His Secret

37. Matías

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

MATíAS

I don’t know what happened to Adrian in such a short amount of time, but he’s changed. It’s been just over a week since he fled from my room, telling me he needs a break. He hardly texts me back, and when he does it’s with short messages. I’ve only seen him in passing twice on campus. Both times, he was surrounded by a group of at least seven, and I didn’t want to shove my way through and cause a scene.

We’re not in any classes together, so my chances to see him are even lower.

He’s still saying he needs time, but I think it’s clear he’s made a decision. After deep sadness for the first few days, all I could feel was anger. And now I’m just confused.

I wasn’t forcing him to come out. I told him I was willing to wait—that I was okay with the secrecy and sneaking around. I’ve been so happy with him, I didn’t care that I was a secret. I’d continue to be his secret, but I hoped there’d be a future where that wasn’t necessary.

One day, I see him with a girl, his arm wrapped around her shoulders as his friends hang around. The next day, I see him with the same girl, their positioning close as they speak. She’s all giggles and he’s nothing but smiles.

I text him from class.

What are you doing? Are you trying to hurt me on purpose?

His response doesn’t come for another hour. Something else that’s new. He’d always be quick to respond to me.

What are you talking about?

Who’s the girl you keep hanging out with? Is this the person you’re pretending to date now?

Again, almost forty minutes goes by before he replies.

I told you I needed to do this.

I don’t bother replying again. He’s on a mission to end this, so I should just let him. But part of me hopes he’ll come to his senses. That he’ll miss me .

A month goes by, and with me no longer reaching out, he’s stopped texting me altogether. I have to watch from a distance when he leans in to kiss some girl on the forehead. I have to nearly bump into him and said girl when I exit the coffee shop on campus one day. And maybe worst of all, I have to endure the moment he looked at me and pretended he didn’t know who I was. He uttered a “My bad, man,” like I was a random student. Not someone he’s cuddled with. Not someone he’s kissed or fucked. Not someone he’s loved. I was spared a passing glance before he walked away, arm around a girl who doesn’t know the real him.

I’ve been used and discarded. He wanted to experiment. He told me that in the beginning—when we were just friends. College is for experimenting and having fun. I just never thought what we had was only that. But now he’s gotten it out of his system, and I’ll just be that thing he tried in college.

I become morose. I was never very social to begin with, but I feel even less so now. I go to class, I eat, I go to my room. I no longer have that friendship group I had when I was with Adrian. I hardly even see his friends now, and it’s a stark reminder that they were always his friends. They tolerated me because I was friends with Adrian. But I had a taste of what it was like to be normal . To have people to hang out with, parties to go to, and dinners to share with friends. Now it’s been stripped away and now that I know what it’s like to have those things, the absence of it is worse.

The remaining months of the school year are awful. Even though I see him with his friends and girls from time to time, I never think to find someone else. I don’t have it in me, and it hurts that he seems to be just fine.

So I decide, from here on out, I’ll be detached. Maybe it’ll save me from future heartbreak. I won’t allow this to happen again. I clearly can’t trust anyone. Love means nothing. Apparently you can say you love someone and still hurt them beyond repair. The pain is worse coming from someone who isn’t supposed to hurt you. If I never love anyone or let them love me, then if it falls apart, it won’t be as bad.

I’ll be the one in control now.