If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Six

Breakfast with Kaj and his family the next morning was like sitting at a table to eat with a bunch of strangers. Noah tried to act normal, but the sensation that everyone knew what they had done made him all fidgety.

Once they finished, Trine picked them up, making the scene even more embarrassing as she hugged and kissed Noah like she hadn’t seen him in a year. But at least he didn’t have to keep putting on a lame poker face.

During the ride home, he couldn’t stop thinking about the night before, looking in Kaj’s direction only to glimpse a brazen smile curling up the side of his lips. He was aware Noah was watching him, and probably what he was thinking—mostly about how mind-blowing having an orgasm with someone else was.

Unfortunately, they didn’t get to lock themselves alone in Noah’s bedroom that day. Val and Theo were already waiting at his front door when they arrived. For a minute, he’d thought they had forgotten about his birthday, but they proved him wrong with the surprise party they’d organized with Trine behind his back. It was a great way to end the weekend—cake, presents, banter, and furtive glances between Noah and Kaj.

After that day, and until Christmas break, nothing else happened with Kaj, save for a few quick stolen kisses and some clandestine groping. Between school, swim practices, Noah’s singing lessons, and rehearsals, their schedules were hectic, so there wasn’t much time left to be alone without raising suspicion. But today, all the waiting and pretending was finally over.

“It’s been a while since you two had a sleepover of your own here,” Trine said while putting their cheese sandwiches on a plate with some french fries.

It was far from a fancy dinner, but she made the best mouth-watering melted cheese sandwiches in the world. Like she had some secret ingredient she never shared. Noah could survive on those for the rest of his life without complaint. It was a must when friends were over. However, he was so nervous that simply thinking of eating made him ill.

He was not as innocent as most people probably thought. Just because he was still physically pure didn’t mean his mind wasn’t full of dirty ideas. Kaj had unlocked a world of inconceivable fantasies a few months ago.

Noah couldn’t ignore the arousal he felt when he imagined his friend pinning him down on the bed, kissing every inch of his skin, and having his way with him however he pleased. It was like a dormant creature that just needed the right call to dust off its fur after years of deep slumber. But he was still the introverted boy he’d always been, afraid to ask for what he needed. This duality had him stuck between who he was and that latent, feral nature.

“Any secrets you wanna share but the rest of the world can’t know about?” Trine teased, displaying her witchy superpowers as she got two bottles of Squash from the fridge.

“Kinda.” Kaj lifted a shoulder, acting so out of character Noah almost smacked his head.

What even?

“He has a PlayStation and shooting games,” Noah said when Trine narrowed her blue eyes on them. “The guys love it. That’s why they always wanna go there.”

“The guys, huh?” She quirked an eyebrow.

This woman!

Noah could keep his mouth shut, not even blink, and she would still know things she wasn’t supposed to know. Sometimes she simply got a rough idea of what it could be, but others, she nailed straight on the head. If they didn’t want her to find out what was going on, they’d better put on their best masks around her.

She probably wouldn’t care, but Noah didn’t want to attend another TED talk; the one about safe sex a couple years back was mortifying. Knowing her, she would even give him tips on how to please a man. So, yeah, no thank you . That’s where he set the limit.

“Should I buy you one so you spend more time at home?” she asked, leaning her elbows on the counter as she tossed a fry in her mouth.

“I don’t like video games.” Noah shrugged. “But feel free to waste your money however you want, Mom. Can we go now?”

Trine laughed, shaking her brunette head as she ruffled Noah’s. “Yeah, go.”

They grabbed their food and drinks, going around the kitchen island to disappear into his room. Noah couldn’t take the questioning anymore. It was feeling a lot like a third-degree interrogation.

“You better prepare breakfast for me tomorrow, though,” she said. “And I want waffles!”

“Why would I do that?” Noah stopped at the threshold of the hallway that separated all three bedrooms and looked at her. As opposed to Kaj’s, this was a small, one-story house. He could perfectly see her wicked smile from where he was standing.

“First, I’m your mother and deserve to be spoiled once in a while. And second, bribery. So I keep my nosy ears off you tonight.”

Noah gulped. “Yeah, sure. Whatever.”

He rushed to enter his bedroom and kicked the door shut. Before he could process the fact that Trine most likely already knew something had happened between them, Kaj was kissing him with desperate need.

Noah’s knees wobbled, and his mind went completely blank. It was a miracle that he didn’t drop the plate.

“We should wait,” he said when Kaj gripped the front of his hoodie, leaving him a second to breathe.

“For what?”

“For her to get busy with something.”

Kaj protested against his mouth, “But I don’t wanna wait. It’s been a fucking month…”

Noah was very aware of that.

He couldn’t remember masturbating so much in the past. Hardly did it once every two weeks. Now, most days, he jerked off in the morning when he was in the shower and at night. Sometimes he would add an extra round for good measure in the afternoon, too. Doing it with a face in mind was something completely new to him, but he was starting to like it. Didn’t feel so pitiful when he didn’t just do it to empty his balls. Turned out he wasn’t broken, just needed some inspiration.

But no matter how many times he reached that delicious peak, it was never enough. He yearned to be touched. But right now was not the best moment.

“Kaj, wait, wait... I’m gonna drop this,” Noah mumbled between kisses, looking out of the corner of his eye while he placed the sandwich and drink on his desk.

“I need you naked.”

The plate had just touched a solid surface when Noah froze, fingers brushing the ceramic as he moved away with Kaj’s lips still glued to his.

He couldn’t voice it and expose himself, but he was afraid that Kaj might not like what was underneath his clothes. His abs were showing, though it was more for the lack of fat than actually being strong. Everyone developed differently, and apparently his body had decided that up was the only way to grow. He was taller than expected, considering he used to be quite short, yet he was skinny as fuck. He also didn’t have any feminine attributes, which Kaj liked.

What if that was just a phase? What if the realization that Noah was in fact a boy made him touch base and back out? He didn’t want to become a heartbroken, gloomy, ice-cream-eating mess like Mom after her last boyfriend cheated on her—she hadn’t told him, but he’d eavesdropped on that conversation unintentionally and saw the aftermath.

Noah had never been rejected romantically. Not because he was the most attractive guy on Earth, but because he’d never tried. Had never been interested in any of this. Amoebas had a more active sexual life than he did. But Kaj had flipped his world upside down, and now everything was scary.

“My mom’s outside.” Noah grabbed Kaj’s hands when they gripped the hem of his hoodie.

“We’ll be quiet,” Kaj coaxed. “Please?”

The logical side of his brain told Noah this was a bad idea, but who was he trying to convince? He’d lost control of the steering wheel the moment their lips touched for the first time. And this guy begging now? Goodbye, rational thinking.

Noah grabbed his face and smashed their mouths together. Their tongues rolled as they changed angles and fondled each other. Kaj walked him back toward the bed without pulling away, not even once, because breathing wasn’t that important. His scent, warmth, and urgency were overwhelming. His hardening cock pressed against Noah’s hip, distracting him. It summoned all the blood in his body, sending it south so fast he felt lightheaded.

Noah’s legs bumped on the side of the bed, and he lost balance. As he fell, Kaj followed him, letting out a full-chested laugh that vibrated between them when their bodies crashed. It actually hurt, but that sound... It felt like freedom.

Since the day Kaj had defended Noah four years ago, before they had even been properly introduced, Noah knew that he could trust him. That being with Kaj would always be safe. That he would never let him down.

Suddenly, all the worries eating at him before were lifted. Self-consciousness vanished. And there, in the shelter of his touch, Noah felt an onslaught of emotions that dragged him deep into the abyss of desire. He didn’t hesitate anymore.

They ripped each other’s clothes off piece by piece, and soon they were lying on his bed, completely naked. They stared, panted, and stared some more. The world could have exploded, and they wouldn’t have even noticed.

“Holy shit...” Noah breathed out as a horde of butterflies fluttered in his stomach and balls.

He’d seen Kaj naked countless times. He had felt it before. But looking at his hard cock right now, it was bigger than he thought.

“Yeah.” A smug grin splayed across Kaj’s face. “You’re not so bad yourself.” He reached for him, caressing his tip and making him twitch all over.

“Fuck.”

“Can I jerk you off?”

Noah chuckled nervously. “Why do you even ask? I thought that’s what we were here for.”

“I know, but Dad says consent is as important as condoms.”

“He gave you the talk too, huh?”

“Mm-hmm…” Kaj massaged Noah’s abdomen, hungrily looking at his cock. “So, can I?”

“Please.”

No more words were shared after that. Kaj wrapped his fist around Noah and moved it up and down. He thought he would combust on the spot, becoming a fireball and falling into ashes around his friend.

Kaj stroked him tentatively, as if he were trying to figure out what he liked. Then their mouths found each other again. A couple minutes later, his hand moved faster, finding a rhythm that pushed Noah closer and closer to the edge. He struggled to keep his voice down while his heart threatened to break through his ribs, but he didn’t mind. Kaj made him feel like he could fly.

Too bad it didn’t last long.

Barely a few seconds after Kaj sped up, Noah was coming undone, shooting white loads over his stomach. It dribbled down his friend’s knuckles, and, for some odd reason, he wanted to lick him clean. He didn’t, though. That would have been weird.

Without missing a beat, Kaj began wanking himself, eyes boring into Noah’s as he did. He planted a soft yet determined kiss on his lips, lingering there as a moan resonated in his throat. Floating in this dazzling atmosphere, haunted by the sounds they were making and the temperature soaring around them, Noah’s palm joined Kaj’s frantic movement.

He gasped in surprise, freezing for a moment before he let go, allowing Noah to take charge. He was soft and hot. It felt weird to touch someone else like this, but since he was a boy, it was easier to know how to go about it than if he were with a girl. Even if everyone experienced things differently, a cock was a cock.

A few more strokes, a twist of the wrist, and Kaj’s orgasm hit. He trembled, biting on Noah’s bottom lip to restrain his moans.

They stayed there, looking up, for several minutes, maybe hours, breathing in silence until their pulses steadied. Noah grimaced at the chipped paint on the ceiling. It was half-covered by the oversized Mot?rhead banner, but it still needed to be fixed. At least it hadn’t fallen on them.

Disjointed random thoughts took over everything else as Noah sank deeper into this strange, peaceful euphoria. He felt vulnerable, but also stronger, and somehow more connected to Kaj than ever before. He looked at him, and as if he could hear the voice in his head, Kaj turned toward him, smiling lazily. Then they kissed, soft and slow. They snuggled up in bed, caressing each other, enjoying the moment.

Soon enough, though, they were ready for more.

The next morning, they acted like they always did in front of Trine, joking and laughing, sprawled on the couch with some anime in the background. She watched them intently, but if she knew something, she didn’t say. The waffles did the trick, which was fine with Noah.

Days passed with Kaj spending more time at the S?rensens’ than at his own house. He’d said it felt crowded there with so many people since Jesper’s grandparents were visiting for Christmas.

Noah was too smitten to complain. Once they went back to their normal routines, there wouldn’t be so much time to be together. Now, with Val in Copenhagen and Theo in the Alps with his dad, they could fool around for as long as they wanted. Trine working most mornings and some afternoons only made it easier.

They’d kissed and touched until their lips burned. Although they didn’t pass to the next level—they weren’t ready—they experimented as much as humanly possible, searching for what turned them on the most.

“When did you know?” Kaj asked, his voice husky with exhaustion. He was lying beside Noah, arms and one leg draped around his body.

“When did I know what?”

“That you’re gay.”

“Hmm…” Noah twisted his mouth, mindlessly weaving his fingers through Kaj’s messy gold locks.

They were naked under a fluffy blanket, fleece on one side and whatever that super soft plushy-type fabric was on the other. The room was a disaster of walls covered in band posters, unorganized shelves, and clothes scattered on the floor, but the sunset painted it all in warm, gilded tones. A private paradise where nothing could disturb this beautiful stasis.

“I think I kind of always knew,” Noah said. “But I feel like, for me, it’s different than for most people.”

“How so?”

“You know how you guys sometimes talk about this or that girl looking hot and wanting to sleep with them?”

Kaj nodded.

“I’ve never felt that.”

“I see.”

“It took me a while to figure it out, though. I was never particularly interested in sex. Until you.”

Kaj raised his head, chin resting on Noah’s chest. “I’m that special, huh?”

“You’re just hotter than others.”

“I’ll take that.” He cackled, lying on his back with a sigh, eyes closed. “I like this.”

“Me too.”

Silence settled between them for a couple minutes, then a question that had been bothering Noah for days rose to the surface again.

It was cliché and strange, like everything related to their new dynamic. From what he’d heard, people didn’t ask these things anymore, but he wanted to know where they stood. What this meant to Kaj. If they actually had a future or if this was just a temporary bliss.

“Kaj…”

“Hm?”

“What are we?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are we... dating?”

Kaj opened one eye, studying Noah’s face for a moment before he rolled onto his side again. “Do you want that? To be official ?”

“I-I don’t care that much about labels, but you know… Like, am I the only one?”

“Why would you ask that?” Kaj frowned, seemingly offended.

“Because!”

“That’s not a reason.”

“Because every girl in town and school wants to be with you. So, I just wanna know if this is exclusive or if I need to prepare myself because you want to be with other people, too,” he babbled. “I can’t stand the thought of you cheating on me, so I—”

“I would never do that, Noah. Never ,” Kaj said, intertwining their fingers. “I’ve heard what they say about me—playboy, womanizer—but I’m not.”

After Kaj broke up with Anna, rumors spread like wildfire. He was called a cheater, and Emma was labeled a traitorous slut. However, Noah was aware it was all misstated gossip because they hadn’t started dating until a month later. Was it too soon? Maybe. But they never flirted before Kaj set the record straight with his first girlfriend.

Kaj was messy, but he was faithful and loyal to the bone. Yet Noah couldn’t shake off the sensation that Kaj might get tired of him sooner or later, and instead of telling him to avoid that awkward conversation, he’d go behind his back. Noah wouldn’t survive such a blow.

Also, he was the worst friend for thinking that.

“I know, but…”

“But what?”

“You’ve only been with girls up until now, and they’re delicate, and feminine, and pretty. And I’m a nerd.”

“And funny, smart, generous, caring, talented, creative, and so, so stupidly handsome with your dark eyes and silky hair.” Kaj squeezed Noah’s fingers a little between his own. “Do you want me to continue? Because I could go on forever.”

Noah felt a flutter in his chest, and his na?ve heart skipped a beat, disregarding the questions that had bothered him the most from the start— then why can’t we tell Val and Theo? Why are we hiding like we’re doing something wrong?

“It’s fine.” He sheepishly smiled.

“I like girls and boys, apparently. But I don’t do the whole friends-with-benefits thing. And I like you, Noah. I wouldn’t like seeing you kissing someone else, and I’m not gonna do that to you.”

“Okay. Cool. So, that means we’re... boyfriends?”

“I kissed you, so you don’t have a choice now.”

Noah gulped, fighting the urge to grin like a loon. They were boyfriends. Boyfriends . Just the word made him giddy.

“You thought I was playing you or something?” Kaj asked.

“No, I just—I wanted to make sure you weren’t going to go around kissing others.”

Kaj put a palm over Noah’s chest and nuzzled his neck. “You’re the only one I want.”