If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

One

Things can always get worse. Even after touching rock bottom, you can still plummet farther into the abyss, into that zone devoid of oxygen, where only perennial darkness remains.

That’s probably what people feel when they’re trapped in a situation they can’t escape. They wish they could rewind the past and stop the future. Do things differently. Sometimes those thoughts tarnish what’s right in front of them, overriding everything else.

Noah S?rensen was certain most people had never experienced true hell, though.

He, like any other person, had once dreamed big and failed. He’d made mistakes and stumbled. He’d been happy and sad. He’d loved and felt desire so visceral it hurt. He’d gotten his heart broken several times. But none of that was permanent, just a part of life. However, no emotion, good or bad, ever remotely resembled what he just learned.

It all had started seventeen years before, when he was an innocent eleven-year-old boy...

Grandma was getting older, both physically and mentally. But after she fell in the street during Christmas, Mom and Noah moved in to help her.

He was reluctant to move at first. Danish winters weren’t gentle, and coastal areas during that time of the year were just frozen sand and bitter wind. But he soon realized the change hadn’t been that bad.

They used to live in an apartment so small they had to share one bedroom, and now he had his own space. The house was old, smelling like wood and something acrid mixed with floral scents, but it was huge in comparison.

The problem was that Noah was an introvert. He’d rather spend the afternoon with his nose stuck in a book, a comic, or drawing while listening to music than playing with other kids. Apparently, that made him a target when no adults were around.

“Give it back!” Noah jumped to catch his backpack.

“Come here and get it yourself!”

Before Noah reached him, a brown-haired boy threw the bag to one of his friends, and they all laughed.

“Why don’t you grab it? It’s not that high.”

More laughs followed that felt like a punch to the nose. Noah’s eyes stung as he jumped again in a lame attempt to retrieve his things.

He was tired of not having friends, of never being invited to birthday parties, of the trip-ups, of having the wheels of his bike slashed, of being locked in the bathroom at school. It made his heart twist in his chest, a dreadful sensation that wrapped around each one of his organs and limbs, paralyzing him. It’d gotten to the point where he didn’t want to get out of bed most days. But Mom was starting to worry about how withdrawn he’d become, so he pretended to be okay, which was also exhausting.

“You’re an idiot!” Noah shouted as he pushed the kid wearing a basketball jersey, making him lose balance and fall flat on his ass.

It felt as though the world had stopped rotating. He had never done anything like that. And although he feared what could happen now, there was something else running through his body. He felt... empowered.

“How dare you?”

“You’re such a loser!” The brunette boy punched his shoulder while the other two emptied his backpack on the ground.

“I told you to leave me alone!”

“You’re already alone. Nobody wants you or your slutty mom. That’s why your daddy left.”

“Yeah, who’d want a whiny sissy boy?” The tallest kid pulled a strand of Noah’s hair. “Only girls wear it like this, you know?”

“Maybe he wants to be one,” Jersey Boy mocked, tugging the outside corners of his eyes to slant them.

Noah slapped his hand away.

“I bet he regrets making you.”

Noah was pushed from behind.

“Yeah, you half-breed.”

“Shut up!”

Noah didn’t like it when they made fun of him for not having a dad. It wasn’t his fault. He’d asked Mom about him when he was little because he didn’t have a single memory of his father, but he’d always gotten the same answer: We didn’t love each other anymore.

It was confusing. He didn’t comprehend how people could stop loving their family, friends, or that special person the movies mentioned. Feelings didn’t have a switch to turn them on and off. He didn’t think they could fluctuate that much—though it seems they sometimes did.

Eventually, Noah stopped caring about whether or not he had a dad, if he ever thought about him at all. Mom was more than enough, and he hated it when these boys, who didn’t know her, called her a groupie or a slut, although he didn’t fully understand the meaning of those insults. Even years later, after she explained she had, in fact, been a devoted fan when she was younger and that he was the product of an affair with the drummer of a Japanese metal band, he hated those derogatory names.

Despite it all, since he could remember, Mom had toiled from sunrise to sunset, twenty-four-seven, to give him the best life she could afford, and she had never, not even for a second, stopped smiling.

“Next time you’ll think before acting!”

Noah didn’t know which boy had said that. He was kneeling in the alley behind the library, where they’d dragged him so no one would see or hear them. It was cold, really cold. The wind was crisp, and his clothes were soaked from the snow melting under him, but there was something else. Something that closely resembled a recurring nightmare where he was standing in the middle of a dark room and didn’t recognize his own face in the mirror. He was alone, achingly so.

With his arms wrapped around his head to protect himself from their kicks, Noah bawled his eyes out. He hated thinking of Grandma living in a nursing home with strangers looking after her, but he’d caught himself more than once wishing she’d go back there so they could return home to Odense. It had only been four months since he started school here and it sucked.

He had tried dodging these kids in every possible way after they began bullying. But it seemed like he couldn’t even go to his favorite place alone without them ruining everything.

Suddenly, the pain ended, and the verbal abuse was replaced by their cries.

The rustle of clothes, screams, and other cuss words filled Noah’s ears when he stopped sobbing. Reluctantly, he peeked over his arms and between strands of hair. His sight was still blurry from the tears, but he managed to discern the figure of another boy standing right in front of him.

“Next time you’ll think before acting,” his rescuer parroted as the three bullies ran away. “Are you okay?” he asked, turning toward Noah with an outstretched hand.

He stared at it for a few seconds, considering whether he should trust him or not. But those big ice-blue eyes and the kindness of his smile made Noah feel safe.

“Thanks.”

“No prob. I’m Kaj, by the way.”

“Noah,” he mumbled, looking everywhere but at him.

“Why were those guys beating you again?”

Of course he’d seen it happen before. Noah was the weirdo no one wanted to play with.

“Because I was reading this,” he said as he picked up his G.I. Joe comic from the ground. It was wet and wrinkled, but hopefully putting it by the heater at home with some books on top would fix it.

“Who’s your favorite?” Kaj asked, crouching down to help Noah pick up the rest of his stuff. “I love Snake Eyes.”

Noah looked at Kaj wide-eyed and with his mouth slightly agape.

“What?”

“Nothing. He’s my favorite, too.”

Kaj’s smile grew as he handed Noah the pencil case and notebook he always carried around. “He’s the coolest with the katana and all.”

“Yeah…”

“Why come here to read, though? Don’t you have a room at home?”

“I... yeah. I just like it better here. They have candy, and I love those beanbag chairs. I don’t know. We also live with Grandma, and she doesn’t hear well, so the TV is always too loud for me to read in peace.” Noah regretted it instantly as those words left his mouth. He either didn’t speak much or overshared. There was no in-between, and he hated it. Maybe that was why he didn’t have many friends before and hadn’t made any new ones here.

Kaj chuckled. “How old are you?”

“Eleven,” Noah said as they started walking, the crunching sound of snow under their feet accompanying them.

“Just like me! When’s your birthday?”

“Ehm, uh... N-November thirteenth.”

“So it was a month ago.”

“Yeah…”

“Happy super belated birthday!” Kaj grinned.

“Thanks?”

“Mine’s in June. On the thirteenth, too.”

“Cool.”

“Did you get many presents?”

“Hmm... Mom bought me a second-hand guitar and a book.”

“A guitar? That’s awesome!” Kaj’s eyes sparkled with enthusiasm. “I’ve been bugging Dad to get me a drum kit, but he says I’m already too loud as it is.” He shrugged, then laughed. “He’s kinda right. So, are you any good?”

“I’ve barely started my guitar and music theory lessons.”

“That sounds boring.”

“It’s kinda fun. I think?”

“If you say so.” Kaj grinned.

Although they didn’t know each other, it felt nice to have him around. This kid, with light hair, blue eyes, and that bright smile, was like a rainbow in the middle of a storm—rare, cozy, and warm.

Still, it was odd that they were going to the same part of town. Noah was sure they lived in opposite directions. Kaj’s dad drove a fancy SUV, and Noah’s mom owned an old beige Beetle that she’d had forever. Not that Kaj was Scrooge McDuck—no one here was—but he definitely came from a good family. They’d seen each other around school because it was the only one in town.

“Hmm... w-why are you following me?”

“I’m not following you. I’m bringing you home to make sure those morons don’t bother you again.”

“Why?”

“Because we’re friends now, and that’s what friends do—they protect each other.”

“Oh.”

“You don’t have many friends, do you?”

Noah wasn’t looking at Kaj, but at his feet, yet he could hear the smugness of his grin. “Not really.”

“I only have a handful. Since Mom died, some of them started acting weird and we don’t talk anymore. But anyways, you can come with us next time, if you want. I bet they’ll like you. They’re not into comics, but we all like anime and build remote control cars together. Is that something you like?”

Noah frowned and stopped in his tracks. His heart writhed. He couldn’t wrap his head around the idea of living without his mom. Just thinking about it hurt.

“What is it?” Kaj asked.

“You don’t have a mom?”

“She passed away six years ago, so now it’s just Dad and me.”

“I’m sorry.” It was his stomach twisting this time.

“It’s okay. I... She was sick for two years before it happened.”

“Still...” Noah sighed and resumed walking through the slightly foggy street. “I’m sorry.”

“Thanks.”

They didn’t share another word; the sound of their footsteps and the few cars driving down the main road filling the space between them.

Noah wasn’t sure if it was because bringing his mom up had made Kaj sad, or because he regretted speaking to him. Either way, it was better if he didn’t say anything else. Noah was too blunt and awkward, opening his mouth before thinking whenever he felt confident enough to engage in a conversation. It wouldn’t be the first time he offended someone.

Once they finally reached his house, fumbling with his hands inside his coat pockets, Noah turned to Kaj. “Thanks for helping me before. And for walking me home.”

“No worries.” Kaj smiled.

“Will you be okay going back alone?”

“Yeah. Been living here forever, and Dad is a firefighter. No one messes with me.”

Noah tilted his head, not understanding what that had to do with anything.

“He’s built like a horse,” Kaj elaborated, as if he’d read his mind.

“I bet.” Noah chuckled, fidgeting with the hem of his coat’s sleeve. “So, hmm... You meant what you said before?” he asked in an unexpected surge of courage.

“What part?”

“That I can come play with you and your friends?”

Kaj’s grin widened, stretching from side to side on his face. “Of course!”

Noah couldn’t contain the smile this time. “Cool.”

“We’ll talk on Monday then, friend ,” Kaj said, already walking away, waving.

“Yeah.”

Noah almost had his key into the lock, but Mom threw the door open first. She was beaming. She was usually cheerful, but her lopsided grin told him she was about to tease him. Until she saw his face.

“What happened to you?” Her expression dropped, morphing into a mix of concern and anger as she reached for him, brushing her thumb over his sore cheek. “Did those kids bother you again?”

“Yeah, but it’s okay,” Noah rushed to say, leaning away from her touch. He lowered his head, not wanting to see her sad eyes, and kicked his boots off in the foyer while dropping his coat on the bench. “This time, another boy, his name is Kaj, punched them back. So, I don’t think they’ll hurt me again.”

She stayed silent for a moment, searching his eyes.

“I promise it’s all good.”

“Okay…” She sighed and kissed his temple. “Go wash your hands.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

She chuckled, walking into the kitchen as Noah ran down the corridor toward the bathroom.

He was glad she relaxed when he said Kaj had defended him. Mom had talked to his school’s principal before, but things only worsened after the other kids got reprimanded. He didn’t want to have to transfer again and make Mom drive to the neighboring town when she was already so busy with Grandma and her job at the beauty salon. Not when he’d finally found someone who seemed willing and enthusiastic to hang out with him.

“Is Kaj the boy who just left?” A mischievous spark glowed in Mom’s irises again the moment Noah stepped into the kitchen.

“Yeah…” He narrowed his eyes and sat on his chair by the window. It was the best spot, with amazing views of the backyard, and the heater was right beside him. “Were you eavesdropping?”

“Momma needs to make sure her cub is okay.” She shrugged unapologetically, placing a cheese sandwich in front of him at the table like every afternoon. “I’m happy you made a new friend.”

“Me too.”

The image of Kaj standing before him half an hour ago, when he was sitting on his ass in the snow, flashed in his mind.

He didn’t know it at the time, but that’s exactly where his downfall began. With a pair of beautiful blue eyes and a crooked smile.

That damn smile .