If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Eight

After the weirdest conversation in history, everything went back to normal.

Nikolaj and Trine met up once in a while, sometimes with Katja, sometimes alone, and Noah and Kaj continued with their usual routines.

They started having more homey dates, unless they were hanging out with the guys or busy rehearsing. It was nice not having to hide anymore. Though, knowing Trine was in the house somewhere, they didn’t engage in much heavy kissing. It made them too self-conscious, no matter how much freedom and approval she gave them, including a box of condoms.

The woman was unhinged. Which was why they were desperate by the time Nik and Katja left for New York during spring break. Like Kaj had predicted, Jesper wasn’t around much, and it was thrilling to finally be alone for a change.

Today, they were getting ready for another concert. My Lost Chance was far from being a big band, but since their first gig, they’d gotten a couple other opportunities in different Fredericia bars. This would be their fourth.

Right now, though, Noah was in the bathroom with his face covered in foam while Nik taught him how to shave.

Kaj had started doing it almost a year before, but Noah’s skin, if you ignored the stray pimples, was silky smooth. Until now. The shadow of a mustache was showing above his upper lip, especially on the sides. There were also seven damn hairs on his chin. He hated it.

“Make gentle downward strokes, like this.” Nikolaj passed the razor over his face. “Do it in the direction that hair grows.”

Noah mimicked his movement. Not like he had much to shave on his jaw, but whatever. “Like this?”

“Yeah. You can do it against the grain or in the shower—heat and steam will make it easier for the razor to cut through the hair—but only after you get used to it. We don’t want you getting hurt.”

“Yeah, no.” Noah chuckled.

“Okay, now for the chin, you do it like this…” Nik tilted his head back slightly, gently tightening the skin of his neck, and repeated the same motion from his chin down. “Just don’t add too much pressure.”

When they were done, Nikolaj still took the time to explain everything about which products were best to avoid damage and keep his skin healthy and smooth. He also gifted him a small beginner bag with all the essentials.

When Noah returned to Kaj’s bedroom, between jokes and other distractions, like checking their new obsession’s tour dates, he and the guys finished getting dressed.

“Look at him, all smooth like a baby’s butt,” Theo quipped.

“Go die.” Noah flipped him off.

They put on their all-black outfits, boots, chains hanging from their belts, and leather cuff bracelets. Wearing all this paraphernalia gave them a confidence boost. It was silly and didn’t make Noah’s palms sweat any less, but it helped them to take on the rockstar role. And tonight was special.

Once the concert was over, for the first time, the four boys were allowed to stay in Fredericia and go to a party. They were the opening show for a well-known local band, and they’d invited them to hang out afterward.

Of course, there had been a long discussion about it.

The other band was formed by guys between eighteen and twenty-one years old. Their parents worried it would be a bacchanal, as if they had never tasted alcohol or gotten drunk before. Plus, Val was already sixteen, so he could legally buy beer without an adult. And it wasn’t like any of them were particularly interested in harder drugs. They’d seen what they could do—loved music and read everything about their favorite bands. Would they try at some point? For fun, probably. But they didn’t fancy the idea of joining the 27 Club.

Despite their pranks and attempts at pushing their parents’ limits, Val, Theo, Noah, and Kaj had always been good kids. So, they had no case and had to let them go.

“Fucking shit!” Theo said. “Have you seen this? Artificial Suicide is playing in Copenhell. That’s the weekend of your birthday, Kaj. Wouldn’t that be an awesome way to celebrate?”

“Are you fucking serious?”

Theo turned his phone screen toward them. “Serious as a stroke.”

“We so need to go,” Val said excitedly.

Artificial Suicide was a national band. They weren’t big yet, but the guys had no doubts the band would go far. Since the very first track they’d listened to after it popped up randomly on Kaj’s Facebook account, they’d been fixated on them. They still played covers of their favorite classics, but as their music tastes evolved, these guys had become the center of everything. Their drummer was ridiculously good. Just like the vocalist and the bassist—the groove was insane. But the fact that the guitarist was only one year older than them blew their minds. How someone so young could be that talented was beyond them.

“They’re also opening in Odense in three weeks for Dark Omen,” Noah noted. “I think the chances of our parents letting us go to this one instead of a festival are bigger.”

“But they’re both gonna play at Copenhell. We could watch the two and some others as well…” Theo trailed off, narrowing his eyes as he read out loud, “Fucking Parkway Drive is playing too, and In Flames, Alice in Chains, and Down.”

“We lose nothing for asking.” Val shrugged.

“True,” Noah agreed. “But it would be our first time at a big concert, and unless all the stars align, I don’t think they’ll let us go.”

“Well, a Dark Omen/Artificial Suicide combo in Odense would still be amazing,” Kaj said. “They’ll be okay with that if Trine comes with us. She could even get us backstage. I bet she still has contacts from when you lived there.”

Mom had worked in the industry for several years, even after Noah was born. She didn’t tour anymore, but sometimes helped when a gig took place in Odense. She was, in fact, still friends with techs and other run crew.

“Yeah. We could ask her.”

“But those tickets are probably gonna be sold out by now. I mean, Dark Omen…” Theo noted.

“Guys! All your stuff is already in the van. We should get going!” Nik called from downstairs. “You’re gonna be late if you don’t hurry.”

“Coming!”

They grabbed their phones, wallets, and leather jackets, and met Nikolaj and Val’s dad at the front door.

“Ready, guys?” Malthe asked.

“Hell yeah!” Theo said.

The twenty-minute ride had never felt so long. They were equally nervous and excited. After setting up their instruments, doing a quick sound check, and chatting with the other band, the evening passed by in a flash. The concert was like a blur of lights, sweat, and raging hearts.

The first chords they played were still hesitant, but with each concert they’d put on, they were slowly becoming more confident. In their synchronization. In their sound. In their individual skills. It was energizing and only cemented Kaj and Noah’s dream of doing music professionally in the future. It was more of a hobby for Theo and Val, but they gave their everything during rehearsals and on stage.

Performing together also never failed to make them hot. Blood rushed through their veins so fast, Noah felt intoxicated every damn time. The need to fuse to Kaj’s skin was impossible to fight. He only wanted to touch him more and more. The hunger was insatiable.

“Are we really gonna do this here?” Noah asked, a bit skeptical.

“Yeah, why not?” Kaj panted against his lips as they ravaged each other’s mouths, hips pressed together so tight Noah could feel his hardening cock aching for him.

“Because there are people outside.”

The loud music, the laughter, and drunkard chatter filtered through the bathroom door, where they’d snuck after dodging their friends at the party.

“Don’t you like the risk?”

“Yeah, but—” Noah shivered when Kaj cupped his crotch. “This is tempting fate a little too much.”

“Are you afraid?”

“No,” he said, leaning into his touch to prove his point.

“Then why do you care who’s outside?”

“Well, someone might need to use the bathroom. And wearing boxers sticky with cum all night is not my idea of fun.”

“Then maybe I should lick you clean.”

Noah’s balls thumped and his dick throbbed, something between a whine and a gasp escaping his lips. Was he for real? Was he finally ready?

Kaj tossed his head back and laughed wholeheartedly, eyes turning a warm shade of blue Noah had never seen when he looked at him again. “I love you so much.”

Time stopped, and their hearts thudded in unison, becoming one for the most ephemeral, beautiful second.

“W-what did you just say?” Noah’s breath quickened. He felt lightheaded, about to explode, like he was floating in outer space.

“That…” Kaj sobered and blushed, biting his bottom lip. “I love you, Noah.”

“You mean, like—”

“Like I’m madly in love with you.”

His mouth hung agape, eyes opened wide.

Kaj snorted. “You should see your face right now. You look—”

Noah grabbed his face and smashed their lips together. He kissed him with force, and with his heart in his throat.

He knew they had a special connection and enjoyed doing everything together, from riding bikes to playing music to pleasuring each other. He was also aware that the emotion swirling in his chest since they became a couple wasn’t simple affection. It was completely different from what he felt for Val and Theo. Nothing like what he felt for Mom or Nik. It was more, much more. To the point it was almost painful.

For a long time, Noah had thought he was broken. That something was wrong with him because he couldn’t feel anything special for anyone, neither physical nor sentimental. That he would end up becoming a bitter old man. But Kaj and his smile ended the vicious cycle of intrusive thoughts. And like the rain, his words cast Noah’s fears into nothing.

“I love you, too.”

They smiled against each other’s lips.

“I love you. Fuck, that feels good to say.”

Noah chuckled. “Yeah, it does.”

“Say it again.”

“I love you, Kaj.”

His lips came crashing down, but then Val banged on the door.

“Whoever is in there, please, I beg you, open up.”

They stilled, hoping he would go away.

“If you don’t open the door, I’m gonna pee right here, then blame it on you.”

“Jesus, I hate drunk Val,” Kaj mumbled, pulling himself away from Noah and reaching for the doorknob.

“Thank you, dude…” Val’s voice died as his gaze traveled from Kaj to Noah and back to the drummer. He did a second run. This time he fixed on their lips, most likely swollen from the heavy face-sucking. “What... You two—” He flicked a finger between them, alcohol visibly draining from his system at the speed of light. “What the fuck?”

Kaj covered Val’s mouth with a palm and closed the door again. “Shut up.”

“The music’s too loud for anyone to hear. But seriously, what the fuck? Since when?”

“Didn’t you need to pee?” Kaj motioned to the toilet.

“Ah, yes. Excuse me.” He unbuckled and unzipped his jeans, quickly whipping his dick out with a sigh. “Ah, the fucking relief. By the way, text Theo and tell him to come here.”

“What for?” Kaj asked.

“What do you think?” Val shook his cock and tucked himself in before turning around. “This little dirty secret you’ve been keeping from us.”

Noah crossed his arms and leaned back against the wall. “It’s not like it’s any of your business.”

“He bites!”

“Shut it, Andersen,” Kaj spat.

“It’s all good.” Val raised his palms as a sign of peace. “I don’t care what you do. But I thought we didn’t have secrets between us?”

“We weren’t sure how to tell you.” Noah shrugged.

“ Hey, guys, we’re fucking . See? Easy.”

“We should get out of here before anyone thinks this is a threesome,” Kaj said, swinging the door open.

“No offense, but I wouldn’t get it on with a dick.” Val laughed as they walked into the crowded living room at the worst possible moment.

“Look who we have here…”

Noah hadn’t seen him yet, but his entire body shut down. After putting up with his constant abuse for months until Kaj came into the picture, he would recognize that voice even in the dark.

“Never thought we’d see you again,” he continued.

“This explains everything. You were a girl all along, eh, bastard Jap?” one of his minions said.

“It’s worse. He’s gay.”

“What was your name again? Asmu... As-motherfucker-sen?” Kaj countered, stepping in front of Noah.

Val snorted. “Good one.”

Cold and fear tangled in his nerves, completely paralyzing Noah.

He thought he was over this. He hadn’t thought about what this guy and his friends had put him through in years. But now, all of a sudden, it was like he was eleven all over again. Locked in the bathroom stall. Down on his knees in the back alley of the library, his rib cage and stomach covered in bruises. Pushed down the stairs. Sometimes, there were only three guys, but other times, there had been six of them, just like now.

The room felt so small, he couldn’t breathe.

“What are you, his boyfriend ?”

The sardonic tone didn’t go unnoticed.

“Judging by the matching rash, he must be.” Another guy gestured to his own mouth, clearly referring to the redness of theirs.

“Yeah. You have a problem with that?”

“Seems like you’re not completely useless if you can deceive someone like that.”

“Say that again, you piece of shit.” Kaj clenched his fists. “I dare you.”

“What’s going on?” Theo asked, approaching them with some of the basketball players from their school on his tail.

“What are you doing here?” Lukas, one of the jocks and the little brother of the other band’s drummer, asked.

“A friend invited us.”

“No, I mean, what the fuck are you doing?”

“Just catching up with an old friend.”

“It looked like you were starting a fight with my friends. Didn’t you have enough with the beating you took on the court last weekend?”

“Shut the fuck up, asshole.”

Noah and the guys had seen his bullies around Fredericia before, but they went to rival schools and hadn’t acknowledged each other’s existence in years, so he didn’t understand why they were doing this. He’d never understood why before, either, but now of all times? Why couldn’t they just continue with their lives and have fun like everyone else here?

Alcohol and big egos did bring out the worst in people.

“You know this is my house, right?”

“Are you gonna drag me out?”

“Maybe.”

“I’d like to see that.”

In a flash, a storm of punches, kicks, and screams broke out in the middle of the living room. The ones who wanted nothing to do with it and had nothing to prove ran away. A few stayed for fun, cheering them on. It was everyone against everyone. A T-shirt yank. A spit on the face. Blood. Glasses breaking. It was pure mayhem.

“What the actual fuck?” the drummer of the headlining band shouted angrily while zipping his jeans. His hair was disheveled, lips glistening and red. “Okay, that’s it.”

After that, between insults and other profanities, the bullies were finally kicked out and threatened that if they ever came near this house, Lukas, or any of his friends again, they wouldn’t walk away in one piece. Slowly, everyone else had also left, and now it was just the basketball team, eight musicians, and a bunch of trash to clean.

Noah hadn’t registered much of the fight or how it actually ended. He’d been in a corner of the room, curled up with his knees to his chest, hyperventilating and trying not to pass out. He never thought his mind was this scarred. It wasn’t like he’d gone through major trauma. Or had he? How could a handful of bad memories collapse his system like that?

“Hey…” Kaj’s soothing voice whispered as he rubbed Noah’s leg lovingly. “Are you okay?”

“I’m not the one who got punched.” He grimaced, looking at Kaj’s face all battered. Then he glanced at the other boys in the room, none close enough to hear their conversation. They were groaning, wincing, and patting each other’s backs for their small victory. What even? “I’m sorry. I am so fucking useless.” Noah wanted to touch him, to kiss his pain away. It hurt seeing him like this.

“You are not useless. Stop it, please.”

“I could have helped, or at least tried to.”

Kaj shook his head, smiling. “I’m glad no one has touched a hair on your pretty head.”

“But—”

“You’ve never been one to get into stupid fights. And I don’t want you to change.”

At that moment, Lukas’s brother walked over to them and handed Kaj an ice pack. “Press this to your cheek so it doesn’t get swollen.”

“Thanks.”

“And, from one drummer to another, next time have someone else beat those assholes for you. Your hands are too precious for that.”

“He was defending his man’s honor,” Lukas said as one of his brother’s bandmates plucked a piece of glass from his palm. “Ouch, fucker!”

“Your man ?” Theo asked, raising his eyebrows and causing the cut on the left one to bleed again.

“You’re worse at reading situations than I thought.” Lukas laughed.

“What are you talking about?”

“You seriously didn’t see who he was shielding?”

“And you’re also awful at reading the atmosphere. Let’s leave them alone.” Lukas’s brother motioned for the vocalist and six basketball players in the room to go to the kitchen.

Noah’s lips curled into a weak smile.

Cliques didn’t exist within their school. This was evidence of that. Of course, brainless people were everywhere, but it wasn’t the norm there. You could see nerds, metalheads, and popular kids in the same group getting along just fine. They weren’t besties, but they didn’t look down on each other. It was a beautiful mix of colors.

For example, most of the basketball team wasn’t into heavy metal at all, yet still enjoyed a good show and an even better after-party. Lukas was actually the reason My Lost Chance had opened that night for his brother’s band.

“Okay, so what’s he talking about?” Theo asked, pressing gauze to his eyebrow.

Kaj sighed, ripping the Band-Aid off in one go, like Trine had said. “Noah and I are dating.”

“Who?”

Val snorted.

“Each other,” Kaj clarified.

Theo blinked fast several times, looking back and forth between him and Noah.

“Are you for real?”

“Yeah,” Noah said.

“Since when?”

“Thanks,” Val said. “I asked them the same thing when I caught them making out in the bathroom, and they never answered.”

“Shut up,” Kaj told him. “And since Christmas.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? You’ve been doing gay things behind our backs for almost five months?” Theo screeched, and when they thought he might not be as open-minded as Val, he said, “Who sucks it better? Girls or Noah?”

Kaj got up without saying a word and approached their friend, only to punch him in the ribs.

“Oh my fucking god! That hurt, you fuckface!”

Val tossed his head back and cackled like a madman. The night had taken such an unexpected turn.

“Maybe next time you’ll think before speaking,” Kaj said with a shrug, returning to his seat beside Noah and threading their fingers.

“That serious, huh?” Val said, resting his elbows on his knees.

Noah bit his bottom lip to hold back a smile and nodded.

“Why didn’t you tell us, though?”

“We weren’t sure how you’d take it,” he said.

“You know we’re nothing like those homophobic assholes, right?” He pointed toward the front door. “We would never judge who you date or fuck, or whatever.”

“Yeah, but still. You can never know for sure.”

“Noah wanted to tell you from the start, but I wasn’t ready to come out,” Kaj blurted. “I’m not ashamed,” he said, looking his boyfriend in the eye, confirming what he already knew, “but I wasn’t ready for the world to know.”

“Fair.”

“Are you both gay, then?” Theo asked.

“Noah is. I’m…”

“You’re bi,” Val stated.

“Yeah.”

“So, you like both, huh?” Theo, again, with the inappropriate questions. “Kinky.”

“As of now, I just like Noah.”

“That’s so cheesy, man.” He laughed.

“You know what’s not cheesy? My fist.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll shut up.” Theo raised his hands in surrender. “Seriously, though. How the hell have you kept it a secret for so long?”

“Because you’re oblivious as fuck.”

“Eh! Dipshit here didn’t know either.” He pointed at Val.

“We’re just good at hiding it,” Noah said.

“Fucking secret agents…” Theo shook his head in disbelief. “But I’m curious... how does it feel to take it in the ass? Does it hurt?”

“You’re pushing your luck.”

“Does that mean you haven’t done it yet? You’re taking it slow because you’re so in love…” Theo sang, blowing air kisses.

Kaj threw an empty beer can at him, rolling his eyes as he laughed even louder than before. “Idiot.”

Noah couldn’t contain his grin anymore. The fact that their friends were so accepting of their relationship. That they didn’t care at all whether they were gay or not. That they felt so comfortable with this conversation to make jokes—and risk their lives. That Kaj felt confident enough in who he was to share this piece of him with the world...

If happiness looked like anything, this had to be it.