If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Two

Spring rolled in, bringing with it unhinged ideas. Noah wasn’t going to complain, though, since those ideas resulted in Kaj getting creative in defending him and making the bullies’ lives miserable.

“What are you doing?” Noah asked, pulse racing as he looked around to check that no one was watching them.

“They don’t understand that hurting you is gonna come back at them the same way,” Kaj said, using his heel to lift the bike’s kickstand. “So, maybe that means their parents will ground them. Hopefully, some will hit them, too.”

“You didn’t just say that.” Noah grimaced in disapproval. He hated being the center of those kids’ constant threats and humiliation almost as much as having a black eye week in and out. But wishing they got beat was wrong.

“They deserve it.” Valdemar shrugged, mimicking Kaj and mounting the other bike.

“A taste of their own medicine,” Theo said as he joined their quest.

“Noah,” Kaj called, “get on and come with us.” He pointed with his chin to the red bicycle lying on the ground.

They were behind a pizza restaurant, in a pebbled yard with some perennial bushes that didn’t seem to have any particular use other than to adorn the area. There was also a truck parked on the street that served as the perfect cover . It would be easy to do what Kaj was suggesting.

One of the things about Denmark, especially in small areas like this town, was that people were too trusting. They leave their bikes everywhere, unattended for hours with no locks or any other security devices.

What nobody ever thought about was vengeful kids who had no problem taking matters into their own hands when adults failed to do what was right and necessary. Not that any injustice made it okay to do this, but given the circumstances, it was... tempting.

“Where?” Noah frowned, still hesitant. Would this even make a difference?

“I don’t know.” Kaj shrugged. “We’re just going for a ride. Then leave them at the port? Toss them down the cliff?”

“That sounds like fun.” Val nodded enthusiastically.

“And out of town. Mom would kill me.”

“She doesn’t have to know. You’re all coming for a sleepover later, anyway.”

Noah stared at his friends—the evil blond triad. He was so grateful for them that there were no words to describe his feelings, but he could also tell the difference between right and wrong. And this was definitely closer to the latter.

“Don’t overthink it too much. This is just karma acting through us.” Kaj grinned, a devilish spark shining in his always stunning ice-blue eyes.

“Okay.” Noah bit the inside of his cheek, glancing back again to confirm there were no witnesses to their mischief. “But only if we come home before curfew. I don’t want your dad scolding us.”

“Deal!”

Laughing like a pack of hyenas, the four kids got onto the bikes of their archenemies and rode away as fast as they could. With Kaj in the lead, they zigzagged through the narrow streets that branched out from the more crowded areas of town toward the shore, and soon they were on the bike path beside the sea.

The air smelled of fresh hay, salt, and flowers. The cool breeze contrasted with the warmer temperature, creating the perfect atmosphere for what became a competition of who could get to the port first.

Noah beamed, an overwhelming warm sensation filling his chest. It’d taken him a while to find his place, but he finally belonged.

Back in Odense, he only had female friends. Boys rarely wanted to play with him because he wasn’t into sports and didn’t like video games. After moving here, he still didn’t get along with the jocks—clearly—and girls didn’t seem to fancy the idea of having him around anymore. They said it was weird. Puberty was such a strange phase.

However, these three had no issues befriending Noah. Val and Kaj had known each other since before they could even crawl, meeting Theo later on, in kindergarten. And now, they had opened their arms, welcoming him like one of their own. They’d spent the last few months talking about their families, hobbies, Noah’s life before moving in with Grandma, and everything he needed to know about the town—the best ice cream shop, their hidden spot at the beach, who to avoid, the most stunning places for bike rides…

They were a small group of waywards who didn’t follow any rules. Val, Theo, and Kaj were part of the town’s swim team, though they rarely hung out with the popular kids. Noah, on the other hand, was better at cheering for them. The universe had granted him brains and musical talent, but his lack of physical coordination was outstanding. The days he didn’t bump into something or trip over an invisible line on the floor were odd.

They had things in common, too—their taste in music, their love for One Piece, and their passion for remote-controlled cars, something Noah hadn’t discovered until he met them. It was just the four of them in Kaj’s dad’s garage when they weren’t at the pool, but those days were so much fun. For some reason, cutting the aluminum pieces, shaping them for the chassis, discussing the color they’d paint the cars, and playing with the electronic parts, turned the time they spent together, building something from scratch, into the perfect bonding experience. He loved it.

The brisk breeze whipped around his hair as they pedaled at full speed down the lane. He missed his friends, the big libraries, and the comic shops from his hometown, but what he’d found in this remote corner of the world was unparalleled.

“Having fun?” Kaj asked, flashing a boyish grin when Noah caught up with him.

“Yeah!”

“Told you!”

“This is still wrong,” he countered. “But also sort of exciting!”

Kaj laughed wholeheartedly. “Who are you and what have you done with my friend?”

Following that day, Noah felt like he could finally stop watching his back all the time.

It was awkward, and although the bullies’ glares followed him in the hallway at school, they didn’t harass him anymore. On Mondays and Wednesdays—the days he walked alone while his friends went to swim training—no one had tried to intimidate him, either. So, whatever had happened to those kids at home after “losing” their bikes had the desired effect. It was a small victory, but a victory nonetheless.

“Do you need anything else, guys?” Kaj’s dad popped his head through the kitchen door. “More soda, juice, chips?”

“You asked five minutes ago,” Kaj grumbled, rolling his eyes. “Leave us alone. We’re not babies. If we need anything else, I can grab it myself.”

Nikolaj chuckled. “You definitely are not.” He looked adoringly at his son, who had just turned twelve today. “Anyway, don’t stay up too late, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah.” He waved his hand dismissively.

“If you need me, you know where to find me.”

“In your bed, sleeping like a mummy.”

Nikolaj’s bearded face stretched when he smiled. “G'night, boys.”

“Night, Dad.”

“Good night, Mr. Larsen,” the other three said in unison.

Silence fell for a few seconds among them as the door to the backyard closed.

They had spent most of the afternoon running their handmade RC cars in the park, and now they were here, sitting around the bonfire Nikolaj had lit for them. There were still a few days before they could call it summer, but everything in the air, from the ocean breeze to chocolate ice cream, made Noah think of it. The cicadas buzzing only added to the cozy atmosphere as the sky turned completely dark, allowing the stars to shine.

“Are you going to play it?” Val pointed at the Angel Of Retribution album by Judas Priest they’d bought Kaj.

“I like my music loud, and it’s late. Doubt my neighbors would appreciate it. But we’ll do it in the morning after breakfast, once Dad’s gone.”

“Since when do you respect anyone?” Theo taunted.

“I always do, just not you because you’re a tool.”

“You’re a tool,” Theo retorted, brown eyes sparkling with joy.

“Is your dad going to make us pancakes again?” Val asked, ignoring their banter as he poked a stick into the fire.

“Most likely,” he said as he looked at Noah above the crackling flames. “It’s already a tradition, you know? We come home, do this campfire thingy, and eat like pigs the entire weekend.”

“Sounds good to me,” Noah chuckled. “I never say no to pancakes. Does he put caramel or chocolate on them?”

“Both.” Kaj grinned. “Like I said, pigs.”

Noah returned his smile. “And you do this every year?”

“Yup.” Theo nodded.

“I could get used to it.”

“Who wouldn’t?” Kaj let out a full-chested laugh.

Like always, being with these guys made Noah’s heart swell.

No one knew what the future held for them, and a lot of things could change. But one thing Noah was sure of was that these moments would live forever in their minds.

“Your dad’s the coolest, by the way,” Val commented, checking out for the gazillionth time the vinyls Nikolaj had gifted Kaj—Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, and Black Sabbath. “He’s working tomorrow but is still letting us stay here without supervision. I wish my parents were like that.”

“Those are awesome, but he’s a dad, so that’s not a word I’d use to describe him,” Kaj retorted. “Old man suits him better. Besides, he gave Trine the key to the house so she can check on us.”

Nikolaj and Trine, Noah’s mom, had hit it off almost from the start. They had met at school several times before he had his first sleepover at the Larsen’s, but that day, she stayed longer than necessary, talking to Kaj’s dad. Their laughter was so loud the kids heard them from Kaj’s bedroom upstairs.

It was only normal, considering they understood how hard it was to raise a child on their own while juggling the rest of their adult responsibilities. Getting to know each other meant finding support, both tangible and emotional. Nikolaj, for example, stopped hiring babysitters when he had to work longer shifts or nights, since she welcomed his son every time. He trusted Val and Theo’s families, but the first was busy enough raising four kids of their own, and the second was going through a rough divorce, so it wasn’t the time to ask for favors. Meanwhile, Trine, who hadn’t had the chance to go out and meet new people, found in him a friend she could vent to after a bad day.

Theo waggled his brows, smirking.

“What?” Kaj glared at him with narrowed eyes, probably knowing what was coming next.

“He can be as old as you want, but they’re so gonna end up humping.”

“That’s my mom, fuckface!” Noah punched him on the shoulder.

“They’re always meeting for coffee .”

“Don’t say coffee ,” Noah imitated his friend’s mocking tone. “You make it sound dirty.”

“That was the intention.”

“Shut up!”

“Yeah, shut up, dipshit.” Kaj threw a cold, bland french fry at him.

“Hey!” he protested.

“That would be cool, though,” Val said. “If they were together, you’d be brothers.”

“Oh.” Kaj stopped, his arm suspended in the air, halfway to throwing more food at Theo. “I didn’t think about it that way.”

“Do you ever?” Theo asked.

“What?”

“Think.”

“I’m gonna kick your ass.”

Kaj went around the campfire and jumped over Theo, punching his side playfully as they cackled like maniacs on the ground. Val and Noah shook their heads, laughing at them.

Last year, he’d have never imagined this could be his life. But it was. And he cherished every bit.

The next few weeks flew by uneventfully. They finished school, and Val and Theo left with their families for two weeks to go on vacation, while Kaj and Noah simply hung out around town.

They spent most of their time talking about anything and everything, reading comics, running the RC cars, scuba diving, and burying each other in the sand, making offensive forms where their crotches were. Though, this only happened when Nikolaj or Trine drove them to the beach. They still weren’t allowed to go alone, despite it being only twenty minutes away by bike.

It was fun to be around Kaj, just the two of them. Noah liked Val and Theo as much, but the connection he had with Kaj was different. He’d never known so much about another person or had sleepovers before. But maybe it was all in his head, and he only felt that way because Kaj had saved him countless times.

It was unquestionable that there was something in his friend’s steady chaos that made Noah feel safe, like calmness was still possible after a storm. And apparently, he was the same to him.

Kaj rarely opened up when they were all together. Maybe he talked to Val or Theo privately and Noah didn’t know, but the thing was, he never had issues sharing whatever was on his mind with him.

Like that Thursday afternoon Nikolaj took them to the beach. He was on the phone a few meters away from them as the sun set on the horizon, tenderness radiating from him. His gaze sparkled with a different light, and he smiled like Noah had never seen him smile.

Kaj rolled his eyes. “He’s talking to his new girlfriend ,” he said, chewing the last bit of his sandwich. The bitter tone didn’t go unnoticed.

“Oh.”

“I wish it had been your mom, like Theo joked about.”

“You don’t like her?” Noah tilted his head, looking at his friend as he randomly drew circles in the sand with his finger.

“I don’t know her. But... what if he marries her?”

“What if he did?”

“He told me she has a son older than me. I don’t want to share our space with anyone.”

“You were willing to share with me.”

“It’s different. You’re my friend. That guy... he’s an intruder who will probably want to bring his buddies home. And from what Dad has told me, he’s the popular type.”

Noah shook his head with a smile, then looked at his bare feet. Sand was glued to them, trailing up to his calves. His skin was hot and itchy in some parts, covered in remnants of salt after spending two hours in the water, swimming and dunking his friend.

“It’s not funny.”

“You’re thinking too far ahead.”

“He didn’t tell me about her before because he didn’t know if they’d work out, but he’s been dating her since Christmas.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Kaj twisted his mouth. “He said he’d like to introduce us soon.”

“But that’s a good thing, no?”

“It’s been the two of us for almost seven years, and we’ve been just fine.”

“But he seems happy…”

“But what if she breaks up with him later or dies?” Kaj’s chin trembled slightly, but he bit his bottom lip, stopping the emotional wave. “I don’t want any of that for him.”

He didn’t say it out loud, but Noah was certain Kaj’s mind was filled with images of his mom. The few he might remember. Other than photos around the Larsen’s and the affection with which Nikolaj talked about his wife, Kaj didn’t remember much about her, but it was obvious he missed her. So, of course, it hurt. Or maybe he felt like this new woman would take his mom’s place in his father’s heart.

“We can’t predict the future. For all we know, frogs could grow hair tomorrow and fly,” Noah tried to lighten the mood.

“Shut it.” Kaj laughed softly, the sound sliding into a sigh. He patted Noah’s legs, straightening them to use as a pillow, something he did a lot.

“What did I say?” Noah quirked a brow and reclined on one hand, the fingers of the other mindlessly running through Kaj’s blond hair. Under the warm light of dusk, it looked like it was made of gold. It was beautiful, but not as much as his eyes or that perfect smile with a slightly crooked fang.

“You’re being too reasonable, and I don’t like it.”

“I’m always gonna be on your side, even if you’re wrong. So, we can hate her in silence together if you want, but let him enjoy this. He deserves it.”

“I hate you.”

“No, you don’t.”

Noah looked up at the sky for a moment. It was magnificent, tinted with shades of orange and yellow with a dash of purple in between.

“No, I don’t.”

The following Monday, Val and Theo returned. They joined in their monotonous freedom of beach shenanigans and movie nights, hating everything when school started again a month later—summer break was too short.

Then, a little before New Year’s Eve, all the fun and mundaneness turned into shit.

Noah was already twelve, still too young to fully comprehend the meaning of death, but old enough to recognize the emotions that assaulted him—sadness and utter loneliness. It wasn’t that he was alone per se; he had Mom and the gang, but knowing he wouldn’t have the chance to see Grandma again left an empty void in his chest he didn’t know how to deal with.

They’d seen it coming for a while. Mom had even tried to prepare him for the imminent day, telling him we all had our time on Earth and the doctors couldn’t do anything to help. Alzheimer’s is just like that, degenerative, unstoppable. Somewhere in his head, he understood all this, but it still hurt.

It’d happened gradually after they moved in. Grandma would ask the same questions repeatedly, get sidetracked in the middle of a conversation, or misplace things all the time. Later, she had mood swings that took her from anger to tears in the blink of an eye. She even got lost once going to the supermarket just across town, where she always did the groceries. Then everything steadied for a bit until she started needing around-the-clock assistance.

It was tough. But the realization that every single person he loved would vanish at some point hit him the worst, turning sadness into something else—grief. Noah cried a lot, but he only did it in the shower, where no one could see or hear him. Where he couldn’t tell his tears from the water cascading over him. He didn’t want Mom to worry when she was mourning the loss of her own mother.

There were nights when Noah felt so anxious he didn’t sleep. Nights when he would check if Trine was still alive.

Several months later, though, he started feeling like himself again. One day, the pressure lifted, and he could finally breathe.