If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Twelve

The holidays flew past them in the blink of an eye.

Christmas Eve had been surprisingly nice. Noah didn’t think it would be bad, but awkward? Yup.

Katja was a blonde with manicured nails who wore expensive clothes and liked to read historical romance books, whereas Trine was a brunette with sleeve tattoos covering both her arms, passionate about music and true crime shows. Although they both had loved Nik in different ways, they were so different that he had no idea what they were going to talk about. But he guessed, sometimes, opposites complement each other.

Though he hadn’t really been mentally present enough to pay attention since he spent most of those festive days worried sick.

Kaj had been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. The pills he’d gotten prescribed seemed to be helping some, as he didn’t have extreme mood swings anymore. But that didn’t cast away the dreadful sensation taking over Noah. It wasn’t only because right after they’d started trying to have sex—it never happened more than a finger or two because he was so nervous he couldn’t relax—that everything had stopped altogether. It was also because Kaj looked like he had lost all joy, moving through the days like a dead man walking. Like he didn’t care whether he was alive or not.

Noah didn’t know what to make of the contradictory emotions swirling inside him. He felt sad for Kaj, but selfish and like the worst boyfriend on Earth at the same time. Kaj was stuck in limbo where no emotions reached him. No one could blame him. Not even Noah. He didn’t know what he would do if he lost Trine the way Kaj had lost his dad. Didn’t even want to think about it. The way Nik left had been traumatic enough—he was still hurting, too. But he couldn’t deny the fact that this situation was frustrating.

There were no words or displays of affection that would fix Kaj, and some days, Noah was too tired of the sadness surrounding them to try to pull any reactions from him. The only glimpse he’d got at Kaj getting better before everything went to shit happened during the week they’d spent with Jesper in Copenhagen.

Noah and Val had to come back on the morning of the 31st because their parents refused to ring in the new year without their kids, and Theo couldn’t even go because his holidays were divided between his mom and dad, but it’d still been great. From lazing around and doing nothing but watching YouTube, to diving into the metal scene in the city and sightseeing, they did everything they wanted.

The images of those days sliding through his mind came to an abrupt halt as Noah yanked on his own hair.

“Fucking fuck…” He fought with the knots, like every damn time, even after applying conditioner in the shower. He loved this length that almost reached his waist, but some days it was a pain in the ass.

Once he was done untangling the mess on his head, he lathered his body. A shiver ran up his spine, shaking each one of his cells when he cupped his balls and stroked his dick to wash himself thoroughly.

It had been too long.

Tossing his head back, Noah moved his hand up and down his shaft as images of Kaj invaded his mind. He missed his touch. His gorgeous blue eyes. His lips. His warmth. His hands all over him. His voice whispering the dirty things he wanted to do. That beautiful cock ravaging his mouth.

The last few days had been utterly lonely at home without Kaj. He missed him so much it was becoming physically uncomfortable. Luckily, he was coming back today.

With that thought in mind, Noah shuddered through the most pitiable of orgasms. Fleeting and shallow, his balls barely thumped as his dick went limp halfway through it.

“Shit…”

This had been the first time he’d even attempted jerking himself in weeks. His body needed it, but his mind didn’t want to cooperate.

As the water cascaded down his back, washing away the disappointment, Noah took a deep breath. He closed the tap and stepped out onto the bathmat. Dragging it with his feet, he looked at himself in the mirror and sighed. As he started combing his hair, his phone vibrated on the shelf beside the sink, the name flashing on the screen making his heart skip a few beats.

Hey

I’m sorry to be texting just now

But I’m not so well

What’s wrong?

I think I’ve got the flu or something

Don’t think I can go out

Oh, shit, baby…

We can stay in, I don’t mind

I’ll take care of you instead

All I wanna do is sleep, honestly

Feel like shit

Tomorrow then?

Not sure if I’ll be any better tomorrow

Okay

Sorry

It’s alright

But it wasn’t.

School started again, and although Noah had tried to reach Kaj during the weekend, he hadn’t heard back from him. However, the moment their gazes met in the hallway, he smiled at him.

To say Noah was confused—mad, too—was an understatement. But this was the boy of his dreams, the love of his life, so all the conflicting emotions twisting his insides vanished in the blink of an eye. Nothing mattered when he was standing in front of him. The fog clouding his mind lifted and the sun finally touched his heart.

“Hey…” He blushed, as if it was their first date. “How are you feeling?”

“Sorry I didn’t call these last few days. I was sleeping through a fever. But I’m better.” Kaj pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

Funny how just twenty minutes away from home, they were free to be themselves without judgment or fear of the consequences. Thank god they wouldn’t have to hide anymore once they graduated in two years. They had plans to move together with the guys to Copenhagen to work, go to H?jskole —folk schools that offer students the chance to explore what they were truly interested in—and travel as much as they could for a year before going to college.

“You sure? Maybe you should rest a few more days.” Noah’s gaze shifted between his beautiful blues.

He looked skinnier. The dark circles under his eyes, the dull glow in his irises, and the weak smile trying to hide the underlying depression added to his sickly appearance.

“I just wanted to see you.” He intertwined their fingers. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a shitty boyfriend these past few weeks.”

“It’s alright—”

“No, it isn’t. You’ve been there for me and all I’ve done is shut you out.”

“It’s normal, with everything you’re going through…”

“No, it’s not. I love you, Noah. More than anything. I fucking want and miss you so bad. I…” Kaj looked to the sides, as if he were looking for someone in particular in the throng of teens flooding the high school at this hour. “Come with me.”

“Where?”

“Just follow me.”

Kaj pulled him, rounding the corner that led to the right wing of the building, and entered the bathroom. Kicking the door shut, he shoved Noah into a stall. It was cramped, and they stumbled when the side of his knee bumped against the toilet. Kaj didn’t seem to care, though. He looked desperate, dropping his backpack and unzipping their coats as he kissed Noah like he hadn’t done in months. Teeth. Tongues. Bites. He pressed him against the wall and continued with his belt and jeans.

“W-what are you doing?” Noah panted, sight blurry as his dick throbbed.

“What does it look like to you?” Kaj rasped, kneeling before him as he took him out of his boxers.

“We can’t do this here—oh fuck!” he moaned the moment his boyfriend sucked him deep into his throat.

“We. Can,” he said, slurping sounds between his words. “But you’re gonna have... to keep it low. Can you do that... for me?”

He nodded, slapping a palm over his mouth as Kaj attacked his cock again.

It was fast and fucking furious, almost violent. And although he should have known better and realized something was wrong with Kaj and this sudden, risky behavior after months of being a shadow of himself, his mind and every nerve in his body burned with lust. There was nothing else he could think about.

Noah weaved his fingers through Kaj’s golden locks and began to thrust, getting sloppy when ecstasy inundated his entire system, blocking all exits and trapping him inside his own greed.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…” he gritted through his teeth, trying to keep his voice as low as humanly possible in this moment.

His toes curled in his boots, his back arched, and he exploded embarrassingly quickly, coming so much and so hard into his boyfriend’s mouth that he almost fainted. There was a dash of pain mixed with the pleasure that made him feel like he needed more. But he knew he wouldn’t have survived another blow job like that. His knees were wobbling with the aftershocks while Kaj hummed happily.

Once he was done licking him clean, Noah let himself slide to the floor, dizzy. He sat down, Kaj still kneeling between his legs, and sighed.

“Fuck, baby…”

Kaj smirked. “I know.” He kissed him again, sharing his own taste with Noah.

“I missed you…” He cupped his face, caressing his cheekbones with his thumbs.

“I missed you, too.”

The weeks following that day were unhinged. Kaj would drop to his knees anywhere, anytime—in the dressing room after EP, in their bedrooms, in the bathroom where Noah took singing lessons, at the cliff viewpoint outside of town. It didn’t matter if they made Val and Theo wait for them. He even snuck out at night and climbed through Noah’s window, often waking him up with a finger in his ass.

Some would call it assault because he hadn’t explicitly given him permission to do it, but it was exhilarating to be desired like that. If Noah had to complain about one thing, it would be the fact that Kaj didn’t let him reciprocate most days. And when he did, it was pinning him on the bed and shoving his cock down his throat. Yet, he wouldn’t allow him to caress his stomach or his thighs, or grope his perfectly round asscheeks. Nothing.

Not that he minded that much. Noah was slowly discovering he liked to be used, as deviant as that made him. But he also loved relishing the delicious shivers that took over Kaj when he came.

This new dynamic was a little strange, but then again, it was Kaj. Noah didn’t question anything about his existence or behavior. He would take everything he offered. Was hopelessly in love with him, dazzled by the symmetrical silver dots in his irises, his smile, and the freckles on his back that looked like a constellation. Besides, if this was what he needed to get better, so be it. There were worse things he could have done to seek relief, like drinking or doing drugs.

One Thursday afternoon, during their brief winter holidays in February, they were at the Larsen’s, naked under the duvet as they came down from one more high. They’d been there all day. Never getting bored. Never running out of stamina. They were panting as the sky turned dark and the streetlamps lit up, alone in the house because Katja had gone away on a Valentine’s cruise or some shit like that with her friends. Either she didn’t care about Kaj or was fighting depression in her own way, because it wasn’t normal how emotionally unavailable she was. Noah would swear he’d caught her glaring at her stepson a couple of times. But he was probably imagining things.

“I’m hungry,” Noah murmured, making Kaj chuckle.

“Didn’t have enough dick yet?”

Noah slapped his chest before getting up to put on his boxers and the comfy clothes he wore around the house. “Shut up.”

“Wanna order something?” Kaj asked as he stepped into his sweats and threw a long-sleeved tee over his head.

“Nah. I bet we can find something to make a sandwich.”

“Okay. Sure.”

They were getting the bread and all the ingredients out of the fridge when the entrance door lock clicked. Cold wind blew inside and Jesper walked in. He looked at them, something flickering in his gaze as his jaw clenched, and the side of his mouth tugged up in... disgust?

“Hey—”

“What are you doing here?” Kaj spat, cutting Noah off as his entire body stiffened. “Katja’s not home.”

“I know,” he said, dropping his bag on the floor to take off his coat. “She told me about her trip.”

“And she didn’t tell you anything else?”

“She mentioned a fight you had, but that’s all. Is there something else I should know?”

“Never mind.”

“Anyway, I just wanted to see how my baby brother’s doing,” Jesper said as he approached. “You were kinda sick when I brought you back home after Christmas holidays, and I hated that I couldn’t stay to personally check on you. Exams and all that crap.”

“I’m fine. We’re perfect, as you can see.” Kaj motioned with a hand between Noah and himself.

“Good to know. Can I have a sandwich too? I’m starving.”

“Make it yourself.” Kaj threw the bread bag in his direction, then the knife.

“You’re not going to do it for me?” He pouted.

“Really?”

“What?” Jesper raised a challenging brow, his expression turning somewhat dark.

“Go to hell, big brother .”

Noah’s head was on a swivel, not understanding shit about what was going on. Jesper and Kaj, aside from normal brotherly quarrels, had always gotten along. Despite their six-year gap, they could even be considered friends. Where was this hostility coming from? Why was Kaj so upset? And what about?

Jesper scoffed. “Is your underwear so tight that blood isn’t getting to your brain or what?”

Suddenly, Kaj turned pale. He swallowed a mouthful of saliva, though it looked like it was made of pins and spikes, judging by how he had to force the lump down his throat. Then, without adding another word, he stormed out of the kitchen, leaving his sandwich half-made on the counter.

Noah blinked, stupefied, before running up the stairs behind him.

“What happened…” he trailed off when he saw Kaj sitting on the bed, elbows resting on his knees and fists tightly clasped in his hair, motionless. Except for one restless, bouncing leg. “...down there?” he finished, putting a palm on Kaj’s shoulder as he crouched down in front of him.

He startled at the contact, then relaxed when his eyes locked on Noah’s. “I-I can’t be around him.”

“What? Why? What did he do?” He frowned, and his heart hit his ribs.

Kaj shook his head, eyes crowding with tears as he frowned. “Nothing. He did nothing to me, okay?” he snapped. “I just—I can’t.”

“Kaj, tell me. Maybe I can—”

“No, you can’t help,” Kaj cut him off. “No one can. H-he... Both him and Katja are the worst. Egoistical, entitled liars. They only care about themselves. I need to get out of this house. Fill out the emancipation papers as soon as possible,” he gritted, stumbling over his words as he clenched his fists. “Can we please go to your house for the weekend?” His eyes brimmed with tears.

Noah squeezed Kaj’s arm, the fingers of his free hand lacing through his hair as he brought their foreheads together. “Whatever you need.”