Hero for the Holidays (Four Corners Ranch #9)

Chapter Fourteen

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

T HE COUPLE OF days that Fia spent with Lila were great. Lila was in a little bit of an emotional state. After her breakdown on the swing, she’d been cheerful at the party, but teary, and that mood had continued over the next few days. But Fia didn’t mind babying her. It wasn’t exactly how she had imagined her intro into motherhood, but it was nice. To be able to care for her. To be needed.

She was an interesting kid. She overthought a lot of things. She cried over movies, but was far too interested in true crime for someone her age. She cared very deeply about animals, but also loved bacon. She talked quite a bit about her gecko and of course about Genevieve.

They had plans to go on a short trail ride today to get Lila used to her.

“Did you have a dog or cat before?” Fia asked, while they waited for Landry to show up with the horses.

She looked away. “Yeah. I had a dog named Sunday. But I couldn’t take her with me when I got moved into care. She went to a shelter.”

Fia kept thinking her heart had already broken enough times. But then something like this would prove to her that a heart was an endlessly breakable resource.

Lila, sweet, caring Lila who loved animals so much, had lost her dog along with her parents.

“Oh.”

“She was a lab. She was such a great dog.”

“Do you remember which shelter she went to?”

“Yeah. But it was a long time ago.”

Fia made a mental note that she was going to try to track that dog down. Of course, a well-behaved lab like that was likely snapped up quickly in a shelter, but she also knew that dogs went back to shelters often.

Landry texted her to check on Lila, and she ignored the way that her heart lifted.

Have a couple civil conversations with the guy, and it felt like she was back in high school.

Well. Not quite. She hadn’t ripped his clothes off. And in high school she would have definitely done that by now.

She ignored a pulse between her thighs.

Why had she told him that she hadn’t had sex since they’d been together? She had no idea why. Except she’d been so shocked by his admission that there had been so few women for him.

His brothers were registered hound dogs. She had kind of assumed that he was the same. She had let herself be wounded by it. Victimized herself often by imagining Landry seducing women and discarding them. Fortified herself with it. She had decided that it was best to think of him that way, so that she couldn’t actually feel jealousy.

But she wanted to know more. Why was hooking up not something he enjoyed?

If memory served—and she knew it did—he’d always had a very strong sex drive. Granted, he was a teenage boy, but he’d been a teenage boy when they’d broken up too. So it stood to reason he would go out and carve a swath through the willing populace with his penis.

It was just strange to her that he hadn’t. And continued to not.

She wanted to think that it was about her. That she had ruined him for other women.

She never let herself think she didn’t hook up because he’d ruined her for other men. She felt like the experience had ruined her for love. And casual sex was definitely not on the menu, considering she knew what the consequences could be. Considering she knew that she specifically lost her head when she was high on desire.

That had been what she told herself anyway.

But Landry...

And now she was fixating. Great.

That wasn’t healthy. Particularly when they needed to be fixating on their child .

Fia and Lila were sitting on the front steps of the farmhouse when Landry pulled up with the horses.

“There’s an easy trail we can take just off the dirt driveway,” she said. “We can ride around Sullivan’s Lake and back.”

She and Landry had spent a lot of time at Sullivan’s Lake. On the far side away from everyone, under the trees. She really needed to stop.

“Sounds good.” He got all three horses out of the trailer, and Fia smiled. It had been a long time since she’d been on a trail ride. Horses weren’t part of the daily life at Sullivan’s Point.

And in general, she was glad of that. It was a lot of maintenance.

But it would be nice to take a ride.

As for Landry...

She watched him help Lila up onto the back of Genevieve. And then he began to give her instructions

“This is an easy ride. She’s going to follow the trail. And you will be following my horse. Fia will be behind you.”

“Okay,” said Lila. “I’m good, Landry, you don’t need to worry.”

“It’s my job to worry about everything,” Landry said, grinning.

Fia was getting flushed, and she knew why.

It was sexy, watching Landry be so good with Lila. It was that dad energy. It was undeniably hot. A man being a caregiver.

But the other problem was that Landry himself was just undeniably hot.

His whole cowboy thing had always done stuff to her.

That white hat, his tight shirt. His tight jeans.

Standing next to the horse now, he looked at ease. In his natural element. And he was showing her, in a thousand different ways, that he was actually an amazing father.

Maybe he would’ve been a good one the whole time.

Maybe the problem was you.

That hurt. Jabbed her unexpectedly.

She had told him that she was good with complicated emotions. But there were some that she didn’t like.

“It’s a great day,” she said, overly cheerful.

“Yeah,” said Landry, looking at her with a funny expression on his face. “Great.”

Probably because he could tell that she was being overly bright for some reason. But didn’t quite know why.

She mounted her own horse, and they began to ride in single file.

Lila, for her part, was looking excited, all around. “I’m actually doing it,” she said. “I’m actually riding a horse.”

“Yeah, you are,” said Fia, feeling exceptionally proud.

Of all the things this girl had been through. Of all the things she had overcome. She was resilient.

She’s like you.

The unexpected nice thought about herself nearly sent her tumbling off her horse.

Maybe that was true. Maybe she had given her daughter something of herself other than that stubborn chin, her hair color and her eyes.

Maybe she got some resilience from her.

And what she really hoped was that Lila would never need that resilience because of her and Landry. Because God knew they’d both had to be resilient, in part because of their parents.

The scenery around them was beautiful. Familiar, but it made her ache every time.

There was something complicated about being a Sullivan. There always would be. Because her family legacy was this land. But it was also the people. Who had been imperfect. Difficult.

“Our families founded this ranch in the 1800s,” said Fia. “All together. And there have been a lot of different stories on this land. A lot of failures. A lot of triumphs. But it keeps going. It always keeps going.”

“Landry told me his ancestors were gamblers,” Lila said.

Fia looked over at Landry. “They were indeed.”

“How come your parents aren’t here?” Lila asked.

Fia looked at the scenery a bit more determinedly. “My dad moved to California. He wanted to live at the beach. He wanted to live with a woman who wasn’t my mom. There have been several other women since then. My mom ended up moving to Hawaii. She kind of lives in a commune? I don’t know. She’s happy. Actually, she’s happier now than I’ve ever known her to be.”

That had always made her feel a little bit torn. That her mom was happiest away from her kids. But the fact was, she just didn’t love the ranch. She never had.

“The ranch was my dad’s,” Fia continued. “The name was my dad’s. She couldn’t bear to still be here, living a life she hadn’t chosen. But Rory, Quinn and I, it’s in our blood. We love it. Alaina loves it too, but Gus is in her blood a lot more than this place. She’s a McCloud now.”

Landry looked behind her. “I guess that’s another problem we had. I never could’ve made you a King.”

He was teasing, but it made her chest feel sore. “Sullivan through and through,” she said.

He must’ve seen something in her eyes, something that made him want to look away, because then he did.

She tried to breathe past the tightness in her chest.

“When the Kings came out West,” said Landry, “the family had ten children. By the time they got here, two were left. It was a hard trek. The land cost them everything. And that was why they were so committed to it. It was on that drive out West, through all that adversity, that the families met. And I think we stuck together more out of sheer stubbornness than anything else.”

“Wow,” said Lila. “They lost eight children. That’s so sad. Is that why they started...all the gambling and stuff?”

“I think so,” Landry said. “I think they’d done good their whole lives and suffered hardship anyway. I think they lost touch with what they believed in. Life was hard then. It’s a different kind of hard now. When you really believe in something, you fight for it.” He paused. “I don’t know that I would’ve fought for it at the expense of my children, though.”

“They didn’t know,” said Fia. “They didn’t know before they started out, and after they’d made it out here, losing so much... They had to make it worth it.”

He’d never thought of it that way. It gave him a little more compassion for how his family had started out. They’d lost what mattered. They’d lost family. Maybe that was why money had become more important later on.

“That’s true,” he said.

“You know so much family history,” said Lila. “I never knew any. I mean of the Gates family.”

“I’m sure they have some.”

“It was tough. They both made breaks from their family. There was no contact. Because their families were so toxic.”

Landry exchanged a glance with her. Probably due to their own toxicity with each other. Well, and with their parents too undoubtedly. Landry was definitely no contact.

“So they just didn’t really act like our family history mattered much. Because they were making a new legacy with me.”

“You are definitely that, Lila,” Landry said, his voice getting rough. “You’re their legacy. The legacy of lives very well lived, even if they were too short. Because you are very cool.”

“Yes, you are,” Fia agreed.

They rode on until they reached the lake. Lila took her shoes off and stepped cautiously toward the water’s edge like she was considering testing the temperature.

Landry and Fia hung back with the horses, settled under the trees.

“How are you after the other night?” he asked.

“Emotionally damaged.” She smiled. “But what else is new?”

He chuckled. “Absolutely nothing.” She felt a pull toward him. She looked into his eyes, then down at his mouth.

Again.

Like a magnet.

Like it was inevitable.

“Fia,” he whispered.

“Don’t,” she said. “Landry, everything is going really well.”

“I know.” But they wanted each other. There was no point pretending or trying to hide it. They wanted each other, and there wasn’t a hell of a lot of anything they could do about it. It just was. It sat between them. Obvious and strong.

“Think of all we gave up for her to get to this point,” Fia said. “Think of all we gave up when we didn’t have her. What are you willing to give up now that she’s here?”

“I’d give up anything,” he said.

“Me too.”

Lila came scrambling out of the lake after about five minutes of being ankle deep. “It’s so cold.”

“Yes, and it stays that way until it gets miserably hot around here,” Fia said.

She was grateful when Landry moved away from her. Grateful when she could breathe again. The ride back was nice. Quieter. And Landry loaded the horses up and drove them back, while she and Lila spent the rest of the afternoon at the farmhouse, until it was time for Lila to go back home. She wanted something more. She wanted to not feel like the secondary parent. Especially after the conversation she and Lila had had, she wanted her to feel like she had a more permanent place at Fia’s house. Maybe that could be a topic of conversation for her and Landry sometime over the next couple of days.

She’d already weaseled him into letting her stay the night so maybe...well, maybe they could talk about the balance of things now.

When it was time for her to head back to Landry’s—and Gort the gecko—Fia packed everything into the car, and they drove over together.

When she walked in, Landry was standing at the stove with a dish towel thrown over his shoulder. He was literally wearing an apron. And he could not have looked hotter.

Was she really no better than this? She had made all that commentary about women needing to be complex. About maturity and all of that.

And here she was. Drooling over him like she had back then.

Like she was the same. When she needed to be different.

Because if she was the same, then maybe she wasn’t up to any of this.

She needed to be better and different. It was important. Very important. She had to keep Lila’s needs elevated above her own. She had lived on the same ranching land as Landry all this time, and she had managed not to fixate. She had managed to not check him out, she had managed to not be a slave to her baser desires.

So, like, what the hell, man?

“Hey,” he said. “Glad you’re back. Will you stay for dinner, Fia?”

“Yeah, Fia,” said Lila, fixing her with her intense teenage stare.

“Sure,” she said. “I’d love to.”

Even though she needed distance. She couldn’t deny Lila. Lila wanted to spend time with her. And that was sweet. It was lovely. She knew more about what Lila wanted and thought about them than Landry, though, as far as she knew.

She was caught sometimes between keeping Lila’s confidence on that, and talking to Landry.

If they were a couple, she would’ve had to tell him. They weren’t, though, so she had kept it a secret like Lila had asked her to.

“What are you making?”

“Well, it’s no topless chicken pie,” he said. “I’m just pan-frying a couple of steaks.”

“You ever have your cholesterol checked, Landry?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Cream and beef does a body good.”

Well, it certainly did his body good, though she didn’t want to say that. She shouldn’t have even thought it.

“I worry for him,” said Lila.

“Fia probably doesn’t. She probably wishes I’d drop dead.”

Lila went white-faced.

“Sorry,” said Landry. “I’m sorry.”

Lila shook her head. “It’s okay.”

He moved away from the stove and went over to hug her. The tender gesture made Fia shiver.

“Sorry that he’s so insensitive,” said Fia.

Lila laughed. “He is, though. Though he did tell me that a bobcat probably wouldn’t eat me. Only a bear would. He thought that was pretty tender parenting.”

“I’m just being honest,” he said. “And I think that living in the wilderness hinges on honesty when it comes to animal-related injuries and devourings. You don’t need to worry about being eaten by a bobcat. At least not in your entirety. Bears, cougars, I would worry a little bit more.”

“Wolves?” Fia asked.

“There aren’t enough wolves to concern yourself with,” he said.

“I don’t know,” said Fia. “I feel quite concerned with wolves. All fairy tales suggest we ought to be.”

“I think those wolves might be a metaphor,” he said.

“For what?” she asked.

He looked at Fia, his blue eyes blazing into hers, and he lifted a brow. And it was like he had spoken the words. He didn’t need to. But they expanded inside her all the same.

All the better to eat you with.

Yeah. She knew exactly what it was a metaphor for. She knew exactly what young girls were being warned about when walking in the woods. And it certainly wasn’t bobcats.

After all, walking to a cabin in the woods had been Fia’s downfall. She had definitely let the big bad wolf eat her.

And the way he was looking at her now?

Lord.

“I should be having my background check completed in a couple of days.”

“Great,” said Landry.

“So it should be full speed ahead for us to be both adopting Lila.”

“That’s so weird,” said Lila. “I’m getting adopted twice. And this time it’s by my biological parents.”

“Life is weird,” said Landry. “That’s for sure.”

“I think it would be more believable if I were a secret princess.”

“It’s definitely believable,” said Landry. “A secret princess with a throne made of stuffed animals and the gecko adviser.”

“Gort is a lousy adviser. Because he cares about nothing and no one but himself. And crickets,” Lila said.

“Well. Of course crickets. Though he hardly cares about them in a way that’s good for their health.”

“That is true.”

They had the pan-fried steak and green beans, and Lila went upstairs to go spend time with her lizard. Fia tarried. Even though she didn’t have a reason to.

“Want to sit outside for a spell?” he asked.

Somewhere in there, she should feel like there was a warning. Because she knew better than to go sitting outside on porch swings with Landry King. Because it was those hot blue eyes that had caused her all manner of trouble in the first place. But here they were, grappling with something entirely new, entirely different. So why did some of the feelings in her now feel so...familiar. Old.

The image had flashed through her mind before. Of their anger getting scraped aside. Demolished. And when that happened, it was unveiling some of the desire.

That old need that used to consume her, control her. They couldn’t afford that. But she still said yes.

“Drink?”

“Sure.” At the same time her subconscious told her no.

But she accepted a bottle of beer from him, and they went out and sat. “How were the last couple of days?”

“Good. They were very good. You know... This has been amazing. I’m starting to feel like it’s real. It’s taking time. I don’t know if this is a honeymoon or what. But I like it. She told me today that when her parents died she had a dog named Sunday. And that Sunday had to go to the shelter. I want to try to track her down. I mean, I know that there are very low odds that she’s in the shelter network anywhere. But I do want to know where she ended up. Because I think it would be good for Lila to know she’s okay.”

“We should get her a dog.”

“Yeah. We should. We can do that.”

They rocked back and forth. In theory, now, they had nothing in common except for Lila. Except they lived on this ranch. Worked on this ranch. She knew he’d been with three women besides her. He knew she’d been with only him.

“So the barn, you’re renovating it... I do want to invest in it.”

“You do?”

“Yes. I was just bitter at you because you gave me grief over the farm store.”

“Is that all you were bitter at me about?”

“No,” she said. “But you know that. I... Why did you do that? With the farm store. Why were you trying to get in the way?”

“I was being serious. I wasn’t doing anything to you.”

“I have a hard time believing that.”

“Well, it’s true. I swear, anything to do with the ranch, I would never let our business get in the way of it. I told you, Fia. For the most part, I let myself be cold where you were concerned. And that included anything to do with the ranch. If I had thought that we could make room in the budget to finance the farm store, I would’ve said.”

“But your brother is rich.”

“Yes. And it’s up to him what he wants to dump that money into.”

All right. Fair. She felt slightly cowardly that she had been behaving out of pettiness, while he had not.

While he had been sincere in his objections to the farm store.

“I’m doing it for Lila,” he said. “Like I said, Denver has money, but he can spend it on what he wants. It’s not up to him to finance Lila’s education. But I want to. I want to leave her something significant.”

“It’s not just going to be you. It’s going to be me too.”

“Well, in that way, it’s the collective, isn’t it?”

She nodded. “Except in this case is just you and me.”

“True.”

“I didn’t know that you had dreams for expanding King’s Crest. Have you always?”

He shook his head. “No. For a long time, I wanted to survive. And then I wanted to keep toiling here out of spite. So yeah, I guess I did do some things out of spite. I wanted to show our dad that we could make it better than him. The legendary man himself couldn’t do a better job taking care of this place, and we could. And we did that. Then, I started to realize I might need to want more. Because I had a kid. A kid to leave a legacy to.”

“So this whole time you’d been out here just trying to prove to your dad that he wasn’t that great?”

“Yes. And I get that that’s stupid. Because he’s never going to believe that. He’s always going to see it as his foundation. So everything that came after it is his too. Just like we are. That’s just how he is. He’s never going to be anything more than that. He’s never going to see it as anything more than that.”

“My dad just never even thinks about us. I don’t think he has ever once looked back. And my mom was just so devastated she couldn’t handle it. I tried to have some sympathy for her for a long time. I tried to frame it as her sort of doing the opposite of what I did with Lila. She removed herself because she was on fire inside our house. Does that make sense? She was so devastated by the divorce that she couldn’t be the best version of herself here. So she had to go off and find something new and different. To be better. Because her being there didn’t benefit us anymore. But now I look at Lila, and I just don’t see it that way. I would never...” She looked up and their eyes met. “Whatever we do, it has to be for Lila.”

He nodded slowly. “Agreed.”

“We have to try. To do better. To be better.”

“Definitely.”

But the whole time she looked at him, she couldn’t help but have her gaze drawn to his mouth. She couldn’t help but feel a stir low in her stomach. And it was so wrong. It could not happen.

Because she would never be her mother. Not ever. She would never leave her child because she couldn’t deal with something.

“This is why I avoid you,” he said.

Damn him. For speaking the truth of the attraction into the space. Her making it impossible to deny. For making it clear.

“I mean, not the only reason,” he said. “But definitely one. We both know it’s not the best idea. In fact, I believe that we just discussed this earlier today.”

“In general, yes. But right now? It’s actually the worst idea. Impossible.”

“Damn straight,” he said.

“But why don’t you like to hook up?”

He laughed, and lifted his beer bottle to his lips. “Well, that is a loaded question.”

“Is it? Because you threw it out there.”

“Days ago,” he said, as if that would mean she wasn’t thinking about it on loop all day every day since.

“But I’ve been thinking about it,” she said. “And don’t tell me you haven’t been thinking about what I said too.”

“Maybe we need to make a deal that we only talk about Lila.”

“Too late,” she said.

He looked at her, his gaze hot. Searing, even, and part of her wanted to run. While another part of her wanted to lean in. All the way in.

“Fine. I don’t like to hook up because it has never felt the same. And I compare every woman that I look at to you. And that’s the problem. I told myself that I hated you. I think it was close enough to being true. But the problem is that I never stopped wanting you. Even with all the anger that I felt. I wanted you. Even with all the hard feelings, I wanted you. I’ve never been able to be neutral. I tried. I told myself I was just different than my brothers. Not everyone likes casual sex. But the truth is I see a woman, and no matter how beautiful she is, she’s not you. I kiss a woman, and it’s not us . Sex just feels...like a shadow of what we had, and it makes me ache for something we can’t get back to. I hated the way that felt. It wasn’t worth getting off.”

She tried to breath. It was almost impossible.

“Maybe now will be different. Maybe now that we kind of peeled back some of the layers. Demystified it. Maybe we were stuck. Like you said, you hadn’t ever thought of Lila’s adoption in a new way because you were stuck at seventeen. Maybe we were stuck, and now we won’t be.”

“Will it be different for you? Because there hasn’t been anybody .”

That bastard Landry King.

She cleared her throat. “Yeah. I know. Because like I said, it’s different for women. It’s not just about whether or not I’ll enjoy it—but I might not, satisfaction not guaranteed. I have to actually worry about so much more. About the potential for being a victim of violence, about pregnancy. And it has never felt like something I wanted to jump back into. I get that this isn’t... It’s not the way people want it to be. But there are too many deep consequences and worries women have to bear alone for it to be as casual as it can be for you, and we might not even come.” She tried to laugh. “And I am far too familiar with some of the consequences.”

He nodded slowly. “Yeah, I get that. I really do. But all this time, and you haven’t found anyone else? You’re not sixteen anymore.”

“I know. But maybe...maybe what you said is also a little bit true for me. I can’t imagine feeling the way that I used to, and you know what, I’m not sure that I want to. There’s a...cost benefit analysis here that I can’t make math out. I feel very much like I’m the kind of person that loses her head with men. So maybe I’m just not allowed to.”

“With men. So you think it would be the same with any man as it is with me?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t disproven that theory. So it really could be.” She leaned back against the porch swing. “Maybe men are just my Achilles’ heel in general.”

“Bullshit,” he said. “You’ve resisted every man who has crossed your path. Except one.”

“A testament to my strong will.”

“Right. And do you look at other men and feel what you do for me?”

“Sawyer Garrett’s pretty hot.”

“That’s not what I’m asking you, Fia. When you look at Sawyer, does he make your breath go shallow?” He looked at her, his eyes getting intense. “Does he make your stomach tight, your heart flutter?” As he spoke, those very things began to happen to her. “Does he make you wet?”

Damn.

She nearly inhaled her beer. “Landry,” she said, looking over her shoulder, as if Lila could come walking out at any moment.

“It’s an honest question, Fia. Because I seem to recall you whispering that to me after school one day. That you were wet from looking at me. From imagining what we were going to do later.”

“I was an idiot. I was young. And I don’t even remember that.”

“I do. In detail. Because I remember all of it. I remember how much you wanted me. I remember how much I wanted you.”

And she felt herself getting wet now. She felt that tug of arousal between her thighs, felt like she’d been shot clean through with an arrow.

It was disturbing. He was damned disturbing.

Also, it was the hottest thing she’d experienced in over thirteen years. So she wasn’t rushing to get away.

“We agreed this was a bad idea.”

“We are not known for making great decisions with each other.”

“No, we aren’t,” she said. “Which is why it should be a no.”

And she shouldn’t be excited by it. This little detour from the straight and narrow. But dammit all if Landry didn’t tempt her, and if he didn’t make temptation seem like an event in and of itself.

“Maybe. But I’m staying over here. I’m keeping my hands to myself.”

“Bastard.”

That bastard Landry King.

“You’re so pretty. I haven’t let myself really look at you for quite a while.”

She felt a hitch of offense in her chest. She wanted to push at him. Push against that.

“Really?” she asked. “I look at you all the time. It’s fascinating. Because I know your body. I know it better than I know my own. But I also know that you’ve changed. You’re not a kid anymore. I wonder all the ways in which you might be different.”

“There you go,” he said, his voice husky. “That’s the Fia I know. Never back down from a challenge.”

She met his gaze. “Are you hard?”

He growled, turning to face her, his full focus on her now. Arousal in his blue eyes. “Yes.”

“Good.”

He didn’t look down. Didn’t look away. Didn’t look ashamed.

“Are you wet for me, Fia?”

She tried not to look shocked. She tried to keep her eyes on his.

“Yes,” she said, squeezing her thighs together and shifting her hips.

“Good. When you get back home tonight, I want you to go upstairs, take off all your clothes, and get in bed. Open your thighs wide and touch yourself. Use your fingers. Think about me.”

She bit the inside of her cheek. “What if I use a vibrator?”

He let his head fall back. “Yeah. Do that. You got a big one?”

She smiled, even though she felt like she was being tortured. “I didn’t see any point downgrading myself from my real-life lover.”

“So it’s big, then.”

Yes, it was. And she had always felt like she deserved the indulgence. Because she might not have wanted to go out and find another lover, but that didn’t mean she didn’t have a sex drive. She had a decent one, thank you.

“Does that mean I can demand that you take a shower and move your hands all over your own body?” she asked. “Wrap your hand around yourself and imagine that you’re inside me?”

“Yes,” he said, the word nearly feral.

“We shouldn’t touch each other.”

“No one’s touching anyone,” he said.

“No. Because that would be a bad idea,” she said.

“It would be a very bad idea.”

She was so turned on and she couldn’t see straight. She wanted to stay with him, and she wanted to leave, and she could tell by the glint in his eye that he was caught between the same competing needs. To go satisfy himself, and to marinate in this moment.

It was not ideal.

“I guarantee you,” he said. “That when I come tonight it’s going to be better than any of the sex I’ve had in thirteen years.”

“Except no one will get hurt.”

“Yeah.”

Were they lying to themselves?

She knew they were.

Why was she drawn to him like this? Why did she want him like this? Why couldn’t it be someone else? Anyone else. Sawyer Garrett was hot. And yes, he was married now, but it could’ve been him. It could’ve been any number of hot men on the ranch. It could’ve been some of the ranch hands. Men from town. But no one had ever gotten her going the way that Landry did.

It was easy for her to marinate on the emotional scars that he’d left behind. The truth was, she’d done a lot of that. She thought a lot about the feelings. Because thinking about the sex was dangerous. Thinking about the feelings made her want to run from him and never speak to him. It made her want to never reconcile with him.

Thinking about the sex? That made things feel a lot more questionable.

It made her feel a lot weaker.

It made her feel a lot more susceptible to making very poor decisions.

Because she was only a woman after all. A flesh and blood woman looking at the finest damned man she’d ever seen in her life.

And she knew full well it was about more than just the physical shape of his face—though it was perfect—or his body, though that was perfect too. She knew full well it was chemistry. Strong, undeniable chemistry that they could not reason on out or rationalize.

Which was really damned annoying.

“I’m going to go,” she said.

“Text me,” he said.

“Okay.”

She drove home, and then she followed his explicit instructions, shuddering out his name when she came.

And then she did in fact text him.

Fuck you.

Good girl.

She shoved her phone under her pillow, and pretended that she was awash only in shame. And not excitement. Not the greatest sexual peak she’d experienced in years.

There was no room in her life for this right now. This was a one-off. Everything between them had to be about Lila. It was the only thing that would work.

They had just been talking about their families tonight. Lila could never feel insecure the way that they had. She could never feel like the kid that Fia had been. That peacekeeper trying to move back and forth between two parents who just hated each other.

And Fia could never be her mother.

This woman who had self-immolated when she had children to take care of. This woman who had surrendered all of her happiness, all of her everything to a man instead of being there for her children.

Hell. She was still doing that.

There was a reason that Fia had never confided in her.

Bitterly, sitting there in bed, naked and slightly ashamed of herself, she let that truth wash over her.

She hadn’t been able to confide in her mother.

She hoped that Lila would confide in her. No matter what. No matter what the issue was. She needed her to. Wanted it more than anything.

She wanted to be better. Do better. For her child.

It was the single most important thing to her.

It was so damned important.

And this... This had been an aberration.

At least she and Landry hadn’t touched each other. They hadn’t crossed that line. And they wouldn’t. She would make sure that they didn’t.

Because it would be a very, very bad idea.

And definitely not one they could afford.

So she decided to ignore this. Pretended it hadn’t happened.

It was what Landry had done to her all these years.

She had to protect herself. That was the thing. And she couldn’t regret it.