If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Three

The first half of the next year rolled even faster, and summer passed again in the blink of an eye.

Noah noticed many changes, and he couldn’t decide whether he liked them or not. For starters, his voice was weird. It would croak and squeak, and there was nothing he could do about it. And then, there was also hair— everywhere except his face, of course. It had started growing a year before, but it was wild now. Okay, that was a lie. It wasn’t crazy. He was exaggerating because he hated it when he sweat and smelled. Gross .

The transformation of his penis was a different topic. He did like that one.

Aside from that, life was the same. Or so he thought, until school started again.

“Have you seen Anna?” Theo asked Kaj, making a not-so-subtle boob sign over his chest.

“Dude…” He slapped his leg with a chuckle. “She’s hot, but dammit, don’t be so loud.”

Something inside of Noah stirred as he said that. But not wanting to make a big deal out of it, he ignored the uneasiness spreading through him. He knew this day would come. Mom had been dropping hints and asking weird things out of nowhere. Yet he wished it had taken longer. Wasn’t ready to let go of what the four of them had.

“I think Camilla is prettier,” Val chimed in.

They were sitting on a bench in the schoolyard eating lunch and, apparently, talking about girls. That was new. In the past, they would have been discussing the last Formula 1 race they’d watched on TV or how much of an idiot their swim coach was while Noah practiced in the air for his next guitar class. This was an odd shift, and he wasn’t sure he was comfortable with it.

“Who do you like, Noah?” Kaj asked him, elbowing his ribs gently.

“Hm?”

“Just so we don’t try anything with her.”

Noah stared at him, dumbfounded. Did he mean kissing her?

“Bro code, you know?”

“Yeah, yeah. Hmm…” He swallowed his last mouthful of food with a purpose, taking the time to think about an answer as his gaze fixated on the boys playing soccer in front of them.

He’d heard guys their age talk about stuff like this before, but it wasn’t like he had an opinion. Girls didn’t appeal to him. Sure, he could tell if they were pretty or not. He had eyes. But he wasn’t interested in keeping them close and getting to know them more as all they talked about was makeup, clothes, periods— ew —and other things he didn’t care about. With boys, however, he was... intrigued . But it was just admiration, wanting to be like them—stronger, taller, confident. That didn’t mean he liked them. Right?

“So?” Val’s inquisitive gaze pinned on him.

“Hm... Olivia?” he mumbled, hoping that would satisfy his friends’ curiosity. She was pretty and had some stunning curly hair.

“Oooh…” Theo’s eyes opened wide. “She is hot ! Good choice, dude.”

By the time Noah turned thirteen—he was the youngest—his friends were already talking about their first experiences kissing girls, making him feel completely out of place.

He’d seen it in movies, and much worse in the porn videos Jesper, Kaj’s soon-to-be stepbrother, had on his laptop. He and his mom didn’t live with Kaj and Nikolaj yet, but they spent many weekends there. More often than not, Jesper would go out with friends and the boys would sneak into his bedroom. But no matter how he looked at it, he couldn’t understand how anyone found that arousing.

He touched himself every now and then, was stupid horny some days, but even then, it was more like an itch he needed to scratch. Not an urge, and definitely not something he craved at any level. Porn didn’t do it for him, and thinking of people was useless. Masturbation was a way to distract himself from other things, avoid doing his chores, and relax. It was anything but sexy, like the others would have him believe.

Maybe he was broken.

Or maybe he was an idiot, because what teenager in their right mind would bring this topic up with their parents?

“Mom?” Noah called as he approached her.

The Phantom of the Opera ’s main theme engulfed the atmosphere in the living room. Trine was a weirdo raising a weirdo. She loved rock and metal music as much as she liked K-pop, jazz, and this classic symphonic stuff, which she put on full blast whenever she cleaned the house—from Beethoven to Carl Orff to Nightwish and everything in between, she said it got her in the mood.

“Hey, sweetie.” She paused the movie and turned her head to look at him. “What is it?”

“Can I talk to you about something?”

Trine frowned. “You know you can always talk to me about anything . Come here.” She shifted her position, leaning her side on the back of the couch and patting the seat beside her. Then she opened the blanket for him to snuggle underneath. It was March, but the weather was still fairly cold.

“So…”

“So…” She arched an eyebrow.

“This is totally hypothetical, okay?” Noah said, bringing his knees to his chest.

“Okay.” Trine looked at him expectantly.

“So, this kid at school…” He bit the inside of his cheek. He’d been practicing this speech in his room, but now the words were all jumbled in his head and wouldn’t come out. “There’s a kid at school that says he… h-he touched a girl down there and also did other things... you know?” His entire face heated, but he tried to keep his composure. He had questions that needed answers. “The thing is—”

“Wait, what?” Trine screeched, blinking fast several times as if she’d just returned to Earth after being abducted by aliens and her brain was functioning with delay. “Have you had sex? Oh my god, we haven’t even had the talk !” She facepalmed herself. “Tell me you used a condom, please.”

“Mom!” Noah scolded, embarrassed like never before.

“What? Safety’s always first.”

“Forget I said anything.”

Noah was about to get up, but Trine stopped him, grabbing his arm and pulling him down again. “Hey, come on. Tell me what’s going on. Okay, you didn’t have sex, but do you want to? Is that it?”

He rolled his eyes, exasperated. “I’m too young for that.”

“I was your age when—never mind. Yes, you’re too young.”

Noah narrowed his eyes at his mother. One didn’t have to be Einstein to know the age at which she got pregnant with him. Two plus two made four or, in this case, thirty-two minus thirteen made nineteen. So, he knew what she was going to say, but she dodged it, and he let her. It wasn’t like he wanted to discuss her sexcapades.

“If you haven’t done anything and you’re not at that point yet, what is this all about then?” she continued.

Mom had always treated everything related to the human body and its needs like the most natural thing in the world, but it was mortifying talking to her about it. Still, he had no one else with real experience to ask.

“I’m... Is it weird that I don’t like girls?”

“I’ve already told you it’s okay to like boys. Or both. It’s not something we can choose.”

Noah swallowed the lump in his throat, unsure why that statement shook his insides. “What about... neither?”

“That’s okay, too. But, hmm... Sorry, honey, I’m not sure I’m following. What is it you really wanna know?”

“I think there’s something wrong with me. Maybe? I don’t know. Everyone is already talking about kissing and dating, and I just... I feel like I’m left behind because I don’t care about any of that. I just wanna go to the beach and talk crap with the guys like we always do.” Noah looked down at his fidgeting hands.

“Hey,” Trine called, touching his cheek tenderly. “There’s nothing wrong with you, you hear me?” Their gazes locked when he raised his head. “We all have our own timelines for that. And even if you never experience it the same as your friends, you’re still okay. Physical and emotional attraction, and the need to express ourselves through it, just like everything else in life; it’s different for everyone.”

“So, you think I’ll find someone in the future?”

“If that’s what your heart wants, I’m sure you will. I mean, look at this face.” Trine squeezed his cheeks between her palms. “You’re ridiculously pretty, smart, fun, and caring. Anyone would be lucky to have you in their life.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re my mom.”

“That may be part of it, but you’re still the cutest,” she said, letting him go. “Anyway, the talk.. .”

“Oh, come on, Mom! No,” Noah protested.

“You’re the one who opened that door, not gonna let my chance escape. So, get comfy and listen.”

And boy, did she give him the talk .

The next three months passed without much fanfare, except for Kaj. His dad finally married, so he legally had a stepmom and stepbrother now, which meant they all lived together at the Larsens’. Jesper spent most of the year in the on-campus housing, coming over some weekends when he didn’t want to do his laundry and during breaks, but Kaj still felt overwhelmed with so many people at home. Which was more than understandable since it’d been just the two of them for years.

On top of that, today was his fourteenth birthday. This time, however, they didn’t stay in their backyard alone with the promise of the best pancakes in the world the next morning. They went to their secret spot at the beach with girls. Girls .

The atmosphere was perfect, with the sun setting and the bonfire crackling on the sand. Soft rock music was playing in the background, accompanied by the sound of waves grazing the shore. The bittersweet taste of toasted marshmallows and beer blended on their tongues—their parents had allowed them to try it, buying one Tuborg per kid. And, although they were coming to pick them up later, for the first time, there was no adult supervision. Yet Noah wasn’t happy. But since it was his best friend’s day, he kept his mouth shut, focusing on the strings of his guitar while the rest of them blatantly flirted with each other. It was annoying with this redhead trying to hit on him, but it was even more so with Anna getting all touchy with Kaj.

She wouldn’t stop whispering whatever bullshit into his ear between giggles, pressing her boobs against him. Her hand remained on his thigh all the freaking time when it wasn’t rubbing his abs or his arms. The worst part, judging by the smirk on Kaj’s face, was that he seemed to enjoy it.

It felt like someone punched Noah in the stomach. He didn’t know why. Kaj didn’t belong to him or anything. They were friends. But it sucked so much that it wasn’t them wrestling like monkeys on the ground and talking nonsense until someone told them to shut up.

Later, all these conflicting emotions would make sense. But, at that time, Noah had thought he was jealous because they were taking away his friends. Oh, sweet innocence.

“Yo, that sounds so good!” Theo said, bringing Noah’s attention to him.

“Hm?”

“That—what you’re playing,” he elaborated.

“Oh. Thanks.”

“We should form a band!” Kaj said out of the blue from across the flames, startling everyone. “Now that Dad and Katja finally got me drums, we should do it.”

“You know we’d need more than one guitar and the drums, right?” Noah asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“Yeah, but you’re ridiculously good with the guitar and at singing.”

Noah gave him an incredulous look.

“Don’t act all surprised now. I’ve heard you. And I bet you could teach these two.”

“What?” Val raised his gaze from behind his camera, halfway through taking a shot of the group around the fire—a new hobby since he’d gotten a Nikon Reflex for Christmas.

“Yeah,” Theo said, enthusiasm glowing in his face. “It could be fun! I always wanted to be like Paul Gray.” He strummed some invisible strings.

“He was super talented and all that, but you know he died from an overdose, right?” Noah countered. He hated being so disrespectful toward the former bassist of Slipknot, one of their favorite bands, but he couldn’t help the bitter undertone. He was mad.

“Whatever.”

“That’d be so cool,” Anna purred beside Kaj. “Rockstars are sexy.”

“I’m in!” Theo said without hesitation.

Noah had to fight the urge to roll his eyes. He was okay with their new dynamic most of the time. They’d grown out of building RC cars and mostly spent time talking trash—music, the best guitarist in the world, concerts they wanted to go to, or the things they’d be willing to do for fifty thousand euros, and tits, obviously . There were no more movie nights every Friday either, since Kaj and Val were now dating Anna and Sofia. But that the reason to play music was to impress some girls made him cringe.

“Sounds good to me,” Val said. “And if it’s Noah teaching us, it’ll be awesome.” He smiled at him.

“What do you say?” Kaj asked, pale blue eyes locking onto his, full of hope and dreams.

Noah huffed and smiled. “Fiiiine.”

Ultimately, even if they did it for different reasons, playing music would bring them closer again. Besides, there was no way he could tell Kaj no when he looked at him like that.

But before they could even get together to rehearse, Noah had a revelation that shook him to his core.

Eighth grade had already started, and they were meeting more regularly again so Noah could teach Val and Theo how to play guitar. And although the girls were around almost daily, Noah was fine with it. At least he had his friends back.

“Man, those two are such idiots.”

“Indeed,” Noah said, tossing a gummy bear into his mouth.

It was Halloween. They’d been out, going door to door asking for candy all afternoon—probably the last year anyone would give them anything. They were supposed to stay at Noah’s for the night, just the four of them, without the girls. But Val and Theo had eaten so much candy on their way here that they’d gotten sick, and Trine had to call their parents to come pick them up.

“Seriously? Do you want to end up like them?” Kaj snorted while undressing.

Noah swallowed hard, freezing as he bit down on a piece of red licorice. He didn’t understand why, but he found his friend’s body utterly attractive. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen it—they were practically naked all the time during summer. He was lanky like most teenagers, but with his shoulders and back swept by the nightlight on Noah’s bedside table, he looked… hot .

“Are you okay?”

“Huh? Yeah.” Noah averted his gaze. He wasn’t sure if it was because he’d been caught staring or for the sudden wave of interest in his friend’s body, but heat reached the tip of his ears. What is wrong with you? “Why would you ask that?”

Kaj tilted his head and scratched the back of his neck. They’d already washed their creepy zombie makeup away, but he still had traces of green on his temple.

“Listen, Noah… I know things have been a little different between us lately.”

“Not that I’ve noticed.” Bullshit .

“Don’t lie to me, dude. You’re distant, and I get it, okay? It’s my fault. I have a girlfriend, and we don’t hang out as much anymore. But I want you to know that you’re still my best friend.”

“I thought Val was.”

“All you three are my best friends.”

“Okay…”

“If something was bothering you, you’d tell me, right?” Kaj looked truly worried.

“Sure.”

“So, are we good?”

“Never been bad.” Noah chuckled, but it was awkward. All of it.

“You’re cool with me dating Emma and all that?”

He’d broken up with Anna and was now seeing this chick from the girls’ swim team.

“She’s nice.”

“Awesome.” Kaj released a sigh and grinned, flopping down on the bed beside Noah. “Because I really like her. Her mouth is the best thing ever, and we have already, you know”—his eyes pointed down—“this summer.”

Noah’s stomach knotted. “You had sex with her?” he whispered, not wanting Mom to eavesdrop on their conversation.

“What?” Kaj laughed as he laid back on the mattress, folding and tucking his arms under his head. “No. I wish, but I was too nervous, and honestly? Didn’t even know where to start.”

“The movies didn’t help?”

“Not at all.” He let out a snort. “We’ve just groped each other over our underwear.”

“Oh. Cool. I guess?” Noah didn’t know how to feel.

“The coolest.” Kaj chuckled. “You should let Ellie play with you. If you know what I mean.” He waggled his brows.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Sure you don’t. She was trying to get your attention all summer.”

“I wasn’t interested, and she’s probably over it already anyway,” Noah said, getting up from the bed and pulling his long-sleeved tee over his head.

A clicking noise, like a camera shutter, distracted him.

“Well, I guess I’ll send this to another girl then.”

“Did you just take a picture of me?”

“Yup. And I bet after seeing it, every girl will want to dry-hump you and more.”

“I don’t want a girl.”

“You need one so we can go on double dates. As much as I like Emma, I get bored talking about girl stuff all the time when we go out.”

“Val and Sofia can join you.”

“I think they’re not so good these days.”

“He hasn’t said anything.”

“You know how he is.” Kaj shrugged, still lying on the bed, looking at his phone screen.

Indeed. Val was kind and fun, probably the smartest of them all, but he was also quite reserved. Though, that wasn’t the important thing now.

“Delete that,” Noah said, throwing a sweaty sock at him after taking his jeans off.

“No way! My phone, my photo, my rules.”

“Delete it!”

Noah jumped on him, and they wrestled, laughing and calling each other names. Boys’ banter was the best source of dopamine. It never failed to set the record straight, even after a fight. But they were on the bed, and maybe the sugar high was fogging their minds, preventing them from thinking this through before they hit the floor.

“Oh, fuck!” Kaj groaned.

“Guys, is everything okay?” Trine asked from the other side of the house.

“Yeah, Mom. Don’t worry. Kaj’s just being stupid.”

“Be careful!”

“You’re stupid,” Kaj retorted, rolling their bodies over and straddling Noah’s hips. “You might be as tall as me now, but I’m still stronger, asshat.”

“Keep telling yourself that.” Noah rolled his eyes, then locked them with his.

For a second, the world stilled, and it was just the two of them, panting with their mouths a few centimeters apart. Kaj’s hands were tight around Noah’s wrists as their pelvises pressed together. Heat coiled inside of him, and it was then that Noah noticed the growing bulges in their boxers. Both of them.

Then, Noah did the unthinkable. He lifted his head and kissed him.

It barely lasted two seconds, but it was enough for him to understand why he felt so different from his friends some days. Why he never felt attracted to girls. Why he felt so possessive of his friend.

Uncomfortable, Kaj cleared his throat and sat on the floor beside him. “T-that, hmm…”

“Oh, shit. I’m so sorry.” Noah stood up, covering his face with both hands as he strode toward the door. He needed to leave. Needed some fresh air. This was too embarrassing. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

“Oh, no, no, no.” Kaj reached for him, wrapping his hand around his arm. “Ehm, it’s just... I don’t—” He let go of him. “I mean... I’m not into guys.”

“I know. I know,” Noah said, too ashamed to look him in the eye.

“That caught me off guard, but I’m not mad.”

“You aren’t?” He peered at him.

“Not at all. Look”—Kaj rubbed a hand over the back of his neck—“you know I care about you, right? You’re my best friend.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Good.” Kaj offered him an understanding smile.

“Thanks.”

“Anyway, should we... go to sleep? It’s late, and we have plans tomorrow with those morons if they haven’t died,” he said as he got under the covers.

“Yeah...” Noah agreed, tucking himself in bed beside Kaj, back-to-back. The bed was a large single mattress, and they had always slept together. Though, right now, it was awkward feeling Kaj’s warmth against him, knowing that touching him was off-limits.

Noah was already confused about his sexuality and his lack of interest in any type of physical interaction. Since his attention was usually drawn to pretty boys instead of girls, he also suspected he might be gay. But how could he say any of this out loud when there was so much prejudice in this town? How could he admit his best friend was the one he liked?

This... it changed everything.