If I Were To Die (Artificial Suicide #1)

Thirteen

After packing enough things for a couple of days, they walked out of the house and cycled back to Noah’s.

Wordlessly, without putting on a movie or anything, they went to bed. Even Trine looked puzzled by their weird behavior. And here they were now, lying together in the dark.

They stayed awake until the early morning, not touching, not even talking about their dream apartment in Copenhagen or the trips they wanted to take. It was just silence. Dire and heavy silence.

“If I were to die, would you miss me?” Kaj asked, his voice hoarse and strained, as if he were making the greatest effort to avoid crying.

Noah frowned. He could only see Kaj’s profile, silhouetted by the light coming from the street, but it was enough for him to realize it wasn’t a hypothetical question. “What are you talking about? I miss you every time we’re not together. Don’t even joke about that.”

“But... would you move on and be happy with someone else if I weren’t here?”

Scooting closer to him, Noah touched his forehead to Kaj’s temple, afraid to do anything else since he seemed stranded in some sort of catatonia. “If you died, I’d die with you.”

That night, Kaj slept with his back to the wall instead of letting Noah spoon him. He recoiled from any physical contact, trembling until well into the morning, when exhaustion finally overtook him.

The next day, he was spaced out and jumpy. Noah tried talking to him, getting nothing but “Jesper is an asshole” and other curt answers in response. It was obvious he didn’t want to talk about whatever they had fought about. So, seeing that pushing it would get them nowhere, except maybe to a breaking point, Noah dropped the issue.

They spent the weekend watching the Alien franchise, only going back and forth between the bed and the kitchen. But Noah was pretty sure Kaj wasn’t paying attention to the movies. His gaze was empty, almost as if he weren’t there. From what Trine had told him, based on her experience and what the therapist had told Katja about Kaj’s situation, this could happen. Depression worked in waves, and the discussion with his stepbrother must have triggered something they couldn’t comprehend.

She still asked questions, though, and this time it wasn’t her nosy nature trying to dig up information. She was truly concerned about Kaj—the permanent crease between her eyebrows ratted her out. But Noah didn’t have much to tell her, so they were stuck at square one until she decided to go to the Larsens’ to talk to Jesper on Sunday afternoon.

He told her they had argued because, against Jesper’s advice, Kaj got super wasted on New Year’s Eve and didn’t like it when he called him out for not taking responsibility for his actions.

On Monday, Trine got reprimanded, Katja’s tone and threats loud enough for all the neighbors to hear.

“Where’s my son? Kaj!” Katja’s high-pitched voice called, wild eyes scanning the open-plan space. “Why’re you still here? You should be home by now.” Her brows knitted together when she saw him sitting on the couch with Noah.

“I-I—”

“You, nothing. Get your things and let’s go.”

“Why don’t you come in and we can talk about it?” Trine offered, stepping to the side to let her in and, at the same time, standing between Katja and her stepson.

“I have nothing to talk to you about.” She pointed an accusatory finger in her face. “You need to stop meddling with my family! First my husband, and now my kids? Are you out of your mind?”

“Your husband?” Trine asked, confused.

“Yes. You act like a strong, independent woman, but you wouldn’t stop calling him to help you with this or that. And now you treat Kaj like he’s yours and come to my house to accuse Jesper of what?”

Trine didn’t take the bait, keeping her cool the best she could, considering.

“I just thought that since you’re their mom, and we know teenagers don’t talk to their parents, they might talk to me and I could—”

“Stop it! Just stop it, and leave us the fuck alone.”

“I just want to help. I know how hard it is to be a single mom.”

“I’m nothing like you.”

The venom with which she spat those words seemed to strike a nerve. Trine’s stance and energy shifted from welcoming to you-don’t-wanna-fuck-with-me. Noah almost screamed at Kaj to hit the deck. Seriously, she was the kindest and most understanding human, but you didn’t want to make her mad.

“Look, Katja,” Trine started in the calmest voice she could manage, though it still made her son shiver. He had heard her entire range, and that tone was always the prelude to things she didn’t say in the name of civism. “If you ever wanna talk like adults and without alcohol involved,” she emphasized that last part, “my door is open. But I’m not gonna allow you to come here, to my house, and yell at me like I cursed all your fucking ancestors.”

“Like I said before, I have nothing to talk to you about. If you keep messing with my family, talking to my underage kid when I’m not around and bringing him to your house without me knowing—”

“I texted you.”

Katja raised a finger, signaling for her to stop talking. “Don’t. Next time, I’m calling the police and suing you.”

“For what?”

“Kidnapping.” A wicked spark glowed in her irises. “Or grooming.”

Noah had no idea what that meant, but it had to be bad because Trine went rigid and Katja flashed a triumphant smile that only the devil could match.

“Let’s go, Kaj.”

Later, Trine explained to Noah that, as much as she wanted to help Kaj, she couldn’t push it further or Katja would end up reporting her. Those were severe accusations that might flip their lives upside down, and she couldn’t afford a lawyer who would clean up the mess if they got to that point. Katja was his legal guardian, and unless things got really out of hand and Trine had evidence to call child protection, there was nothing else they could do.

The worst part? She looked more worried than Noah had ever seen her.

Despite everything, Trine continued looking out for Kaj. Told him he could call her whenever; was pretty insistent about it.

But the damage was already done, and after that, things got even weirder.

Katja cut ties completely with Trine. She never called again, not to apologize for acting like a bitch or ask for favors. Kaj became more withdrawn. He would cancel plans with Noah and the guys. He didn’t want to fool around, didn’t want to be touched or hugged or anything. And, on top of it all, he was acting strangely suspicious. Sometimes, he would receive a text and get all tense, proceeding to delete and pocket his phone right away, telling Noah things like “wrong number,” “spam,” “mind your own business,” or “just a girl that didn’t get the memo that I have a boyfriend.”

That was when paranoia entered the game.

Kaj had never hidden anything from him because, like the stupid teenagers they were, when some rando tried to flirt with him, Kaj would let Noah use his device to toy with them. But there was no joking around anymore.

“Do you think... he might want to break up with me?” Noah asked the guys.

The three of them were in his bedroom, lying on the floor side by side with their feet up on his bed. It was spring break, and they were all supposed to spend time together like they always had, but Kaj had texted the group chat saying he wasn’t in the mood.

“Nah, dude,” Theo said. “He’s so fucking smitten with you it’s disgusting. He’s probably just... I don’t know.”

“That doesn’t exactly make me feel better.”

“Don’t overthink it too much,” Val said. “He just had a rough year. That’s all.”

“But it’s been a year...” Noah felt horrible for saying this out loud, but he couldn’t bite his tongue any longer.

“You can’t put a timeline on how long it takes someone to heal.”

“I know, I know.” But that didn’t change the fact that Noah felt like he didn’t have a boyfriend the past few months. It was as if Kaj didn’t love him anymore and was slowly pulling away from him, expecting him to be the one to end things between them. “This sucks.”

“That’s why I don’t do relationships,” Theo quipped.

“That, and because they can’t stand you,” Val said.

“Fuck you.” He flipped him off. “But also, Noah, at this point, what does it matter? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love him too, but if he doesn’t want to be with us or you, that’s his loss.”

“That’s not funny,” Noah bit back. “And, also , it’s different.”

For Noah, friends weren’t interchangeable. They all were unique in their own particular way, but there was only one Kaj. Only one person he wanted to give his heart, body, and soul to.

“I’m not joking. He’s been one of my best friends since I can remember, but if he doesn’t want to be anymore, I’m not gonna sit here and cry about it or beg him. He can go fuck himself.”

“Dude!” Val called him out.

“I...” Noah frowned as his heart twisted in his chest. The thought alone hurt. Continue his life without Kaj in it? How? He’d rather die. “Do you wanna watch the last Artificial Suicide live?” he asked to change the topic.

All these concerns, doubts, and fears had been flooding his mind for the past few weeks when he was alone. He didn’t need to torture himself with it when he was with his friends. They were the only solid rocks in his life right now. “I watched a bit last night and it’s brutal.”

“Oh, yeah! I had totally forgotten about it,” Theo said, sitting up.

“How could you? Heathen!” Val laughed.

April was nearing its end and spring break was almost over, but Noah had barely seen Kaj. So, he decided to surprise him with the “Fortress” vinyl edition of Alter Bridge, one of the few contemporary bands Nikolaj had ever approved of. Maybe that would make him think of the good times and smile.

The wind was crisp, and the temperature rarely got above fifteen degrees Celsius, but the sun was already shining bright. The breeze whistled as he rode his bike toward Kaj’s house. Noah’s pulse thumped in his veins and a nervous chill made his skin erupt with goosebumps.

He was so young, so full of life and dreams. And so fucking na?ve, believing that the power of love and what they had was so strong and special that, together , they would survive anything.

But that day, Noah received a reality check.

That day , he got one of the deepest cuts he’d ever carried. A fatal wound that would get infected all over again years later after reliving the nightmare he witnessed.

Noah knocked on the door and waited. He tried again, ringing the bell when no one answered. Nothing happened. It was weird because Kaj’s bike was leaning against the wall beside the entrance door and Jesper’s car was parked outside as well, which could only mean Katja’s was inside the garage. Maybe they were watching a movie or something and didn’t hear.

Walking around the corner, Noah peeked through the kitchen window. The ground floor of the house was open, but he couldn’t see anything there or in the living room. No movement. No lights. No sounds.

Minutes ticked by. He had no idea where they could be or how long it would take them to come back if they were out, and Kaj wasn’t answering his texts. So, hoping to surprise him, he went to the backyard. The porch’s latticework would allow him to climb up to Kaj’s bedroom—that was how they’d snuck out several times in the past.

He didn’t expect to see anyone, so his brain couldn’t process the image burning his retinas right away. But his heart did, shattering into a million pieces under a vibrant blue sky.

Given the angle, he shouldn’t have seen Kaj first, but Noah had memorized every inch of his skin. From the beautiful curve of his ass to his strong thighs and back, he knew his body like he’d sculpted him with his bare hands.

Kaj was kneeling on his bed with his chest pressed to the mattress and his face looking away from the window, a powerful grip holding him down by the back of his neck.

That’s when Noah saw him— Jesper .

He was sweating. Low ponytail, frizzy and wet, stuck to his spine. Face red. Arms tense and pumped as he pounded Kaj from behind. Over and over again.

Jealousy and disgust jammed Noah’s throat with a dire need to throw up. His stomach and every one of his organs stirred in discomfort. He was shaking as his eyes remained fixated on the most gruesome scene he’d ever witnessed in real life.

Muffled sounds vibrated against the glass, fogging it slightly when Jesper’s almost inaudible but loud enough voice sent Noah spiraling.

“I missed this. So fucking tight.” His left hand latched onto Kaj’s hip, knuckles turning white. “You love it, too, don’t you, baby brother?”

Noah’s heart skidded, sinking deep into the void. A black hole where his hopes and dreams were thrown to die.

Stranded.

Rotten.

He staggered backward, stumbling on the porch’s roof. Nausea crept up his chest and slithered through the cracks of the love he felt for Kaj. He lost balance halfway down the latticework, falling on his ass, but he barely registered it as he crawled toward his bike, knees and palms scraping. He needed to get out of there.

With no memory of how he’d gotten home, he walked past Trine, ignoring her when she asked what he wanted for dinner. His mind was a tangled mess of noise and pain. The images flooding his mind felt like razor blades slicing through each one of the promises they’d ever made, piercing through his ears as his lungs ran out of air. I would never cheat on you . You’re the best. I don’t want anyone else. Always and forever . He couldn’t breathe or see, and he wished he didn’t have to feel.

“Noah…” Trine called, appearing at his door. “What happened—”

He didn’t answer, simply got up and shut the door in her face. He didn’t want to talk to her.

“Honey…”

“Leave me alone!” Noah sat on the floor, bending his knees and squeezing himself between his nightstand and desk.

Looking at the ceiling, wailing sobs escaped his lips and tears rolled down his cheeks, meeting on his chin before they fell onto the back of his hands. In a lame attempt at stopping the thoughts assaulting him from poisoning his blood, too, Noah squeezed his eyes shut and pulled on the extra hair band he always wore on his wrist, letting it snap against his arm. He did it again and again, until the burn on his skin matched the one in his chest.

He had no idea how long he’d been there when the light in the room dimmed and the streetlamps lit. By then, he was so numb he couldn’t even move. His entire body hurt, but no more than his heart.

How could Kaj have done something like that to him?

How could he betray him?

Later in the night, Noah tucked himself in bed, trembling and still letting out small gasps. He hadn’t eaten, but he wasn’t hungry. Wasn’t even sure how he was still functioning when his entire existence had been ruthlessly torn to shreds.

For the next two days—the longest and most painful of his life—Noah stayed locked in his bedroom, going out only to go to the bathroom and grab some water. He hated the way Trine looked at him every time he walked into the kitchen, even more when she tried to get him to talk. He had nothing to say. His brain was still refusing to believe what he’d seen. But there was no denying it. Not when the realization that Kaj didn’t love him anymore pulsed in every air particle. Or maybe he still did, but he clearly wanted someone more... experienced. Clearly , Noah wasn’t enough.

It wasn’t until school started on Monday that they met again. They hadn’t called or texted for the past couple of days. It felt like déjà vu. However, it had an eerie undertone, like it was happening in a parallel universe. And, this time, Noah couldn’t return the smile.

“Hey…” Kaj greeted. He leaned forward to kiss him, but Noah moved away.

“Hey.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, you?” Noah narrowed his eyes at him.

“Good, I guess.” He quirked a brow.

He looked so normal, not like someone who had cheated. No shame. No guilt. No trace of any other emotion at all. How could he—

Suddenly, it hit him, making him feel like throwing up all over again, and apparently, his body was in for it.

“Sorry.”

Noah ran into the bathroom, kicking the stall door open. Bending over the toilet, his retches and gags resonated in the space as his stomach contracted violently. He didn’t care that it’d been Jesper; they weren’t blood-related and hadn’t grown up together. But maybe this wasn’t the first time Kaj had cheated. Maybe he’d been doing it for weeks, or months. Maybe Jesper wasn’t even the first.

“I didn’t know you were sick.” Kaj caressed his hair, pulling it into a ponytail to hold it back for him.

Noah burst into tears.

He actually ugly fucking cried in front of his boyfriend, with his backpack toppling over the back of his head and his face in the toilet. Noah knew he wouldn’t be able to look at Kaj again without mentally traveling to the moment he’d plunged a sword through his heart. To touch him. To kiss him. To say that he loved him and act on it.

The idea that Kaj enjoyed being with someone else more than with him was nauseating. But breaking up? He simply couldn’t do it. Kaj was everything. Life was meaningless without him.

“Hey, hey... it’s alright, Noah.”

A hiccup pounced so hard inside of him it might as well have pulled his heart out of his mouth.

Scrubbing his eyes, Noah sat on the floor, face still scrunching in pain as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. God, this pressure in his chest, like his lungs were ruptured, was excruciating.

“I don’t know if I can keep doing this…” His voice was barely a whisper.

“What do you mean?” Kaj sat beside him.

“Us.”

“What?” Panic was loud in his voice. “What are you talking about?”

“I…” Noah bit his bottom lip as his chin trembled. “Do you love me?”

“Of course I do, baby.” Kaj grabbed his hands and squeezed. “I don’t know what’s going on. Please talk to me.”

“You’ve been distant.”

“I know. I’m trying to figure out some shit. But I’ll do better, I promise.”

Another tear slid down Noah’s face. “I called you the other day, but you didn’t pick up or call me back.”

“When?”

“Saturday.”

“I-I didn’t see anything.”

Noah wasn’t looking at him, but he felt Kaj stiffen. An action that spoke more eloquently than a million tongues. An action that only cemented his betrayal, turning it into a reality.

Had Kaj even thought about the consequences before letting that man touch him? Did he even feel sorry for lying to Noah after he’d given him everything? He didn’t want to know the answer. All he wanted—no, all he needed— to hear was that he was going crazy and what he thought he’d seen had never happened. That it was all in his head. That Kaj loved him and only him .

Noah just needed a silver lining. A life jacket that kept him afloat through the storm.

Dragging his back along the stall’s wall, he stood up on wobbly legs and bent forward, placing his hands on his knees. He was so dizzy. “I went to your house to see how you were doing the other day, but since you wouldn’t answer your phone or the door... I climbed to your room.”

Kaj jumped to his feet, stepping back. “Why the fuck did you do that?”

“Seriously?” Noah countered. He hadn’t known what to expect from Kaj, but him getting all defensive wasn’t it. “That’s all you have to say? Why the fuck did I do it? ” He pushed past Kaj to walk out of the stall that felt smaller than it actually was. “As if we’ve never snuck up to each other’s rooms before.”

“That’s not the point.” Kaj grabbed him by the arm, fingers digging into the little muscle he had. “You shouldn’t have come without telling me.”

“You want me to apologize for showing up unannounced? For missing you after barely seeing you during spring break? Or for catching you fucking your brother?” Noah shook himself free.

Kaj’s face twisted for a fraction of a second with something that resembled fear, but it soon morphed into sheer rage. “Fuck you, Noah! Fuck you!” He shoved his chest, making him stumble and hit his back against the wall.

“No, fuck you ! Fuck you for making me miss you and making me feel stupid for it,” Noah yelled as Kaj gripped the front of his T-shirt. “I tried talking to you!” he hissed, grabbing Kaj’s wrists and lowering his tone to a scratchy whisper when another guy entered the bathroom and stood in front of one of the urinals. “I texted, but you didn’t answer, and now I know why. I saw you. I fucking saw you…”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” Kaj gritted.

Neither of them moved or said anything else for the next few seconds. Their gazes were locked as they breathed heavily, drowning them in the fractured illusion of what they could have been and would never be after this.

Noah’s eyes were glassy with resentment and tears, but he still glimpsed the little tic in Kaj’s eyebrow that gave him away. He looked like he was about to break, on the verge of something Noah couldn’t even imagine.

He faltered for a moment, but as the bathroom door shut and they were left alone again, all the images from two days ago coiled in his mind.

“Why did you do it?” Noah’s voice cracked.

“Shut the fuck up.” Kaj seethed, pressing him harder against the wall and covering his mouth with a hand. “You know nothing!”

“You lied to me!” Noah scratched his forearm when he removed the palm trying to silence him. “You cheated. You let someone else touch you after promising you’d never hurt me like that!”

“I didn’t!” Kaj cried out, panic and anger blending in his irises.

Although Noah was dying to hear that, Kaj’s aggressive response didn’t leave much of a doubt anymore, and him lying to his face like this pissed him off. It was as if a fortress with barbed wire on top suddenly rose from the ground to surround and protect him. Nothing could get in and nothing could get out.

He pushed himself away from the wall and from Kaj. “I might be stupid for believing someone like you could love someone like me, but I’m not blind, you know?”

“Someone like you? What do you mean?”

“An outcast. A lowlife. Call it what you like.”

“You’re none of that.”

“I don’t care!” Noah walked over to the sinks to rinse his mouth and splash some water on his face, looking at Kaj through their reflection. “The thing is... you cheated. I don’t understand why you say you love me, or why you wanted me to believe we were forever.” He frowned at the pang in his chest. “It’s obvious you don’t.”

“Don’t say that! I do want us to be forever, but you need to stop with all your insecurities.”

“Are you blaming it on me now?” Noah glared at him as his guts twisted. “I thought you had my back. I thought I could trust you with everything ! If you needed more from me, if I did or said something that bothered you, you could have said so, you know? We could have tried working it out. Or you could have broken up with me.”

Kaj looked so remorseful and sad. “That’s not what I meant. What I wanted to—”

“What you’ve done, slowly pulling away, being rude one day and nice the next…” Noah shook his head. “It’s like you expected me to get the memo and do it myself.”

“Noah, please, listen to me!”

“Do you love him?”

“What? No! You’re the only one I want.” Desperation laced Kaj’s tone as he crowded Noah, hugging him from behind. “I love you . Only you. I’m just... I’m struggling, okay? And I don’t know how to get out of this, but I’ll do better. I just need some more time.”

“I don’t know if I can...” Noah’s heart was thrashing, bruising itself against his ribs. He didn’t want to lose him. Didn’t want to spend a day on this planet without him. Just the simple thought was jarring. But he was losing the battle against all the fears waiting for him at the end of those empty promises. “You fucked him!” He couldn’t hold the tears back anymore.

“That’s not…” Kaj’s jaw clenched so hard Noah felt it on his shoulder as his nose pressed against his neck. A painful groan reverberated through the room as he tightened his arms around Noah. “That’s not true.”

“Stop lying!” Noah glared at him in the mirror, struggling to escape his embrace while tears rolled down his cheeks.

“I-I…”

Kaj turned him around and grabbed Noah’s face, crashing their mouths together. He tried to resist the attack, feeling utterly humiliated, but his will flickered as their bodies molded to each other like they always did.

Noah never wanted to let Kaj go, but knowing his lips had been on Jesper’s—and other parts of his body—was like salt on a flayed wound. Still, a part of him clung to this reverie frozen in time where it was just the two of them. Even if they couldn’t be together, Noah would love Kaj forever, but it hurt too much.

“Please, don’t leave me. Not now. I need you.” He was bawling his eyes out, too. “I can’t live without you…”

Neither can I.

“Kaj...” Noah had to get out of here. Now. If he stayed here with him for one more second, he wouldn’t be able to do it. He had to, though. To keep what was left of his dignity—if any. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“But you love me. I’m sure there’s something we can do to fix it.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t keep loving you after what you did. I don’t trust you.”

Noah freed himself and walked away as fast as he could without looking back.