His Secret

54. Adrian

CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR

ADRIAN

My emotions drive me, sending me across the lawn and into my house where I know it’s time to finally have this conversation. I can’t take it anymore.

“Charlotte. Charlotte!” I call, getting louder each time. “Charlotte!”

“What’s going on?” she says, coming down the stairs with a furrow in her brow.

“We need to talk.”

“Adrian, not right now,” she starts, turning around to head back up.

“No, right this second,” I yell. “We’ve been avoiding each other and it’s not helping the situation.” I take a breath and try to calm down. “Please. I need to tell you something.”

She stops, looks at me with some apprehension, but comes down the steps.

I choose to sit at the dining room table and wait for her to take her seat on the opposite side.

“What is it?” she asks, her voice a little shaky.

I take a breath and stare into her eyes.

“I want you to know that I care about you so much. You’re exceptionally strong and smart, and capable of anything you put your mind to. I’m proud of you and your growth. You’ve gone through things I couldn’t imagine, and?—”

“Adrian, please,” she says, her voice cracking. “What are you saying?”

“Charlotte, we were forced together by our parents. They used me to keep you in line, to watch over you, to be the father of a child everyone knew wasn’t mine. Your father cared more about his business dealings than your well-being. He was embarrassed and didn’t want you to taint his name and what he had going on with my father. And my father,” I say, voice cutting out. “He was also embarrassed of me. He hated who I was. Who I am. And this was the perfect way of getting what he wanted from me.”

“I don’t understand,” she says, shaking her head slightly.

“I’m gay, Charlotte.” I let the words sit there, and she stares at me with wide eyes, her lips parted. “He’s known since I was in college. He told me I couldn’t be gay and still be a part of his family. He told me he’d cut me off. I’d have no money, no job, no future. He threatened the guy he knew I was with back then. Said he’d make sure he couldn’t get the job he wanted. He forced us apart and continued to control me by ensuring I needed him. He paid for everything. My car, apartment, phone bill. When I first started working for him, he took chunks of my check for the things he already paid for. It took a long time to save enough to be able to be on my own.”

Her fingers come to her lips, hand shaking as tears brim in her eyes. “What?” Her voice is barely above a whisper.

“I’m sorry, Charlotte. I couldn’t tell you. I never told anyone.”

“You couldn’t tell me?” she questions. “You married me!”

“Because I had to, just like you had to marry me. You didn’t love me. You didn’t want me. We were told what was expected of us, and considering we were both dependent on our parents, we didn’t have a choice. We had a good friendship. We got along, we laughed, and we tried. You have to know I tried, Charlotte. I tried to let our relationship develop into something I knew wasn’t possible. But there’s no denying it wasn’t perfect.”

She stares at me for a long time, her lips still parted in surprise.

“I love you, though.”

The words are like little daggers aimed at my heart. “And I love you.” The pause is long, stretching between us as we study each other.

“But,” we both say at the same time.

I tilt my head, my lips pulling down in the corners. “Not the way someone should love their spouse.”

A sole tear falls from her eye, rolling down her cheek. She leaves it there for a few seconds before swiping it away.

“I don’t know what this means. I don’t know what to say or what to expect. I moved here with you. I…I don’t have anyone else. You’ve ruined everything.”

She gets up and rushes upstairs. I follow her, taking them two at a time, then find her in our room where she’s changing out of her pajama pants.

“Charlotte. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t keep living a lie. It was killing me to let my father have control over my life. I want to be able to live my life the way I want, not how he’s orchestrated, and you deserve the same.”

She buttons her jeans and shoves her feet into a pair of sneakers. “Oh, please. Don’t pretend like you thought about me at all in this scenario.”

“What did you want me to do? Continue to lie to myself? To you? Stay in this marriage even though I’m not?— ”

I stop myself, realizing how the end of that sentence will sound. I’m not trying to be harsh, but honesty hurts sometimes.

“Not what?” she questions, her eyes still wet. “Not attracted to me? Not in love with me?”

“I think you’re beautiful, but?—”

“Don’t,” she says with a bite, holding her hand out.

“Our last fight was over how many times we’ve had sex. That’s how our marriage would be forever. I can’t make you feel the way you want. People have the need to feel desired, and I can’t give that to you.”

She scoffs, rushing past me to go back downstairs. After finding her purse, she takes the keys and bounds through the front door.

“Charlotte. We need to talk about this,” I say, following her out.

“You’ve said enough, Adrian. I don’t think I can handle you continuing to tell me you don’t love me or find me attractive.”

I sigh, finding myself frustrated, but trying to understand that she’s angry and hurt.

“I didn’t say either of those things and you know it. You’re stunning, but I’m not wired to appreciate it the way I should. It’s not just you, Charlotte.”

She yanks open the car door and throws her purse inside. “You’ve just completely upturned my life. I can’t even look at you right now.”

Before I can say anything else, she’s inside the car and slamming the door closed. I watch her reverse and take off down the street, hoping like hell that she stays safe.

I drop down onto the front steps and run my hands through my hair. A minute later, I hear the sound of steps on the grass .

Looking up, I find Matías watching me with an expression of sympathy.

I sigh, my shoulders dropping as emotion hits hard. My own tears well in my eyes, and Matías rushes over, sitting next to me on the steps. He wraps his arms around me and I melt into him, lost in the sound of his heartbeat.

“She said I ruined her life.”

He squeezes me tighter, kissing the top of my head. “She’s upset. She’ll realize later that what you did was set her free. You’ve both been trapped.”

“I didn’t even tell her about us.” I pull away. “Should I? She was already so hurt.”

He shakes his head slightly. “I don’t know.”

“I’m sorry for yelling and storming off earlier. I’m really on a roll tonight.”

“You’re fine,” he says, taking my hand in his and rubbing the top of it with the fingers from his other hand. “I’m sorry, too. The impromptu meeting with your father had me in a mood, and his words burrowed into my head, and I wondered if I should let you explore yourself. If that was the right thing to do.”

I shake my head. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. I don’t even know what to do next. I can tell my dad that I told her. She’ll soon tell her own parents, and then my mom will know, and I’ll have to talk to my sister.” I sigh. “And then, I don’t know. She may move back to Chicago.”

“Yeah, you’ve got a lot going on.”

My phone rings from inside, so I jump up to get it.

“You can come in. I’ll be right back,” I say, rushing to the kitchen where I left it.

I don’t recognize the number, and I’m suddenly worried it’s a hospital or the cops.

“Hello? ”

“Mr. Kennedy?”

“Yeah?” I ask, looking across the house at Matías as he steps in.

“Do you have a few minutes?”

“Yeah, what’s going on? What happened?”

Matías walks a little closer, his face a mirror of what I imagine mine looks like.

“My name’s Raphael. I’m from Liberty Mortgage, and we’d?—”

“Oh, fuck off,” I say before ending the call. Matías cocks his head. “Fucking scam calls.”

Matías visibly relaxes and we both begin to laugh.

“Jesus Christ. I thought it was gonna be bad.”

“You’re gonna have to block that number.”

“I’ve blocked three already. They’re so fucking annoying.”

I pull at my tie, then unbutton my shirt before taking them both off and tossing them onto the back of one of the dining room chairs. I finally toe off my work shoes, leaving them in the kitchen.

“Well, I guess I’m gonna go,” Matías says, taking a couple steps backward. “If you need to take off tomorrow, that’s fine. Let me know and I’ll cover for you.”

I walk him toward the front door. “Thanks. Yeah, I’m not sure what will be best in this situation. To stay here and argue about it all day, or leave and let her cool off until she’s ready to talk.”

“Just let me know.”

I nod, stopping a couple steps from the door. “Thank you.”

“I’m sorry it didn’t go over well.”

“I guess I didn’t really expect that it would.”

“Like I said, you’re giving her a chance at a life she deserves. To find someone who can love her the way she wants.”

I rest my hand on the doorknob. “I thought I was doing that for you, too. But you know how much I hurt you. How mad you were at me and for how long. I’ve just done the same thing to her.”

His brows knit together. “You thought you were giving me an opportunity at something better?”

“You deserved better than what I could’ve given you back then…which was nothing.”

“I had everything I needed with you. I told you I was willing to wait.”

I grab his hand and squeeze it. “It’s amazing.”

“What is?” he asks with a smile.

“How all this time can pass, and yet, I still look at you and feel exactly as I did when I was twenty-one.”

His expression changes slightly, smile falling, eyes widening. “The same way?”

I step forward, grabbing the side of his face with one hand and pressing my mouth to his. I give him a couple quick kisses. “Maybe not exactly the same. Maybe more.”

Matías wraps his arm around me, pulling me into him as he deepens the kiss. After a minute, he pulls away.

“Maybe we should discuss this more later.”

I nod. “Yes, we should.”

“Okay. Well, I’m gonna go.”

He opens the door and steps onto the porch.

“You make me feel like everything’s gonna be okay,” I tell him as he walks down the steps.

He turns around and looks up at me. “It will be.” Matías winks, his teeth pulling his bottom lip into his mouth briefly.

“God,” I say, grinning like a fool, three tiny words on the tip of my tongue as I stare down at his handsome face. “You drive me crazy.”

He chuckles, but turns and heads back to his house. I watch him the entire way, only going inside once I can’t see him anymore.

I flop onto the couch with a sigh, feeling split down the middle. I’m elated to have Matías, but I’m nowhere near in the clear when it comes to Charlotte, or even when it comes to coming out to everyone I know.

There’s a tiny, pin-prick of light at the end of the tunnel, but the journey seems long.

The doorknob turns and the door opens, making me whip around to face it.

Charlotte stands there, her expression a mix of shock and sadness.

“Are you fucking him?”