Howl (Monster Boyfriends #1)

Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

RAEGAN

T here’s a tall and lanky nerd of a man wearing black framed glasses standing guard outside the entrance of the werewolf camp. I’m small, but I’m pretty sure if I really wanted to get by, I could knock this guy on his ass.

Currently, he’s squinting at my face as if he’s trying to place me.

“Need your prescription updated?” I ask, attempting humor.

The sound of my voice seems to trigger his memory, and finally the muscles in his scrunched expression soften to recognition. “Raegan! It’s you!”

I tilt my head and further examine the man in front of me. If he knows me, shouldn’t I know him? As I look him up and down, I take in his baggy jeans and ripped brown sweater. The yarn is fraying in multiple places, and there's a slit cut into the collar, whether on purpose or by accident, I’m unsure. His face does look familiar, and now I’m giving him the same scrutinizing expression.

I try to imagine him without the clothes. Not naked— because eww —but the style is throwing me off. Then it hits me.

“Tyler!” He beams once I’ve realized who is his. “Nerdy little Tyler Paulson. I used to babysit you when I was in high school!”

He blushes. “Still nerdy,” he confesses shyly, pointing to his glasses. To me he’s giving more of a scholarly skater style.

“You stopped my laptop from crashing when I had that major science paper due! Wow, you’re all grown up.” I take him in again. Puberty didn’t necessarily fill him out, but it shot him to about six feet. “I heard you work at the tech store.”

Tyler nods proudly. “Yep. I’m a Gadget Ghoul.”

“I didn’t know you were a werewolf.”

For a second, I wonder if that was rude of me to say, but my attention is suddenly pulled to someone behind his right shoulder.

My stomach flutters.

A shirtless Jamie comes to stand behind Tyler and places a steady hand on his shoulder.

“Hey there, lemon,” he greets me, voice rough with a longing I can’t quite put my finger on, but the instant heat it elicits between my legs leaves no room for interpretation.

Holy shit. It’s official: I want Jamie bad.

I’ve seen him without a shirt before, but not since my sexual enlightenment. Instead of just seeing him as a best friend who happens to be male, now I see him as…well, very male. I’m obsessed with the toned shape of his muscles and how they balance so well with his slender flame. He’s not a buffed out body-builder, but the V cut beneath his abs is deliciously detailed.

Tyler steps away, a very different expression on his face now that Jamie is here. He almost looks worried. He glances back at me and something clicks behind his eyes, then he scurries off into the camp.

What the hell just happened?

Jamie saunters over to where I’m standing at the edge of the property, but he does not look happy to see me. “What are you doing here?”

We both know my being here means I know things I shouldn’t, but I don’t know how to answer him.

“What made you…” He trails off, and I watch his eyes grow slowly in realization. “You feel it too, don’t you?”

“Jamie,” my voice wavers as I speak his name, “what’s going on?”

He gives in and takes my hand, and I follow him through the camp past many wandering eyes. I think I hear a snarl or two, and Jamie quickens his step, forcing me to keep up at a brisk pace. His back muscles are clenched so tightly I can make out the entire structure of his shoulder blades. My being here is clearly making him upset, but it’s too late for me to turn back now.

As we weave our way through mobile homes and tents, I find myself still trying to rationalize the situation. Maybe he’s friends with the werewolves, like he’s friends with Aidan. Perhaps he comes here often. Kendra mentioned his uncle is a werewolf, so maybe he just likes to visit his family.

Eventually, we reach a large wooden structure shaped like a bell tent at the far end of the camp, the top of which just barely sweeps the lowest branches of the surrounding trees. As we enter, I’m awestruck by the interior. There’s a completely separate sleeping and kitchen area, along with a small table with four chairs.

Jamie gestures for me to take a seat at the table, so I do. He sits across from me, hands laced together on the table’s surface with a pained expression on his face. His gaze falls to my own hands that are clasped in my lap, a little too properly, but I’m not sure what else to do with them. I’ve never once felt awkward around Jamie, but right now I feel as if my bones are trying to crawl out of my skin and run away.

“I think we both know why you’re here,” he starts, eyes still not looking away from my hands.

For some reason, his desire to jump right to the nitty gritty rubs me the wrong way. “You sound like you’re about to give me detention.”

I watch him fight the smallest smirk, but it’s not enough to crack his serious expression.

Yes, I’ve most likely figured out why he’s been keeping things from me and acting strangely all week long, but I don’t want to skip over the fact that he did those things in the first place. He nearly ran out on me this morning, just after asking me to move in with him the day before. He might be ready to confess, but I’m not ready to gloss over the way he’s made me feel.

“Why did you leave so quickly this morning?”

His eyes dart sideways, avoiding mine. “You know why,” he states plainly.

I buckle down. “No I don’t.”

“You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t.” With every word he says, his shoulders draw further and further in, like he's preparing for me to explode.

Maybe it’s just because of spite, but I do just that. “Just say it, Jamie!”

My voice nears a shout, but I reel it back. I can feel myself slipping into an accusatory state, but I don’t want Jamie to think I’m mad. I’m not mad. Maybe a little wounded that he didn’t trust me, but not mad. I just want him to explain it to me. In his own words, not the ones I’ve come up with in my head.

“Please,” I add quietly. My eyes linger on his bare chest again, and a need to touch him signals like a lighthouse in my mind. Not in a sexual way. I just want him to hold me. I need the reassurance of his warmth, of his strength.

He looks more pained now than when he first sat down. I can tell he doesn’t like that he’s made me upset. I watch as his hunched shoulders straighten, and his chest moves out and then slowly in as he takes a calming breath.

“You’re right,” he says quietly, finally meeting my eyes. “I’m sorry. I was hoping since you figured it out, we could skip this part.” He smiles tentatively, turning into a wince. He closes his eyes. “But you deserve an explanation.”

I force my gaze away from his chest and speak truthfully. “This has been one of the hardest, most confusing weeks of my life. I just need to know why.”

He rubs his temples nervously. “I don’t know why.”

I frown and repeat his statement, trying hard to keep the bite out of my words. “You don’t know.”

“I mean, it’s just...” He fumbles on his words. “I don’t know why I hid it for so long. You’ve had a hard and confusing week because of me. I know that. But I can’t give you a true reason behind it.” His mouth twists into a sour expression. “I think there’s always been a part of me that wishes I could hide from what I am. Not just from others, but from myself.”

He uncrosses his arms from where they’ve been resting on the table and his hands lock into fists. I pull back slightly, but then he tucks them away beneath the table. Even when he’s angry at himself, I know Jamie would never put me in harm's way.

“When we first met,” I start, but then he answers by finishing my sentence for me.

“I didn’t tell you because you seemed so against paranormals. The way you talked about your family—” I flinch, but he scoots his chair closer. “I’m not blaming you. I’m saying I took what you said as an excuse to continue to hide. I was still in denial at the time. We’d just moved to Shadow Hills. My entire life had been uprooted, and all because of something I couldn’t control. So I didn’t talk about it. I kept my wolf a secret, thinking that the more I pushed him down, eventually he’d just…go away. But he didn’t.”

“Your wolf.” Saying it out loud feels almost freeing. Not quite there, but a positive step toward it.

He must see my need for confirmation in my face, because he nods carefully, then says, “Yes, Raegan. I’m a werewolf.”

I thought the actual confession would elicit more of a reaction, but I feel nothing. I’m not even moved. I guess as I tried to process everything on the way here, in the back of my mind I already accepted what he is. And what he’s always been, what he still is: my Jamie.

He drops his chin and pulls his arms back, tucking them close to his torso. “I’m afraid of losing control,” he admits in a low tone. “It happens every month, and I’m afraid every time.”

I lean in and lightly stoke his forearm. It hurts me to see him like this. So vulnerable. So fearful of himself. I can’t imagine what that must feel like, having to relinquish control of your own mind and body. Not once, not twice, but every lunar cycle.

“Is that why you had a fever this morning?” I ask, still feeling the heat radiating off his skin. “Because your body is telling you it’s time to shift?”

He nods. “I always end up fighting it until the last second.”

He glances up, and when I follow his gaze I find a skylight in the center of the ceiling. Tonight, the view would be perfect for stargazing, but right now, it only serves as a reminder that Jamie’s time is almost up. The sun has spent most of the morning hiding behind rain clouds. The moon might not be visible, but it lingers out there on the horizon, inching closer and closer to its highest point in the sky.

Though I feel much better now that Jamie has actually spoken the words I needed to hear, my mind is still spinning with questions. And the next one comes out without thinking. “I don’t understand how you’ve managed to hide this for so long. Who else knows?”

The tiniest smirk lifts the corner of his mouth. “The pack, obviously,” he starts. “And Aidan.”

“That’s it?”

“Well, my parents. But yeah. That’s it.”

Suddenly I’m struck with a new fear and I can’t help the panic in my voice. “Jamie, paranormals have to be registered. If the mayor doesn’t know about you, you could get in serious trouble.”

The words rush out of me frantically, as if Mayor Musthaven could burst through the wall at any moment. But Jamie takes my hand and gently starts rubbing circles into my palm.

“It’s okay, Rae,” he tells me. “I understand the risk.”

“I thought you were going to start calling me lemon,” I tease, my heart pumping loudly in my ears.

His lips part, and I follow the trail his tongue takes as it darts out to lick his bottom lip. “I’ll save that for a different occasion.”

My stomach does a somersault, and the new curious side of my brain wants to believe he’s implying what my body hopes he’s implying, but I can’t be sure.

“So what happens now?” I ask, trying to ignore the sudden ache in my core.

Jamie swallows hard and gazes out the tent flap to the camp beyond. “I have to shift. I can’t wait it out much longer. But it’s only for tonight. Then I’ll be back to normal.”

Back to normal.

I hate that he views this natural part of himself as not normal. Embracing what he is is one thing, but to embrace the act of losing himself over and over, that’s another act of strength entirely.

Suddenly he winces as if he’s gotten a sharp headache, and I notice he’s sweating more profusely now. Rivulets of sweat run from his temple and down his toned chest.

“I know there’s a lot you still want to know,” he says, “but can we finish this conversation back at our place?” he asks, his tone extremely gentle, like he’s holding a baby bird. “I promise I’ll tell you everything. Right now, it’s just getting harder for me to think straight.”

It feels like years ago that Jamie asked me to move in and I officially accepted. But it was only yesterday.

“Of course.” I stand up quickly and he rushes to my side.

“Go straight home, okay. It’s not a good idea for you to linger.”

His comment only makes me worry about him. What dangerous situation am I leaving him in?

“Is everything okay?”

He keeps his hand pressed to my lower back as he leads me through the camp, all the while keeping his eyes on those around us. “Yes, yes,” he insists. “I’ll be fine. It’s you I’m worried about. I don’t want you here when the others start to shift.”

Suddenly I’m keenly aware that I’m in a literal den of wolves, and I’m reminded of what Aidan told me about werewolves losing their human morals after shifting. I walk a little faster as we near the front gate.

“You’ll be there when I get back, right?” Jamie asks.

His sincerity is like a balm to my raw fear. As if I’d be anywhere else.

“Yes,” I promise. “I will.”