feel about fate or whatever, it really becomes a whole thing.”

That made her feel sour. She tried not to show it. Because he was right. When you brought fate into the mix, everything got extremely muddy. She didn’t need it to be muddy. She didn’t want it to be. She wanted things to feel clear.

She wanted to feel completely confident in the decision that she made in the past and completely certain of her footing now.

And looking at Landry always made her feel that quandary of emotions that she’d been mired in from the time they were kids.

“I feel like it could still all go away tomorrow.”

And part of her thought it might be easier. Because she learned how to live a certain kind of sad. She had learned how to live missing a piece of herself, but having that piece returned to her, and having it bring up all the other things that she still missed, all the things that still weren’t healed. That was difficult.

“Me too,” he said. “Every morning, I wake up and I go up the stairs and knock on the door and...I’m afraid. I’m afraid she’s going to be gone. I’m afraid that it was a dream. And yeah, I recognize that maybe this isn’t a dream for her. That’s hard too. I don’t want her hurt.”

“Me neither.”

His voice was heavy now. “But she didn’t get to choose. And I like to think that maybe we’re not the worst option.”

“Me too.” When she looked over, she saw that Lila wasn’t there.

She went over quickly to Daniel. “Where did Lila go?”

“Oh. I don’t know. I think just to get some food?”

Except she wasn’t around the food.

They still had her present to give her.

And... Fia’s heart started to pound. She knew that she shouldn’t get panicked. But she felt...panicked. Because she couldn’t see her child. She didn’t know where she was.

She’s not a toddler.

No, but something was wrong. She could feel it. Lila had been edgy since she had come to the door.

I’ll be right back , she mouthed to Landry, then swept out of the room and looked around the living room.

Then she slipped outside.

She looked across the yard, and she could see a small, slim figure sitting on a swing, her head bowed low.

Fia let out a sigh of relief, and then she ran across the yard. “Lila,” she called, jogging to where she was.

Lila lifted her head. “What?” She wiped her tears on her arm.

“Are you okay?”

“No,” she said miserably.

Panic hit her, full in the chest. She’d messed this up. By trying to be too much too soon she’d messed this up. “I’m sorry. Maybe the birthday party was too much. I wanted to do something nice for you.”

“It was your idea?” Lila asked.

“Well. Yeah. I’m sorry, though. Maybe we should’ve told you.”

Lila shook her head. “No. It was a really nice thing to do. I appreciate it.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I just... It’s hard to believe sometimes. That this is my life.”

It was so funny. Of course, not funny funny. Nothing about this was funny. But just the connections between herself and Landry, and now Lila. The way that they were all grappling with this in such similar ways. The way that their thoughts were often linked.

“Me neither,” said Fia. “Sometimes I can’t believe you’re real. I can’t believe you’re here.”

Lila’s eyes went round. “Really?”

“I know it’s hard to imagine when you’re thirteen, but... You don’t really feel on top of everything when you’re an adult. I think that’s the saddest thing I’ve learned. I gave you up because I didn’t think I could possibly do right by you when I was sixteen. And I’m twenty-nine and I don’t feel a lot different. That’s kind of upsetting.”

“I was hoping that eventually you just felt like you knew everything.”

Oh, how Fia wished that were true.

“Sadly no. And it must be hard for you. Because you’ve been through so much. Losing your parents is hard enough, but having nowhere stable to be, having to move through so many different houses...” She took a deep breath, and decided to ask the question that had been burning inside of her, the one that hooked into her own insecurities, her own worries. “Do you feel like I’m babysitting you?”

Lila didn’t look up at her. “I feel like you’re another foster family or something. It’s weird. I’ve been bouncing around so much the last year that everything kind of feels like that. None of this feels real. I didn’t really know what to do when my social worker said that they found Landry. That he was my biological father. I...”

Suddenly, Lila started to sob. Great racking sounds that moved through her small body. And Fia didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what to say. So she got down on her knees, and she pulled her off the swing, into her lap, hugging her. Holding her. “I wanted you both to find me. Because I didn’t have anybody. Not in the whole world.” And suddenly two fat tears rolled down her cheeks. Landry hadn’t mentioned this at all. Her crying. Her being emotional.

Fia felt frozen.

“I just thought it was a nightmare. That my parents were dead.” She sniffed loudly. “I kept thinking I’d wake up, or hoping I’d die too. And my parents’ families were bad people. Dysfunctional and into drugs and alcohol and they’d never wanted me to go with them. But they didn’t...have anyone picked to take care of me. And that started to make me angry.”

Fia felt like she was stranded in a wilderness, searching for wisdom. “They probably couldn’t even think about the possibility of not being there for you. They...they waited for you. They wanted you so much.”

“I know. But then I didn’t have them and... I didn’t have anyone. I’m the one who asked my social worker if they could look for my biological parents.”

“You...you did?”

“What’s the point of even being adopted if your biological parents can’t come rescue you?” She sniffed again. “And then he did. And I’m so afraid... I’m so afraid that he won’t want me if I’m not good enough.”

Fia’s heart broke right then. Into tiny little shards that cut her inside.

“Landry has wanted you since before you were born,” she said, her voice catching. “You...you have to believe that. He would never not want you.”

“And then you’re here. You’re here . When he came to get me, I didn’t even want to ask him about you. I was afraid that maybe you were dead, and I couldn’t stand hearing that my biological mother was dead. Because I already lost my real mother and... I’m sorry. I just...”

“I’m not dead.”

“But you didn’t want me.” Her voice was small. “I was never upset about that, not ever, because I knew you gave me to good parents and I didn’t think I’d need you, but I need you now and it scares me.”

Fia felt tears well up in her own eyes, but she didn’t want to shed them, because the poor girl was already feeling out of sorts, and watching an adult cry was likely to send her over the edge. If there was one thing that Fia did remember from being a thirteen-year-old girl it was that her own emotions were uncomfortable enough. She really didn’t need a trusted adult’s emotions thrown into the mix. And a strange adult? For all that Lila was expressing her desire to know them. To love them, it was most definitely a strange adult kind of situation.

But she felt gutted, because that was her fear. That Lila was afraid Fia hadn’t wanted her.

“I wanted you,” she whispered. “But I wanted to be a different person for you. And I didn’t see a way I could do that. So I had to give you to someone else. I didn’t want you to have to grow up while I tried to do the same. And I don’t know if I’m grown up enough now, or good enough or...anything. But I do know that I love you. I have loved you since I knew you existed. Standing up to the boy I loved, fighting for the future I thought you should have, was the hardest thing I ever did.”

“I know. I...I was raised to respect what you did for me. My parents wanted to make sure I knew I hadn’t been abandoned or unloved. They always said I had more love in my life, not less. But then...you have a life. And I wasn’t part of it, so it makes me scared that you’ll decide you won’t like...me.”

“Every decision I’ve made from the moment I knew about you was for you. And even when it cost, it was worth it. Landry and I have decided to adopt you. To make you ours. I promise you, I will stand as firmly in this as I did in giving you to your parents all those years ago. It was hard, Lila. I wanted to snatch you back, but I didn’t. I knew what I had to do for you, and I did it. And this? This is for you and for me. This gives me back something I lost. I love you. I have loved you. I will love you.”

She promised it, like a vow. A refrain. One that came from the depths of her.

“Have you told Landry any of this?” she asked.

“No. I didn’t want him to feel like he had to keep me. Why would I want that? I don’t want that. You guys gave me up. But when he came to get me, he said he never wanted to give me up, and then I kind of hoped that maybe... It was something that he really wanted.”

“Let me tell you something, it was never a matter of wanting . Landry really wanted you. I really wanted you, but for me it was a matter of knowing what I wasn’t capable of. But I’m twenty-nine now. I have a financially solvent business. I’m not a sixteen-year-old freaking out and crying every time some girl talks to Landry.”

Lila shifted away from her, back to the swing. “You were seriously in love with him, weren’t you?”

That cut like a knife.

“Yeah. I was. I was very seriously in love with him. But it was not healthy. It was very toxic. If we were a YA book people on the internet would cancel us.”

Lila laughed, watery and shaky. “Oh no. Please don’t talk about cancel culture. Stop. It’s what everyone does to try to be relevant.”

“I was just making a joke.”

“Well, whatever. It’s played out.”

“Sorry,” she said. “Scathing.”

“I’m thirteen. Scathing is kind of my vibe.”

“Right. Great.” She let out a long breath. “We both want you. And there’s no question of returning you. We are absolutely 100 percent committed to this. Because I know there’s legal paperwork required for us to actually make you ours. But the thing is, you are. You’re ours.”

“I don’t know... It’s hard.”

“I get it. You probably feel like you’re not being loyal to Jack and Melissa. To your mom and dad. But you didn’t choose to lose them. You’re in a really difficult place. One that nobody ever wants to be. But you’re in a lucky one too. Because you fell, but you have a safety net. Two other parents who really want you. Who want to have you. Who...who love you already, Lila.”

“How? You don’t even know me.”

“I didn’t know you when you were growing inside of me either. I didn’t know you when I held you in the hospital. For just a few seconds, before I handed you to your mom. I didn’t know you then, but I loved you. And every decision that I made was all about how much I loved you.”

“I never really worried about it. I mean, in the sense that I didn’t feel like my parents dumped me off or gave me away or anything. Because I had such great parents. That it didn’t matter what my biological parents did, or how they felt. I was just glad I ended up with the parents I had. And I didn’t look at it as being very different from being born. It’s kind of random, right? You don’t get to choose. So, I never worried about it. Because my mom and dad made such a big deal out of how much they loved me. How much they wanted me. It wasn’t, like, creepy, you know, where they acted like they were saints because they chose me or whatever. They just made it so clear that I was theirs.” She lowered her head. “But then when I didn’t have anyone... I realized how much I needed you.”

“You have us. Believe me, kid. You do. We are very glad that we found you. I know Landry never let go of you. And I didn’t either. Just in a different way than him. I kept you with me.”

“It’s really brave. I think. I always have. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings when I said that you didn’t want me. I know it wasn’t that. I always thought... If it ever happened to me, I’d want to be brave like you were. Be able to do the right thing.”

“Feel whatever you feel. Like Landry said before, when you’re thirteen, it’s completely all right to not know what you think or feel about anything. You don’t have to. We don’t know everything. Why should you?”

“I don’t know. I guess because it just feels like the last year I’ve had to take care of myself and figure out what I want. But you’re right. I didn’t choose it.”

“No. And it’s not what I would’ve chosen for you. But I am really grateful that you’re here. And I can feel both of those things. You can too.”

“Okay.”

They sat there for a while longer. “Do you like the birthday party?”

Lila nodded. “It hurt because it was too nice. Because it made me realize how much I want to be here.”

Fia wiped a tear off her own cheek. “I hope it shows you how much we want you here.”

Lila nodded.

“It’s time to open presents,” Fia said. “Are you ready?”

“Sure.”

“I think everyone got something for you.”

“His family is so great. So is yours.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I love them.”

She realized it was easier for Lila to say that than it was for her to say that she loved Landry and Fia. But Fia completely understood that. Aunts and uncles were something that people were used to having lots of. As far as parents went... That was a little different.

She could see that this whole thing was going to be a difficult process. Because of course it was. They were people. And all of this was not easy.

Then of course there was the added factor of her and Landry.

It hadn’t really hurt her feelings to hear all the things that he thought. She already knew them. She also knew that he had listened to what she’d said. And that was a start, maybe.

“Why don’t we bring everyone out here?” She was conscious of the fact that Lila would probably feel like a spectacle walking back into the house after having vanished.

“But aren’t the presents inside?”

“Not all of them,” Fia said. “You stand right here.”

She went into the house and grabbed Landry’s arm. “You and I will have to have a talk later. But don’t worry about anything for now.”

“You can’t just say don’t worry. That instantly makes me worry.”

“That’s not logical.”

“I’m beginning to understand this whole parenting thing is not that logical.”

“Well. No. But we can do the horse now.”

“Okay,” said Landry, addressing everyone in the room. “We got a very special gift for Lila for her birthday, but she’s going to open it outside.”

Gus took that as his cue and went outside with his truck keys.

Everybody else poured out of the house, and Landry and Fia went to where Lila was.

“We have something really special for you,” said Landry. “We can’t give you back all the things that you used to do. But we can do new things. We want to do new things.”

That was when Gus pulled his truck around from behind the house.

“Here we go,” said Landry.

He went over to the horse trailer and opened up the back.

And in the light shining from the porch, Fia could see the beautiful Appaloosa exit the trailer. The horse was so beautiful, honestly. She was a dream for anyone.

“What?” Lila asked.

“You love animals more than anyone I’ve ever met,” said Landry. “So I thought the best thing for you to have... We thought the best thing for you to have, would be a horse of your own.”

“Really? Are you kidding?”

“I’m not kidding. This is Genevieve. She’s kind of an old girl, but she’s even-tempered.”

“Let’s do some riding now,” said Daughtry, clearly ecstatic over the surprise for his niece.

“She can’t ride now, it’s dark.”

“I’ll just lead her around in a circle,” said Daughtry.

“Yeehaw,” said Justice, and his brothers set to work in all their enthusiasm.

Lila looked at him. “Can I?”

“Get on, scrap,” he said.

And Lila did.

Denver helped her up onto the horse, and Justice ended up leading her in a circle with a rope, like it was a kid’s party pony.

He stood back with Fia and watched.

“Well, here’s a first we’re getting to experience,” he said.

She touched his arm. “She was overwhelmed. Because she wants to stay with us. Because she’s afraid that...” Fia’s voice broke. “She did want us to find her, Landry. She felt so alone. She...”

Fia started to shatter. Started to cry. In the shadows, Landry wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. Like it was the easiest, most natural thing in the world. She melted into him, like she’d done it a million times. She had. It had just been so long ago, but it felt as right now as it had then.

“It’s okay,” he whispered against her temple, his breath hot on her skin.

“It’s not.” Fia gulped. “She was scared. And lonely. She needed us . She didn’t have anyone for a year. I’m just so sorry that she went through all of this. But so...so glad that she wants us. And it feels wrong to be glad about that.”

“Not wrong,” he said. “You love her.”

She nodded against his chest. And that was when she became aware of how strong he was. How good it felt to have them hold her. Landry had always felt like homecoming. He had always felt like the thing she wanted more than anything else.

She’d been apart from him for all this time. She’d been trying to weather all this pain without his arms around her. It had been the most unjust thing in the world. That she’d had to go through the worst pain of her life without him. That he’d caused her pain, and couldn’t be there to help her fix it. It was just so hard . It felt so good to be back with him. To be held by him.

She looked up, and again, their mouths were so close.

It was like they were the only two people then.

Like being fifteen then.

“Landry,” she whispered.

She heard a cheering sound, and they looked over in time to see that Daughtry had planted his hat on Lila’s head.

“There’s a whole audience over there,” whispered Landry.

“Yeah,” she said, stepping away from him.

“Let’s plan a horse ride with Lila. Maybe give it a couple days?”

“Yeah. Let’s do that.”

“I’ll see you then.”

“Yes.”

Like they were just civil acquaintances. Like they hadn’t both been looking at each other’s mouths.

And then he left her. Melted into the crowd watching Lila ride.

Fia stood back. Feeling torn, feeling separate. Wondering what all she was going to have to keep holding back to stay standing.

Because she couldn’t melt into Landry, no matter how much she wanted to.

She couldn’t give in to despair over what she felt for Lila. She had to be strong.

She’d been strong all this time.

She just had to keep doing it.