If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Four

Kaj and Noah never talked about their kiss or the impromptu boners they’d popped that night. Never mentioned it to Val or Theo, either. They’d simply acted weird around each other, shifting back to normal after a couple of weeks, like nothing had ever happened. And honestly, it was for the best. He was already worried all the time about his body, his laughter sounding too loud, or having something in his teeth that made him look even dumber in Kaj’s eyes. He didn’t need the extra discomfort.

New year. New life.

Between acne flare-ups and music lessons with Val and Theo, time sped up quickly. Before they knew it, spring break arrived.

After months of teaching his friends the basics of the guitar and bass, they were finally ready to practice together as a band, or at least try. Kaj had been attending classes since he got his drum kit, too, but apparently, he had been an undercover genius all this time. His percussion teacher was so impressed that he’d said Kaj could be the next John Bonham if they encouraged it.

“Okay, let’s see what we have here…” Nikolaj trailed off as he sat on the couch between Kaj and Noah, dropping a pile of old vinyls on the coffee table.

They were in the Larsens’ garage. It was a place big enough for two cars, but since Nik only had one, he’d made room for them to rehearse, adding homey touches like the sectional he had gotten on sale. He’d also paneled the walls closer to their area with acoustic foam to improve their sound. Apparently, he’d had a band of his own back when he was in school, too. It was just for fun, so they’d never performed live, but Nik loved it and learned a lot about music, something he was more than pleased to pass on to his son and his friends.

Noah had no idea what it was like to have an actual father, not that he needed one—Trine was the equivalent of three parents—but with this man, he felt like he had one. When Noah messed up, Nikolaj called him out. When he needed advice on something and was too embarrassed to ask his mom, Nik was there for him. He always let them stay up late on weekends and sometimes even joined them when they jumped off the cliff at the beach.

Nikolaj was a father, strict and serious when he had to be. He was also a firefighter who adored his job. But most of all, he was kind, fun, and a steady rock Noah never knew he needed. Kaj was lucky to have a dad like him, who was so devoted.

“What about Nirvana?” Nik asked, showing them the Nevermind album.

“They’re cool,” Theo said. “We could try.”

“‘Seven Nation Army’ by The White Stripes is also a fairly easy song to start with,” Kaj’s dad continued. “And, oh! It’d make me super happy if you gave ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ a chance. That’s one of the songs we always played when I was a kid.” He chuckled.

“So, like a thousand years ago,” Kaj quipped.

Nikolaj smiled and tapped his head with a Deep Purple vinyl before passing it to Val. “‘Smoke On the Water,’” he said, pointing at it. “Another super easy classic you could try is ‘Blitzkrieg Bop’ by The Ramones.”

“Punk-ish,” Val said with a grin as he grabbed the album.

Nikolaj nodded, nostalgia shining in his eyes. “If you’re feeling a little bold, you could add some Metallica to the mix. With that and a song or two from The Beatles, I think you’ll be covered and more than busy for a few weeks.” He handed Noah a greatest hits record.

They stayed there for the rest of the afternoon, talking about Nik’s school rock band and all things music, downloading the tabs for the songs he’d suggested, and simply enjoying their time together.

Life was good.

For the next few weeks, they’d struggled to find their groove. Synchronizing with each other wasn’t as easy as the big bands made it look. But by the beginning of June, after hours and hours of practice, magic happened.

At the start of ninth grade, the four of them transferred schools. It was uncommon to switch to another institution in the middle of primary education, but with some ongoing verbal bullying alongside a decline in teaching quality under the new committee, the boys’ parents didn’t want them learning in such a toxic environment. Add this to all their extracurriculars, and they didn’t have as much time to hang out as before. But they still met to rehearse every Thursday and on weekends, getting a little better every day.

Val had learned all the songs they’d been practicing by heart and didn’t need to look at the tabs anymore. Theo’s bass sounded more aggressive and determined, like he wasn’t afraid to strum its strings. Noah’s voice had improved considerably since he’d enrolled in singing lessons during the summer. And Kaj, well, he’d jumped straight to the next level with music and girls. Of course.

It was a nightmare for Noah that he’d already screwed someone because some days that was all Val and Theo wanted to talk about with him—pussy, tits, the sounds she made.

Noah was a month away from turning fifteen, but he was still trying to figure out why he wasn’t like the rest of his friends. He didn’t care about the opposite gender. That much was obvious, and he was okay with it. Still, he worried about his lack of sexual attraction to anyone, which seemed to be abnormal at his age. Just the thought of getting physical with anyone was revolting. But somehow, his best friend awakened something in him.

Since the night he’d kissed Kaj, he couldn’t stop watching him, noticing things he never had before. Like the way his nose crinkled when he laughed, how soft his lips looked, his body—it really turned Noah on. It was a sensation he didn’t experience regularly, but he easily recognized when it ignited—a perk of not being a walking hormonal wreck.

Not that any of it mattered. Kaj liked girls and there was no changing that. The conversation they’d had after his first time with Emma was still vivid in Noah’s mind, rattling his insides every time he thought about it…

“So, how did your journey into manhood feel? You know, with Emma,” Noah asked as they stepped barefoot into the water. He didn’t really want to hear the answer, but they were friends, and Kaj had been so excited it seemed rude not to ask him.

Apparently, the first two attempts they couldn’t do it because it hurt her too much, and after that, they hadn’t had many opportunities without their parents being around. Until Nikolaj and Katja went on a trip, leaving Kaj home alone with Jesper, who’d returned from college for summer break.

“Oh, fuck. It was the best sensation ever,” Kaj had said. “So warm and tight. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s insane. You’d have to do it yourself to know what I’m talking about.” He readjusted himself. “I spent a lot of time, you know, trying to loosen her. She tastes so sweet and—”

“Too much information.” Noah’s face scrunched in disgust.

Kaj laughed, patting Noah’s shoulder. “Sorry. It’s just too good to be true.”

“I bet.”

“Can’t wait for her to come over tonight and repeat.”

A wave of arousal and jealousy filled Noah’s veins when those words rolled from his friend’s mouth, making his heart trip.

“Peacock,” Noah mumbled right before Kaj plunged into the sea.

“What was that?” Kaj chuckled when he resurfaced, slicking his hair back as water droplets dribbled down his chest.

“You’re bragging.”

“Trust me, I’m not.”

After that brief and more than uncomfortable interaction, Noah was aware Kaj and Emma had shagged like rabbits in the following weeks. Then suddenly, one oddly hot September day, he claimed he was tired of lying every time he said he loved her back, tired of making plans just to make her happy when he didn’t really want to, tired of the guilt. So now, he was single again.

Did that change anything for them? Not at all, but it eased Noah’s mind a little.

“Noah,” Kaj called, bringing him back to the present with a flick to the nose.

“What the hell?” He covered it with a palm and glared at his friend.

“Where were you?”

“Here, or am I invisible now?”

“Grumpy.”

“I’m not grumpy. That shit hurt.” Noah clicked his tongue, looking down at Kaj’s Slayer tee, then at his Megadeth one.

Even if they mostly played rock classics, after listening to various music styles within the rock-metal genre, they’d dived into a slightly heavier side of it a few months ago. And yes, of course, they were obsessed now. Nikolaj made it easy for them to find a new favorite every week, since he owned hundreds of albums in every format one could think of.

“Sorry not sorry.” Kaj flashed him a wicked grin as he plopped onto the couch beside him, crossing his ankles on the coffee table.

“Assclown.” He took the soda Kaj was handing him.

They were in the garage, waiting for Val and Theo to show up so they could rehearse one more day. Noah came in earlier because he was bored at home and Mom was working, but now he wasn’t sure it’d been the smartest thing to do.

Truth be told, he was bitter since Kaj had lost his virginity.

Accepting that his admiration toward Kaj was a lot more than he thought, felt like drowning and coming back to life. It’d destroyed the chemistry in his brain only to reconstruct it in such a way that he barely recognized his own heart. Had it always beat so wildly?

He couldn’t see or think about anyone that wasn’t Kaj. Every other human being greyed out in his eyes. Noah wanted to kiss, touch, and watch Kaj get hard for him. He wanted to hear his name when Kaj moaned. The desire was so all-consuming it was absurd. It didn’t matter whether Kaj was dating someone or not, the realization that he would never be more than a friend to him stung. He had lost before he even had the chance to play the game.

It was the first time he felt something like this, equally exciting and painful, and he didn’t know how to deal with it.

“Hey, guys,” Jesper greeted them, blond ponytail swinging as he walked down the three steps to enter the garage. “Everything okay? You’re too silent. Did you fight?” He looked at them suspiciously as he strode toward the freezer.

“No, just waiting for the other two,” Kaj said.

“Cool.”

“Why are you here this weekend, anyway?”

“Because it’s also my house?” Jesper countered, grabbing a bag of ice cubes.

Kaj snorted. “You ran out of food again and came to take to-go boxes with Katja’s homemade meals, right?”

“Guilty.” Jesper laughed. “But you gotta admit, Mom is the best cook.”

“Fair.”

“By the way, if you need help with any of this”—he gestured toward their instruments—“I have a friend coming over today who works as a tech for a couple of bands during the summer.”

“Thanks, but no.” Kaj crossed his arms, practically pouting.

“Are you embarrassed?” Jesper teased.

“Why would I be?”

“How would I know? I’m not a scrawny teen,” he said, grabbing an ice cube and slipping it swiftly beneath the collar of Kaj’s T-shirt before jumping the small flight of stairs with the bag of ice cubes in hand.

“Asshole!” Kaj shouted.

Jesper laughed from inside the house. “But you love me!”

Kaj rolled his eyes.

Noah smiled.

It was cute seeing Kaj like this. He still played hard to get and didn’t want to openly admit he liked Jesper. But Noah was aware that when Kaj disagreed with their parents, he’d text his stepbrother, who almost always took his side. He’d also been his source of information when it came to girls and sex—talking to Nik was embarrassing and Katja was a no-no.

Releasing a deep breath, Kaj turned. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Noah frowned without moving an inch from the uncomfortable position he was in with his ass on the edge of the couch and his neck bent against its back. “Okay?”

“I think I—” Kaj’s cheeks tinted a soft shade of pink. That was a first.

“What is it?” Noah asked, sitting up straight.

“I…” His mouth twisted, and he waved a hand dismissively. “Ignore me. It’s nothing.”

Noah was about to push the issue, but the garage door started lifting. A swirl of cold air and a few leaves slipped in as Kaj’s dad parked.

“Hey, boys!” Katja chirped when they got out of the car.

“Hey.” Kaj tipped his chin up. “Need help with that?”

“Nah, don’t worry,” Nikolaj said, grabbing more grocery bags than he should at once. “I’ve got this.”

“You’re going to hurt yourself, honey.” Katja chuckled. “Let me help you with that.” She grabbed a couple of things from him and walked into the house, shaking her blonde head. “Men…”

“Oh, I’ve got something to tell you guys.”

“About what?” Kaj asked.

“Give me one minute. I’ll be right back.”

The teens were left alone once again, silence falling heavy between them.

Noah was curious about what had Kaj so flustered he’d blushed and couldn’t speak, considering his usual confidence. Whether it was sports, music, or sex, his friend never had problems expressing what was on his mind and more. But at the same time, judging by all the events of the last few months, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

Maybe he’d found a new girlfriend already. Maybe she was older or not his usual slender brunette type, or maybe they had done even filthier things together, and he was embarrassed to talk about it. Yeah, nope. Noah didn’t want to hear about it, whatever it was, so he kept his mouth shut.

“So,” Nik started, a huge grin on his face as he walked into the garage again. “I was talking to Val’s dad yesterday, and he has a friend of a friend who owns a rock bar in Fredericia where they hold live performances every weekend.”

“Okay…” both teens said in unison, sitting up straight and listening attentively.

“The thing is, one of the two bands for the fifth of November dropped out, so Val’s dad told him about your band. He showed him a video—”

“What video?” Kaj cut him off.

“Well, I may or may not have sent him a couple videos of your rehearsal sessions…” Nikolaj grinned.

“Dad!” Kaj scolded.

“Sue me.” He shrugged unapologetically. “You’re good, so I had to show the other parents.”

“The other parents?” Noah asked.

“Yeah, your mom has also seen them, and so have Theo’s parents,” he said like it wasn’t a big thing. “You’re keeping silent about all this like it’s a state secret. It’s not fair to them.” He laughed.

“My god…” Kaj mumbled, dragging a palm down his face. “We’re not ready!”

“Yes, you are! That’s why this guy said that if you want in, he’ll save the spot for you. But he needs an answer by Monday, or he’ll start looking for another band.”

“But, Dad, the fifth is in three weeks! We are so not ready!”

“Again, you are. Plus, it’s not a huge place.” Nikolaj crouched down, perching himself on the armrest of the couch beside Kaj. “You’re always joking about giving a concert and so on. It could be a great chance to test the waters, if you wanted.”

Kaj clenched his jaw, brow furrowed. “What do you think, Noah?” he asked, turning to look at him.

“I-I don’t know?”

Just the thought of stepping on a stage and performing in front of a bunch of strangers made him sick.

A part of him wanted to do it. They’d daydreamed like idiots about having their band name put on a festival poster. He had actually talked to Trine about the possibility of pursuing a music career when he went to college because, right now, that was all he lived for. But he wasn’t ready to get out there, or maybe the fear of being judged was holding him back.

“I think it could be nice? But we need to talk with Theo and Val about it.”

“Yeah.” Kaj nodded.

Nik smiled as he stood up. “Happy to hear that. I’ll leave you to do your thing now.”

And just like that, Kaj’s dad offered them the wings they needed to fly as high as they wanted.