Home for Christmas

Chapter 27

After a day and most of the night spent curled up on the sofa, trying to decide what to do next, I remembered that my car was still parked behind the Cherry Tree Café and if I didn’t hurry up and collect it, Lizzie and Jemma would be in touch to check up on me. I knew their enquiry would be kindly meant, but for the time being, I didn’t feel up to hearing from or facing anyone.

Therefore, close to dawn on Monday morning, I snuck to town in the dark on foot and returned with my car and the partially collapsed gingerbread house, which I then completely dismantled and reluctantly threw away, uneaten.

The process of doing that felt entirely symbolic and gave me the courage to ring Jude’s mobile with the intention of telling him the truth about what I had been planning to say and how I wished I had been brave enough to talk first during our bare-all conversation on Saturday.

I didn’t want our relationship to be as unsalvageable as the gingerbread confection we’d so lovingly crafted, but my determination went unrewarded because the call didn’t connect. I briefly considered sending him a message, but as the phone was turned off, I knew he wouldn’t read it. Besides, I could hardly declare undying love via a text, could I?

And involving the Connellys by asking if they had a forwarding address for Jude was definitely out. For now, at least. I would only go to them if I couldn’t come up with a better plan, because I knew my enquiry would raise questions…

Lizzie rang the house early on Tuesday to ask me to cover the market stall, and that meant there was only one thing for it. I had to paste on a smile and put my best foot forward. There was no reason for me to have to talk to anyone about my former housemate, and I hoped no one had designs on talking about him to me, either. I also hoped that if I wasn’t sat at home obsessing over the situation, then I might start to feel at least a little better about it and perhaps even come up with a solution.

‘Hey, stranger!’ said Jeanie, when she spotted me rearranging the stall and adding a few extra festive fairies from one of the crates I’d rummaged through at the house. ‘Where have you been hiding yourself?’

‘Hey, yourself,’ I said, giving her an extra-bright smile. ‘I haven’t been hiding anywhere. I’ve just been busy. I’m all set for the quiz on Friday, though. It’s going to be even more seasonal than the last one.’

‘Oh, right,’ she said, looking at me quizzically, and I wondered if I’d overdone it on the Tigger-like behaviour. ‘Well, that sounds great.’

‘How’s Tim?’ I asked, hoping to distract her, while keeping my eyes trained on the stall.

I knew I had dark circles under my eyes as a result of the torrent of tears and lack of sleep that Jude’s departure had instigated, and that no amount of concealer could disguise them or stop Jeanie noticing them.

‘I haven’t seen much of him because of his current shift pattern, but he’s more present than Jude,’ she then unfortunately said. ‘Why didn’t you tell me he’d left?’

It was my turn to look puzzled then. Or at least attempt to.

‘I didn’t realize you’d be interested.’ I shrugged. ‘It was no big deal and always part of the plan, wasn’t it? He was feeling better, so it was time for him to head off.’

I realized then that I had no idea who he had called to pick him up. I didn’t think it could have been anyone I knew, because Jeanie would have just mentioned it. A moonlight flit would definitely have been commented on, and even though I had been keeping my head down, she would doubtless have heard the details of that from someone in the pub and quizzed me sooner than this.

‘Who told you he’d gone?’ I asked breezily as I picked up a packet of hand-printed cards and put them down again in the exact same spot.

‘It was Pete from the garage,’ she told me. ‘He said Jude had been in touch about his car yesterday and told him that he was no longer in the area. So where’s he gone, then?’

‘I don’t know,’ I laughed, still none the wiser as to who had assisted him in his clandestine departure. ‘I’m not his keeper.’

A young couple then fortuitously stopped at the stall and started looking through what was on offer.

‘Fair enough,’ Jeanie said, shrugging, sounding a bit put out. ‘I’d better get back to the pub. I’ll see you later.’

‘Friday,’ I said. ‘I probably won’t make it in before the quiz.’

‘Friday, then,’ she said back. ‘See you then.’

I knew I’d only just got away with trying to blag my way through the conversation, and I felt bad for being so offhand with her. It wasn’t her fault that I’d made such a mess of things, but the last thing I wanted was to have to talk it all out. That is, with anyone other than Jude, who was now goodness knew where and not using his phone.

I still hadn’t decorated the gargantuan tree that I’d secured at the auction, and having it centre stage and unadorned was doing nothing to lift my seasonal spirits. What I needed to do was put my ‘best foot forward’ ethos into practice at home, as well as while I was out and trying to convince my friends that Jude’s departure hadn’t impacted me.

I also needed to get a grip behind closed doors before my continued low mood tarnished my happy decorating memories and rubbed off on Tink. I could tell she was missing the housemate she’d always been smitten with, so she didn’t need me being down in the mouth, too.

‘Right, Tink,’ I said cheerily when I arrived home after another freezing cold day working on the stall. I was now determined to stop telephoning Jude’s turned-off mobile. He clearly didn’t want to hear from me. I had to accept that we’d missed our opportunity to honestly come together, and therefore I was going to put him right out of my head in time for Christmas, starting now.

‘Let’s get the tree dressed, shall we?’ I said with a clap.

Tink had no idea what I was saying, but barked in approval and skipped around my feet as I lugged boxes and bags and then began to set everything out. Hopefully my upbeat tone would be enough to reassure her that I was feeling more enamoured with life again, even though that was as yet far from the truth.

‘This is going to take a while!’ I said, looking at the vast collection.

I immersed myself in my childhood memories of decorating the tree with my grandparents as I found the perfect place for each treasured ornament and strand of tinsel, and I refused to think about how romantic the scene would have been if my original decorating idea, the one that had been created around Jude’s presence, had gone according to plan.

‘Three, two, one!’ I counted down, once I’d finally finished primping.

I’d already checked that the long cables of fairy lights were working before I’d hung them and then again when they were in place, so I could scrutinize their arrangement and make any adjustments ahead of putting everything else on the tree, but this was the big reveal.

‘What do you think?’ I asked Tink as the warm white lights began to gently twinkle.

She woofed again.

‘I agree,’ I said. ‘Utterly perfect. Now, let’s just add a few more things, shall we?’

I did feel a little better once the tree was dressed. The plethora of treasures from my childhood and the more recent past were all artfully hung, and I lingered over each of them, admiring their details and remembering the story behind how they had come to be in the collection and the precious remembrances associated with them.

The handcrafted and handsewn felt Christmas puddings and stars made with Nanna were firm favourites and still looked good. Conversely, my kindergarten angels were beginning to show a little wear and tear, but that didn’t matter. They still had pride of place on the top of the tree, just like they had when my grandparents were alive, and the very first few fairies I had attempted to make were in prominent pos-itions, too.

When I was completely happy with the result, I sent a few snaps to Mum.

‘Now,’ I said to Tink as I gave her a fuss and tried to keep the wobble out of my voice, ‘I don’t know about you, but I reckon some warmed wine would slip down a treat right now.’

I was just filling my glass a second time when my mobile rang. I snatched it up, hoping it was Jude, but it wasn’t.

‘Hey, Mum,’ I said, belatedly realising that she had set up a video call.

‘Hey, yourself,’ she said, smiling. ‘What’s with the photos? I always get a video tour of the decs. Is everything okay?’ She frowned, peering closer.

‘Yes,’ I said, carrying my wine over to the sofa and sitting down heavily. ‘The photos were a preview. I thought we could have a tour another day.’

‘I see,’ she said, drawing the words out as I propped up my phone.

I took a sip of the wine, then put the glass down on the coffee table next to my mobile.

‘You look tired, Bella.’ Mum frowned.

‘Just what every woman wants to hear,’ I joked. ‘And of course I do. You know I’ve been working flat-out.’

Mum shook her head.

‘I do know that,’ she stated, ‘but you don’t look work tired. What’s going on? And do not ,’ she warned as I opened my mouth, ‘try to fob me off.’

I sucked in a breath and released it, puffing out my cheeks.

‘I’ve fallen in love with the guy who was staying in the house,’ I blurted out with no preamble, taking myself completely by surprise. It must have been the tongue-loosening strength of the wine I’d drunk on an empty stomach. ‘I didn’t tell you, but he had a bit of a car accident and ended up staying here longer than planned. And as a result, I realized I had fallen completely in love with him.’

‘Oh, my darling,’ Mum said, beaming and looking delighted. ‘No wonder you look so worn out. That’s wonderful!’

‘Well,’ I went on, ‘it would be if… wait, what?’

‘I said that’s wonderful,’ Mum said again, louder this time on the assumption that the signal had cut out. ‘I was beginning to think you were never going to find the one.’

I didn’t tell her that the one had left before I’d found the nerve to tell him that he was the one, or before he’d told me that I was the one for him.

‘You never thought I was going to…’ I said weakly, the words trailing off as my world fell completely off its axis. ‘I can’t believe you thought I’d ever be in the market for love, Mum. Not after what happened to you. You’ve only ever gone in for flings since the two despicable dads did a bunk, and I’m exactly the same. Brief encounters only.’

Mum’s eyes widened, and her expression changed to stricken.

‘That’s not how it is, Bella,’ she told me, sounding shocked. ‘That’s never been how it is.’

‘But you didn’t find anyone else after they left,’ I stammered. ‘Not for years anyway, and then only fleetingly.’

She vehemently shook her head.

‘I never had more serious relationships when you were growing up,’ she rushed to say, ‘because I was scared of the damage it would do to you if they came to an end. I could have coped, but I didn’t think you could. I hadn’t fallen out of love with love, I was just trying to protect you from further hurt.’

I took a moment to try to process the seismic shock she had just delivered. It was nowhere near long enough.

‘But I genuinely thought you were through with love, Mum.’

‘No,’ she said. ‘Never. And it was never my intention to put you off romance, either.’

I looked at her and blinked as my brain tried to recalibrate.

‘So if the right guy came along now—’

‘I’d grab him with both hands,’ she cut in. ‘In fact, I think he has.’

‘But what about Nanna and Grandad?’ I numbly reminded her. ‘They were dead within weeks of each other.’

‘After a lifetime of happiness,’ Mum said succinctly. ‘Neither of them would have had it any other way.’

‘But I thought your career was everything to you,’ I said, tracking back to the rest of what I had believed about her. ‘Work became your everything because love had let you down.’

‘No.’ Mum swallowed. ‘ You were always my everything, Bella,’ she said forcefully. ‘You and Mum and Dad, and then work. I worked the hours I did to secure the life I have now, not because I had sworn off love. And I did date sometimes, but I never introduced you to any of the men in my life, because I wanted to protect you when the relationships ended. That way, I always hoped, your understanding of love wouldn’t get further skewed.’

‘So you did still date?’ I whispered, the words barely audible.

‘But I can see now,’ Mum went on, ‘that I got that completely wrong. It was never my intention to put you off falling for someone, Bella. I thought your penchant for flings was a choice you’d made because it worked for you. I assumed it was a way of life that suited you, rather than something adopted because of what had happened in our collective past.’

‘My preference for flings was based purely on my belief that all serious and involved relationships would end in heartbreak,’ I told her. ‘Having seen what you went through, Mum,’ I added, as a rush of horrible memories from the time when my stepdad left washed over me, ‘I didn’t want to risk that ever happening to me.’

Mum’s face crumpled.

‘I’m sorry,’ I apologized.

‘No,’ she sniffed. ‘I’m sorry, my darling, and now I want you to listen to me, Bella. Listen and believe.’

I nodded, feeling close to tears myself.

‘Love is worth the risk,’ Mum said, emphasising every word.

Her declaration left me floundering. It was completely at odds with everything I had clung to.

I swallowed. ‘You can’t really think that?’

It had been hard enough to hear, but her request that I should believe it felt insurmountable.

‘I do,’ she said seriously. ‘Love is worth the risk, my darling.’

‘It is?’ I squeaked, feeling heavy tears starting to build. ‘You really think it is?’

If that was the case, then I definitely shouldn’t have let Jude slip through my fingers. If only Mum and I had had this conversation just a few days ago.

‘Yes,’ she added fervently. ‘I do. And now you’ve fallen in love with this guy—’

‘Jude,’ I interrupted, choking the words out. ‘His name is Jude and he’s gone, Mum. Gone before I told him how I felt, and gone before he’d told me that he loved me.’

‘Oh, my darling.’

‘I only know how he felt, because he left me a letter,’ I sobbed. ‘Such a beautiful letter.’

The tears that had threatened finally began to spill over.

‘In that case,’ Mum burst out, ‘you have to contact him! Ring him—’

‘I’ve tried,’ I said desperately. ‘His phone’s turned off. It has been for days.’

‘Find him, then,’ she said insistently. ‘You have to do this, Bella. Ask everyone who has got to know him where they think he might have gone. Do not ,’ she said forcefully, ‘let this chance of true love pass you by.’

‘I don’t know…’ I started to say.

Having only just made up my mind to put Jude out of it, could I really do another about-turn? I was in danger of meeting myself coming backwards.

‘Well, I do,’ Mum said, her face filling the screen. ‘I know. You get out there and find him, or I’m going to come and look for him myself!’

I felt utterly exhausted. My entire relationship ethos had just been smashed to smithereens by the person who had most influenced it.

Though to be fair, Mum had never said that I shouldn’t form attachments. I supposed I had just assumed that would be her opinion because, as far as I was concerned, she’d never dated since the dads had left. She’d mentioned a few men since she’d moved to France, but that was doubtless because I was distanced from the impact of any potential resulting fallout. Though hadn’t she now hinted that she’d found someone who could be her one?

I tiredly ended the call after promising to do my best, but not really knowing what I was going to do next. One thing I was certain of, though, was that my Christmas now had the potential to become a complete calamity.

Reeling from Mum’s revelation about her attitude to relationships, by the time Friday night rolled around and it was time for the festive quiz in the pub, I still hadn’t made up my mind about tracking Jude down. It felt like only seconds ago that I had been trying to convince myself to forget all about him. In theory, the ‘I love him, he loves me, Mum’s all for it’ mantra sounded pretty straightforward, but I was a jumbled mess of emotions and wasn’t sure any good would come of rushing into acting just because Mum had said I should.

One thing I did know, though, was that I had no desire to draw parallels with the previous quiz night, so not a drop of inhibition-evicting alcohol passed my lips. I wholeheartedly adopted my very best Pollyanna persona and flitted about in full-on festive mode, wearing my brightest smile and my flashing Mrs Claus hat and telling all my very best cracker jokes.

In fact, I did such a convincing job that there wasn’t a single soul present who wouldn’t have been shocked to their very core to have suddenly become privy to the tumultuous and tortuous feelings battling it out in my heart.

‘Question number seven,’ I said loudly, my voice further amplified by the microphone, ‘in the popular carol “The Twelve Days of Christmas”, how many pipers were piping?’

The din this question created was deafening. No one, it seemed, could hold a note.

‘Question number eight—’

‘Hang on!’ more than one voice called.

‘I’m only up to maids a-milking!’ shouted someone else.

‘Question number eight,’ I firmly repeated, ‘what year was Die Hard released?’

I ignored the comments that Bruce Willis in a vest didn’t qualify as festive and ploughed, smilingly, on.

‘Are you okay?’ Jeanie asked, when we reached the halfway point and had a brief intermission.

‘Yes,’ I said, rubbing my temples, ‘just trying to keep track. It’s busier than last time, isn’t it?’

‘Yes,’ she said with a nod, while deftly pulling pints. ‘Definitely busier, but that’s not what I meant.’

I knew exactly what she meant.

‘I must have done a decent job before,’ I laughed, ‘to get so many extra punters in tonight.’

‘Are you sure you don’t want a drink?’ she asked me.

‘Yes, I’m sure,’ I said decisively, though I was almost tempted. ‘It’s the Winter Wonderland tomorrow and Molly’s solstice celebration, too, and I don’t want to miss either of those because I can’t drive there because I’m still over the limit.’

‘I was only suggesting one drink,’ Jeanie said, grinning, ‘not a vat like last time!’

I refused to think further about last time. Or indeed any time that included Jude.

‘I’ll stick to the mocktails.’ I winked as I raised my glass and hoped she’d believe I was just ‘busy’ stressed, as opposed to ‘wrestling with feelings for the love of my life’ stressed.

I knew I’d pulled out all the cheery stops, but Jeanie and I had been friends forever and if anyone could read between my lines, it would be her.

‘Are you going to the Winter Wonderland tomorrow, Bella?’ said a voice next to me.

‘Oh, hey, Bear,’ I said, turning around and looking up. He seemed even taller close to and especially in the confined space of the packed bar. ‘Yes, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.’

Any opportunity to pet a reindeer and ride in a horse-drawn sleigh was unmissable as far as I was concerned, even if I was going to be doing both on my own.

‘Are you going?’ I asked, when Bear didn’t say anything further.

‘Yep,’ he said. ‘Holly’s all for it. She reckons there’ll be reindeer.’

‘Oh, there will be,’ I confirmed keenly. ‘Though not pulling the sleigh. The Wynthorpe ponies have that honour. You’ll need to get there early if you want a parking space that’s not a million miles away from the action.’

‘Duly noted,’ he said with a nod. ‘You know, Bella—’

‘Time’s up,’ Jeanie interrupted, as she pulled at my sleeve and pointed at the clock.

‘What is it?’ I asked Bear.

‘Never mind.’ He sighed as Jeanie rang the bar bell.

He picked up the microphone, which screeched as he handed it to me.

‘Right, then,’ I said, clearing my throat. ‘Duty calls.’

The second half of the quiz proved to be as controversial for some as the first, thanks to a question about Alan Rickman’s character in Love Actually , and when it was time to tally up the totals and announce the winners, there was some careful checking and rechecking required. Everything was eventually settled, and I was exhausted by the time I’d handed out awards to the top three teams and thanked everyone for coming along.

‘And this is for you,’ said Evelyn, handing me the exact bottle of the new blend from Brambles distillery that I’d picked up for me and Jude on the night of their party. ‘To say thank you for all the trouble you’ve gone to to make the quizzes so memorable.’

I could feel a lump forming in my throat, and my eyes were prickling with tears, too. I couldn’t let myself down now, not after doing so well all evening.

‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘I need this after what some of you have put me through tonight!’

I held the bottle aloft, and everyone clapped and cheered. I couldn’t look at Jeanie.

‘Are you okay?’ Holly asked later, echoing what Jeanie had said earlier.

‘I am,’ I told her. ‘Just a bit knackered.’

‘She’s doubtless getting too excited for Christmas,’ Jeanie chimed in. ‘There’ll be tears before bedtime. You mark my words.’

She was probably going to be right, but I wasn’t about to explain why.

‘Back in a sec,’ I said, leaving the Brambles bottle on the bar. ‘I just need to nip to the loo.’

Bear was coming out of the door that led to the restrooms just as I went to walk through it, and he held it open for me. I was the other side of it before he said anything.

‘Bella?’ he said loudly, making me jump.

‘Yes?’

‘Are you going to the solstice thing as well as the Winter Wonderland tomorrow?’

‘I am,’ I confirmed.

‘Great,’ he said, nodding.

‘Are you?’

‘Yeah, we’ve been invited.’

‘Bear!’ Holly called. ‘Are you coming or what?’

She couldn’t see me, so it doubtless looked like he was standing there holding the door open for no reason.

‘On my way!’ he shouted back. ‘I’m only asking because Holly mentioned she was going to talk to you about it,’ he said, with a nod in her direction. ‘I bet she’s forgotten, hasn’t she?’

‘Yes,’ I laughed, ‘she hasn’t mentioned it.’

‘We’ll see you there, then.’ Bear smiled, moving off.

‘See you tomorrow,’ I responded, not giving the conversation another thought.