His Tiny Sun

Chapter 5 - Never Again

CHAPTER 5

Never Again

Fucking Eric.

Jonah slammed his car door, buckled his seatbelt, turned the ignition, and left.

Forever.

He’d been determined to tell Eric it was over the night before, but then the manipulative bastard had convinced him to stay with those fucking doe eyes and that fucking tongue of his. It was the last time Jonah fell for that trick, though; he was never setting foot in that apartment again.

Fuck loneliness. He’d just have to avoid those parties Eric attended from now on. Find some good porn to jerk off to. Spend more time at the gym. Get a new hobby. He’d be fine.

Jonah slowly calmed down as he drove back home. Just as he pulled into the driveway, Alan popped into his head. It was a shame he’d never get to see him again, except in passing at the café. Their short moment spent together this morning had left him more relaxed than he’d been in a while, which was surprising considering the show they were watching. Jonah had been avoiding it ever since he had a panic attack from just seeing the cover image on his streaming app four years ago.

It actually felt good—almost healing—to get to watch the opening sequence again after all that time. It made him realize all the progress he’d made.

And then, of course, Eric had to be an ass and ruin that moment for him.

Jonah got out of his car and made his way toward the door, then suddenly froze and patted his pockets with an exasperated groan. “Fucking hell!”

He’d forgotten his wallet in Eric’s room.

Jonah contemplated declaring all his IDs and credit cards stolen and requesting new ones in the mail, but even if it wasn’t a stupid idea, the mere thought of Eric looking through his wallet gave Jonah the determination he needed to get into his car and drive back to that cursed place. Maybe, if he were quick enough, he’d get there before Eric noticed that Jonah’s wallet was still sitting on his desk.

All the tension that had left Jonah’s shoulders on the way home had built back up by the time he reached Eric’s apartment building. He parked on the street, then exhaled a sigh of relief when he saw that Eric’s car wasn’t in their parking spot. Dealing with Alan would be a much less frustrating experience.

Jonah walked into the building and up the stairs, then knocked on the door and waited.

And waited.

He knocked again and pressed his ear to the door, but there were no sounds coming from the other side. Was Alan wearing his headphones? Or worse, had they both left?

Fucking hell.

Jonah took out his phone and reluctantly called Eric. He would have preferred never hearing his stupid voice again, but sending him a text wouldn’t do; Eric took on average four hours to respond—eight when he was butt hurt.

Jonah let out a frustrated groan when his call was sent to voicemail. Of course the bastard would be ignoring him. There was no way Jonah would call him again, though. He refused to let Eric believe he was desperate.

Fucking hell.

Jonah pressed his forehead against the door and sighed. He couldn’t just wait there until one of them came back; how pathetic would that look?

He tried the doorknob, just in case, but it was indeed locked.

As soon as he got out of this mess, Jonah would go online and watch videos on how to pick locks. These buildings were old and cheap—no landlord invested large sums in apartments that were certain to be rented by neglectful students. Surely, it would have been easy for Jonah to break in if he knew what he was doing.

Jonah cursed under his breath when he realized how unsafe living here was. Eric could defend himself, but Alan…

Alan !

Jonah took out his phone and accessed Eric’s social media 1 account, then looked through his list of friends. He located the picture of a smiling Alan and tapped the icon next to it to send him a friend request. To his supreme relief, Alan accepted almost instantly.

? Jonah Delamare: Hey, I’m sorry for contacting you like this but I forgot my wallet at your place and Eric isn’t picking up my calls. Are you nearby?

? Alan Thomas: Hi! :) No worries, I was already on my way back home.

Thank God.

? Alan Thomas: I’ll try to make it quick. I should be there in approximately ten minutes.

Jonah wrinkled his nose. He didn’t want Alan to end up getting hit by a car while crossing the street just because he thought he was impatient—which Alan probably did with how Jonah had snapped at Eric earlier. Alan was already distracted enough as it was, Jonah would rather not add to it.

? Jonah Delamare: No need to rush, take your time.

Jonah leaned against the wall while he waited for Alan.

He tapped to expand Alan’s profile picture and smiled. Alan was cuddling a big, fluffy black cat whose cranky demeanor clashed with Alan’s gigantic grin. Jonah had always liked cats, but his mom was allergic, so they never had one at home. As soon as he got his own place, though, he’d rescue an old, fat, grumpy fur ball from the animal shelter and call it Pawtato.

With time to spare, Jonah decided to look at Alan’s picture albums. ‘My Friends’ , ‘Fancy Clouds’ , ‘Cute Bees’ , ‘Beautiful Flowers’ , ‘The Ocean’ . Jonah opened the last one, but instantly backed out when he saw the thumbnails. Eric was in most of the pictures and, unsurprisingly, shirtless.

Eric was half-naked in most of his pictures, beach or not. Jonah had put them to good use in the past when he was alone at home and horny, but that wasn’t an option anymore. He’d made up his mind; he would never have sex with Eric again, or even look at his pictures. It wasn’t worth it, no matter how hot he was in that one selfie where he’d just gotten out of the shower.

Maybe Jonah could look at it one last time—

No!

Jonah browsed through Alan’s pictures to keep his mind distracted. It worked; they were nothing like Eric’s.

Alan holding a bouquet of wild flowers. Alan eating a giant ice cream cone. Alan hugging a statue. Alan holding a seashell to his ear. Alan pointing at the sky—at a fancy cloud , probably. They all had one thing in common: a cheerful smile that made it seem as though he was having the absolute best day of his life.

Jonah spotted a photo that stood out. It was grainy and looked like it had been taken at least a decade ago. In it, three kids were playing in a sandbox.

We were so cute!@Eric Scott @Marina Cohen

Well, shit. They weren’t just roommates; they were also childhood friends.

Jonah took a closer look at the picture. Young Alan was making a princess figurine kiss a horse figurine, while young Eric was making a big doll eat another princess figurine’s head. The little girl, whom Jonah deduced was Marina, was watching the cannibalism scene with interest.

Jonah glanced at the clock; he still had a few more minutes to kill, so he went back to Alan’s profile to take a look at his most recent post.

I got the nicest comment ever on my newest story! *Happy dance*

Jonah smiled, then put his phone away when he heard someone run up the stairs.

“Sorry!”

“Hey,” Jonah said as he straightened up. “I almost didn’t recognize you.” He gestured at Alan’s head. “It looks good.”

Alan brought his hand up and touched his now shorter hair. “O-oh, thank you,” he panted. “I was long overdue for a haircut I tried to let my hair grow longer but I gave up when I realized it would never look as good as Eric’s or yours—”

Alan dropped his keys.

Jonah watched as Alan bent down to pick up the keys, fumbled and dropped them again, before finally managing to unlock and open the door.

“Go ahead,” Alan said with a strained smile as he plopped down onto a chair at the kitchen table and caught his breath.

“You alright?” Jonah asked as he took off his shoes.

“Yeah.” Alan nodded energetically, then stopped and blinked a few times. “Or…maybe not.”

Jonah dropped his shoe and rushed to kneel in front of him. “How do you feel?”

“Uh…lightheaded.”

“I’ll help you lie down on the floor, okay?” Jonah said, as he wrapped his hands around Alan’s forearms to support him. “Then you’ll put your feet up on the chair.”

Alan nodded and held on to Jonah as he helped him down.

“Any numbness? Pain in your chest?”

“No.”

“I’ll be right back,” Jonah said as he rushed to the bathroom, where he grabbed a washcloth and wet it with cold water. He wrung out the excess, then returned to the kitchen. “Put this on the back of your neck. How do you feel?”

Alan sighed. “I’m okay. I’m so sorry.”

Jonah pulled out a chair and sat down next to him. He hoped for Alan’s sake that their floor had been cleaned recently, but he doubted it was the case. “Don’t be. Did you run here?”

“Yeah… I guess I’m more out of shape than I thought,” he said, with a sheepish smile.

“Did you eat enough today?” Jonah didn’t recall seeing dirty dishes or smelling anything—apart from coffee—when he walked out of Eric’s room that morning.

Alan averted his gaze. “No. I forgot.”

“You forgot to eat?” Jonah said as he sprang to his feet. Alan was even more distracted than he’d initially thought—who the hell forgot to eat?

Jonah rummaged through the kitchen, while ignoring Alan’s faint protests. A few minutes later, there was a plate of cheese cubes and apple slices on the table next to a glass of water.

“Think you could sit?” Jonah asked as he held his hand out to help Alan up.

“Yeah,” Alan said, reaching for Jonah’s hand. “ I’m so sorry.”

“ Stop apologizing !” Jonah snapped, then forced himself to calm down. “Just…” He sighed. “Just try to remember to eat from now on.”

Alan sat down and gave him a silent nod as he reached for an apple slice.

Jonah moved the other chair close enough to catch Alan if he were to faint, then sat back down and watched him eat.

None of his movements were sluggish and he seemed stable in his seat.

Good.

“I think I panicked,” Alan murmured, his gaze glued to his plate.

“You get panic attacks?”

“Sometimes.”

“They’re the worst,” Jonah muttered. He’d gotten used to them by now—as much as one could get used to panic attacks, that is. They still made his life a living hell on occasion, but at least he didn’t think he was dying anymore.

“I’ll go get my wallet before I forget,” Jonah said as he got up. He wanted to be ready to bolt in case Eric came back while he was still here.

Jonah recalled Eric’s jealous tendencies as he grabbed his wallet, making sure nothing was missing from it. Alan had already been stuck in the crossfire between them often enough; it would be best if Eric didn’t stumble upon them seemingly hanging out in their apartment in his absence.

Jonah returned to the kitchen, glad to see a much healthier color on Alan’s face. “Will Eric be back soon?”

Alan looked at his watch. “Depends on his mood, but I’d say probably in an hour.”

Jonah couldn’t help wondering to what extent Eric’s ‘mood’ affected Alan. He seemed of the sensitive type. “Will you be alright if I leave?”

“Yeah. I feel much better. Thank you,” Alan said with a smile similar to the pictures Jonah had seen on his social media account.

“I’ll just use your bathroom before I go.”

And never come back here, but for real this time.

“Okay.”

Jonah headed to the bathroom, then closed the door and exhaled some tension from his body. What a day. It wasn’t even noon yet, but he felt ready to go to bed. Maybe he’d do just that—watch anime in bed while eating snacks. His stomach growled at the thought. He also hadn’t eaten anything, but in his case, it wasn’t because he’d forgotten .

Jonah emptied his bladder, then washed his hands and took one last look at their shelves. There were new products among Alan’s colorful selection, he noticed, and they were all ylang-ylang scented. Jonah smiled. He’d converted someone else to the supreme scent.

When he got out of the bathroom, Alan was washing the dishes and looked just as calm as usual. Relieved, Jonah walked to the door and put his shoes on.

“Jonah?”

“Hm?” Jonah straightened up and looked at Alan.

Alan seemed one minute away from imploding, his mouth opening and closing without a sound, until he finally managed to ask, “Can I hug you?”

Jonah had not been expecting that. Even though Alan had never shown any sign of animosity toward him, Jonah had assumed he’d at least be a little angry at him for all those times Jonah had fought with Eric, who he now knew was Alan’s childhood friend. Jonah was well aware that he’d challenged Eric’s ego far more than could be considered playful. From an outsider’s perspective, there was no way he didn’t seem like a jerk.

Jonah had just figured that Alan was a people pleaser type of person, but his request for a hug invalidated his theory. No one asked to hug a person they didn’t like, no matter how effectively life had trained them to pretend.

If he’s known Eric forever, he must realize how much of an infuriating little shit he can be at times. Maybe he’s sorry for me—

“Sorry—” Alan began.

Jonah snapped back to the present. “Uh, sure,” he blurted out, then spread his arms a little to make up for what Alan had probably perceived as reluctance.

Alan dried his hands, then walked in his direction, his gaze glued to the floor, until he was right in front of him. Two blue eyes and a smile that could brighten the darkest of nights met Jonah’s gaze for a moment, then Alan wrapped his arms around him and took a deep breath.

Jonah returned the hug a bit awkwardly at first but relaxed as Alan’s soothing scent reached him.

He hadn’t realized how small Alan was until now. His shoulders were roughly the same width as Jonah’s chest, and the top of Alan’s head barely reached his shoulder. As the hug lingered, Jonah felt a fire ignite in his chest at just how fragile Alan felt in his arms, and the sudden urge to protect him from harm seized him whole. How often did he forget to eat? Did he tend to neglect himself? Was he healthy? Did Eric treat him well? How often did he walk alone at night?

Could he defend himself?

“Take care, alright?” Jonah said as he patted Alan’s back, his throat squeezing uncomfortably.

“You too,” Alan said as he pulled away. His face was an adorable shade of pink now, and his smile—

“See you at the café,” Jonah said.

———

Jonah was barely aware of how he’d gotten back home. His body had driven through the now familiar route, while his mind was everywhere but in the present moment. He hated when that happened; he needed to be vigilant at all times. One never knew.

He grabbed a bunch of snacks from the kitchen, then went downstairs and climbed into bed, just like he’d planned. His mom had left for the weekend to visit some friends, so he knew she wouldn’t interfere with his plans. It was a relief; his daily reserve of patience was already depleted.

Jonah downloaded the anime streaming app on his phone, then turned on his TV and cast the episode he’d started watching with Alan. He’d forgotten how much he loved that anime and was filled with a near-overwhelming wave of nostalgia as the characters were introduced one by one on the screen. It felt good, though, and it was all thanks to Alan because Jonah had entirely given up on ever watching it again.

He took out his phone and took a picture of his TV screen, then shared it in theLovable Dorksgroup chat.

? Isabel: !!

? Sean: !!!

? Isabel: !!!!

? Sean: !!!! !

Jonah snorted. If he didn’t interrupt them, they’d one-up each other over and over again until their chat was filled with millions of exclamation marks and animated GIFs.

? Jonah: I heard season 7 was coming out soon.

? Sean: yeah man!!! were gonna have a watch party at home wanna come

? Isabel: You know the drill though!

? Jonah: Bring some snacks.

? Isabel: Yeah!

? Jonah: So I guess I just have to binge-watch 6 seasons now. No biggie.

? Sean: i have faith in u

? Isabel: OMG you’re in for a wild ride. I want ALL the reaction selfies!

Jonah smiled. He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed having these types of conversations with them.

? Jonah: You’ll get two. Final offer. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some TV to watch

Jonah temporarily muted the chat because he knew damn well Isabel and Sean wouldn’t be shutting up anytime soon, and he wanted to focus on the anime. His thumb hovered over Alan’s picture for a moment, wondering if he should make sure everything was okay, but he decided otherwise. Alan just ran too fast on an empty stomach and panicked a little, he was fine.

Maybe Jonah could take a break from his binge later, and leave another comment on one of Alan’s stories. It seemed like a sure way to put a smile on his face.