If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Nine

“Are we sure this is a good idea?” Trine asked, crossing her arms and leaning back against the kitchen island.

Noah and Kaj were finishing packing, pretending they couldn’t hear the last-minute debate about their getaway.

Too late, Mom.

They were still surprised their parents had not only paid for the festival’s tickets but had also agreed to let them spend the weekend in Copenhagen under Jesper and his roommates’ supervision. Sure, they were twenty-two, but from what the teens had seen and their conversations with Kaj’s stepbrother, they liked to party. A lot.

“Don’t worry about them, girl,” Katja said. “They’re young and wild, but I promise Jesper is responsible. Besides, he cares so much about the boys. He won’t let anything bad happen to them. Right?” Her tone was demanding.

“Yes, yes. I won’t let anyone breathe near them.” Jesper huffed, exasperated.

He was probably annoyed after driving almost three hours straight from uni classes, only to have his mother nag him about his extra responsibilities for the next two days. He had been the one to help the teens convince their parents to let them come to Copenhagen in the first place, so he knew what he was signing up for.

Trine sighed. “Okay…”

“I get it, though. They grow so fast. It’s hard to let them go.”

“How do you do it?”

“I just suck it up, honestly. I miss my boy every day. But he’s gotta live his own life, too.”

“True.”

Nikolaj rushed into the house, almost out of breath. “Glad you haven’t left yet!” He hadn’t even changed out of his uniform, coming straight home from a twenty-four-hour shift. “I would’ve hated not saying goodbye.”

“We’ll be back on Sunday, you know?” Kaj said, zipping his backpack.

“Still.” Nik hugged him.

“You should take a shower, Dad.”

He chuckled. “Yes, sorry.”

“Don’t worry too much about us. We’ll be fine.” Kaj patted his father’s back, making him laugh.

“I know. And you better listen to everything Jesper says or you’re not leaving this house again until you’re thirty.”

“We’ll see about that.”

Nik grinned, pure devotion shining in his eyes as he looked at his son.

“Okay,” Jesper said, grabbing Kaj’s backpack and walking toward the front door. “We should get going or we won’t make it to watch Parkway Drive.”

“Yes! Bye, Dad!” Kaj fist-bumped him and followed his brother. “Bye, Katja! Bye, Trine!”

“Can I do anything to convince you to not go to Copenhell?” Noah’s mom asked.

“Sorry. Not happening.”

“Ugh.”

“We’ll be fine.” He gave her a hug and ran after his boyfriend.

The three of them got into Jesper’s car. It was a second-hand SUV, a bit beat up on the exterior, but he’d bought it with the money he saved from his part-time job and was proud.

Noah and Jesper had a lot more in common than he’d initially thought, so, maybe one day he’d be as cool as him.

From what Kaj told him, Jesper’s parents’ separation had been rough. Apparently, his dad was a violent man who used to beat them both, which explained Katja’s overprotective behavior toward Jesper. Once the divorce was finalized, he had to leave the house because it belonged to her family, and they never saw him again. After that, the two of them lived a humble life for several years with Katja’s waitress paycheck, until she married Nikolaj and they moved in with them.

The engine roared as they waved goodbye to their parents, enthusiasm already bubbling inside them. Kaj turned sixteen yesterday, and today they’d be attending their first big concert for one of their favorite bands. Before leaving town, though, they made a small detour to pick up Theo and Val. Once they were all buckled up, ready to start their adventure, Jesper stepped on the gas, and they hit the road.

A playlist with most of the bands they would be seeing played on shuffle the entire trip, and two hours with these guys flew by. They were on a tight schedule when they finally pulled up near Jesper’s apartment, so they hopped out, left their backpacks in the car, and ran to catch the bus.

Noah was excited beyond imagination. Fredericia was a big city compared to their hometown, but Copenhagen was wild. The streets were lively and so vibrant it was like being in a completely different world. teenth century residential buildings passed by the window as they rode down Frederiksborggade. Gorgeous trees skirted the street where people were coming and going in every direction, most probably enjoying the good weather and the end of the week.

They passed a beautiful square, where groups of friends sat at tables with beers in hand, and hopped off the bus to catch the metro, only to make another transfer at Christianshavn.

Twenty minutes later they were finally there, at Copenhell’s site. It was summer, but a black sea with just a few colorful accents was spread before their eyes. Metalheads definitely had no sense of self-preservation when it came to choosing their outfits under the searing sun. Noah loved it. He wasn’t an outcast here. They all fell more into the “normie” category as none of them wore crazy hairstyles, had body modifications, particularly striking clothes, or scruffy beards. This was paradise.

“Hey!” Jesper greeted two heavily tattooed guys as they neared the R.I.P entrance—an exclusive area to relax between concerts.

“You made it,” one of them exclaimed, giving him a side hug.

“Barely, but yes. Anyway, this is my baby brother,” Jesper said, resting a hand on Kaj’s lower back. “And these are his friends and bandmates.”

“You guys have a band? That’s cool.”

“Thanks,” Val said.

“I’m Kurt, by the way.”

The three teens introduced themselves, shaking his hand.

“Nice to meet you guys,” the third one said. “I’m Paul. Excited?”

“You have no idea,” Theo replied.

“We should get going, or we’re gonna get shitty places.” Kurt pointed in the direction of the two main stages.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Before they got there, though, they stopped at the bathrooms, sidestepping a couple of drunkards snoring on the floor beside the door, and then went to the Biergarten . It wouldn’t be a metal festival if they didn’t have beer running through their veins.

In the end, they didn’t get the best spots in the front row, but where they were wasn’t the worst either. Since the four teens were tall enough, they could still see the stage.

While they waited for the show to start, they all engaged in comfortable conversation. Noah could have never imagined that these guys, who were six years older and more experienced, would enjoy hanging out with them. They drank, joked, and even smoked weed. Though, he refused to do the last. The few times he’d tried tobacco or a joint, his throat had been all gritty and dry the next morning. Noah’s voice was his instrument, so he wouldn’t risk it. But it was amazing blending with the atmosphere like this.

He also got to see Kaj’s relationship with his brother firsthand. When Jesper came home during college breaks, it was only for a week or two. But Noah hadn’t often been around them when they were together. They’d talked several times, sometimes sharing anecdotes over a beer before or after rehearsal, but that was about it.

Now, however, their fraternal love was floating in the air. The way Kaj looked at Jesper with admiration. How Jesper never took his eyes off his little brother, becoming a wall to protect them against the careless drunkards snaking through the crowd. It made him feel happy for them, but he was also jealous for some reason.

As the light in the sky died, Noah saw something unexpected. Jesper and Paul exchanged a few words, then he whispered into his friend’s ear and groped his ass with purpose, making him smirk. Even though they weren’t subtle about it, he thought nobody else had seen. But after Paul and Kurt announced they were moving to where the action really happened—the mosh pit—Kaj turned to his brother, determination shining in his eyes.

“Don’t you like girls?” he blurted, sounding angry.

Jesper snorted and took a sip of beer. “What? You’re the only one who can like both?”

“No, but I’ve told you about me and Noah. Why didn’t you tell me ?”

“Technically, you didn’t tell me. I caught you.”

“Whatever. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“If you keep frowning like that all the time, you’re gonna get wrinkles soon.” He pressed a finger between Kaj’s eyebrows.

“No, I won’t. And don’t change the topic.”

Jesper looked at Val and Theo ahead of them, talking to each other as if they were here alone, then sighed. “Let’s just say, I wasn’t raised the same way you were.”

“What do you mean?”

“My dad was quite homophobic, so it’s hard for me to talk freely about it.”

“It’s me we’re talking about.”

“I know. I’m sorry, buddy.” Jesper wrapped an arm around Kaj and squeezed his shoulder. “I just... I didn’t want to confuse or influence you in any way when you were trying to figure yourself out.”

Kaj twisted his mouth, but he didn’t push it. “What about Katja?”

“Mom... well, she knows, but she doesn’t fully understand, either. So I just don’t mention it around her.”

“What?” Kaj tilted his head. “She doesn’t seem to have a problem with me.”

“She’s not a bad person or anything, and she loves you, your dad, and me. Would drown in her own lies before risking losing any of us. But after what my dad did and the things he used to say, well, she’s kind of... confused .”

Suddenly, a blue flash lit the sky, plunging everything into darkness again as the melody of Sparks slipped through the amps.

“It’s starting.” Jesper grinned, putting his arm over Kaj’s shoulders and whistling.

People clapped rhythmically, cheering at the top of their lungs while engulfed in this thrilling atmosphere. Meanwhile, as if nothing about the conversation with Jesper had upset him, Kaj leaned in and hooked a finger through Noah’s belt loop on the back of his jeans, kissing that sweet spot under his ear.

“I’m so happy to be here with you.”

Noah turned slightly and pecked his lips. “Me too.”

The murmur in the crowd got louder when the musicians’ silhouettes appeared on stage. The song twisted into its darker shade. Winston McCall’s voice shifted from speaking to growling. And there, for a millisecond, the world stilled, erupting in screams the moment the spotlights came on again as he roared into the mic, “I’ll bring the gasoline!”

The sweetest shiver ran down Noah’s spine, covering the skin of his back and arms in goosebumps. His heart leaped in his chest and his pulse thudded everywhere, making him more alive than he’d ever been.

Without missing a beat, the illumination changed from blue to orange as they weaved one track with the next. The aggressiveness of the flawless show, with lights flaring in time with the drums, hit Noah with an adrenaline punch. Intense. Surreal. Enthralling. It was a brutal onslaught of emotions.

The morning after, as they watched Artificial Suicide, among other bands, he was ready to die.

Their performance, under the bright light of the day, wasn’t as impressive as the ones at night, but they nailed every damn song. And their energy on stage? It was off the fucking charts. Just like their charisma. Watching them live was an out-of-body experience. Those guys had been born to do this.

They were everything Noah wanted to be, and they were living his dream, slowly climbing up in the industry. They’d only been playing for two years and already had a contract with Arkham Records, one of the most renowned independent record labels, with confirmed tours for 2014 and 2015 to travel all over Europe and even South America.

But what made him feel like he was really flying happened late on Saturday night.

Theo and Val were dead asleep on the sofa bed in the living room. Kurt had gone out with some friends to continue partying after the last concert. Jesper and Paul were engaged in what sounded like rough sex, judging by the way the headboard was knocking on the wall and their moans next door.

Noah was confused. Not only because this was strange to him, but because getting turned on by it and using it to his advantage didn’t feel as wrong as he’d expected.

“Oh, fuck…” Kaj whispered, breaking their kiss and tossing his head back as Noah jerked their cocks together.

Jesper had lent them his bedroom for the weekend, teasing them about how they could hug and fool around without their friends bothering them. On Friday night, they were too exhausted after the adrenaline had worn off. But tonight, they hadn’t had enough.

“Holy shit. Slow down or I’m gonna come.”

“I want you to come.”

“Me too, but not so fast.” He grabbed Noah’s wrist and stopped him, ragged breaths mixing between their lips. “I want... to try something.”

It was dark, but Noah’s eyes had adjusted to it, and with the streetlamps shedding a soft light over them, he could perfectly see the devilish smirk on Kaj’s face.

“Lie on your back,” he commanded.

“What?”

Kaj didn’t ask again. He simply shoved Noah’s shoulder and straddled him. “I’m gonna suck you.”

“What?” This time his voice came out high-pitched.

“You’ve wanted to do this for a while. And I asked you to wait. But I’m ready.”

“Are you sure? You really don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”

“I want to.” Kaj bit his bottom lip, gently rocking on Noah’s lap.

“But I thought-I thought you didn’t want to do it because…” Noah trailed off, unsure of how to finish the sentence without sounding like an insecure, whiny boyfriend.

“Because what?”

“Because maybe you had doubts or something.”

“About us?” Kaj asked while caressing Noah’s chest.

“Yeah…” He looked away, too ashamed to admit this while staring into his eyes.

“You think we’d still be together if I had doubts about anything?”

“I don’t know. Maybe kissing and jerking off is okay, but sucking… it’s too much for you. Otherwise, why didn’t you want to before?”

“It wasn’t that I didn’t want to. I was just afraid, okay?”

“Afraid of what?”

“I told you. It intimidates me a fucking ton.”

“Because it’s a dick?”

“No, because it’s super intimate. And I’m afraid I’ll gag, or hurt you or something, and make it all awkward. I want you to feel good.”

With those words, Noah’s body slumped down on the mattress, hard and soft at the same time. His heart hammered in his chest, anticipation nibbling his skin. This was the biggest reassurance. Kaj didn’t have any doubts about his sexuality or his feelings for him. He was scared to mess up. Just like Noah.

“But I’ve wanted to do it for a while,” he continued, moving down a little. “You have the best dick.”

Noah let out a laugh. “You’ve seen that many?”

Kaj lifted a shoulder. “I watch porn, and the boys on the swim team aren’t exactly shy in the dressing room. So, yeah, I’ve seen a few, and yours is the prettiest by far.” He wrapped a palm around it and gave it a slow, long stroke. “With the nicest curve and its pink head.”

“Shit...” Noah moaned.

“So, can I?”

“Yes.”

Kaj scooted down on the bed, his ice-blue eyes never leaving Noah’s. He seemed hesitant at first, planting kisses on Noah’s hips, getting closer, closer, closer... until his lips touched the base of his cock, making him gasp. The sensation was unfamiliar. Feathery. Gentle. Wet. His dick throbbed, asking for more. And as if Kaj heard his silent plea, he delivered, sucking him into his mouth.

Noah covered his face with both hands, biting down on his lip to repress the whimpers.

Kaj then pushed him a little farther into his throat. He shuddered as gagging sounds filled the room. Pulling out, a thread of saliva connecting his mouth to Noah, he took several deep breaths and tried again. This time he stayed there until his body accepted the intrusion. Then he began to move up and down, releasing him to lick his entire length. It was clumsy, with teeth scraping where he was wider, but nothing Noah couldn’t take or didn’t enjoy.

He had no idea if this was how a good blow job was supposed to feel, but he was so horny he didn’t know what to do with himself. He couldn’t look away from Kaj’s lips stretched to accommodate him. Even his fumbling hands that curiously moved from his thighs to his cock to his balls had him completely hypnotized. Everything was so intense, Noah had to squeeze his eyes shut and pray he didn’t come too fast.

“You still with me?” Kaj asked, his voice deeper than ever.

“Yeah…” he breathed out.

“I was dying to taste you... To make you finish like this.”

And with that, he took him back into his mouth.

With a hand tightly wrapped around the base of his cock, Kaj bobbed his head relentlessly. Noah was about to explode. His dick, too. This time, however, he was able to move. His fingers ran through silky golden locks, fisting them as an electric shock raced up his spine and spread toward his limbs.

“Kaj...” he moaned his name. “I’m gonna come.”

But instead of pulling him out, he continued sucking him. He gagged again but was determined. Noah couldn’t hold back anymore. Instinctually, his hips bucked in uncoordinated spasms, seeking the orgasm he was aching for. His balls drew up. His cock twitched. Every cell in him trembled, feeding on the aftershocks traveling from his groin.

Once it all faded, he turned into a crumbling castle of sand. The air entering his lungs burned. Yet, he felt like he was drowning in pure bliss.

With his eyes still closed, he felt the mattress dipping when Kaj laid beside him.

“I love you.”

Noah rolled on his side and looked at him. His sight was slightly blurry, and he was dizzy, but everything in him recognized this boy, his warmth, his voice. His heart fluttered and hurt for him. He needed Kaj like he needed oxygen and water to live.

“I love you, too.”

They kissed, deep and thorough, which morphed the utter adoration into lust. The taste of cum blended with their saliva was bitter and salty, but it awakened something in him.

“Can I do it to you now, please?” Noah’s voice was raspier than normal, but he didn’t care because he was desperate.

Kaj lapped his boyfriend’s lips and nodded. “Yeah…”

Noah moved lower down on the bed and positioned himself on his knees between Kaj’s legs, stroking him with a hand as he watched his dick harden completely. In the beginning he thought such an appendage couldn’t be classified as either ugly or pretty, but after what Kaj had said before... his was actually perfect. The proportion between length and girth was beautiful, just like its engorged head.

Noah licked his lips, suddenly hungry, and leaned forward to finally have a taste. Maybe it was his intoxicated brain, but the strong, musky scent of Kaj’s crotch mixed with the sweat and heat lathering their skin turned him feral. He barely recognized himself.

Although he’d never done this, and it was probably as awkward as it could be, he drew him into his mouth. He tried rolling his tongue around him, but that didn’t work—there was no space for it. Porn made this look so easy, but it was not.

Taking a break to breathe, because apparently that wasn’t something he could do through his nose when his mouth was full, Noah suckled his tip. Then he went down again.

The sounds Kaj made were music to his ears. And the way his hands pushed him down, choking Noah on his dick, severed the last cord tethering him to the real world.

He looked up, reveling in the beautiful vision of his mouth hanging open, eyes closed, and head pressed back into the pillow. Kaj arched, not giving him a break or a second to breathe. He was on the edge. It was easy to see. And Noah was more than willing to give him everything . All that existed was them, their greedy bodies, and the flames threatening to turn them to ashes.

“Baby…” Kaj moaned, but before he could say another word, he was erupting into Noah’s mouth.

The release shot with force straight into Noah’s throat, creating the biggest mess of cum and saliva as he coughed.

“Fuck, sorry…” he groaned, grabbing the base of his cock as it continued pulsing.

Noah laughed, watching him in awe. Kaj’s abs were contracting and relaxing as he joined him with a tired chuckle. His chest was heaving, and he seemed completely worn out.

He was so gorgeous.

Bending over him, Noah kissed Kaj’s stomach, slowly moving down, lapping and drinking every sticky drop off him, swirling his tongue around his boyfriend’s limp cock to lick him clean.

“That was... perfect,” he said, caressing Noah’s cheek as their eyes locked in the darkness of the room.

“You’re perfect.”

“Say it’ll forever be us against the world.”

Noah had never seen Kaj so naked, so vulnerable. He wanted to wrap him in the softest blanket and embrace him until the day they died. Crawling up the bed, he straddled his hips and pressed a kiss to his lips to seal the promise. “Always and forever.”