I Really Can’t Stay (A.R.’s Holiday Standalones #1)

Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

“ I ’m so nervous,” I mutter aloud as I approach the small town of San Ysabel. I’m heading back to Julian, trying to keep myself from spiraling with every mile that passes.

We’ve already exchanged I love you’s.

And it’s true. I’ve fallen hard and fast for Miller Ryan, and I know that with every piece of me.

But there’s still so much unknown.

How will we make this work? An hour drive is significant, but not impossible.

What about in the future when we want to live together? How can I possibly ask him to give up his life in Julian…but what about mine in San Diego?

And then there’s an entirely other issue at hand. What if the Stokes family doesn’t accept my apology for lying to them?

From the backseat, Potato growls low in his small crate, drawing me from my thoughts. He hates being confined in the carrier, and hates car rides even more. I know he’s going to be miserable at Miller’s house for the next couple of days, but I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving him again.

Originally, I only had New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day off, but I was able to switch a couple of shifts and give myself a little extra time to spend in Julian with Miller.

Now, I’m on my way back up to where this all started, this time with Potato in tow. It feels like a lifetime has passed, when in reality, it’s been a week.

How has my life turned upside down in just seven days?

“I know, buddy, I know. We’re almost there, I promise.”

No sooner do the words leave my mouth, my phone rings, blasting through the speakers and startling me. My heart beats wildly as I press the green button on my dash to answer the call.

“Hey, Gen!”

“Hey! Do you have any plans tonight? Mine fell through, so I wanted to see if you were free.” Her voice fills my car, and I turn the volume down just a bit so it’s not blaring.

“I’m actually almost to Julian.”

“Oh! I can hear the smile in your tone, Zee. Ringing in the new year with your new beau?”

“You could say that. Going to come clean to his aunt and uncle today, and I’m a nervous wreck.”

My stomach twists in knots as my car climbs further up the mountain.

“Stop. They already love you. That won’t change.”

“They’ve met me once,” I stress. “They’re going to be really pissed that I lied to them from the get-go.”

“Eh.” Something rustles in the background, muffling her voice a little. “Don’t put words in their mouth, Zee. Just see what happens.”

I sigh and glance in my rearview mirror again. “You’re right.”

“Typically, I am. Is that hot doctor going to be there?”

“How do you know he’s hot?”

“Because you have good taste in men. You wouldn’t have gone on a date with him if he wasn’t attractive.”

My head bobs along in agreement even though she can’t see it. She’s not wrong. All the men I chose for holidates were super cute. “Yes, Lincoln is supposed to be there. He’s feeling just as guilty as I am about this.”

“Good, place the blame on him. It was his idea. It’s his family.”

“I know, but I really care about Miller, and that’s his family, too.”

“Ah, Zee. Always so logical.”

“So, what happened to your plans tonight?” I ask, drumming my fingers against the steering wheel.

“Killian and I broke up.”

I roll my eyes. “I didn’t realize you were seeing him again.”

I don’t know Killian, per se, but I know what she’s told me about him and it’s enough to make me not like him.

“ Again being the operative word. I should’ve learned the first time.”

“We all make mistakes.”

“Yeah, well, I won’t be making that one again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, and all that.”

“I’m here if you need anything.”

“Technically, you’re not, because I need to get drunk tonight and kiss a new prince at midnight.” She laughs at herself. “Seriously though, I know you are, Zee. Thank you. Do you need me to check on Potato while you’re gone?”

Smiling, I glance at him in my rearview mirror. “No, I actually brought him.”

“That was rude of you. Uprooting him from his comfy home on a holiday.”

“I know , but I wasn’t sure how long I would be up here, and I didn’t want to ask you to watch him without having a solid plan.”

“You know I would’ve done it,” she singsongs, seeming a little distant from her phone. She must have set it down.

“That's because you’re the best.”

“Speakin’ the truth. Okay, well, I need to go call a few more people to see what is happening tonight. I don’t really want to ring in the new year alone.”

“Be safe. Let me know what you end up doing!”

“Will do, drive carefully.”

“Thanks.” Hanging up, I turn my attention to a very grumpy Potato in the back again. “We’re almost there, buddy,” I coo, hoping to bring him some comfort even though he’s probably trying to think of ways to murder me in my sleep.

Up ahead, I spot the Ryan Family Tree sign, and excitement races through me. Passing the corner tree farm, I follow the GPS instructions and drive a little further, turning down an unmarked road about a quarter mile down.

The road is freshly plowed of snow, but seems to go on forever as I follow it.

Finally, the trees thin, and a quaint cabin comes into view, settled in the middle of the picturesque forest.

Smoke rises from the chimney, and Miller's red truck is parked out front. Pulling my car up beside it, I turn it off just as Miller opens the front door.

As he emerges onto his porch, I can’t help but swoon as he tucks his hands into his pockets, looking every ounce the lumber snack I know him to be in his red flannel jacket with his white tee shirt underneath, his jeans, and boots.

“Hi,” he says, pulling open the driver’s side door. Bending at the waist, he leans in and kisses me as I unbuckle my seatbelt.

“Hey.”

In the backseat, Potato lets out another low growl again.

“He pissed?” Miller glances at my cat's carrier in the backseat.

“Immensely.”

“Great. I wonder how he’s going to get along with Penny.”

“I think it’ll be best to lock him in your second bedroom. He’ll probably hide most of the time anyway, but if he does venture out from under the bed, it’ll be good to have him confined to one room.”

“Yeah, whatever you think is best.”

Grabbing my overnight bag, and the cat carrier, Miller leads us into his cabin, waiting until I'm fully in before using his boot to close the door behind us.

It’s sparse, but exactly what I pictured for him. A substantial fire roars in the fireplace, filling the air with its warmth—a stark difference from the temperature outside. There’s a cozy couch with a burgundy-colored blanket tossed over the top, a couple of end tables, and a flatscreen TV mounted on the wall opposite the fireplace.

As I look around and take it all in, Miller brings my belongings to the guest room. I want to explore, but follow him instead so I can get Potato set up and comfortable in his temporary environment.

“Hopefully he doesn’t take too long to settle in.” Miller places the carrier on top of the bed, then kisses the side of my head and leaves me to it, shutting the door quietly behind him.

The door to the cat carrier hardly swings on its hinges before Potato zooms out and hides under the guest room bed.

“You’ll be safe here, big guy. This is only for a couple days.” My words are spoken in vain, as not even a grumpy meow responds back.

Moving into the attached bathroom, I set up his litter box and bowls, then put a small scratching post near the foot of the bed.

When I’m satisfied my fur baby has everything he needs, I close the door quietly behind me, and seek out Miller, finding him sitting on the couch. When he sees me, he opens his arms wide so I can sink onto his lap. My arms curl around his neck as his arms encircle my waist, and I press a soft kiss to the side of his cheek. His scruff is rough against my lips, but I pepper him in more kisses, anyway.

“Potato good?” he asks, rubbing his thumb against the small sliver of skin my shirt is exposing.

“He will be. He’s hiding.”

“That’s good. Penny can’t get in there and terrorize him, so I’m sure he’ll get comfortable in no time.”

“Thank you for letting me bring him.”

“Of course. Anything you need.”

Our lips meet in a soft kiss, which he breaks all too soon. Tucking my messy hair behind my ears, he says, “We have a few hours before we have to be at my aunt and uncles. Anything you want to do? We could go into town if you want to check it out.”

“Actually, I did think of something I want to do, but it’s kind of silly.”

“I enjoy silly sometimes. What is it?”

Biting my lip, I try not to giggle with excitement at the thought of doing such a childish activity, but I can’t help how giddy just the thought of it makes me. Looking up at him, I ask, “Do you want to build a snowman with me?”

He roars a laugh. “That’s what you want to do?”

I blush, nodding enthusiastically. Even if he doesn’t want to, I can still go out and do it myself. “Yes.”

Grabbing my hand, he pulls us from the couch and tugs me further into his home. “Okay, if we’re going to do this, we have to do it right. Tell me what you want your snowman to wear.”

As I throw out ideas, he leads me down the hall, tapping his finger to his lips in thought as we set off in search of supplies.

“I think I might be sick.” Shaking my hands nervously, I look over at Miller, wondering if my face reflects a shade of green since I’m feeling like I might vomit.

I’m about to come face-to-face with the family I lied to. Face-to-face with the man I fake -dated.

Blowing out a very shaky breath, I look out the window, my foot bouncing against the floorboard of the truck.

“It’s going to be fine.” Miller reaches over and squeezes my knee. “Just relax, Snow Angel.”

“I just can’t shake the feeling that this is all about to blow up in my face.”

“I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Tim and Tina are reasonable people. You’ll see.”

“And Lincoln?”

Miller takes a right-hand turn onto his aunt and uncle’s street.

“What about him?”

“What if he’s decided this is too weird for him? He’s had time to think. What if his fake girlfriend of one day dating his actual cousin is too…awkward?”

“I think you are overthinking this way too much. I promise you everything will be fine.”

In the next breath, we’re pulling into the familiar driveway of Tim and Tina’s house, up alongside Lincoln’s car. The sun is setting, darkness beginning to shroud all around us, and it feels like a warning, which doesn't give me a lot of comfort.

Coming around to my side of the truck, Miller opens my door and extends his hand, helping me hop out. He presses a chaste kiss to my lips as he closes the door, then laces his fingers with mine and leads me up the porch.

He barely lifts his hand to knock when the door is practically pulled from his hinges.

“Miller! Holly! It’s so good to see you both. Please, come in, come in.” Tina smooths her hands against her apron and steps aside for us to enter.

She kisses my cheek in greeting and I send a panicked look in Miller’s direction before he helps me shrug out of my coat. Squeezing my hip reassuringly, he turns to his aunt and wraps her in a hug.

I’m about to explode with nerves.

“Seems like the five of us have some things to discuss!” Tina claps her hands. “C’mon, Linc and Tim are in the living room.”

A wave of guilt hits me at the mention of Lincoln’s name, and as I follow her into the other room where the men are, he instantly greets me with a wide smile. Pushing up from his seat, he walks over to meet with his arms open, pulling me into a warm hug.

“Hey! You look well.” He kisses me on the side of the head, like a brother would do to a sister.

Dropping my voice, I look up at him. “I need to tell them. Sooner than later.”

He nods, understanding shining through his eyes. “Whenever you’re ready.”

“That would be never,” I grumble. “But I guess now is good.”

We all take a seat around the coffee table, Tina on the side of the couch closest to where Tim sits in his recliner, and Lincoln in the opposite recliner. Miller and I take the other cushions on the couch.

Despite the looks of curiosity from his aunt and uncle, Miller takes my hand again and pulls it into his lap. Our intertwined fingers rest on his thigh, and I don’t miss the way Tina’s gaze drops to them before she looks up at me.

Tension is thick in the air as we all sit silently, and I glance at Lincoln, hoping he’ll take the lead on this.

After another heavily awkward moment, he speaks, and relief floods through me. “So, I guess you can see that Holly and I aren’t together. It turns out she and Miller have something pretty special, and I couldn’t be the guy to stand in their way.”

Tim’s gaze bounces from his son to Miller before his eyes connect with mine. He says nothing, though, and instead turns to his wife. Tina wears a blank expression, which is strange to see on her. Usually so enthusiastic, right now she’s being quiet and reserved.

“I never came here and expected to meet someone who instantly captured my interest.” I swallow the lump in my throat as my heart threatens to combust in my chest. I feel physically sick. Terrified of what they’ll think of me after this. “Meeting Miller was a coincidence. I had no idea he owned the tree farm when I walked over to it, let alone was related to Lincoln. I thought he was just some nice guy who helped ice my ankle after I embarrassed myself. I was completely caught off guard when he walked in on Christmas morning.”

“How do you feel about this?” Tina asks Lincoln. There’s a slight bite to her tone that makes me want to cave in on myself.

Lincoln glances down at his lap before looking back at his mother. “Holly and I were actually never together, Mom. In fact, we didn’t even know each other prior to Christmas Eve.”

My heart twists as I add, “And my name isn’t Holly. It’s Elizabeth. Zee for short.”

“I don’t understand.” Tina’s face contorts with confusion.

“Your name isn’t Holly?” Tim chimes in. “Why would you give us a fake name?”

“Because this was never supposed to be more than a one-time meeting. I met Lincoln through a dating app called SparksFly after I created a profile so I could set up a few holiday dates throughout the month.” My eyes meet his for a second before I drop them back to my lap. Miller squeezes my hand, encouraging me to continue. “Lincoln reached out and asked if I would join him for Christmas Eve dinner. We met for coffee that morning so that we weren’t complete strangers upon coming here.”

“None of this makes any sense to me,” Tina says with sadness. “Why lie?” But that question isn’t directed at me. She’s looking at Lincoln.

He sighs, and I can tell he’s struggling with what he wants to say to his parents. “I’ve worked really hard through med school and working my way up at the hospital. I guess I just couldn’t take another holiday where the main point of topic was when I would meet someone and settle down. Holly— Elizabeth —presented as the perfect cover. It was purely by chance that I found her profile that night, and I don’t regret having her come for Christmas Eve. If I hadn’t, she wouldn’t have met Miller, and that dopey grin on his face hasn’t left since he met her.”

“I’ve fallen in love with her,” Miller asserts, scooting closer to the edge of the couch. He reaches over me and grabs his aunt's hand. “Please don’t be angry at Zee for all of this.”

“I’m not angry,” Tina shoots back, definitely sounding angry. “I’m just so confused. Lincoln, why would you not just ask us to stop bringing up when you might settle down? We love you. We just want to see you happy.”

“I hate disappointing you, and every time I had to tell you I was still single, it felt like I was doing exactly that. It’s clear you’re ready for grandchildren, but that’s just not where I’m at this point in my life. I’m focusing on my career and myself. If I meet someone, then the rest will work itself out in due time.”

“So your name is Elizabeth?” Tim asks, still trying to get up to speed, completely ignoring everything his son just said.

“Yes.” My voice comes out small and timid.

I hate that I feel so hesitant around these people who have been nothing but kind to me. But, like Lincoln, I’m finding their disappointment to be utterly heart-wrenching.

“And you set up a dating profile under a fake name, so you could go on dates with multiple men.”

I wince. When he says it like that , it sounds so much worse than it is. “Yes, but it’s not like what you’re thinking it is. All the dates knew they were nothing more than a holidate. I was simply a companion for their holiday parties.”

“Why would you want to do that, sweetheart?” Tina asks in a motherly tone.

I want to answer her, but words feel like sandpaper on my tongue. Opening and closing my mouth a couple times, I end up looking down into my lap, embarrassed and overwhelmed. “I… Because… I just…”

“Because her entire family died over the summer and she didn’t want to be alone for the holidays,” Miller says with frustration, scrubbing his palm down his face.

His words hang in the air, and I look at him, horror-struck. It feels like Miller just carved into my heart with a searing hot knife, slashing through it until he met the weakest spot. My family's faces flit through my mind, and I suck in a sharp breath, finding it hard to breathe.

He knows I didn’t want to tell them that yet.

Tears spring to my eyes, my heart shattering into pieces, and immediately Miller realizes what he’s said.

His eyes widen. “Zee, I’m so?—”

“I need some air,” I interrupt, jumping to my feet. “I’m sorry. I just need some air.”

Rushing from the living room, I pull my coat from the coatrack, swinging it over my shoulders as I race through the door. It slams shut behind me, the thud echoing into the quiet winter night.

Power walking down the driveway, I hang a left when I reach the end and walk up the road, needing to clear my head. Tears cascade down my cheeks as I let my feet guide me to nowhere in particular.

It’s not that I didn’t want the Stokes family to understand why I did what I did. I planned on telling them eventually, or maybe even explaining it to them tonight, in my own way.

But instead, Miller let the words slip from his mouth.

When I finally pay attention to my surroundings, I’m not surprised to find I’m back at the farm, standing under the Ryan Family Tree Farm sign. With a heavy heart, I stare at Miller’s last name, wondering how this last week of my life became so crazy.

There’s a thick chain around the gate and I can’t get in, so instead, I take a seat on the stump next to it, resting my elbows on my knees as I lean my head into my hands. I just need a minute, then I’ll go back.

I replay everything in my head, picturing the look on Tina’s face and the confusion on Tim’s. This family has been nothing but good to me, and I feel like the worst person in the world for deceiving them.

How could Miller tell them about my family?

It was an accident . I try to reason with myself. He didn’t mean to tell them when I wasn’t ready .

My tears continue to fall, the wind cold against them, causing a shiver to run through me. My nose is frozen and runny, thanks to the waterfall of tears I’ve cried.

The sound of footsteps crunching in the snow alerts me to someone else’s presence, and as I look up, I see Miller approaching. His hands are in his pockets, and he walks closer with tentative steps, probably trying to gauge how upset I am.

When he reaches me, he drops to his knees in the snow and grabs my face with his glove-covered hands. “I’m so sorry, I overstepped. I fucked up. I’m so sorry.” He kisses me urgently, then pulls back and continues to apologize. “I didn’t mean to. It just slipped out. I wanted them to understand.” His kisses are frantic, and this time I can’t tell if the tears are coming from me or him. “Can you forgive me, Snow Angel? Please . I’m so sorry.”

“I just feel like such a horrible person,” I sob, and he pulls me closer in his arms.

“You’re not.”

“But I’m a liar. Do they hate me?”

“No, of course they don’t hate you.”

“Did you tell them the whole story?” My heart sinks as I ask. Part of me hopes he did, so I won’t have to relive it, but the other part fears their pity. I don’t want them to forgive me based on guilt about what happened to my family.

“I did. I had to, Zee. I’m sorry. After you left, the three of them were throwing questions at me faster than I could keep up, so I explained everything. They’re worried about you, but they know not to ask you about it. They’ll wait till you’re ready to tell them.”

“They don’t hate me?” I repeat my earlier question, my brain unable to focus on anything else or move past the agonizing thought of them being mad at me.

Miller squeezes my hands and dips his head until he’s in my line of vision, forcing me to look at him. “No Elizabeth, they don’t hate you. They’re just worried and they’re trying to understand.”

“Okay.” I nod my head, listening to his words as he brushes the tears from my cheeks. “Okay, that’s good.”

Miller and I stay in this position until I start to relax more. It takes a few minutes for my heart rate to return to almost normal, and I feel like I can breathe again. He gives me the time I need, and doesn’t try to move or rise from where he kneels, even though I know the snow has soaked his pants.

When I finally look at him without tears in my eyes, he squeezes my hands again. “It’s freezing cold out here. Want to go in the tent to warm up?”

I shake my head, letting out a small laugh. “No, that’s okay. Wouldn’t want to knock down any more trees.”

“Probably a good choice. I’m not sure anymore of my firs can take a beating. They’re already looking a little rough this many days after Christmas.” His hand reaches up to brush my cheek. “Do you want to go back to the house?”

I shake my head again, looking past him at the snow that begins to fall. “I don’t think I’m ready. I just feel like such an imposter. Part of me wants to go back, and hope for the best. But the other half of me wants to run away to your cabin and hide.”

“We can do that, if you want. Potato would probably be happy.”

Just then, the sound of snow crunching beneath footsteps draws both of our attention. Behind us, Tim, Tina, and Lincoln come into view.

Standing, I thrust my hands in the pockets of my coat, absolutely mortified that they’ve all followed me out here in the cold.

“It’s freezing out here,” Tim comments and gestures with his chin toward the tent. “Should we go in there?”

Miller shakes his head at the same time Tina turns toward me. “I’m sorry about your family, sweetheart, and I’m sorry that Miller told us when you didn’t want him to. It’s your story to tell, and although his intentions were good, he took that from you. I know he feels terrible.” She glances at him, then connects her eyes back with mine. “Now, Tim and I aren’t fond of being deceived, but we understand why this all happened. We’ve already apologized to Lincoln, and now we would like to apologize to you.”

“Apologize to me? For what? I’m the one who lied.” I’m flabbergasted, and confused as to why they think I need an apology.

She gives me a small smile and takes a step closer. “I want to apologize for not following my intuition. When you came to us, I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t press you. How could I when you had just met us? But I wish I could go back to Christmas Eve, and try to get you to open up to me, even just a little. I feel as though your soul needed that, and I ignored my gut and gave you space. If I could do it again, I would give you the comfort that I know you needed on that day.”

There’s no way to avoid the tears that spring back to my eyes with Tina’s words. I begin to sob. “I’m so sorry. I regret everything.”

“Well, I don’t,” Lincoln chimes in. From over his mother's shoulder, I look at him. There’s a small smile on his lips as he says, “How could I when it brought you into the family?”

“He’s right, Zee. I’d have you lie over and over again if that meant I still got to meet you.” Miller pulls me from Tina and into his arms. Kissing me, his hand cups the back of my neck, and he deepens it slightly. When he pulls away, he rests his forehead against mine. “I love you so much.”

Coming up beside me, Tina loops her arm through mine. “Come on, it’s way too cold out here. Let’s go back to the house and have something warm to drink until dinner is ready.”

She doesn’t take no for an answer and begins to lead us back with the men trailing behind. Tina begins to talk about dinner, explaining what she’s made, and gushing over how her best friend gave her the recipe and that she’s been so excited to try it.

She continues on with her story until she’s done and nudges me with her elbow, sneaking a glance at me as we draw closer to her home. “You know, Zee, you’re the gift we all asked Santa for. Some of us were just more silent than others, but we all asked, just the same. I’m so glad you’re now a part of our family. I hope you’ll stick around.”

With tears pricking my eyes, I turn and look over my shoulder at Miller, locking eyes with the man who has stolen my heart quicker than I thought possible. He mouths I love you , and for the first time since losing my family, I don’t feel so alone.