Home for Christmas

Chapter 28

I spent another night tossing and turning and mulling everything over. I had been looking forward to making the most of the most magical weekend in the local festive calendar, but when I got up that Saturday morning, my head was frustratingly more preoccupied with concerns about facing the Connelly clan than petting reindeer.

I had no idea if the family were aware that Jude had left the area, because I hadn’t been in touch with any of them since he’d gone, and that weighed heavily on my mind because they were bound to ask after him. Another worry making its presence felt was the misguided promise I’d made to Mum that I was on track to talk to Jude, in response to a message she’d left on my phone while I was compèring the pub quiz.

The day hadn’t even got going, and I was already feeling worn out. I was supposed to be feeling sick with excitement and festive-ready by now, but my mood that morning was more akin to the misery felt by someone who suffered with the January blues.

‘Come on, Tink,’ I said, as I rattled her lead and refused to further tie myself up in knots over it all. ‘Let’s go for a walk. A really long one.’

The extra-long walk benefitted us both. It gave Tink enough exercise to keep her worn out while I was away for the day (it was going to be too busy at the hall to leave her in the Wynthorpe kitchen), and given how icy the pavements were, it gave me something to focus on that wasn’t my horribly heavy heart.

‘I’ll see you later,’ I said to my faithful companion once I’d forced down the little breakfast that I could manage. ‘Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.’

I piled on the layers as it was so cold, and rather than wearing my red wool coat, I opted for what I considered a more countrified outfit, complete with waxed coat and warm Dubarry boots. With the heating in the car on full blast, I was rosy-cheeked by the time I arrived and parked. The stunning sight of the grounds so beautifully dressed for the Winter Wonderland lifted my spirits a little and made me glow all the brighter.

‘Mum said could you head round to the kitchen when you’ve got a minute, Bella,’ Archie, who was directing the already steady stream of cars, requested as soon as I had turned off the car engine.

‘Did she say why?’ I asked, feeling my mood plummet again.

I had been hoping to avoid talking to the family until at least the solstice celebration, which was happening in the afternoon, but my plan to keep my head down had been scuppered even before I’d got out of the car.

‘Probably,’ Archie said, grinning, ‘but I can’t remember now.’

‘If you’re not careful, Archie Connelly,’ I tutted, ‘you’re going to end up as distracted as your father.’

‘He’s halfway there already,’ Jamie chimed in. ‘Come on, Arch. I’m not parking all this lot on my own.’

‘I’ll see you later,’ I said to them both.

‘Are you staying for the solstice celebration?’ Archie asked before I set off.

‘Yes,’ I told him.

‘Excellent!’ Archie said with a nod, looking delighted.

‘Why?’ I asked, feeling justifiably suspicious.

‘Because the more people that attend,’ he told me, ‘the less chance there’ll be that Molly will rope me in to doing something as part of the performance.’

‘ Performance? ’ I squeaked.

I hadn’t attended the ritual before, so hadn’t known there would be a performance.

‘Archie!’ Jamie shouted.

‘You know,’ Archie said vaguely as he headed towards his brother, ‘the Oak King and the Holly King battle and all that malarkey.’

‘Right,’ I said, biting my lip and feeling none the wiser. ‘Of course.’

With my conscience still pricking, and not wanting to feel worse about it, I did head to the kitchen door as Catherine had requested. However, I didn’t knock particularly loudly and when no one immediately answered, I sloped off again, keen to have a wander around the Wonderland before it got too busy.

‘Did you know,’ the guy looking after the reindeers told the assembled crowd, ‘that the reindeers pulling Santa’s sleigh are actually all girls?’

There was a collective gasp among the younger onlookers and a few suspicious frowns from the adults accompanying them. I gave a smile and a nod, already aware that it was the female reindeer that kept their antlers during the winter, and therefore it was the gals who provided the horsepower. Reindeer power. Whatever.

I lingered and listened to the explanation I’d already heard, and then, as the crowd dispersed, I stepped forward to take a few close-up photographs before more admirers arrived. One reindeer among the little herd was particularly photogenic and very friendly.

‘Loki loves all the attention,’ the guy told me, as another group of people began to quickly gather around. ‘He’ll pose all day.’

‘Does he live up to his name?’ I asked, as the reindeer gave my phone a closer look. The photo I snapped was endearingly all nose.

‘Sort of,’ the guy said, nodding. ‘He’s definitely a trickster, though not cunning with it.’

‘It’s their noses that I love most,’ I said, tucking my phone away and looking properly at Loki’s furry snout. ‘They look so… cute. Does that sound a bit pathetic?’ I grimaced.

‘Not at all.’ The guy grinned. ‘I think cute pretty much sums it up. Were you here last year?’

‘I was,’ I confirmed.

‘I thought I recognized you.’

I looked at him properly. He was a handsome chap and clearly a bit of a charmer. I knew the odds were stacked in his favour if he was asking all the women who were attending on their own if they’d been at the Winter Wonderland before, because practically every local had. Consequently, I wasn’t flattered by his suggestion of recognition and went to move out of the way for the next round of reindeer admirers.

‘You’re the woman who makes the fairies, aren’t you?’ he then surprised me by saying. ‘You had a stand here last year and you were wearing wings. I picked one up for my nephew, and he loved it. Still loves it, actually.’

I felt myself turn warm. Not particularly because I had assumed he had been trying a line and felt guilty that he hadn’t, but because his nephew loved the fairy friend I had created.

‘I’m delighted to hear it.’ I smiled. ‘And I still have my wings, of course. They’re tucked under my coat as it’s so chilly.’

‘Of course,’ he laughed. ‘Can I buy you a hot chocolate later?’

‘I’m not sure I’ll be here later,’ I said, taking another step away. ‘But thanks for the offer. And do give my regards to your nephew.’

Before I’d met Jude, I would have said a definite yes to an offer like that, but given that my heart and emotions were still a tangled mass of confusion, I felt no inclination to acquiesce and moved on.

I spent the rest of the morning walking around the woodland trail, stamping my card when I found the landmarks and highlights marked on the paper map that Hayley the housekeeper, who was an accomplished artist, had drawn up. I wondered how the Connellys kept coming up with fresh ideas every year. I didn’t claim my prize when I reached the end, though, because I could see that Anna was doling out the stickers and festive treats and I still wasn’t in the mood to chat.

A while after my delicious lunch, which was made up of mini pigs in blankets in a plum and cranberry chutney-topped bread roll, I made my way through the woods to the very edge of the hall’s boundary, where I knew Molly was going to be setting up for the solstice celebration.

Ordinarily, she had told me the day I dropped her fairies off, the fire and ceremony would be held right in the middle of the woods, but with the date falling on the same day as the Winter Wonderland, she had changed the location so as not to draw too much attention and to keep it a more intimate occasion.

I was looking forward to finding out what the ritual entailed, even if Archie’s earlier words about getting roped in to feature in it had made me feel a little apprehensive.

‘Bella!’ Molly called with a smile when she spotted me.

She looked stunning in a full length, dark-green velvet hooded cloak and with her red hair framing her beautiful face.

‘Am I too early?’ I asked, looking around.

There was no one else in sight.

‘Not at all.’ She smiled, holding out a hand. ‘You arrived at exactly the moment you were meant to.’

That was just the sort of thing she always said, and I supposed she was right.

‘Are you all right?’ she asked, her smile switching out for a frown as I took the hand she offered. ‘You look a little pale.’

I had thought I was still rosy-cheeked, but perhaps she could see beyond my complexion.

‘I’m okay,’ I said, and swallowed. ‘Just feeling a little tired.’

‘And missing Jude?’ she ventured, giving my fingers a gentle squeeze before letting them go.

So his departure was known about, then.

‘A little,’ was as much as I was willing to confess. ‘I’ve never actually shared the main part of the house with a guest before, so it does feel a bit strange now he’s gone…’

My words trailed off when I realized how intently Molly was looking at me.

‘A guest,’ she echoed ethereally.

‘Um,’ I said, and swallowed, ‘but I suppose I’ll soon get used to it.’

Molly didn’t say anything further, and I knew she was waiting for me to fill the silence, but I wasn’t going to fall for that tactic. Her approach wasn’t witchcraft, just clever psychology. She let out a long and steady breath, released me from her gaze and took a slow anticlockwise turn around the bonfire.

‘I just wish he hadn’t left without talking to me!’ I suddenly blurted out. ‘I got up last Sunday to find him gone. If only he’d talked to me…’

Okay, so perhaps a little witchcraft had been involved. I had felt adamant that I wasn’t going to say anything more and suddenly I’d shared far more than I probably should.

‘That sounds to me,’ Molly began, smiling serenely as the sound of feet and voices coming through the trees towards us began to get louder, ‘like a wish you should take to the Wishing Tree.’

The vast hawthorn tree wasn’t all that far from where we were standing. In a clearing, it stood like a beacon and was visited by anyone who had a wish to make or a hurt they needed help to heal from.

Some visitors even tied tokens to the branches to accompany the wishes and help the wind carry them off and away. I’d never made a wish there myself, but I had dropped fairies off from time to time for visitors to take, and I knew that there had been a recent change in the tokens people were being asked to leave behind to make the process as environmentally friendly as possible.

‘I think it’s too late for wishful thinking,’ I whispered, willing myself not to cry.

‘It’s never too late,’ Molly said insistently. ‘Go after the ceremony and say the words you’ve just said to me directly to the tree.’

There was no time to talk with her further, because everyone else who had been invited to the celebration stepped into the clearing at that moment and Molly quickly began directing them to where she wanted them to sit. Archie and Jamie were then long-sufferingly dressed up as the Oak and Holly Kings, and their seasonal battle commenced.

Their duelling was occasionally a little too boisterous but, accompanied by Molly’s mellifluous voice and explanation, the ritual sent my already emotional state soaring even higher, and when she began to talk about the returning light and slowly lengthening days and the joy that both could offer us, I had to blink long and hard to stop the tears I could feel building starting to flow.

As the Oak King was finally crowned and everyone rejoiced in the rebirth of the sun, which had been stubbornly absent all day, Molly caught my eye and nodded in the direction of the Wishing Tree. I took that as my cue to leave, slowly stood up and silently slipped away.

The laughter and cheers of the others gradually lessened, and as I stumbled over a tree root, I realized it would soon be dark and I needed to make my way quickly, otherwise I could end up lost in the woods for hours. I wasn’t sure what good saying a few words to the ancient tree was really going to do, but if there was even the slightest chance it might help clarify my thoughts, I was willing to give it a go.

Completely alone, I made no attempt to check the tears which traced a path down my cheeks and stung my face in the icy breeze. What a Christmas this was turning out to be. Ordinarily, my festive spirit could barely be contained by now, but this year I wouldn’t know where to look to find it.

Blinded by my tears and not paying proper attention to where I placed my feet, my boot caught again, only this time I went flying. With a heavy thud, I fell into the tree clearing. I made no immediate attempt to get up, neither caring that the ground was cold and hard nor thinking that I should probably check I hadn’t done myself a mischief.

‘I thought Elton said you should “Step into Christmas”,’ a voice somewhere near the tree said, and my heart rate rocketed. ‘Not fall headlong into it.’

It was a voice I would have recognized anywhere.

‘Are you hurt?’ it came again, this time much closer.

‘Jude!’ I sobbed, his name catching in my throat as he gently helped me to my feet and then let me go.

‘Bella,’ he said back, his eyes searching my tear-stained and probably grubby face.

‘What are you doing here?’ I asked, roughly wiping my cheeks on the sleeve of my coat.

‘Someone told me about the tree, and I felt drawn to come here and make a wish,’ he explained, sounding surprised to find himself in the clearing. ‘What about you?’

His explanation gave nothing away as to where he’d been staying or how he’d got to the tree.

‘What about you, Bella?’ he asked again softly.

‘I came to make a wish, too,’ I said shakily.

‘Was it to erase me from your memory?’ he asked with a grimace.

‘No,’ I told him. ‘It was more of the time-turning variety.’

‘Oh?’ He frowned. ‘Let me guess. You wanted to go back to the time of Catherine’s request to put me up and turn her down?’

‘No,’ I said, although there had recently been conflicting moments when that might have been a tempting option. ‘I was going to wish to go back to when we’d been sitting on that bench in town and you told me that you wanted to have a fling with me.’

‘Fascinating,’ he breathed, taking a step closer and looking deep into my eyes. ‘That’s the time I was going to wish I could go back to, too.’

‘Why?’ I asked tentatively.

‘You know why if you read my letter.’

‘Tell me anyway,’ I whispered.

‘Because telling you I wanted a short-term fling was a huge mistake,’ he began. ‘I realized that the night we spent making love.’

Those words on his lips, and the memory of that night, made my breath catch.

‘I wanted more from you, Bella,’ he continued. ‘So much more. And knowing you couldn’t commit to anything deeper, I left. I couldn’t bear the thought of waking up with you and having to pretend.’

‘I see.’ I swallowed.

‘I’m so sorry,’ he apologized. ‘I know I shouldn’t have done that, but for the sake of my sanity and my heart, I didn’t know what else I could do. I tried to convince myself that since you’re someone who only goes in for short-term relationships, you wouldn’t mind, but…’

His words trailed off and I shook my head, unwilling to let him shoulder the blame for the mess that we’d made of everything between us. I was every bit as guilty as he was for the muddle and misunderstanding.

‘I’m sorry, too,’ I said, reaching for his hand and holding on to it.

‘But what are you sorry for?’ Jude asked with a frown, looking at our entwined hands. ‘I’m the one who—’

I took another step, so I was just inches from him, and put a finger to his lips.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said breathlessly, ‘because the truth is, I didn’t want to have a brief encounter with you. I never did.’

I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders as I finally said the words and imagined the new version of Mum I was beginning to understand breathing a sigh of relief somewhere.

‘What?’ Jude asked, looking at me again. ‘What are you saying?’

‘I’m saying,’ I reiterated, ‘that I never wanted to have a short-term thing with you. I’ve had feelings for you, proper feelings, for weeks, but I had no idea what to do with them because I’d never experienced them before. And then,’ I sighed, ‘literally just as I’d decided I was going to go for it and tell you that I wanted something long-lasting with you, I let you speak first. And what you said you wanted from me was the exact opposite.’

‘I don’t believe it!’ Jude gasped, reaching for my other hand.

‘Oh, please do,’ I groaned.

Jude smiled at that.

‘I mean, I can’t believe we’ve done this,’ he said, shaking his head as his gaze flicked to my lips and then back to my eyes. ‘We’ve both been second-guessing the other and getting it completely wrong. We’ve been so stupid, haven’t we?’

‘Yes,’ I agreed. ‘We’ve both been pretty useless. But now we know the truth, don’t we?’

‘Yes,’ he said, echoing my assertion and completely closing the gap between us. ‘But just to be sure, will you spell it out for me? Tell me exactly what it is that you want, Bella.’

His lips were so close to mine, I could feel his warm breath as he said the words.

‘I want you to come home, Jude,’ I said as I softly kissed him. ‘I want you to come home for Christmas.’