If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Seven

It was a cold Friday afternoon. They were sitting on a bench behind the leafy viewpoint near the cliff, kissing like they hadn’t seen each other in weeks. Though they had been doing exactly this yesterday, just in the last row of the cinema.

Maybe they were idiots, or too horny to think with the heads above their shoulders, or both. There was no other explanation for them to be here in the winter, making out. Well, there was—Trine and her new open-door policy. It was like she was trying to force them to expose themselves. She hadn’t done anything like that, ever. But she also didn’t have a teenage boy before, so who knew?

“I wish we could be home,” Kaj mumbled. He was panting, fingers digging into Noah’s ass cheeks over the annoyingly thick denim fabric. Their lips were purple, either from the cold or the bruising passion, but he didn’t seem to care.

“Yeah, me too.” Noah groaned without stopping the slow, tantalizing grind on his lap.

“Maybe in a few weeks when Dad and Katja fly to New York?”

“But Jesper will be around.”

“He already knows and doesn’t care.”

“Right.”

They still hadn’t told anyone, but after Jesper had barged into Kaj’s room without knocking and caught them kissing once, there was no way they could deny it. He was completely fine with it, though, and said he would keep their secret, that it wasn’t his story to tell. So far, he’d been true to his word. He had even covered for them a couple of times when they’d snuck out in the middle of the night to go to the docks.

“Besides, he’s out almost every day with his friends, so we’d have the entire house to ourselves.”

Noah grinned against Kaj’s mouth. “Sounds like a plan.” His breathing turned ragged, and he kissed him with all he had.

The thought of lying with Kaj, skin on skin, was enough to send him to the stratosphere. This guy, his boyfriend , was so beautiful, it was overwhelming. He couldn’t keep his hands off him whenever they were alone. So much so that seeing him naked every once in a blue moon was becoming painful. The last time had been fourteen days ago, on Valentine’s Day, when Nik and Katja had gone out on a date. Before that, it was during the most amazing weeks of his entire life—Christmas break.

“I hate that we have to sneak around like this...”

“Me too,” Kaj said between kisses.

“I’m gonna come if we keep going.”

“Do it. Your face is gorgeous when you do.”

He could feel it, the shiver running down his spine and into his balls, his dick throbbing with need. Almost. Just a bit more...

“Noah S?rensen!” Trine called, and they both froze on the spot, slowly turning to look at her. “What in the hell are you doing?”

“I-I... Ehm, uh...” he blabbered, dismounting Kaj ungracefully and so fast he stumbled over his feet. “It’s not—”

“I can explain...”

“You idiots...” Her expression was serious, but Noah swore he heard a dash of mischief in her tone. “You wanna die of hypothermia, or what? Get in the car right now.” She pointed toward the narrow path that led to the cliff.

That’s when they saw him , Nikolaj. He was standing behind Trine, face twisted with shock, fear, and hurt. He didn’t seem angry, more like relieved? Either way, Kaj lowered his head when they passed by him.

“Do you have any idea how worried we were? You were supposed to be back two hours ago! Why didn’t you pick up your phones? Or text back or something? How did you even get this far without your bikes?” She continued her rant, scolding them for the entire ride home.

Meanwhile, Nik didn’t say a word, just glanced at them through the rearview mirror. His weird expression from before had turned into a faint, almost apologetic smile when Trine called them irresponsible brats, among other things.

The atmosphere was heavy, charged with tension and awkwardness, but it was also a touch comical. Both teens were so mortified for having been cockblocked by their parents, they couldn’t even speak. So, they just nodded. What could they say, anyway? She was right. It was their fault they’d been caught.

If only Noah hadn’t always been so open with her about everything, she wouldn’t know all the places they liked to hang out and be so nosy about it. But what’s done is done.

As they all entered the S?rensens’ house, silence settled. Nik walked into the kitchen momentarily to speak with Katja on the phone. She was in Copenhagen with Jesper, who’d had a run-in with the police after drunk driving a few days before.

“The kids are good, yeah. They were just ignoring their phones, like always when it’s us calling.” Nik paused to listen. “Yeah... Anyway, how are things over there?” This time he quieted longer, nodding at what she was saying as he walked over to the window. “What? How can you say that, Katja? Just a little is more than enough. Stop excusing him. He’s young, but he can tell right from wrong.” He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, clearly exasperated.

“You shouldn’t eavesdrop on people’s conversations,” Trine murmured, startling the teens peeking inside the kitchen.

“We weren’t—” Kaj started, but she didn’t let him finish, pushing them away and into the living room.

“He could have killed someone,” Nik said, loud enough for them to hear. “Sure, he’ll just have to pay the ticket and retake some driving tests, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t that serious. We need to have a talk with him.” Another pause. “Okay. Just take the time you need to settle it. And be careful, okay?” His tone was sweeter and lower again. “Love you, too. Bye.”

Noah and Kaj were sitting on the couch, bracing themselves under Trine’s scrutinizing gaze for what was coming. They were cold, clothes wet in patches where the remnants of snow had pressed against them, but at least with the heater behind them they would be warmer.

“So?” she said, legs crossed, staring at them from across the living room as Nikolaj walked in.

“So…” Noah parroted, unable to look at either of their parents. “We’re sorry we didn’t call?” It came out like a question because he was unsure what exactly she was asking.

Kaj was quiet, sitting on the opposite side of the sectional with an empty seat between them. They were too embarrassed to be any closer. Still, Noah could sense the nervousness emitting from him like ultrasonic vibrations.

“I said what I needed to say earlier in the car, and I think you got my point—no more sneaking out without telling us where you’re going and texting if you’re gonna be late. So now I’m asking why you didn’t tell us you were... seeing each other?” Trine asked as Nik took the armchair beside hers. For a big, rugged guy like him, he moved like a feline in the shadows.

“Because.” Noah rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. Sass and sarcasm were the best defense.

“What we really wanna know is why didn’t you trust us?” Nik’s voice was soothing. “Kaj, we talked about Anna and Emma when you were dating them. Why didn’t you tell me about Noah?”

“Because... he’s a guy?”

Both Trine and Nikolaj frowned. They weren’t angry scowls, but concerned ones.

“So? There’s nothing to be ashamed of,” she said. “We’re not gonna love you any less because of that.”

“It doesn’t matter who you wanna be with as long as they make you happy,” Nik added. “We only want the best for you. Both of you.”

Kaj lifted a shoulder. “We weren’t sure how you’d take it, or how Val and Theo would take it, and not everyone in town is okay with gay, so we just kept it a secret.”

Relief took over Noah upon hearing those words. He wasn’t ashamed of him, but truly afraid of the guys and his dad’s reaction.

“Why wouldn’t I be okay with you dating Noah, son? I mean, he’s been your best friend for years. I know he’s a good kid who appreciates you as much as you appreciate him. You’ve had each other’s backs since you met. Besides, if it weren’t for him, you probably wouldn’t pass math.” He grinned, trying to lighten the mood. “I can’t see a problem there.”

“Does that mean you’re okay with me being gay?” Kaj tilted his head.

“Are you gay?”

“I don’t know. I think I might be... bi?” Kaj averted his gaze as those words rolled off his tongue.

Although they hadn’t talked about it since the beginning of their relationship, Noah knew Kaj still liked girls—but he also liked him.

Nik got up from the armchair and walked around the coffee table to the couch. Plunking himself between the two teenagers, he wrapped an arm around his son’s shoulders. “You can be anything and date whoever you wanna date. That’s not gonna change us.” He gently punched his chest with his free hand. “I love you, Kaj.”

A sheepish grin appeared on his face. “Love you, too, Dad.”

Noah raised his gaze, only to find Mom looking at him adoringly, a soft smile on her face. “Come here,” she mouthed.

Reluctantly, he got up from the couch and dragged his feet across the carpeted floor toward her. He sat on the armrest. There was no way his ass would fit on the tiny spot she was patting beside her. Before he could react, Trine pulled his hoodie, and the world swayed as he fell backward onto her lap.

“Mom!” Noah screamed.

“I’ve got you,” she whispered, and he had the feeling that those words had a deeper meaning. “I wish you’d told me about this, though. I thought we were closer, but I get it. I get it. You’re growing up and all that.” She tightened her arms around him, and a sudden wave of embarrassment swept his insides.

He grumbled, trying to get up. She was right. He wasn’t a cute little boy anymore. And Kaj was there, in front of them. Noah didn’t need him seeing this .

“Let go, Mom.” He kicked his legs, but it was useless. He was like an upside-down turtle.

“But I’m glad you figured out who you are and your feelings,” she said, ignoring his complaints. “It makes me happy that you’re happy.”

“Thanks, Mom. But seriously, would you let me go?” Noah huffed.

With her right hand, she grabbed his face and squeezed, forcing his mouth to look like that of a fish. “Just one more thing.”

“What?”

“Are you using condoms?”

“Mom!” Noah rolled off her lap, his ass landing on the floor. “What kind of question is that?”

“Just making sure you’re being safe.” She shrugged like it was no big deal talking about this in front of Nik.

“No, we’re not! We haven’t—you know.”

“Okay, okay. But they’re also important for oral, just so you know.”

“We’re gonna be traumatized for life after this.”

“No, you won’t.” She chuckled.

Noah facepalmed himself. “We haven’t done any of that, okay? Can you please drop it now?”

They’d kissed. They had jerked together and each other off. But that was it.

He was sure that the horde of butterflies in his stomach every time he was with Kaj meant he was in love. Probably. Most likely. It didn’t matter if they were making out, simply holding hands, or reading silently in the same room. It was overwhelming. All of it. Feeling like colors were brighter when Kaj smiled. Like food tasted better. Like song lyrics made sense. Like he couldn’t breathe without him.

Noah wanted to be with him every minute of every day. But they hadn’t gotten to the next level yet . As comfortable as he was with what they were doing, Kaj had admitted he was intimidated about the idea of giving head, and Noah didn’t want him to do it until he was ready.

Did it sting knowing he’d gone down on two girls? Yes. But Kaj was also being thoughtful, asking him to wait until he could reciprocate. His selflessness turned Noah into a jellyfish, just going with the current, wherever it went.

“But do you want to?”

Noah knelt on the floor and grabbed Trine’s nape with one hand, covering her mouth with the other. “Would you shut up?”

Her muffled cackle vibrated against his palm.

“She’s right, though,” Nikolaj chimed in, making Noah look back at him. “We’ve talked about it and want to make sure you have all the information. It doesn’t matter if you’re two boys. You still need to be safe.”

“Wait. What?” Kaj frowned, his face turning a soft shade of red. “You knew about us ?”

The ghost of a grin curled Nik’s lips. “You’re not as subtle as you think.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Noah directed at his mother, ears burning with embarrassment. He felt like an idiot.

“We wanted you to tell us whenever you were ready,” she said, freeing herself from Noah’s grasp. “That’s why this conversation is so... unconventional.”

“Unconventional, my ass. This is an ambush!”

“The timing just seemed appropriate. And since we’ve known each other for years and you’re now boyfriends , it made sense to rip the band-aid off in one go.”

“And you claim you were teenagers once,” Kaj scoffed, folding his arms over his chest.

Nik chuckled. “We were!”

“Would you have liked to talk about this with your parents in front of your boyfriend or girlfriend, or whatever? Because I doubt it.”

“Those were different times. People were a lot more narrow-minded. Besides, we want to be better and offer you the freedom and non-judgmental space we didn’t have.”

With that last part, Nik looked at Trine, a silent conversation taking place.

Noah didn’t know it back then, but her entire family had repudiated her when she was only sixteen. Apparently, not going to college or at least finishing secondary education, becoming a roadie, and having sex with whomever she chose was a heinous thing to do. It didn’t matter that the experience gave her a purpose.

Even Grandma had stopped talking to her. It wasn’t until after Grandpa died and Noah was five years old that she realized the way Trine had chosen to live her life was no one else’s business, and definitely not worth losing a daughter and grandson over.

Both teenagers looked at their parents for a moment. Noah didn’t know about Kaj, but he wasn’t convinced this wasn’t some sort of trick. He had the best mom, but she was also sneaky.

“Thanks.”

Trine and Nikolaj smiled. The cards were on the table, and everything was clear, so they could go on with their lives. Or so they thought.

“Now that the cat’s out of the bag,” she started, “just wanted to let you know we agreed that we’re not going to stop you if you wanna have sex. It’s gonna happen eventually anyway, and anywhere , but we’d rather you be safe. So, instead of freezing your asses out in the cold, stay at home.”

“What she said.” Nik nodded, clearly feeling uncomfortable with her bluntness.

“I promise I won’t annoy you by knocking on the door.” She drew a cross over her heart.

Barely blinking as he tried to process the conversation they’d just had, Noah said, “Okay, can we go now?”

“Sure. But don’t close the door . We’re gonna order pizza!”

Both Trine and Nikolaj laughed.

The two teens ran into Noah’s bedroom as he retorted, “Shut up!”