If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Eleven

“Don’t you walk away from me,” Katja said, voice rising above normal. “I’m trying to help.”

“I don’t need your help,” Kaj retorted in the same volume.

“I get you’re hurting. I am too, but—”

“You know nothing.”

Noah froze with his finger hovering over the bell. He had never heard them talk to each other like this. So, he just stood there paralyzed. The weather was harsh today, windy and colder than the previous days, but he’d rather die here than face whatever was going on at the Larsens’.

It had been a little over a month since Nikolaj had passed away, and Kaj was trapped in a drifting boat that was constantly rocking in a sea of apathy and despair. Sometimes sad. Sometimes angry.

Steps stomped closer to the door, and words became clearer.

“You’re right. I have no idea what you’re going through—you won’t talk to me—but your grades speak for themselves!”

“They only show that I didn’t study.”

“Fine, be as stubborn as you want, but tell me why I shouldn’t ground you for skipping classes. The course has barely started—”

“Because you’re not my mother.”

“How dare you talk to me like that? I’m feeding you, taking care of you. I’m trying to love you the best I can, but you won’t let me.”

Kaj snorted. “Yeah, right.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Look, just because you’re going through a midlife crisis, doesn’t mean I have to deal with your bullshit.”

“Your father must be writhing in his grave right now.”

“Doubt it,” he said with appalling calmness. “He was cremated.”

“Kaj!” Katja screeched. “Don’t you dare leave the house until we’re done with this conversation.”

“I’m done with it.”

The door opened and slammed. Noah looked at him wide-eyed, afraid to say the wrong thing. Kaj had been quite snappy the past few weeks. Aside from the things Katja had mentioned, he’d also dropped the swim team and was late for rehearsal most days, even though they still met at his house. But this was a new level of fury.

“Hey…”

“Hey. Sorry about that.” He tipped his head to the side, pointing to the house while zipping his coat.

“I, hmm... It’s alright. Nothing to apologize for. Wanna talk about it?”

“No. She’s just being a cunt.”

Noah’s mouth twisted.

“She thinks because she signed a paper with my father, she gets a say about what I do with my life now that he’s gone,” he scoffed, kicking a small pebble on the ground.

“But... isn’t she, like, your legal guardian?”

“Not for long.”

“What do you mean?” Noah asked as they walked away.

“She thinks she can manipulate and control me, that I’m stupid or something, but she knows all she has is my father’s money. I’ll have access to my part, and she won’t have the power anymore when I turn eighteen.”

“I…” Noah bit the inside of his cheek, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets as the wind blew around them. He knew better than to pull the trigger, but he couldn’t help himself. “That’s a little too harsh.”

“You wouldn’t think so if you were living with her. She doesn’t really care about me, just how I make her look, and lately, the bottle of wine she always has in her hand.”

It was true Katja worried too much about her makeup, clothes, and making a good impression wherever she went. Even after Nik’s death, not missing a meeting with her girlfriends at a fancy café in Fredericia was still a priority of hers, along with being a good host when she had people over. To Noah’s understanding, none of that was necessarily bad. Plus, she’d always been kind to everyone. But what did he know? He wasn’t even aware of the immoderate drinking.

“Not so sure about that…”

“I am,” Kaj said curtly. He hadn’t looked at Noah since coming outside and still wouldn’t. It was as if he was trying to disconnect from the world. “Can we stop talking about her?”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “So... do you wanna go bowling?”

It was Saturday, and they were supposed to go on a date, but Noah wasn’t sure Kaj wanted to be with him right now. Though it might have been him who was afraid to spend the afternoon together only to end up arguing. That could definitely happen, given his mood.

“Not really.” He sighed, and his body relaxed a little. “Could we go straight to your house instead?”

“Whatever you prefer.” Noah offered a weak smile. He wanted to hold Kaj’s hand and squeeze it to let him know he had his back. But here, in their hometown, they still didn’t feel comfortable doing that in public. “Mom’s already gone to her first body paint workshop, so we have the entire house to ourselves until tomorrow.”

“Thanks.”

“For what?”

“For being here for me.”

“Always.”

That night, after making a mess in the kitchen preparing homemade pizza, they’d fooled around, exhausting each other until their dicks wouldn’t get hard anymore. Noah wasn’t going to complain since it had unlocked something he didn’t know existed inside him, but Kaj had been quite rough—more than ever. It felt like he was trying to fuck away his misery into Noah’s mouth, which turned him on as much as it worried him. But with a brain drunk on his boyfriend, he wasn’t in control of the things he said.

“Fuck. That was... amazing,” Noah breathed out, crawling onto the bed as the closing credits of The Return of The King extended version scrolled on his computer screen. His knees hurt from being down on the floor, but it was a nice sensation, alluring even. He was so damn weird.

“Yeah?” Kaj panted as he plopped down beside him, a satisfied grin painted on his face.

“Mm-hmm. Actually, I was thinking... what do you think about us trying, you know, to have sex, like real sex?”

“Like fucking each other in the ass?”

Noah laughed at his bluntness. “That’s what I mean.”

“You’re ready for that?” Kaj’s dark blond eyebrows furrowed.

“We’ve been together for nine months. I think I am, yeah.” Not wanting to sound too slutty too soon, Noah had never said it out loud, but judging by the way his hole clenched every time he had an orgasm, he wanted it. At least his body did. Besides, he’d read that it was pleasurable like nothing else, and that made him curious. “You... don’t want to?”

Kaj bit his bottom lip, dragging his sweaty self closer and resting a hand on Noah’s hip. “I’ve been thinking about it. Doing it to you, I mean. I’m not sure if it’s something I’m interested in?”

“You’re not?”

“It doesn’t appeal to me to have something up my ass, honestly.” He snorted. “Though I guess we could try it sometime just to see how it feels.”

“I’d love that, yes.” Noah grinned, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “I want you to be all my firsts.”

“Me too.”

“But I won’t be.” Noah lowered his gaze to Kaj’s chest and fidgeted with the silver necklace he’d gotten for his last birthday.

“Yes, you are.” Kaj rolled them over and laid on top of Noah, then between kisses, he said, “I may have been with two girls before, but you’re the first guy I’ve loved. You’re the first guy I jerked off that wasn’t myself. The first one I sucked. The first I will fuck, and the first I will let fuck me. You’re all my most significant firsts, Noah. But most importantly, from now on, you’ll be the only one.”

Noah’s smile was so big it hurt.

That night, they fell asleep naked in each other’s arms. It wasn’t until the sun was high in the sky that Noah squinted at the light bathing his bedroom with no mercy. Too bright for his liking.

He brushed a golden lock away from his boyfriend’s forehead. It had grown a lot during the past few months, to the point it actually showed waves on the top, where he always wore it longer. A smile flickered on his lips, but then he saw the frown between Kaj’s eyebrows. Even in his sleep, he was suffering.

The more he looked at Kaj, the more helplessness infected Noah’s brain. He seemed so restless, constantly in pain, when he was awake. Noah wished there was something he could do for him.

With his heart aching under the sunlight slipping through the window, he wrapped himself around Kaj, resting his head on his chest. The slow and steady pattern of his breathing was soothing. Noah wanted to be here alone with him forever, protect him from all harm and bask in the warmth of his skin until they had no heartbeats left in them.

The following weeks got slightly better, at least as far as Kaj’s temper was concerned.

Although he didn’t return to the swim team and they stopped rehearsing altogether, he didn’t push his friends away like he’d been doing before. He actually gathered the courage to sit and talk to them about everything he was feeling. The confusion. The fear. The emptiness. How he couldn’t play because it reminded him of his dad too much, and it hurt. But he also didn’t shut the door completely, and honestly, if a pause was what he needed, they were all there to support him. They were not blood-related, but they were family.

Jesper visited more frequently, too, becoming a buffer between his mom and stepbrother, since they didn’t seem to understand each other.

In the beginning, Noah thought Kaj was exaggerating because he was still sensitive, but when things escalated, he had to take a side, and of course, he’d chosen his.

He felt useless when it came to this issue, though. He’d tried calming his boyfriend down, but despite Kaj’s snide remarks, his stepmom was so civil and correct when people were around that Noah never found an excuse to stand up to her. She’d offer them food and drinks every time they hung out at the Larsens’ and never protested when the four of them spent the entire weekend locked in his bedroom talking shit.

From what he saw, she was trying her best to raise a teen who was struggling emotionally. Which was a hard task, or so Trine had said, indirectly implying he should mind his own business. Still, Noah didn’t like how Katja was dealing with it all, going so far as to threaten to kick Kaj out of his home. It made Noah’s blood boil.

“If you don’t wanna live by my rules, you might as well leave my house.”

“It’s my house, too, in case you forgot. You only live here because you married my dad.”

“I’m serious, Kaj. If you don’t start behaving, I’ll change the locks so you can’t get in until you realize that what you’re doing is not going to take you anywhere.”

“Stop lecturing me. You’re not the best example of a successful life.”

“Fine, keep doing whatever the hell you want. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

She never carried out her threats, but Noah hated that she felt she had any right to put Kaj through that kind of strain on top of everything else.

Adults sucked, especially parents. They wanted their kids to own their mistakes and take responsibility for their actions. To learn to apologize. But they never did the same. They never listened. Never took them seriously. And, of course, they wanted to control every aspect of their lives—where they went, who they were with, what hour they were coming back. It was annoying.

Good thing Jesper wasn’t like that. Instead of bugging them, since they weren’t allowed to go farther than Fredericia and didn’t want their parents around all the time, he drove the four boys everywhere. To Legoland, to concerts, and even took them to Djurs Sommerland during autumn break—one of the best theme parks in Denmark. He tried taking his brother outside as much as he could, even if it was just the two of them driving around, so Kaj could disconnect from the gloomy mood in the house.

He even snuck them into a shady metal nightclub in Odense once. They all ended up quite drunk—or stoned—Noah wasn’t sure after drinking and smoking pot all night. The room at Kurt’s parents’ house, while they were on a trip, spun around the moment they laid in bed and closed their eyes. It had made Noah’s stomach twist. The vomit taste in his mouth and the hangover the next day weren’t any better. But it had been so much fun, he didn’t regret a second of it.

Toward the beginning of November, though, this rebellious phase flew away as fast as it’d come when Nikolaj’s absence hit Kaj the hardest. The apparent happiness he’d been experiencing was just a mirage, a high before he reached the lowest low on his dad’s forty-third birthday.

“Hey.” Jesper tipped his head when he saw Noah coming into the kitchen. “How’s he doing?”

The couple had been snuggled up in bed the entire afternoon, doing nothing but watching Naruto for the gazillionth time. Noah didn’t mind spooning Kaj’s strong body. He loved those calmer moments with him, nuzzling the back of his neck, breathing Kaj in as he relaxed in his embrace. But seeing the cheerful boy he’d once been drowning in this terrible sea of sorrow that didn’t seem to have a bottom flipped his world upside down.

It was probably odd, but he felt excluded. Hated that he couldn’t get into his head and hear exactly what he was thinking. That he couldn’t dissect his heart and touch his suffering with his own fingertips. It broke him not being able to share this part of Kaj.

“Same as yesterday.” He lifted a shoulder. “I’m worried. He’s been like this for three weeks.”

“He needs time.”

“I know, but I hate it.”

“Understandable. Not a fan of it either…” Jesper left the sandwich he was eating on his plate. “I was thinking of bringing him with me for Christmas break.”

“To Copenhagen?”

“Where else?”

Noah frowned, biting the inside of his cheek. He knew it could do Kaj some good, but he didn’t want to be away from him for so long.

“You’re not coming over this year? Not even for Christmas?”

Jesper grimaced. “Mom will probably give me shit about it, but I don’t feel like celebrating and pretending we’re a happy family.”

“I get it…” Noah rested his chin on his palm and looked outside.

The sidewalk was clear, but the curb and part of the road were covered in snow. It wasn’t late, yet the sky was already painted a beautiful dark navy color. Most people were home now from work and school, so everything was quiet. Noah wished he could plant this kind of peace in Kaj’s mind.

Just then, the best idea occurred to him.

“Do you think, maybe, we all could come?” That way they would be together and could do some sort of friends’ trip.

“Huh?” Jesper asked around a bite of his sandwich.

“The guys and I also want to spend some time with Kaj. With classes, exams, and all that, we haven’t had that much time to hang out these past couple of weeks. So, if you’re not sick of being around teenagers, maybe we could come with you for a few days, too?”

It was subtle, but Jesper’s expression twisted again, and a flash of something Noah couldn’t decipher crossed his eyes. It switched on a red light in Noah’s mind, but he shrugged it off. Maybe Jesper wanted to be alone with his baby brother, and he was overstepping. He didn’t see him as much as they did.

To his surprise, Jesper said, “Both my roommates are going to be out of town with their families. So, I guess it would be okay.”

“Awesome! It’ll probably be after Christmas Eve, though. No way Mom will let me escape that night. She’s invited Katja and Kaj over. Said you should come, too. But I’ll ask her and the guys.”

“Cool.” He offered him a tight-lipped smile. “And, Noah?”

“Hm?”

“Kaj has a solid family and friends who love him. He’ll be alright.”

“Hope so.”

But that was all it was—hope. Like a feather in the wind, it swirled farther from their reach. This road, full of cracks and turns, was just the start of Kaj’s descent into the abyss.