If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Five

“Are you ready, guys?” Nikolaj asked.

“Not really,” Theo said, looking sick.

They’d accepted the offer to perform live. Had spent the last three weeks practicing like crazy. And now they regretted it. All of it.

Nik chuckled, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze. “You’re going to do amazing. You’re great. So, don’t be afraid. This is your chance to give it your all and actually get a reward for all your hard work.”

“What reward?” Val asked, fear reflected in his greyish-blue eyes while they got ready to step on stage.

Noah got it. He really did. They’d been playing together for months, but it was always in Kaj’s garage with no audience other than his dad or Jesper whenever they came in to grab something. This was different. There were strangers outside waiting to be entertained. Even though most wouldn’t care if they became the next big thing or not because they probably only wanted to get boozed, it was intimidating.

“You’ll see when you’re done.” Kaj’s dad smiled. “Now, go out there and show them what you’ve got!”

“And now, welcome My Lost Chance!” the manager of the club called on the mic.

Noah bit the inside of his cheek, remembering how they’d chosen the name for the band. It was a fun afternoon, one of those rare days with no girls around. The four of them were sprawled on the carpeted floor at Val’s, eating junk food and writing a list of names they liked, then checking online to see if someone was already using them, as if it would ever matter. Hours and a million scrapped lists later, Val blurted My Lost Chance, and the rest was history.

Noah followed his friends up on stage. Only five steps, yet it felt like climbing Mount Everest. From up there, even though the spotlights were partially blinding him, the place looked bigger than before. It was dizzying.

You’ve got this, you’ve got this, he repeated in his head like a mantra.

The singing lessons had helped a ton with his technique. Even when he tried grittier sounds, his vocal cords remained perfectly healthy. It was a pain in the ass for Trine to drive him to Fredericia three times a week. She was working, taking care of the house, him, and also trying to finish some courses to become a makeup artist. But since Noah hardly ever asked for anything, she didn’t think twice. And honestly, he was beyond thankful. He never thought he’d be into singing, but now he couldn’t wait to see what else he could learn to do with his voice.

A deep breath. One steady heartbeat. Kaj clicked his drumsticks, and they began to play.

Chords vibrated, drums resonated, and Noah’s intonation faltered. Fuck . He hadn’t been so nervous in his entire life. No matter how good he was at this, the sensation of dozens of eyes on him, as if they expected him to fail, turned him into a puddle. His palms were clammy, his stomach was churning, and his heart was pounding violently. He didn’t even know how he was still standing. And as bad as he wanted to run away, he couldn’t. Not when they’d been practicing for so many months. Not when this wasn’t just about him.

Looking at Val and Theo strum the strings of their respective instruments, a surge of dopamine flooded his system. They seemed so happy, enraptured even. Almost as much as Kaj, who was beating the crap out of his drums with a grin splitting his face. There was no way he was going to let them down after everything they’d done for him.

Noah took the mic off its stand and gripped it with both hands. He still felt like he might pass out or throw up at any moment, yet he wanted to put on a good show.

Minutes ticked away, and they reached the end of their set without realizing it. As they finished playing the last song, all the fear dissipated with what came afterward.

Nikolaj was right about the reward. He was right, because in the first row, together with Trine and Val’s parents, the entire crowd roared. It wasn’t deafening, but the response was otherworldly. Whistling. Cheers. Clapping. Noah’s entire body buzzed with enthusiasm.

They’d told their parents to leave. It was embarrassing having them here. But they didn’t listen. Noah felt bad that Theo’s mom wasn’t with them, though it was no surprise since she never seemed interested in her son’s whereabouts, but even her absence couldn’t bring them down. They may have just been boys navigating the most confusing moment of their lives, standing in a small, gritty rock bar in the middle of nowhere, but that night they’d reached the top of the world.

A similar jolt of excitement hit Noah a week later.

Val was on a date that Saturday and Theo was visiting his grandma, so Kaj and Noah were alone. Like old times, they’d been watching anime and eating pizza, falling asleep before they could turn off the laptop.

It was past two in the morning now. The entire house was silent, nothing but the streetlights illuminating the room. The tree branches swaying in the wind were the only thing he could hear. Nikolaj and Katja were in bed, and so was Jesper, who was back home recovering from something called mononucleosis. He was getting better, but was staying longer to regain his strength.

Sleepy, his eyes blurry and heavy, Noah dragged his feet toward the bathroom in the hallway. He didn’t pee before passing out, so this was bound to happen.

Once he emptied his bladder and washed his hands, he stood in front of the mirror for a couple of minutes. Tired black eyes stared back at him, taking in his patchy stubbled jaw, the long hair reaching his chest, his prominent Adam’s apple, and his body. He was still kind of skinny, but even in his pajamas, he looked good. Hitting the gym to increase his cardiovascular strength and improve his singing—he was taking this shit seriously—hadn’t been such a horrible decision.

Releasing a sigh, Noah rubbed his face and went back to the bedroom.

“Can’t sleep?” Kaj’s hoarse voice asked in the dark.

“I needed to pee,” he whispered. “Sorry to wake you.”

“It’s alright,” he mumbled, turning around to face Noah.

They’d grown up, filling his bed more than when they were kids, but they still slept together when Noah was over. It was only when Val and Theo stayed here too that Nikolaj pulled out the air mattress.

A part of Noah would have liked to be separated. They had gone back to normal a while ago. Their interactions and everything else were the same as they used to be, but he still couldn’t control the things he felt or his physical reactions when he was around his friend. But then, another part of him wanted to be close to him all the time.

“I’m so fucking lightheaded,” Kaj rasped as he got closer.

“Are you still drunk?” Noah asked.

“No. I don’t think so. Just a little tipsy. What about you?”

Noah’s eyes were adjusting to the lack of light in the room, but he could feel it, the warmth of Kaj’s body embracing him, his breath brushing his lips.

“I-I’m good. I didn’t drink as much as you did.”

“Good, because I wouldn’t like you not remembering this.”

“Wha—”

Kaj’s palm touched his cheek, and his mouth pressed against Noah’s.

It was a chaste kiss that lingered for only a few seconds, but it rattled his entire existence. When Kaj moved away, leaving a few centimeters between them, he’d almost forgotten his name.

“What are you doing?”

“Kissing you?” he deadpanned, sarcasm dripping from his tone.

“I know, but why?” Noah hissed, annoyed that kissing was just a joke to him. “Don’t you like girls?”

Kaj lifted a shoulder, his hand resting on Noah’s neck now. “I do, but I’m also aware that you like me, and you’re my best friend. I was curious.”

“W-what?”

“It’s the way you look at me. I-I think I like it.”

Noah wanted to be buried six feet under, and although he was unsure he’d like the answer to his next question, he asked, “How was it? Is it weird kissing another guy?” He tried adding some humor into it so Kaj wouldn’t notice how flustered he was. But he probably wasn’t doing a good job because his jackass of a best friend was smirking.

Kaj cupped Noah’s crotch, startling him. “That was too brief to have an opinion.”

“Oh. Um…” Blood rushed south, leaving no drop for his brain to function properly.

Without asking for permission, Kaj repeated the same bold move from before. This time, however, the fingers of his right hand dug into Noah’s neck, tangling into his hair, while the other rubbed his dick over his underwear.

“Fuck…”

“Feels good, huh?”

For a fraction of a second, they stared into each other’s eyes. Even though it was dark, the light seeping through the window was more than enough to see the way lust took over. Wild heartbeats and eager mouths, that’s all they were.

Grabbing Kaj’s neck, Noah kissed him back. It was clumsy, with teeth crashing and weird angles, tasting like pepperoni and beer, but it was also wet, warm, and exhilarating. Noah had no idea how to do this, so he let Kaj lead, relishing the softness of his lips.

Caught up in a mix of insecurity and ecstasy, Noah moaned when Kaj moved his palm from his cock to his ass, groping him and pulling him closer. He needed more. More friction. More of his skin against him. But he didn’t know how to ask, and his hands seemed frozen on his shoulders, holding on for dear life or something. Good thing his friend had always been great at reading his mind.

He rolled them over, placing himself between Noah’s thighs, and rutted against him. Their lips burned, tongues chasing each other in awkward circles, as the proof of their arousal grew.

Noah didn’t remember ever being this horny when he jerked off, but then again, he’d never done this before. Apparently, it was a night of firsts. First alcoholic drink after bugging Jesper to death to let them try it—beer didn’t count. First real kiss. And also Noah’s first... whatever this was.

Breathless, they kissed and grinded, unable to find a matching rhythm. But that didn’t seem to bother either of them.

Before he knew it, a sense of pure bliss spread through his body, and Noah was coming in his boxers. He bit down on his lip to repress the moan scratching his throat, shuddering all over. He’d never experienced a high like this in his life. That Kaj was already trembling, too, only added to it.

A few seconds later, Kaj’s movements became sloppy as he sucked on Noah’s neck. Soft moans escaped him, and then it was over.

“Happy fifteenth birthday,” Kaj whispered against Noah’s mouth before rolling off to lie beside him.

A few beats passed while they caught their breath, staring at the ceiling. Noah was so baffled, he didn’t know what to say. Did it feel good for Kaj? Because it definitely did for him. Would he want to do it again? Since when did he like boys? Had he already done this with another guy?

“Stop it.”

“Huh?”

“Overthinking. I can hear the wheels turning in your head.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” He took a deep breath and fell silent. It felt like hours before he spoke again, though it had probably only been a couple minutes. “Did you... like it?”

“Ehm... Y-yeah. It was good,” Noah replied, trying to keep his cool and not look needy. “You?”

“It was different.”

Noah blew a puff of air through his nose. “That doesn’t sound too good?”

“No, yeah. It was great.” Kaj sighed. “I’m just trying to process and decide whether I should freak out or not.”

“For making out with a guy?”

“Mostly.”

“Okay, yeah. Makes sense.”

It really didn’t make sense to Noah. Despite finding the idea of engaging in anything sexual a hassle, he had no doubts about who he was attracted to. But if he ever kissed a girl and liked it, he probably would be confused, too, because that’d be like seeing a unicorn—impossible. So, he got it. Kinda.

“But I’m not freaking out, not even a bit, which is weird, and good, I guess. The sensations were completely different, but your cock against mine felt nice. And your lips are so soft. You’re not that bad of a kisser for a first-timer. I haven’t tried anything before because I wasn’t sure how it’d affect our friendship, but I’ve wanted to kiss you for a while now,” Kaj babbled in a low voice, talking more to himself, as if saying it out loud helped him think clearer. “Does that make me gay?”

“I don’t know. Bisexuality is a thing, too. Even if I don’t really understand it.”

Another sigh. “Dad always says that as long as people don’t hurt others, what they do in the privacy of their bedrooms is no one else’s business. That as long as everything is consensual, it’s all good. Whatever that means.”

“Mom says the exact same.”

“Would that make me a slut? If I liked both girls and boys, I mean.”

“I wouldn’t say so. You’d just have more options.”

Kaj snorted, and silence settled between them once more.

Noah was afraid of rejection, of losing his friend. Because if they were weird around each other after one peck on the lips, with the current situation—he didn’t even want to think about it. Kaj meant the world to him. If they fell apart, he would break in two. So, he just waited as the cold of the night slipped under his skin.

“I-I... don’t know what I am.”

“You’re Kaj,” Noah whispered. “You don’t have to decide now. Who you like doesn’t define who you are.”

“Right…” he said, turning around. “Are you okay?”

“I am.” Noah was, but he was also on the verge of crying as arousal turned into fear and uncertainty.

“Look at me.”

Reluctantly, he rolled onto his side. “I’m good. It’s just...”

Kaj’s beautiful face twisted with concern. “Do you regret it?”

“What? No! I’m just worried.”

“About what?”

“What happens now?”

Despite how vulnerable he felt, their relationship had always been like this—easygoing and honest. Kaj was straightforward and rarely ever held back when something was running in circles in his mind. And although Noah was more timid, Trine had raised him with such openness it was natural for him to talk about things like this. “Communication is key for a healthy relationship,” she used to say.

“Well, first, we should wash ourselves. I’ll lend you some clean boxers. And then…” Kaj pressed a tender kiss on Noah’s lips. “Tomorrow, or whenever, I wanna repeat this and do more, much more , if that’s okay with you.”

“Shit. I think I’m hard again,” Noah mumbled.

Kaj chuckled. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

He pushed him off the bed and, chuckling like accomplices in a crime no one knew about, they snuck out of the bedroom and into the bathroom. He grabbed two small towels from the closet beside the sink, soaked them under the tap, and handed Noah one.

“This shit is always so sticky,” Kaj mumbled as he pulled his pants and underwear down.

A half-mast dick bounced after he cleaned it and started rubbing the towel over his lower abdomen. Noah couldn’t take his eyes off him—off it. He was mesmerized by the size, the shape, and the hypnotizing movement.

“It’s not the first time you’ve seen it.”

Noah snapped back to reality, looking everywhere but at his friend.

Kaj smirked in the mirror. “You’re so fucking gay. I love it.”

“Shut up.”

“By the way, you should take your clothes off and clean yourself.”

“Here?”

“Where else?” Kaj looked around. “Are you shy now, Noah? We’ve seen each other naked more times than I’d like to admit.” He pinched his side.

“Stop it,” Noah hissed, slapping his hand away. “I know, but... it’s different now.”

“It’s better.” Kaj flashed Noah a look he’d never seen before. It was brief, but it made something flutter in his stomach. “Anyway, not to be pushy or anything, but if you don’t want it to completely dry and become crusty on your skin, you should clean yourself.”

Without sharing another word, Noah complied, taking off his clothes under Kaj’s scrutinizing gaze. His friend bit his lower lip, poorly concealing a devilish grin, but at least he didn’t say anything.

It was strange, but knowing his feelings were reciprocated after one year of secret longing was amazing. It was as if a huge weight was lifted off his shoulders. As if he could really be himself.

Once they were completely clean, they put on the boxers Kaj had grabbed from his dresser. Unsure what to do next, Noah stood frozen in place. He didn’t want to explode the bubble he was floating in right now, but he still had questions.

“Do you think we should, maybe , keep this to ourselves for now?” he asked, looking at Kaj through their reflection. “Like not kissing or holding hands in public or anything like that, I mean.”

He wasn’t ashamed and didn’t really want to hide anything from anyone, yet he wasn’t sure if he was ready for the world to know he liked boys.

“Hmm, yeah. I don’t wanna become the town’s new gossip.”

“Should we at least tell Val and Theo?”

“Maybe we should keep it a secret from them, too, for now? Even if they don’t seem homophobic, like some of the assholes in class, I don’t want them freaking out until we actually know this is going somewhere. For the band.”

Noah frowned. He didn’t expect Kaj to be in love all of a sudden, especially not while they were trying to figure themselves out amid the confusing rollercoaster that was adolescence. But he also didn’t expect this to be some kind of experiment for him.

“Yeah, you’re right. Better wait.” Noah bit the inside of his cheek. Now that he had his attention, now that he’d had a taste, he didn’t want to back out, no matter how much it hurt if it turned out to be one-sided in the end.

Kaj stepped into his personal space and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. “Let’s go back to bed, or we’ll be dead tomorrow.”

“Yeah.”

When they opened the door, they almost bumped into Jesper. As a reflex, both of them hid their soiled underwear behind their backs. They’d been caught red-handed. Noah didn’t know about Kaj, but his heart was thumping in his ears.

“What the fuck are you two doing up so late?” he scolded in a low voice.

“We needed to pee,” Kaj said.

“Together?” Skepticism quickly replaced the surprise on Jesper’s face. He was twenty-one and obviously didn’t buy their bullshit.

“Yeah, so?”

“Were you holding each other’s dicks?” he quipped.

“You’re such an idiot,” Kaj retorted.

“Yet I can pee alone, which reminds me... get out of my way.” He pushed them out of the bathroom, smacking Kaj’s ass on their way out.

“Why’d you slap my ass?”

“Love how stupidly nervous you get when I do it. Are you in love with me or what?”

Kaj flipped him off. “Sit and spin.”

“Go back to bed. Kids shouldn’t be up at this hour.”

“First, we’re not kids . And second, we want to go to the movies tomorrow, but I have no money, and Dad isn’t giving me more this week because ‘you shouldn’t spend all your allowance on CDs if you’re making plans to go out with the guys,’ ” he mimicked Nik. “Can you lend me some?”

“And why would I do that?”

“Because I know what you were doing in the garage just now with that blonde chick, and you don’t want me telling your mom.” Kaj grinned triumphantly.

“Oh my god! You’re such a sneaky brat!” Jesper flicked his forehead.

“Ow!” Kaj rubbed a palm over the reddened spot, frowning.

“Fine. I’ll give you the money this one time, but seriously, go to bed.”

“Aye, sir!” Kaj’s attitude changed immediately as he grinned.

Once Jesper locked the door, between giggles and whispers, both teens tiptoed back to Kaj’s room and tucked in bed.

Noah was about to turn around to face him, make sure he wasn’t dreaming all this, but he froze.

“Is this okay?” Kaj asked, embracing him from behind and nuzzling his nape.

“Y-yeah…”

“Good.” Kaj let out a content sigh. “Night, Noah.”

“G’night, Kaj.”