Hung By the Fire (Evergreen Lake: Under the Mistletoe)

Chapter 20

twenty

BETHANY

I didn’t mean to fall asleep in Cole’s arms, little spoon to his big one in front of the fire. It was the last thing I should have done because it made everything harder. Except talking about myself had drained me, and for the first time I felt safe reliving the past. So safe, I simply fell asleep.

I’d done therapy, and it helped, but I always held back a little. Even when talking with my mom and sisters, I don’t think any of us were fully honest. We held something back so the rest wouldn’t be hurt, wouldn’t feel that pain again. I’d told Cole things about how I felt that I’d never told anyone before.

It was likely stupid. Soon I’d be alone again, with new memories of Evergreen Lake that would be just as hard to forget or get over as before.

A soft giggle came from Joy’s room, signaling her alertness. She always awoke happy, as if certain all would be right in her world today.

I envied her a little. She had absolute faith and confidence she’d be taken care of by the ones who loved her and were trusted with her. Twisting my body slightly to free myself from his embrace, I watched as Cole fumbled in his sleep as if searching for me. We hadn’t even gotten undressed. Except for our shoes and the heaviest of our sweaters, we were fully clothed, an oddity when it came to us spending the night together.

Except last night wasn’t about sex, about passion. It was about me trusting him with my loss and pain. I’d gotten some of that from him already. Listening to the pain of his childhood had gutted me. Except there was more under the surface, more pain from losing Brian and Tricia, and I didn’t know if I’d ever get that part of him, no matter how much I wanted him to trust me as much as I trusted him.

And what if you did? Is it going to change anything? What happens next month when it’s time to leave and face reality again?

I’d be leaving with a broken heart, pieces of it staying behind with the man still sleeping on the floor and the baby rousing in the other room.

Lifting myself off the floor, I padded into Joy’s room and peered into the crib.

“Good morning, cupcake. Did you have fun with Aunt Nadine last night?” She’d been fast asleep when we picked her up and stayed that way on the walk back home. Not home. I caught myself thinking of this house as home more and more, but it wasn’t. At least not mine.

A waving hand was my answer. Lifting her from the crib, I moved Joy to the changing table, getting her changed and into a Christmas onesie I’d found the other day.

I picked her up and we made our way back down the hall, passing a still sleeping Cole on our way to the kitchen. “Your uncle’s still passed out, Joy.” As I put coffee on and started breakfast, I tried not to think about leaving here. Leaving Aunt Nadine again.

Leaving Cole and Joy.

Except the thoughts were never far from my mind.

“Morning.” Cole’s sleep-roughened voice sent shivers through my body. There was something about the sexiness, the deepness, that set my body on fire and only a handsome firefighter seemed to be able to get it under control.

Or make it burn all the brighter.

“Morning yourself,” I answered.

As if it were the most natural thing in the world for him to do, he prowled over to me, slid his hand around my throat and around to the nape of my neck before tangling it in my hair. My breath caught just before he lowered his mouth to mine, our tongues tangling in a dance that was at once filthy and sweet.

“God, I love the taste of my whiskey girl.”

The part of my heart that had gone all in on this man reveled in being called his.

The small part I still had control of, the part that was trying to hang on because it knew the hurt that was coming, clawed in all the deeper. Like fingertips trying to grasp onto a sheer rockface.

Joy clapped and with a quick kiss on my lips, he turned toward her bouncy seat.

“Good morning to you too, my pretty girl. Santa couldn’t have a prettier helper,” he cooed to her in response to her outfit. He lifted her out of the seat and strode to the window. “Looks like we got more snow last night.”

White blanketed the ground, still untouched early in the morning.

“Yup, and I think more’s on the way.”

“Tomorrow’s shift is going to be a nightmare, I’m sure.”

We sat at the table, Cole alternating between feeding Joy and himself, both of us silent. In previous relationships, the silence always felt awkward, but it never did with Cole. Still, I had to break it.

“Thank you for last night.”

He glanced over, his eyes growing darker, like they did when he was aroused. “We didn’t even do anything, but I’m more than ready to make up for my mistake.”

While the thought of taking him up on his offer was tempting, I wouldn’t be deterred.

“I meant for listening. For letting me get through my story. For understanding what this town has meant in my life over the years.” I may be giving too much away, but I couldn’t help it. I also wanted him to know and to maybe open up to me. “I worried about coming back here, but it was everything I didn’t know I needed. A time I’ll never regret.”

Those eyes of his burned bright gold again and his gaze bore into me. I had to protect myself, so I wouldn’t say the words, but if he’d come to know me at all, he could understand.

“I won’t either.”

Our gazes stayed locked for endless seconds, until Joy made her presence, and disapproval at the lack of being fed, known. Every time this baby displayed her ever growing personality, I couldn’t help but smile.

“You never told me what happened. Why you have Joy? I just know her parents are gone.”

Cole’s hand stilled as he lifted the spoon full of banana baby food to Joy’s mouth. The hesitation did not make her happy and her waving hands got him moving again.

“Car accident.” The words came out stilted. I knew he didn’t want to talk about it, but if anyone knew it was important to get it out at some point, it was me. “I got the call when I was at work and hopped a flight to them as soon as possible. They were both hanging on when I arrived at the hospital, but I talked to the doctors and saw pictures of the accident. It was a miracle they even made it into the med truck.”

I refused to stop the tears leaking from my eyes. They were for two people I didn’t know, but also for the two people in front of me, whom I realized I loved beyond anything I could truly comprehend.

“Joy wasn’t with them?” Aunt Nadine hadn’t said anything about her being hurt and it didn’t appear to be the case, but I wanted to know.

“No, she had been with a sitter. It was their first time out after having her.” Cole’s normally fluid movements became hesitant, almost jerky. As if he were trying to control his emotions. “It was their anniversary, and they worried they shouldn’t leave her, but a neighbor offered. Some drunk asshole plowed into them, sending them tumbling down a small cliff.”

His hands clenched, and even Joy could sense something was wrong. Her anxiousness for the bananas quickly waned in light of her uncle’s expression. I wanted to go to him, to offer him comfort, but I didn’t think he would take it. Because he doesn’t believe he deserves it.

“Luckily, someone else was on the road and called 911, but it was essentially too late. By the time a crew got to them, they were already unconscious and they stayed that way.”

Cole stood and paced to the window overlooking the backyard. I watched his shoulders bunch. He wanted to fight against what happened, but like so many tragedies, there was nothing he could do. This was not a man who broke easily, but the loss of his friends, those he considered his closest and only friends, his only family, had taken its toll on him. “I spent the next two days going back and forth between hospital rooms and getting back to their house to check on Joy who was still with the neighbor. I thought telling them she was fine would help, but I knew it wouldn’t. I’d seen too many accidents like theirs, too many victims like them.”

He walked back to Joy, picking her up, cradling her to him as if she was the most precious gift. In a way, I think that was true. “Tricia passed first, but Brian wasn’t far behind. I got the hospital to let me bring Joy upstairs. I’d like to think they knew she was there and okay.”

This time it was Cole who had a tear slide down his cheek. I crossed to him, giving him the same tender touch he showed me last night.

“They knew you were both there, knew you were taking care of each other.” Joy patted his cheek, mimicking my move, and he clutched her a little tighter. “Did you know they named you her guardian?”

“I guess,” he let out on a strained laugh. “Tricia went to work for a law firm and once they found out they were pregnant, they started getting everything into place for the future. Those lawyers were no joke. I think they had wills and whatever else drafted within days.” He smiled, as if trying to find some sort of lightness in the moment. “Brian asked during all of that, and I said yeah, but who the hell thinks it would happen?”

No one. We go through life not thinking of the “what ifs” or “what would happen.” My sisters and I had that talk one day with Izzy because, of all of us, she was the one with things in place, but I guess when a person survives childhood cancer, they have a different outlook on the future.

“The neighbor was a godsend and agreed to watch Joy since I had no idea what the hell was going on, let alone enough brainpower to deal with a baby.” The baby in question, still peaceful in Cole’s arms, laid her head on his chest. “I stayed in the house wondering what I was supposed to be doing. Then one of Tricia’s bosses and a social worker, carrying Joy, came to their house a few days after the service. The lawyer explained everything, but I have to say, I didn’t really follow.” He looked down at her, a grin teasing his mouth, and she smiled back. “All I got was that Joy was mine now. I tried to explain I didn’t know what to do with a baby, that I wouldn’t be good for her, but they said it was what Brian and Tricia wanted.”

Because they knew him. They knew that the most important thing in the world to them, their daughter, would be safe with this man. They didn’t doubt him.

It was a damned shame he doubted himself.

“So, I came home. Packed up their stuff, most of it’s still in boxes in my garage, and came back here. I’ve been trying to figure it all out since then.”

Before I could say anything, Joy lifted her head, placed her chubby little hands on Cole’s face and kissed him. Or slobbered on him. Sort of the same thing at this stage in life.

“Joy thinks you’re doing a fine job.”

He shot me a look I was coming to know all too well. It said “you’re crazy and wrong, but thank you for saying that.” I didn’t have to say anything in response as there was nothing to say. He still wouldn’t believe it.

“I lost pretty much the only people that meant anything to me that night. The only people I trusted. For some reason they thought I should be trusted with Joy, so I have to do everything I can to prove it wasn’t misplaced.”

We both turned to the window, the sunlight barely filtering through a snow cloud sky and watched a cardinal settle on the porch railing. As always when she saw the bird, Joy clapped.

And another little piece of my heart gave way to man and baby. I knew that bird was telling me I was meant to be here for them. I just had to get Cole to believe it too.