His Tiny Sun

Chapter 14 - The Cheesecake Analogy

CHAPTER 14

The Cheesecake Analogy

“ Stop calling me! ” Jonah shouted.

One thing. He’d asked them one thing , but as usual, they’d just done as they damn pleased, with no regard to the consequences of their actions.

Jonah’s sheer anger brought him back home because it certainly wasn’t him who did. When he parked in front of his house, he had no recollection of driving there. It felt good to be disconnected from the present for the duration of the ride. So good, in fact, that he considered driving to the nearest low-end bar in the area.

Get wasted until he was numb.

Jonah put his keys in his pocket and got out of his car before the temptation grew too strong. He refused to fall back into one of his destructive patterns. He’d made a promise. A promise that was getting harder to keep since those two started pressuring him into doing something he wasn’t ready for.

Whatever.

He’d just cut them out of his life. Problem solved.

Jonah groaned, remembering the plate he’d left at Sean and Isabel’s place. It was his mom’s favorite. He’d have to find a way to buy her an identical one—or a better one. A better one would do. It would be fine.

He also left Alan’s container behind, along with the cookies he worked so hard to make.

Jonah halted halfway to the basement door, closing his eyes with a loud sigh. Stop. It’s over , he told himself, but his stupid brain refused to listen and kept throwing unwanted images at him. Alan smiling; Alan laughing; Alan crying; Alan bonding with Sean and Isabel—

Fuck ‘em.

Jonah resumed his walk, then gritted his teeth as he noticed two shadows that weren’t supposed to be there. They never fucking gave up, did they? They really had to come all the way over here and ruin his life even further, did they?

Jonah squared his shoulders as he approached the back of his house. As expected, he found two morons standing in front of his door. “The fuck d’you want?”

Sean glared at him with equal ire. “Tell us what happened and we’ll leave.”

Jonah balled his hands into fists. “Fuck off. You know what happened.”

“We don’t!” Sean shouted. “You just stormed off like a fucking asshole!”

Isabel grabbed Sean’s arm. “Please!”

“Tone it down,” Jonah hissed. “My mom’s sleeping.”

“ Good !” Sean shouted. “Let her know you’re ruining everything again.”

“The fuck you say?” Jonah spat out as he took a step forward. Sean did as well, but he wasn’t intimidating with his very average five-foot-nine stature. “ I ruin everything?” Jonah asked. “I asked you one thing. One thing. But you just had to tell him about Elliot.”

“Jonah—”

“Do you really think we’re that stupid?” Sean shouted.

Jonah huffed. “Yes.”

“Jonah it’s—”

“ You’re the stupid one if you don’t realize that he figured it out on his own,” Sean said.

“He just figured out we had a dead friend?” Jonah snarled.

Sean shook his head in disbelief. “Dude. It was all over the news back then! We have, like, a million pictures of him on the wall.”

Shit.

Jonah deflated partially. Sean was right; Alan was pretty smart, attentive…and obviously very sensitive. It wasn’t impossible for him to have remembered the story from the news and connected the dots.

Fuck.

Jonah deflated further when he realized how much his anger had clouded his judgment. When would Sean and Isabel have had the time to tell Alan much of anything? Jonah was almost always in the same room as him. Unless they’d reached out to him on social media…

“A-actually, it’s my fault.”

Jonah and Sean whipped their heads toward Isabel.

“He was asking me all those questions a-and he asked about the unicorn I—I didn’t know what to say but I just mentioned his name and that he was a friend I said nothing else I swear !”

“See?” Sean crossed his arms and glared at Jonah. “He figured it out .”

Jonah sat down on one of their outdoor chairs and buried his face into his hands. He’d been careless. He should have asked them to take down Elliot’s pictures and to put the unicorn away. He should have known Alan would notice and ask questions.

“You said it yourself. He’s smart,” Sean continued. “He would have found out eventually, whether you like it or not.”

“Jonah. It’s all my fault,” Isabel said. “Please don’t push him away.”

Jonah gave Isabel a strained look. His anger was starting to dissipate, stealing all of his energy. He just wanted them to leave. He wanted to go to bed. He wanted to forget about all of this. Forget about everything. “It just didn’t work out, alright? Let it be.”

Isabel inched closer and placed her hands on his shoulders. “Elliot would have wanted—”

Jonah slapped her arms away. “ Don’t ,” he snapped, blazing fury erupting once more.

“Dude, what the fuck!” Sean shouted, pulling Isabel into his arms like Jonah had just assaulted her or something.

“How many times have I told you I wasn’t ready?” Jonah shouted. “How many? You never listen, you just—”

“— We never listen?” Sean huffed a laugh. “That’s rich coming from you. When was the last time you listened?”

“No. Sean, stop,” Isabel said. “Jonah, we’re just trying to help.”

“I don’t need help!” Jonah shouted.

“ Like hell you don’t.”

“Sean!”

Jonah sprang to his feet and glared at Sean. “I. Don’t. Need. Help. And I Don’t. Need. You.”

Sean glared back. “Well neither do we !”

“Please!”

Jonah’s nose wrinkled with barely contained fury. “Good. Now get the fuck out of my life.”

Isabel gasped.

“You have issues, man,” Sean said as he dragged her away.

Jonah watched them leave, then sat back down and buried his face in his hands once more. He’d known from the start it was a bad idea. He shouldn’t have asked Alan on a date. He should have waited. It was too fast, too soon. It had been destined to fail from the beginning, but he’d been selfish and had given Alan false hope.

The only thing Jonah achieved was to hurt a kind, considerate, caring, supportive, funny, adorable, beautiful, clever man.

Jonah dropped his hands and noticed some light coming out from the kitchen window. As he’d feared, they woke up his mom. What would he say to her now? She would ask questions, like she always did, then he’d blow up and make her sad again.

Jonah recalled the look in her eyes when they had tea together and he’d told her about Alan. He’d shared far more than he’d initially planned to, and by the time they were done, the tea had gone cold and Jonah was looking forward to introducing him to her. It felt so good to see her smile—truly smile—and to connect with her again.

“Fuck,” Jonah exhaled as he recalled Alan’s sheer distress after he went to read about Elliot’s death. It was so clear now. Isabel said Elliot’s name, then Alan noticed there were no recent pictures of him, and instead of asking about it, he went to the bathroom to check news articles on his phone.

Jonah had been foolish to think he could put off telling Alan about Elliot. Sean was right. Alan would have brought it up at one point. Heck, there were even videos of Elliot on their channel.

“Fuck.” Jonah just pushed away the first man who’d made him feel safe in years without so much as an explanation. Without even a glance in his direction. And why? Because Alan had been shocked by Elliot’s death and had expressed sympathy.

Because of Jonah, Alan was crying all alone and feeling awful for what he’d done. Or worse, he was crying on Eric’s shoulder while the bastard talked shit about him. The mere thought of Eric consoling Alan and telling him ‘ I told you so ’ made Jonah’s blood boil.

Jonah snatched his phone and brought up his conversation with Alan.

? Jonah: Are you asleep ?

He debated driving back there to talk to Alan in person, but there was no way he’d manage to keep his cool if Eric answered the door with a smug smile plastered across his punchable face and told him that Alan never wanted to see him again.

? Alan: No

Thank god.

? Jonah: Can I see you?

? Jonah: Tonight

Please say yes. Please. Please say yes—

? Alan: Yeah

Jonah exhaled a long sigh and leaned back in his chair, taking a moment to gaze at the darkening sky as he tried to calm his mind. What a night it had been, and it was far from over. Things were going in the right direction, at least.

? Jonah: Can I call you?

? Alan: In just a few minutes. I’ll let you know when

Jonah’s leg jittered as he stared at the screen in wait. After six excruciatingly long minutes, Alan sent another text.

? Alan: Okay you can call now

Pressure rose in Jonah’s chest as he moved his thumb toward the phone icon, but he ignored the sensation. He took a deep breath, then tapped the screen and brought his phone to his ear.

Hello,” Alan answered, the hoarseness in his voice breaking Jonah’s heart.

“Hey.”

“I’m sorry ,” Alan cried out. “I didn’t mean to invade your privacy. I shouldn’t have. I’m so sorry. ”

“Stop,” Jonah said, a little harsher than he’d preferred. It always annoyed him when Alan apologized profusely, but it was unbearable when the person who owed an apology was himself. “You did nothing wrong.” Jonah heard a quick succession of sharp inhales. Alan sounded on the brink of hyperventilation. “You did nothing wrong,” Jonah repeated in a softer voice. “It’s the opposite. You did everything right. Sean and Isabel loved you. You were great company. And your curiosity is just…” He closed his eyes and exhaled a silent breath. “…proof that you care.”

“I do,” a small, trembling voice reached Jonah’s ear.

“How early do you have to get up tomorrow?”

“I have…nothing planned.”

“Okay. If you still want to see me, I—”

“—I do!”

Jonah relaxed slightly at his eagerness. Alan’s breathing seemed to have returned to normal, too. It was a relief. “I’d like to bring you somewhere, but it’s a thirty-minute drive. Is that okay?”

“Yes!”

“I’ll be there in ten, alright? I’ll bring some coffee.”

“Okay.”

“See you soon—”

“—Jonah?’

“Hm?”

Alan let out a shaky breath. “Thank you.”

Jonah dug his nails into his palm. “I couldn’t just leave things like this,” he said, even though he’d planned to do just that initially. “See you soon.”

“Bye.”

Jonah took a screenshot of his conversation with Alan and his call history, and shared them in the Lovable Dorks group chat. Then, he got up and went inside to grab what he needed: two blankets, the same hoodie he’d let Alan borrow the other day, an umbrella just in case, and a flashlight.

By the time he’d gotten back to his car, he still had no response from his friends. For the first time since he could remember, he didn’t have to mute their group chat after sharing something with them.

‘When was the last time you listened?’

Jonah’s heart sank. Sean was right— again . Jonah had been using them, reaching out only when it suited him, then ignoring them for days, sometimes even weeks.

He’d never been a remarkable friend—he didn’t lie when he told Alan he wasn’t an easy person to deal with—but he’d clearly crossed a line tonight, one from which their trio might never recover. It was no one else’s fault but his own.

Jonah would do everything in his power to be deserving of their forgiveness, but first, he had to make things right with Alan.

Jonah stopped at a gas station on the way, where he selected some snacks he hoped Alan would like, and grabbed two large coffees from the self-service counter. He dumped a generous amount of sugar and milk in Alan’s, then took a sip of his own and opted to add some sugar and milk as well. Gas station coffee was disgusting.

He went back to his car after completing the transaction, then drove to the building he’d so many times promised himself he’d never see again.

? Jonah: I’m parked on the street next to your apartment building

? Alan: Coming!

Alan must have been waiting outside because he showed up almost instantly.

A mixture of immense relief, sadness, and anger—directed at himself—washed over Jonah as Alan got into his car and offered him a beautiful smile that clashed painfully with his red and puffy face. Jonah felt the urge to kiss him right there and then, but he resisted. He needed to talk to him first. “Hey.”

Alan put on his seat belt and gave him a timid look. “Where did you wanna go?”

“It’s a quiet place away from the city. I think you’ll like it.”

“Okay.”

Jonah pointed at one of the coffees in the cupholders between them. “I got this for you. I put, like, six sugars and milk in it, I think. I hope it’s— careful ,it’s hot.”

Alan took a small sip. “It’s perfect.”

“I wasn’t sure if you’d eaten anything, so I got some snacks. They’re in the glove box. Sorry, it’s all crap from the gas station.”

“Oh, I love these!” Alan said as he looked through the selection and picked a package of cotton candy-colored, cat-shaped, sugar-infused sugar marshmallows. He hesitated for a moment, then took out a bag of nuts as well.

Relief washed over Jonah; Alan wouldn’t get a full-on sugar crash, at least. “Ready?”

Alan nodded and beamed, giving Jonah the kind of smile he didn’t deserve .

“You can put on some music if you want,” Jonah said as he started driving. “I don’t have Bluetooth, but there’s a cord in there. Or we can talk, if you want…or not.”

“I really liked your friends.”

Jonah’s heart sank. He tried to say something, but the words just wouldn’t come out, so he nodded instead.

Alan ate his snacks and drank his coffee in silence as they gradually escaped the city. Rows of buildings became fields of corn, then turned into dense forests. A hare almost crossed the road, but changed its mind and turned back around just in time. They traveled uphill for a little while, and when they reached the top of the incline, they were offered a view of the bright, orange sun shining its very last rays for the day, before slipping behind a mountain.

“May I…” Alan said timidly.

“Hm?”

“…touch your hand?”

Jonah’s heart fluttered. “Yes.”

Alan carefully placed his bandaged hand on top of Jonah’s bandaged hand. “Can I keep it there?”

Jonah huffed a nervous laugh. “If you don’t mind your arm moving all the time.”

“It’s worth it,” Alan said simply.

Jonah stopped at an intersection, then made a left turn, Alan’s hand following along as he shifted gears. It felt far more intimate than he’d expected.He poured his whole focus on the road to drown out the loud alarm ringing in his ears.

They stayed silent for another ten minutes or so, allowing the sky to darken completely, and the stars to form a beautiful blanket of sparkling jewels across it. The night sky always had a calming effect on Jonah; it reminded him of the immensity of life. He was grateful for the absence of clouds tonight.

“I think I understand,” Alan said as he removed his hand, but not before stroking Jonah’s finger softly with his thumb.

“Hm?”

“One, two, three, four, five. Just like a bicycle.”

Jonah smiled. “Yes. Kind of like a bicycle.”

“Why do people say it’s harder, then?”

“Because it is.”

“How?”

Jonah seized the chance to discuss a topic that had nothing to do with the reason for their ride in the middle of almost nowhere. “The trickiest part is the clutch pedal. It’s kind of like…” He took a moment to think. “Okay. Imagine you’re baking a cake.”

“A cake? What kind?”

“Any.”

“Aw. You’re no fun.”

Jonah huffed a laugh. “Okay. You and I are baking a cheesecake.”

“Mmm!”

“New York-style with a graham cracker crust.”

“And strawberries?”

“Fresh strawberries and homemade strawberry coulis.”

“I’m listening.”

Jonah smirked. “But there’s a catch.”

“Oh?”

“We’re not allowed to use a timer.”

“Can we use our watches?”

“No. All the clocks and watches in the world have vanished.”

“Spooky.”

“And we’re only allowed to open the oven door twice. Once to put it in, and once to take it out.”

“What happens if we open it three times?”

“The oven explodes.”

Alan laughed. “That cake better be good.”

“It will be.” Jonah felt his body relax as he smiled at the horizon.

“How do we know when it’s ready?”

“By watching it through the oven door.”

“And how is that like driving a manual car?”

Jonah had almost forgotten why he was talking about baking in the first place. “If you take the cake out too soon, it’ll be all runny and disgusting. If you take it out too late, it’ll be dry and burned. But there’s a window of time during which your cake will be perfect.”

“Okay.”

“The first few times, you risk taking it out too soon or too late, but eventually, you’ll learn to recognize the visual clues indicating that the cake is ready.”

“Mm-hmm. ”

Jonah slowed down and made a turn on a side road. “Now imagine you’re baking hundreds of cakes a day, every day.”

“Who’s gonna eat all that?”

“Isabel, obviously,” Jonah answered, making Alan giggle. “After your thousandth cake, you won’t have to look anymore; you’ll just know when it’s ready, right?”

“I doubt that applies to everyone. Some people are just awful at baking.”

“True. And that’s precisely what I’m getting at. The cake analogy is similar to a clutch pedal. There’s what they call a biting point, but it’s difficult to find at first because you have to feel it.”

“Okay.”

Jonah took a right turn; they’d arrived at their destination. He stopped in the center of the empty parking lot, but didn’t turn off the engine yet.

Jonah placed his hands next to each other under the light from the nearby lamppost. “So you press the clutch pedal like this,” he said, moving his left hand, “and then you slowly release it until you feel the biting point. That’s when you have to press on the accelerator with your right foot.” He moved his left hand up and his right hand down a few times to illustrate his point, then put his car into first gear. “This is what happens if you miss it. Don’t worry, it’s not dangerous.” Jonah made a silent apology to his transmission, then released the clutch pedal too fast, making his car shake them like a martini before stalling.

Alan gasped. “That’s scary.”

Jonah let his car roll toward the edge of the parking lot, then engaged the handbrake. “Some people never get the hang of it,” he concluded. “Just like baking.”

“Except, in real life, we can use timers, and ovens don’t explode.”

Jonah chuckled. “And automatic cars exist.”He unbuckled his seat belt. “We’re here.”

“Already?”

Jonah had to admit that it did feel as though much less time had passed, and now that he remembered the reason they came here, he was tempted to just keep on driving and talking about cakes. He would be going through with this, though. He owed it to Alan…and to himself…and to Elliot.

Jonah grabbed his bag from the trunk and pulled out the flashlight.

“Where are we going?” Alan asked.

“There’s a beach nearby. It’s a short walk there. Are you cold? I brought an extra sweatshirt.”

Alan hesitated briefly, then his lips curled into the most adorable, sheepish smile. “I’m a little cold.”

Jonah handed him the sweatshirt he’d taken out of his bag, warmth flooding his chest as he watched Alan put it on. The sight gave Jonah some of the courage he so desperately needed. Alan looked perfect in it. “This way.”

Jonah took the lead on the narrow path that had formed in the woods over time. He made sure to hold branches out of Alan’s way and to warn him about irregularities in the terrain. It wasn’t easy to navigate, especially in the dark.

It didn’t take long before the sounds of the waves reached their ears, and shortly after, they’d arrived safely at their destination.

Alan gasped softly.

Jonah took a moment to admire the view, drawing a small dose of serenity from the wonders of nature that surrounded them. The moonlight reflected on the surface of the endless waves, its shimmers distinguishing the pitch-black body of water from the sky. Jonah lost count of how many times he’d felt the urge to let this lake swallow him whole and pull him into its deepest depths. It was the promise he’d made that always kept him on the shore.

Jonah’s gaze followed Alan’s movements along the shoreline, his vigilance unbroken even as he spread a blanket on the sand. The lake was agitated tonight, seemingly mirroring Jonah’s emotional storm. It would only take one violent wave to make Alan lose his footing and drag him into the water.

Calm down.

“You were right. I like it,” Alan said as he joined him on the blanket, the scent of Warm Ocean Breeze mixing with the actual warm ocean breeze—or rather, the lake breeze in this case.

“Are you cold? I have another blanket,” Jonah said, in hopes of delaying the inevitable by a few extra seconds.

“No. I’m okay, thank you.”

Jonah took a deep breath, then began, before he changed his mind, “We’re here because I want to tell you about…what ha ppened to Elliot.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to…u-unless you don’t want me to.” Jonah hated how quickly he clung to that hope.

“I do.”

“Okay…”

“May I hold your hand?”

“Yes…but I might pull it away. Please don’t take it personally.

Alan reached for his hand—the uninjured one, this time. “I won’t.”

Jonah exhaled a long breath and squeezed Alan’s fingers. “Elliot was…my best friend. But also…”

Say it.

“…he was the first person I ever loved.”

The only person I ever loved.

The pressure in Jonah’s chest was unbearable, but he kept going. He had to. “The night it happened, we were supposed to meet at a park.”

Alan’s thumb stroked Jonah’s hand softly.

Jonah cleared his throat, steeling himself for the next part. “Elliot was never late. He was always perfectly on time.”

He was perfect.

Alan made a soft hum of support tinged with sadness.

“When I saw he wasn’t coming, I tried to call him, but he didn’t pick up my call. So I…” Jonah took a moment to breathe. “I decided to walk to his home.” He squeezed his eyes shut. He wanted nothing more than to tell Alan he’d changed his mind, but he fought the urge. It was too late now anyway; Jonah wouldn’t survive leaving things like this.

“About halfway there, I…saw flashing lights. Police car lights.” He dug his nails into the cuts of his right palm to distract himself from the severe pain that spread from his throat to the base of his skull. “I ran and…” He felt Alan scoot a little closer, but he kept his eyes closed. He couldn’t look at him, not now.

Say it.

The words evaded him. For a long moment, all he could feel was the suffocating, crushing pain in his throat and neck. His heart raced, a tingling sensation spreading across the limbs he could barely feel .

He no longer had access to his thoughts. A thick fog blocked the way—made him forget.

No.

He would never forget. Never.

“I saw him,” Jonah said through trembling lips.

The image was still burned in his memory. It would never fade. It would forever haunt him.

Elliot. His Elliot. Sitting against a wall. His lifeless eyes opened wide in horror. The blood. The lights. The blood. The lights.

“I saw him .” Before Jonah realized what he was doing, he grabbed Alan and pulled him into his lap, wrapping his arms tightly around him with a faint whimper.

The pain in Jonah’s throat was too agonizing to talk. His brain was trying to disconnect from reality, but Jonah clung to Alan’s small body in protest to keep himself present.

Alan stayed silent. Or maybe he said something; it was hard to tell with the hissing static in Jonah’s ears, and with how loudly he panted through his gritted teeth. He rocked Alan in his arms for a long while, until he was able to speak again. And then he set free the words that had never crossed the barrier of his lips before. “It’s my fault.”

“ What ?” Alan exclaimed. “No!”

“He died because of me.”

“No, no, no.”

“He was beaten to death because of me.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“He died because I was ashamed.”

“Jonah—”

“He died alone and in horrible pain because I didn’t want people to know—”

“— Jonah , you’re holding me too tight.”

Jonah gasped and let go of Alan, who immediately turned to face him and wrapped his arms around his shoulders.

“It’s not your fault there are horrible people in the world,” Alan said. “It’s not your fault.”

Jonah pulled him closer, this time careful not to hurt him. “If I hadn’t insisted that we keep it a secret, he’d still be alive.”

“It’s not your fault,” Alan repeated as he stroked Jonah’s back with both hands, his voice heavy with sorrow. “It’s not your fault. ”

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry.

I know you’d want me to forgive myself and move on, but it’s so hard.

If only I hadn’t been such a coward. If only I’d been strong like you.

I still haven’t figured out what you saw in me.

I never deserved you.

I took you for granted.

A whimper broke out of Jonah’s lungs. Nothing had changed; he was still the same selfish asshole he’d been back then.

‘When was the last time you willingly sacrificed your own comfort for someone else?’

‘When was the last time you listened?’

“Jonah?”

“Hm?” Jonah uttered.

“I’m here for you.”

Jonah closed his eyes and gently cupped the back of Alan’s head with a shaky breath. “I’m so sorry for hurting you.”

“You didn’t do it on purpose.”

Jonah wanted to argue, but he lacked the energy. He breathed a deep sigh and pressed his cheek against Alan’s, focusing on the sensations that made this moment real. The points of contact between their bodies; the scent of Alan’s hair; the rhythm of their breathing; the wetness of Alan’s tears against his cheek; the smooth fabric underneath his fingers as they caressed Alan’s back on their own accord.

They held each other for a long time, their hands following the tempo of the waves crashing on the beach as they softly stroked each other’s back and hair. Jonah gazed into the horizon, letting himself get hypnotized by the moonlight dancing on the surface of the lake.

For the first time since he could remember, he had no desire to surrender himself to the current.He owed it to the tiny sun currently shedding silent tears in his arms.

The cacophony of loud alarms and overwhelming thoughts in his head finally died down, allowing him to focus on the present. As Jonah admired the sparkling lights on the ever-moving waves, he took in the beauty of the moment they’d just shared.

He was still terrified—he doubted that would ever change—but no longer did he want to shut the rest of the world out.

Being strong meant allowing oneself to be vulnerable; that was how people connected and learned from each other. Elliot had tried to teach Jonah that lesson back then, but only now did it truly sink in.

As time stretched on, Alan’s arms slowed down, then stopped moving. Moments later, his body went limp. He’d fallen asleep.

Jonah let his mind wander while Alan rested against his chest. Elliot’s death had revealed how terribly cruel life could be, but now Jonah also recognized how it shed light on his own resilience. Despite countless moments of contemplating joining Elliot in death, Jonah had consistently chosen life. This realization showed his deep desire to live, even if it meant facing the frightening unknown.

Embracing the prospect of being scared and hurt opened a multitude of doors within his heart that he’d sealed a long time ago. Jonah allowed himself to explore all the moments they would share if Alan still wanted to be with him after tonight: animated conversations, delicious meals, lazy mornings in bed, walks on the beach.

Jonah daydreamed of afternoons spent at the park, during which Alan would write, and Jonah would draw. Then, they would cuddle under the sun and search the sky for fancy clouds. A butterfly would land on Alan’s knee, and he would gasp in awe while Jonah snapped a picture.

And then they would kiss.

Jonah breathed a long, calming sigh, then pressed a kiss on top of Alan’s head.

“Mm…”

“Hey,” Jonah murmured with a smile.

“Did I fall asleep?” Alan asked.

“Yep.”

“Oh, no. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. It’s getting late, and you had a long day. I’ll drive you back home.”

“Didn’t you want to stay longer?” Alan asked drowsily.

Jonah patted Alan’s thigh to prompt him to stand up. “I had a long day, too.”

Alan nodded, then got up from Jonah’s lap and stretched his arms and back with a groan .

“Help me with this?” Jonah asked as he handed Alan the flashlight. Jonah shook the sand out of his blanket—even though he knew it was a lost cause—then folded it and put it back into his bag.

“How do you feel?” Alan asked.

“Not good,” Jonah answered honestly. “But better.”

“Can I hug you?”

Jonah chuckled. “Really? You fall asleep in my arms, then you ask permission to give me a hug?”

Alan stood on his tiptoes and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. “That’s not how consent works,” he whispered into his ear.

Jonah realized he’d only ever associated consent with sex, but Alan was right. Jonah had so much to learn about relationships. “I’m giving you permission to hug me whenever you want,” he whispered back as he returned Alan’s embrace.

“You also have my permission.”

Jonah smiled. “Now that this agreement is sealed, let’s get you back home.”

“Okay.” Alan pulled away, his gaze dropping to Jonah’s hand.

“You also have permission to hold my hand,” Jonah said, his heart fluttering as Alan reached for it.

Their journey back to reality felt much less arduous as they followed the path in the opposite direction. This time, it was Alan who held the flashlight, while Jonah kept the branches out of the way, their two other hands joined and not letting go.

“Listen,” Jonah said when they reached his car. “I didn’t lie when I said I’m not an easy person to deal with. I’m self-centered, I have a shitty temper, I’m stubborn, I hate admitting when I’m wrong, I suck at conversation, I’m terrible at opening up…” He sighed. “But I also didn’t lie when I said I liked you. So if you still…”

“Yes,” Alan said without skipping a beat. “Do you want a list of my faults too?”

Jonah let out a soft chuckle. “I’d rather find out on my own.”

Alan gave him a solemn look. “I’m not gonna ask for more permissions. I’ll let you set the pace and decide when you’re ready before we do anything more.”

Jonah took a moment to think, but eventually shook his head. “No. I don’t want our—”

Say it.

“—relationship to be entirely centered around me. Your needs matter just as much as mine. I promise to let you know if I’m uncomfortable.”

“Okay,” Alan said with a warm smile. “Thank you for tonight—for trusting me.”

Jonah once again felt the urge to kiss Alan, but he resisted. Not tonight.

Instead, he pressed his lips against Alan’s forehead, drawing a little squeak from him. “You know what?” Jonah asked. “Keep the hoodie; it looks way better on you.”

———

? Jonah: Please know that I don’t expect you to forgive me. I don’t deserve it. I was a shitty friend for years and I took you two for granted.

? Jonah: But I want to thank you. First, for the support you’ve never stopped giving me since we lost Elliot, but also for what you did for me tonight. I needed a major kick in the ass and you delivered.

? Jonah: I talked to Alan. I told him about Elliot. I told him everything.

? Jonah: We’re now officially together. It wouldn’t have happened if not for you.

? Jonah: He really liked you, btw. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad or anything. I’ll understand if you never want to see me - us - again. But I wanted to pass on his thanks for having been so welcoming to him.

? Jonah: That’s it, I guess. I’m sorry.

? Isabel: ?

? Sean: this is for u ┌∩┐(?_?)┌∩┐ this is for alan ?

? Sean: oh and john dies at the end of ep1