If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Ten

Between blow jobs, late-night skinny-dipping, and other summer activities, a month and a half passed by as if someone had pressed fast-forward.

Then, tragedy lashed their lives.

An explosion.

An industrial fire.

Dozens of injured workers.

Three casualties.

And among them, Nikolaj Larsen—brave firefighter, devoted husband, loving father.

Father .

To say Kaj was devastated was an egregious understatement.

After helping several operators who were harmed inside the oil refinery grounds, part of an installation came crashing down, trapping the firefighters in a pure, roaring hell.

Noah didn’t want to think about it. He couldn’t even try to put himself in their shoes and relive the agony they had to have endured. How terrifying the thought of not seeing their loved ones ever again must have been, or at least having the chance to bid them farewell.

According to the newspaper and what the chief at the fire station had told the families, one of them died instantly from blunt force trauma. However, Nik and his partner, although they didn’t say so explicitly, had suffered a lot more because of smoke inhalation and third-degree burns affecting over 50 percent of their bodies. They’d been in the hospital for two weeks, fighting to survive in their induced coma state. But neither of them had made it out alive.

And now here they were, getting ready for the funeral.

Noah didn’t know what hurt more, losing a father he never had or seeing Kaj curled up in a ball in his beanbag chair. He was physically there, but mentally? That was another story.

Pain fluttered behind his ribs and thumped in his head. He was numb after days of hearing Mom’s muffled cries through the wall, of seeing the heartbreak Katja and Jesper wore on their faces and how inconsolable Kaj had been. But now, all he felt was a terrible sense of dread, like a dark cloud was approaching. Since the day Nikolaj was disconnected from all the cables that kept him alive, it was like Kaj wasn’t there anymore. He was... vacant.

“Hey…” Noah said.

Hollow eyes looked in his direction. “What are you doing here?” Kaj’s voice was hoarse.

“Katja needed help with something and called my mom.”

“Of course.” Kaj rolled his eyes and huffed.

Noah had just stepped into the room and froze, confused. “What?”

“ My dad just died, and she’s making it all about herself,” he scoffed. “That’s kinda selfish, to put it mildly. Don’t you think?”

“She probably doesn’t know how to do this alone. I don’t know... It’s hard for everyone.”

“Are you taking her side now?”

“I’m not.” Noah raised his palms. “I’m just saying, Mom told me everyone deals with this stuff differently. It’s a process.” He was just babbling at this point, unsure how to make Kaj feel any better.

“Whatever.”

“How are you? Is there something I can do for you ?” Noah asked, approaching him.

“Not really.”

Noah had no idea what to do in a situation like this. When Grandma died, he didn’t have to comfort anyone because he was the one with the broken heart. But now... He was angry, mourning, and conflicted, but above all, he was lost. How was he supposed to act? What was he supposed to say? There was nothing that would ease Kaj’s overwhelming grief and get him out of this weird, cold state he was in. Not a joke. Not a kiss. Not even time. And that was killing him.

Noah sat beside his boyfriend, making his body bounce and lose balance as they sank into the beanbag. Neither of them fought it, though, which was good. At least Kaj wasn’t rejecting him.

“Ugh,” Kaj grumbled, shifting a little to get his phone out of his pocket.

“What is it?” Noah asked.

“Jesper. Jesus. He’s been breathing down my neck ever since the festival, texting me every day, sending me songs, memes, and shit. It’s like I’m his new favorite toy or something. Look at this, this made me think of you, I think you’ll like this .” He mimicked his brother’s voice, rolling his eyes as he pocketed the device again. “And since my dad was in the hospital, he’s been a real pain in the ass. Like, dude, if you have anything to say, just come up here.”

“He must be worried and wants to give you some space.”

“I don’t need his pity, or yours.”

“I haven’t said anything.”

“I know, but all you say lately is I’m sorry .”

“Because I don’t know what else to say.”

“Nothing you say is gonna bring him back, is it?”

Kaj was angrier than Noah had ever seen him, but he couldn’t blame him. That was why he didn’t take his harsh responses and mood swings personally. He was hurting. Noah had been there, done that. No one could even begin to imagine how painful the hole in his chest was.

“I know. Sorry.” Noah tucked his hands between his thighs, afraid to touch him, and stared down at his feet. It was strange how his brain tried to avoid reality by fixating on the stupidest things, like how his white socks contrasted so much against the navy-blue carpet.

Minutes ticked away, heavy in their hearts as the shadows moved on the floor and silence wrapped around them.

It’d been coming. Nikolaj’s situation was beyond critical when he was in the hospital. The doctors had said so. Kaj and his family had seen it when they visited Nik—nobody else was allowed in the room. However, they’d all still held onto hope. That ruthless tormentor that bred in your soul, only to immolate itself. A disaster of epic proportions that left nothing but fatal consequences.

“Can you hug me?” Kaj asked out of the blue.

Quietly, Noah did what he had to do, what he had been aching to do for days. They shifted uncomfortably in the beanbag chair, and he embraced him.

They stayed there, with Kaj curled up in Noah’s lap, for God knows how long. His right hand was tingling, and the muscles in one of his legs were all sore. But honestly? He would have remained there for all eternity if that was what his boyfriend needed.

“You look good in a suit,” Kaj mumbled.

Noah smiled with sadness. “You do, too. But don’t ask me to dress up anymore.” I don’t wanna go through this again. Can’t stand seeing you like this . “It’s so uncomfortable.”

Kaj let out a weak snort. “It is.”

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m good, considering. Happy you’re here.”

“Of course.” Noah caressed him, running his fingers through his hair and brushing them over his eyebrows, nose, and cheekbones. “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”

“Thank you.”

“No need.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“You don’t even need to think about that because I’m not leaving you. Ever. I love you, Kaj.”

Soft steps neared the room, drawing their attention to the door, where Trine appeared. She had put on makeup early that morning, but she’d probably been crying while caring for Katja downstairs, so the dark circles under her usually reassuring brown eyes were prominent again.

“Boys, we need to get going.”

“Okay.”

Kaj got up and walked toward her like an automaton, seemingly alive but dead inside. His broad shoulders and tall, strong frame looked somehow fragile.

Without sharing a word, Trine hugged him when he reached her side, and he wrapped his arms around her waist, but it seemed like a half-hearted effort. She frowned, clearly fighting the tears threatening to roll down her face. Her expression twisted, her nostrils flared, and she kissed his cheek. “I’m here for you.”

“Thank you, Trine.”

The funeral was beautiful. If you could call it that.

Family, friends, and a bunch of strangers had showed up to pay their respects. Noah was amazed to see so many people in such a tiny church, but he wasn’t surprised. Nikolaj had been kind to everyone. Always ready to lend a hand to whoever might need it. Always warm and supportive. Always present. A hero in all ways.

What was really stunning was the sunset that evening while they scattered Nikolaj’s ashes in the ocean. The sun shone over the horizon, painting the sky and water with an intense shade of orange blended with yellow, pink, and purple. It was like the universe was offering its own 21-gun salute in honor of the life that was ripped away from them too soon.

“You know,” Jesper started, “maybe this is insensitive to say, given the situation, but Nik was a lot more of a father to me than my own dad is.”

“Why’s that insensitive?” Kaj said without raising his head from the back of the couch. “Your dad is an asshole if he doesn’t accept who you truly are.”

“Who you truly are?” Val asked.

Everyone had gathered in the Larsens’ living room, including the band and some of Jesper’s closest friends. Everyone but Katja and Trine, who was trying to convince to eat something.

“Sorry,” Kaj said to his stepbrother, but he was so catatonic that he didn’t seem sorry at all.

“It’s alright, they know.” Jesper shrugged, motioning to his friends. “I’m bisexual, and my dad can’t know because he’d probably beat the shit out of me.”

“He is an asshole then, yes,” Theo agreed.

“Anyway, Nik was the fucking best,” he repeated. “Just wanted you to know that, bud,” he said, caressing his brother’s thigh, squeezing it gently before leaving his hand there. “I hate that he’s gone and that you’re hurting, but you were lucky to have him in your life. We all were.”

A stray tear rolled down Kaj’s cheek.

“You should go to bed. It’s been a long day. You need to rest.”

“I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep.”

“You gotta try.”

Kaj took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second. “Okay.” He groaned as he stood up.

“Are you guys staying?” Jesper directed at them.

“I think so...?” Val said, looking at the others.

Noah and Theo nodded. There was no way they were leaving when Kaj needed them the most.

Jesper smiled at them and got up. “Are you going to your parents’?” he asked Kurt.

“Yeah.”

“Can I spend the night there with you guys?”

“Sure. There’s plenty of room.”

“Wait, what?” Kaj frowned, the strain in his voice obvious. “Are you leaving? Now? It’s fucking late.”

“It’s just a forty-five-minute drive.”

“I’m wide awake. Don’t worry,” Kurt reassured him, shaking the empty Red Bull can in his hand.

“See? We’ll be fine. Besides, that way you can all sleep here, in actual beds and not on the couch or the air mattress. I’ll come again in the morning. I promise.”

“Fine. Whatever.”

“Sleep tight, baby brother.” Jesper hugged Kaj tightly, rubbing his back and burying his nose in his hair.

“You too.”

Once Jesper and his friends left, the four teens went upstairs. After spending another thirty awkward minutes in Kaj’s bedroom, pretending they were busy checking their socials but really just mindlessly scrolling, Val and Theo said good night and moved next door.

Under different circumstances, they all would have slept in the same room, probably fooled around until sunrise, like they always did. But Kaj was not in the mood for a pajama party. It was amazing that Jesper could read the atmosphere so easily and let them use his bedroom, which was usually off-limits to them. He didn’t like it when they touched his things with their greasy paws .

Noah and Kaj stripped down to their underwear, lying in bed as silence once again floated in the air, weighing them down like water in their lungs. It was one in the morning, and although the temperature was still warm, the nocturnal breeze made it easier for exhaustion to kick in.

Before he could turn around and hug Kaj, though, Trine knocked on the open door. “Hey, guys. Do you need anything?”

Noah waited for Kaj to answer, but he didn’t.

“No, thanks, Mom.”

“Well, then... I’m leaving. I managed to make Katja eat a little, and she’s fast asleep now. I’ll come back in the morning.”

Noah’s heart splintered.

He didn’t want Trine to spend the night alone after losing her best friend, one of the few people who had never judged her past or questioned her decisions. But he had to stay. Kaj needed him.

“Good night, Mom,” Noah said. “I love you.”

“I love you, honey. And you, too, Kaj.”

Silence.

“Good night, boys.”

She left, but Noah waited until he heard the door shut before rolling on his side and dragging himself closer to Kaj.

At first, Noah thought he was already asleep. It wouldn’t be that strange after the day he’d had. But as soon as he embraced him from behind, Kaj’s hands grabbed his forearms, and a gasping sob escaped his mouth. It was weak for a few seconds but slowly became uncontrollable weeping as he broke into a million tears.

For the last two weeks, Noah had tried to stay strong, to be a lifeline and not a burden. But finally putting a sound to Kaj’s grief, hearing the unspeakable love and desolation in it, was like shreds of glass slicing through his flesh.

Noah tightened his arms around Kaj’s clammy chest and tangled their legs, curling into a ball. As if that would keep him in one piece. As if that could take the pain away.

He held Kaj for as long as their bodies allowed them before exhaustion crept in, and together, they faded into a blissful limbo where nothing changed and nothing hurt.