Home for Christmas

Chapter 26

There must have been a hundred moments between Jude telling me what he wanted – a quick fling – and us arriving home (having stowed the gingerbread fairy house in the car for safekeeping overnight) that I could have told him what I had really been going to say on the bench in the square, but I didn’t capitalize on any of them.

As we slowly paced the pavements back towards the house, I played over what Jude had said and tried to convince myself that having a fling with him, which was all he could understandably currently commit to, was better than having nothing with him. By the time I put my key in the house lock, breathless with the feel of his hand on the small of my back, I had completely recategorized him as ‘dynamite dalliance’ material. In my head, at least.

‘So,’ I said, having let Tink, who was ecstatic to have us back, out into the garden.

‘So,’ Jude responded, his eyes trained on mine.

‘Are you hungry?’ I asked.

‘For you,’ he said huskily, then rolled his eyes. ‘That was bad, wasn’t it?’

‘So bad,’ I agreed, then added, playing my part, ‘but as you’re only going to be a part-time partner, I suppose your dire chat-up lines are of no consequence.’

‘Well, that’s a relief,’ he exhaled, ‘because I’m really out of practice.’

If, a few hours later, anyone had asked me if Jude had been out of practice, I would have hotly denied it. ‘Hot’ being the most appropriate word. Sitting astride him in my bed, with my hair cascading onto his broad chest and my breath coming in short gasps, as another wave of pleasure pulsated through me, I was certainly far from thinking he was out of practice.

‘Bella,’ he gasped, gripping my thighs as I moved to arch my back and he came to another shuddering climax of his own.

He’d said my name so many times, I was in no danger of forgetting it. He loosened his grip a little, and I looked down at his face.

‘Are you sure you haven’t been practising?’ I asked him breathlessly, as his hands moved to cup my face and draw my lips down to his.

‘I honestly haven’t,’ he whispered between kisses. ‘You just have this talent for bringing out the best in me.’

‘Likewise,’ I said as I kissed him back. I found myself thinking that if Jude had been in the market for a relationship and this had been the sex I would have lived with for the rest of my life, I would have been the happiest woman alive. And the most satiated, too.

‘You’re amazing,’ he said as I sat back and tried to banish the thought that I was warming him up for someone else he would meet further down the line.

‘Thank you.’ I smiled, determined to halt my thoughts in their march towards a darker place. It would be so much better to stay in the moment, which had been more than magnificent. ‘You’re amazing, too,’ I told him. ‘You aren’t too stiff, though, are you?’

‘Jeez!’ Jude laughed, and I felt him tense inside me. ‘Give me a minute, would you?’

‘I meant,’ I giggled, nimbly climbing off him and lying down next to him, ‘from your injuries.’

He turned to face me and quirked a brow.

‘Are you sure about that?’

‘No,’ I laughed. ‘But given that you are still recuperating, I will generously give you the minute you require.’

‘So kind,’ he said, tickling me.

Having missed dinner, we ate supper in bed, then made love again during the night. I woke in the early hours and found Jude looking at me, his head propped up on his hand.

‘Are you okay?’ I asked sleepily.

‘Yes,’ he said, softly kissing me. ‘Go back to sleep.’

When I woke the next morning, I realized he hadn’t been okay. And the reason I knew that was because he was gone.

I slept late, and it was the sound of a truck horn that woke me. I stretched out in the bed and groaned. My body ached, but in a wonderful way, and I turned over to reach for Jude, but found the side of the bed where he’d previously been sleeping was stone cold. My eyes sprang open. He wasn’t there.

The truck horn sounded again, and I pulled on my dressing gown and went to the window. Tink was barking downstairs, but until that moment, I hadn’t heard her.

‘You all right?’ Holly frowned as I opened the window and leaned out. ‘We did say a ten o’clock drop-off, didn’t we?’

‘Ten!’ I gasped. ‘Is it really?’

She checked her phone.

‘As good as,’ she said, shrugging, then her eyes widened. ‘Are you entertaining ?’ she whispered theatrically, making a rude gesture with her hands that I would have thought Jeanie capable of, but not Holly. ‘Is Jude up there with you? Shall I come back later?’

‘No,’ I said, ‘Jude is not up here.’ I had no idea where Jude currently was. ‘I’ve just overslept. Give me five minutes and I’ll be down.’

I rushed to pull on joggers and a hoodie and tied my curls up in a scarf, before dashing down the stairs. Jude’s bedroom door was open, and his room was empty and as neat as a pin. The only thing out of place was an envelope with my name on, sitting on the bed. I felt suddenly sick as I pulled the door shut, tripped over Tink and went to let Holly in.

By the time I’d opened the front door, she’d unloaded the bundles of holly and ivy and stacked them in the porch.

‘Are you sure you need all this?’ she said, giving the greenery a nod.

‘Yes,’ I said, moving it to one side and trying to sound as though everything was fine, even though it was anything but. ‘I’ll easily use it all and might even need more.’

My head was spinning, but I wasn’t going to let it show. I wanted to assess the situation before jumping to conclusions and knew if I told Holly what had happened, then there’d be no opportunity to fathom things for myself, undisturbed. She’d mean well, better than Jeanie, who would rant and rave before she knew even half of the facts, but I needed to process what had or hadn’t happened in peace.

‘Now for the tree,’ Holly said, looking at it with her head on one side. ‘You’d better get Jude out here. I don’t think we can manage it between just the two of us.’

‘Of course we can,’ I said, shoving my feet into my trainers and hoping Holly wouldn’t notice the absence of Jude’s outdoor wear from the hall. ‘He’s still asleep,’ I fibbed. Though he might have been, just not under my roof. ‘And he was knackered after yesterday,’ I added, which was definitely true. ‘I don’t want him further damaging his ribs moving my Christmas tree, do I?’

‘I suppose not,’ Holly said, thankfully accepting what I had said. ‘Come on, then. Have you got a stand for it?’

‘Yes,’ I said, ‘that’s all set up, so hopefully, between us, we’ll find a way to get it in there.’

We were both scratched to pieces by the time we were done, and the hall paintwork had borne the brunt of our struggle, too, but when the tree was finally in situ, straight and secure, it did look magnificent.

‘It’s huge, Bells!’ Holly laughed, as she stood back to admire it and I filled the stand with water. ‘Why on earth did you go for one this size?’

‘I always have a big tree.’ I shrugged.

The real reason, of course, was that I had wanted to pull out all of the stops and indulgently decorate it with Jude. I’d had plans for an entire day filled with festive music, seasonal snacks and plenty of mulled wine. His neat and tidy room suggested I wouldn’t be doing any of that now, though. Not with him, anyway.

‘I can’t believe our toing and froing hasn’t woken Jude,’ Holly further laughed. ‘What exactly did you do to tire him out yesterday?’

I was saved from having to reply by her mobile, which started to ring.

‘Oh yes,’ she said, when she answered it. ‘I had forgotten. I’ll go back for it.’

‘Do you fancy a coffee?’ I asked her, when she ended the call.

I felt rather bad that the only reason I’d offered was because her side of the phone conversation had suggested she’d say no.

‘No, but thanks for the offer,’ she said regretfully. ‘I’d better get off. I need to pick up a prescription from the vets for Jasper.’

‘Another one?’

‘I know,’ she huffed.

‘And on a Sunday?’ I frowned. ‘That’ll cost you.’

‘Don’t,’ she said, making for the door. ‘We’re such regular customers now that Will has cut us a deal. We’ve got a hotline to him 24/7.’

‘Oh dear,’ I said, glancing over at Tink, who was sniffing at the tree but making no effort to wreck it, which I knew Jasper would have.

‘I need to keep writing about dogs to pay for my dog,’ Holly quipped, and I admired her for seeing the funny side. ‘I’ll see you in the pub on Friday for the quiz, if not before,’ she said, giving me a hug. ‘Bye, Jude!’ she then mischievously shouted, but of course there was no reply.

‘Yes,’ I said, looking at the thankfully closed bedroom door. ‘See you on Friday, and thank you for delivering Christmas. I couldn’t have had that tree without your help.’

‘And that would have been a tragedy.’ She grinned.

Once she’d gone, I considered my options. I certainly wasn’t in the mood for dressing the tree, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to face whatever was in the envelope Jude had left on his bed, either. I fed Tink, made myself a coffee, then had a long, hot shower and got dressed.

I checked and rechecked my phone, although there were no missed calls or messages, and then tried to eat some breakfast, but it didn’t matter how many times I chewed each mouthful – they were almost impossible to swallow.

‘Right,’ I said, abandoning the cereal bowl and rushing to Jude’s room, where I snatched up the envelope and returned to the sofa.

I opened it with shaking hands and pulled out what looked like a hastily written letter.

‘Darling, Bella,’ I read aloud. ‘I know that my sudden and silent departure after the hours we have just spent together will make you think the very worst of me, so I have left these words to try and explain why you will have woken this morning and found me gone.’

I drew in and let out a shaky breath, then curled my legs under me on the sofa.

‘Come on, Tink,’ I said, patting the cushions.

She obligingly jumped up, and I nestled close to her as I continued to read the rest of what Jude had written, this time in my head.

As you may recall, I didn’t answer my phone yesterday morning before we headed to town, and that was because I knew it was Tabitha who was ringing.

I felt nauseous then, assuming that Jude had returned to the woman who had previously broken his heart as well as snatched away his enjoyment of the festive season, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

She’s been messaging me for a few days, but something she sent last night when I made a trip to the kitchen after you’d fallen asleep made me realize just how deeply I have fallen in love with you, Bella.

I let out a shocked gasp, which made Tink jump.

Tabitha was begging me to forgive her and go back to her in time for Christmas, and it was the moment I read those words about being together for the holiday season that I realized the only person I ever want to be with at Christmas is you. My feelings for you surpass everything I have ever felt for anyone else, and especially Tabitha.

‘Oh, Jude!’ I choked, letting out a strangled sob.

I only ever agreed to have a fling with you because I know that’s the extent of your relationship remit and I couldn’t bear not to be with you, even if it was only ever going to be for the shortest time. But that was a mistake. Last night was like nothing I have ever experienced before, and I am broken-hearted to know that I’ll never experience it again. I don’t expect you to forgive me for taking off without a spoken word, but I hope, having read this, you will perhaps understand why I have done it. I love you, Bella, with the whole of my heart, and I always will.

Jude x

I dropped the letter, pulled Tink closer and sobbed so hard I thought my heart was going to tear in two. If only I had spoken first in town the day before. If only I had told Jude that I had fallen in love with him and that I wanted to have so much more than a stupid fling with him, then neither of us would now be nursing a broken heart.

I had felt bereft the first time I’d thought I had lost him, but I had been given a second chance courtesy of his terrible crash, and I had now stupidly squandered that, too. I had wasted the opportunity to confess my true feelings, and now I was left with a shattered heart, which ached with longing and regret.